Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Reasons why I hate Coffs Harbour

I'm pretty sure I have mentioned my hatred of Coffs Harbour on here before. Like I would rather be massacred by the mob than have to go undercover in the witness protection program in Coffs Harbour... it wasn't always this way though... I had spent many a childhood day at a Coffs Harbour beach eating delicious - yet racially incorrect biscuits.
Good Times.

However all this changed when I got married and projectile vomited everywhere.

Mark & I decided to drive to our Honeymoon destination, and as much as I detest long boring drives up the north coast, it at least it gave us the opportunity to argue and nag at each other for 8 straight hours.. ahhh married life.

Our first pit-stop before reaching our Honeymoon Destination was Coffs Harbour, we drove all day - and then rather than having a microsleep and driving into an oncoming vehicle - we decided to get a room and relax.

Microsleeps - more dangerous than wearing a shirt like that. To be honest if I saw a guy standing by the road in a loud purple shirt with clocks all over it I would probably crash my car into a tree anyway. Way to go Dr Karl.

Anyway! We got our room, went out for some nice seafood chowder then back to the room for a night of sexy just married times.... we had a spa filled with bubble bath, which after 10 mins of sitting and vibrating in - I had to lurch out of the tub - slide across the floor like slimy legged slug and projectile vomit everywhere.

SO SEXY!!!!!!!!

This is why I hate Coffs Harbour.

Here's a tip - don't eat a seafood chowder then slowly simmer yourself in a scented bubble bath...especially when you've only been married 24 hours.

Bad Times. Very Bad Times.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

the NYC baby-haters

People in New York love their dogs... love them. They will get up at 5am and take their dogs to a dog park underneath an abandoned roller coaster on the Hudson river and stand around whilst their dog does an electric blue poo... (OK - so maybe that is not every dog owner)

What they don't like is babies. They love dogs more than babies. And this is never more prevalent than when you do a stand up gig for the first time in a comedy club on the mean streets of New York (53rd and 9th to be exact)...

I've been doing stand up gigs in London so when I booked my trip to NY I was like "hey! I should book a stand-up gig!" what better city to do stand-up than the city of Seinfeld?? I booked one, and so I packed my tight nut hugging blue jeans, a blazer with leather elbow pads and white sneakers and I was on my way! All the way to the Broadway Comedy Club.

My gig was on the second day of the trip, so I was hoping the jetlag would have worn off by then, if not it would have been pretty funny watching me mumbling and falling asleep onstage. Luckily it had worn off, but I was still pooing my pants about it.

This was at an actual real comedy club, like they had a framed microphone of Kathy Griffin's in the bar. Historical.. and here I was all the way from England to tell jokes about my loss of bladder control.

Also I was last.

I had two friends come to the gig, and the baby.. (who also counts because she gave feedback throughout the whole night) Comedians are prepared for most things.. heckling, broken microphones, lights shining in your eyes... but no one was prepared for the tiny squawks of that baby.

The thing is - this is one of the best behaved babies in the world... she wasn't screaming, just making baby comments about the jokes she was hearing. But it threw everyone off and throughout the night "who brings a baby to a comedy club" was the gag of the night.. they should be thanking me for bringing the baby, they all got brand new bits out of that!

So finally when it was my turn, a) the microphone breaks and some guy in the first row goes "oooh death on stage" and b) I have to tell everyone that YES! I BROUGHT THE BABY!! what??? that's how you do a gig in London?!! There's no two drink minimum - you bring a baby and go on stage. You would think these New Yorkians would be better prepared for the unexpected.

Oh and when traveling the world and doing ATM humour jokes, make sure that you are in a country where they actually use pin-machine card readers.... otherwise you're just an idiot standing on stage miming pressing buttons and no one knows what you're talking about.

But hey, they laughed at my stupid jokes and I won the free t-shirt at the end (the pity shirt).

Yay for me.

Conquering Life Goals.

Tick.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Stoopin NYC style

You know when you have a holiday there is always some sort of theme song that encapsulates the feel of the occasion? Everyone thought that I would come back singing that Alicia Keys song "Newwwwww Yooooooooooork" and not that I didn't hum that a few times, but what really represents the trip for me was when I was sitting at the airport on the way home and the song from Dirty Dancing was stuck in my head
"I've had the time of my liiiiiife...... and I owe it all you youuuuu"

I guess because I did have the time of my life. Nothing beats going to NYC and chillin with your bestie and your bestie's baby whilst wandering the streets of the Lower East Side. Girls Day Out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In New York, I had the best: pizza, popcorn, chicken, ribs, bagels, breakfast tapas - all diets are put on hold on a holiday like this. Vegetarian??? good luck. I was up to my eyeballs in rib-meat by the second day.

But mainly - this is a city where I got to go to the Jim Henson exhibition at the Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria (the history of Muppets!!!!) and then go to FAO Schwartz and design my own Muppet.

Introducing Lazlo Monstero:

Lazlo is named after Lazlo MoHoly-Nagy of the MOMA. The MOMA is a funny place - Modern Art is so hit and miss. Blank Canvas', stripes on the wall, a billion paintbrushes glued together, and a hairy teacup.

Lazlo is the star of the latest and greatest Stroggles Filmclip - which will be making its debut sometime in the next few weeks. Till then here is a sneak peak:

This clip is epic and will put me on the map. If the map in question is a weirdo map.

The funny thing is that you can dress like this and dance like a mental patient on an upper east side stoop and no one bats an eyelid. Much like the mental patient rollerskating rink in Central Park which is my favourite place on earth - you got your eclectic skaters, your dancing hobos, and old guys who dance on the spot for hours on end. Obviously I rented a pair of $7 skates from a homeless lady and joined in. Best money ever spent.

We also drank True Blood in the park, and then whilst watching the True Blood finale on HBO. omg HBO. I would die for that.

I was there for the 10 year anniversary of September 11, which was remembered in true NYC style. Flags everywhere!!!!!!! and the buildings lit up in Red, White, and Blue - and the shining lights of the two towers up in the clouds. Amaze.

The problem is that now London is to me what Sydney is to London. Stupid NYC and its fricken off the charts awesomeness... I mean - I brought Lox and Cream Cheese Bagels from the place where the SOUP NAZI eats!!!!!!!!!!!!! the SOUP NAZI! Hello!

Loved it. Best Holiday Ever. Beat that!!!!!!!!!!!! Italy.

Monday, September 05, 2011

The Single Dad Lonely Tomato Firesled Plan

I don't want to brag, but I am just full of brilliant ideas. Brilliant Ideas just fall out of me like dead greying pubes fall off a 90 year old lady as she takes 2 hours to climb five stairs.

BRILLIANT IDEA No 1: My Single Dad (.com)
If anyone else out there has a single dad. Raise Yo Hands! It's hard having a single dad. Watching him watch Pink Floyd and Fleetwood Mac DVD's every night. Alone. Dad's deserve more than that. But at the same time, I would rather my dad be alone forever than with some gold diggin ho! Which is why I think someone needs to make a website called mysingledad.com. This website would be run by the children of single dads, to weed out all the evil stepmothers and find compatible nice ladies for our dad's to spend the rest of their lives with.. because let's be honest, put a Dad on an internet dating site on his own and he's going to end up either speaking to a Russian prostitute who will rob him of his life savings, or some serial killer in Wisconsin who tucks his peen in between his legs and wears his grandmother's robe whilst i-chatting with your dad. I don't want that for my dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Dad.

Likes: collecting empty bottles and lining them up along the kitchen cupboards
Dislikes: buying new furniture
Smells like: Patchouli Oil
Looks like: Clint Eastwood

BRILLIANT IDEA No 2: The Lonely Tomato Breakfast Guide

Let's talk about food for a minute, and specifically meals times. Dinner is the most annoying meal of all meals. It's tedious, it's at the end of the day, I have to go out of my way to hunt for ingredients, and it takes up precious evening hours slaving away in the kitchen when I could be lying horizontal reading a good book or watching illegally downloaded True Blood episodes. Lunchtime is a close second in the annoyance factor, because if you don't eat it you are in a world of trouble. Don't eat lunch then go out drinking after work? Helllo Drunken Mess. Don't eat lunch then go to the gym? Helllloooo passing out in the park and being eaten alive by hungry squirrels. I feel like lunch is a forced meal also. Basically I don't like eating because I have to. Being human is such a farce. I bet Robot Clones of the future won't have to deal with this problem.

Breakfast however - talk about the best meal in the universe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love Breakfast. I love going out and finding a good breakfast place. I go on holidays purely to find an amazing breakfast place and then be smug about it to other travellers. Which is why I think someone needs to make a Breakfast Guide, purely breakfast. Not Brunch. Not Lunch. Die Dinner.

My breakfast guide would be titled 'The Lonely Tomato' (like the Lonely Planet series) named after that stupid piece of pity tomato that no one eats. I mean when I've got 2 x eggs Benedict, a hash brown and some sauteed mushrooms on my plate - wtf does that Tomato think is going to happen?? Poor thing. Everyone hates that Tomato.



BRILLIANT IDEA No 3: Firesleds

Ever tried walking across the North Pole. That shit is haaaaarrrrrrrd. It's not all flat snow and dog-sledding all day. It's a lot of walking, and stupid ski's, and climbing over boulders and generally a lot of hard work, and you know what - I didn't spend all my life savings to come to the north pole and have to fight my way through 10 miles of square boulders every day!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what we need to fix this problem.

Firesleds.

Think of your typical arctic sled... now put the element of fire onto the front of that sled. Well who is cruising through the North Pole now?!?!?!

Me and My Firesled will see you ski-pole losers at the tip of the world. We'll be the first ones there. I'll warm up the jacuzzi for ya.

Tell me why I am not a millionaire entrepreneur already?!


Thursday, September 01, 2011

Put some Stitches on It

So apparently Beyonce is pregnant. Who Cares! (not me). I for one - care not for Beyonce, her music bores me, as does her big hair, tiny hot pants, and fat ass music videos. Could someone explain to me how 3 chicks dancing on a white cyc is the "greatest film clip of all time" ??!

The only good thing to come out of Beyonce's pregnancy, is if she does the typical Beyonce thing: ie "if I am going to be pregnant I am going to be the BEST and MOST pregnant person of all time!" and she re-releases her greatest hits, but remixes them Pregnancy Style.

'There's a baby coming out of my vagina
Put some stitches on it.
If there's a baby coming out of my vagina
Put some stitches on it.
I don't wanna be a whiner
But put some stitches on it.
Whoa oh oh. Oh oh oh.. Oh oh oh."