Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Instinctively Extinct

Next on the England Domination Tour:

Welcome to the Lyme Regis!

........... purdy.

Mark & I decided that for our wedding anniversary this year we would go to Switzerland, do some hanging in the HR Giger Museum and do some dramatic hikes that defy death at some stage around the Swiss Alps.

Why then? you ask, are you showing us pictures of the Lyme Regis? Well that is because the Switzerland trip was post-poned.. goddam having a job! I bitched and moaned and in the end made Mark book the most expensive B&B I could find (and believe me I looked hard!) it had to be spectacular spectacular if it was going to beat the Switzerland trip.

Luckily for Mark's ballsack, I love roadtrips. We skived off work on Friday and drove down early..once we were officially in Dorset I have to say half the time it was like being in a painting.

Nothing but rolling hills and fantastic beaches. Tell me that Durdle Door doesn't look like a cove where Pirates would land and bury treasure.. next time I'm bringing a metal detector.

And on we drove... and drove... and drove... and nowhere was open for lunch. That is my one complaint.. They call this area of England the Jurassic Coast - because the cliffs date back to the Dinosaur Period and you can hunt for fossils (geek trips!) however due to the lack of any food in the region, it was no surprise to me that the dinosaurs went extinct in the first place. Who do I have to kill to get a sandwich around here!

Luckily we ended up at our B&B and I ate my body weight in Devonshire Scones with clotted cream and jam.. bring on the heart attack (this might also have contributed to the dinosaurs downfall? who can resist a clotted cream and jam scone? aka: the stegosaurus weak point)

Saturday we drove into Devon (where the cliffs are really old - Triassic!... someone needs to make Triassic Park the movie, where the Ammonites all swim around and get into unsuspecting and cynical scientists snorkels suffocating them as they look at Plesiosaurs)

Tell me what is better than: sheep/cliffs/pebbly beaches/and waves? NOTHING BEATS THAT! I love beaches in winter. Bikini's are OUT. Layers are IN.

The next geek-filled activity on my list was fossil hunting... as our chirpy receptionist told us that a family went out the day before and came back with ten! well game on random family I've never met! I'm going to bring back a hundred. So I armed myself with my hammer and walked through the town looking like a deranged killer, and went to the fossil beach.

Unfortunately even though I had my trusty fossil findin' hammer, the downfall was this: I had no idea what I was looking for. I was essentially just picking up rocks, and smashing them into smaller rocks, because what is a fossil? an old rock. I probably smashed to pieces some ancient oyster shell or something, they should have a check sheet for retards before they go handing hammers out to people.

So nice.

And then Mark got a virus and couldn't move off the bathroom floor, so our Sunday plans were scuppered. We drove to Studland Bay (where we were going to go to the Naturalist Beach and get naked!............. not.. but we would have taken our pants off and stood behind the sign)

My big plans for Studland Bay were to walk to Old Harry's Rocks which is about a 3 mile hike, which compared to our ridiculous 15 mile hike over the Seven Sisters is nothing.. but I failed to take into account that mark had no food left in his body and only had about 2 hours sleep...and with that we left our car in the car park and walked off without any food/phones/asthma inhalers!.............. Dramatic Hike 2!

We got about a quarter of the way there when Mark admitted he was not superman and would probably pass out and fall down a cliff and get trapped in the bushes and die, and I'd have to tell everyone that my husband disappeared on one of my stupid Hikes.

KILLER HIKES... that's my retirement plan.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Journey of My Sole


whilst I have many mental illness idiosyncrasies, one of my main problems is being unable to throw away shoes. those shoes have a history! my memories are attached to those shoes. This is where my shoes have taken me... the journey of my sole

Being held at gunpoint in Prague.

Being lost in the map in Amsterdam

Waiting in line to see Michelangelo's David in Tuscany

Being a hardcore punk in Cork

Making fart jokes in Berlin

Statue Miming in Oslo

Jiving next to some giant speakers in Ladbroke Grove

Hanging out in Washington Square Park, New York City

to be honest I can't really bring myself to throw them out, even though they are covered in dirty crap and mud and practically falling off my feet. I have put them in the bin, but I think they either deserve a proper burial or to be dipped in bronze and placed on a plaque to mark the history they served in my life.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Snow Day!

If I was being honest, I would say this winter was a huge disappointment. There was no snow in the lead-up to Christmas, it was unseasonably warm and temperate the whole time.. what's the point in having three fur coats if you can't even wear them?! all those rabbits died for nothing!!

Luckily all that changed this weekend.


Mark and I were sitting at home on Saturday night, because we are married and boring. I was moisturising my elbows, and he was reading internet forums (rockin it!) when I looked outside my window and by god! Snow!

It was so cool. We haven't seen our street in snow because we moved in during Spring, and our street was covered in it! soooooo nice. Snow definitely does things to people. All social boundaries break down and people are just nicer to each other.. (I propose this only happens in climates when snowfall is a rarity, and not say if you lived in the snow all the time - where your instincts are to probably kill each other)

For instance - it was midnight and there were kids running around in the street having snowball fights and building snowmen.. MIDNIGHT! shouldn't you kids be in bed? or at least be under adult supervision? Pedophiles don't stay inside just because its snowing (unless studies have shown otherwise??) Everyone was loving it. I myself was at my window in my dressing gown (old lady!) and waving at groups of 'youths' who I would normally run the other direction from... "yeah come down and play in the snow with us...... we'll build snowmen, and only then will we stab and mug you.." I wasn't going outside even if it was beautiful out there. Once my elbows are moisturised I'm stayin in!

The next morning however I set an alarm!!!! (sick) to get up at 8am so I could go outside and be in the snow. If you take the snow ratio out of that plan, it was me getting up at 8am to cross a dangerous road crossing and go to the park to watch people carry their little plastic bags of dog poo around (so degrading)

However the park was full of families having a ball, building snowmen, frolicking, leaving their frozen snow-poo's on the ground.


Monday however!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all the snow melted overnight and it's slushy and icy and horrible and I just want the snow back! Damn this heatwave! (zero degrees)

Friday, February 03, 2012

hate nods

this is not a unique situation by any means, but I thought I would share how this situation has unraveled and what we as as a civilized society can do about it.

When Acquaintances Go Bad.

Around this time last year I was doing my comedy course (I have the certificate now! I know what is funny) and my course was run literally around the corner from where I work - this was good because it meant I could finish work and be in class within 2 minutes. It is now bad because I see my course coordinator in the street all the time and we have gone from hugs and kisses/casual chit chat/nods/eyebrow raising/pretending we don't know each other/outright hatred.

Why does this happen?

Is it because as humans we have a low threshold for small talk? or is that just me. I just can't have the same banal conversation about: what do you DO again? 500 times over, and eventually I will just stop talking to you. So yeah this all my fault really.

Saying that - if every time we stopped to chat on the street we could talk about something interesting I would look forward to bumping into you - rather than dreading seeing your balding head come bopping down the road towards me.

Example: "so what are your plans for when all the bees disappear and all life on earth is over because pollination comes to a halt?" well that's obvious - move back to Australia, our bees are fine and in abundance, we will beat your ass at anything athletic and horticultural related - world!

But instead I think we are both doing the "pretending to be on the phone" trick when we see each other. Too Busy! On a phone call! Can't chat about boring shit right now! Which in itself is something we could totally talk about.

I think we need to instigate some sort of hand signal - something which means "I acknowledge your existence, I just can't speak to you. now or ever" something like a Star Trek hand signal?

we're still friends! don't talk to me.