Friday, July 29, 2011

Champagne Charlie

'Memba This!! Tony Soprano Robbed Me.

Well guess who was caught!!!!!!!!!!!!!


idiot.


To be honest I don't think this guy lives up to the name 'Champagne Charlie' - this sort of thug nickname is more fitting to a guy with an expensive suit, not a guy who looks like the guy from the Money Supermarket commercials.



The good thing to know is that we weren't the only retards sucked into his Champagne Scam. To this day, I still laugh whenever someone mentions Cristal.

Yeahhh you want some Cristal??? I got some leftover from a big party.. the Gallagher's were at it.

SIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you enjoy jail Mr Clugston. You won't be getting showered in champagne in that place I can guarantee you.

the ugly piggy

I know there are a lot of people out there with fetish with the feet... and I just have to wonder why?? even if I saw a really good looking person with a really good looking foot - at the end of the day, it's still a smelly foot.

the smells aside - and trust me I have cleared rooms with the smell of my feet - they are just ugly.

Especially Little Toe. There is something seriously wrong with Little Toe.
Look at it. What the heck is wrong with it!

I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It gets caught in the line of fire. The Little Toe is the front line in the foot's defence against all the things in the world that are trying to get at your feet.

Table Legs and the Corner of the Bed - little toe is there to protect the rest. Takes the pain, and doesn't complain.

Tight Fitting Shoes - little toe takes a beating inside tight fitting shoes alright. Little toe all crushed up against toe next to little toe - no wonder he looks the way he does.

My little toe is also the victim of Toenail Clipping OCD. I think the problem is that you really have so little of little toe, that you think you could just clip it all away.

But no matter how ugly that disgusting little toe is - I just couldn't live without it.

You would just look weird in open toed shoes.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Lemmy Longbottom

I think I have magical casting powers.. I really should come back in a new life as a Casting Director because I have ideas!!!! Crazy Crazy Ideas!!!

This is my latest idea: to enhance the careers of the Harry Potter stars post H-P stardom.

First of all - no one wants to be pigeonholed into that one role the rest of their life - once you do that you never recover and no one knows what your real name is anymore, and you have to make restaurant reservations under your character name:


And this is the enormous hurdle facing all the Harry Potter kids from this day forward. When Emma Watson graduates Uni, they'll all be chanting 'Hermione! Hermione!'.. all the Ginger Fetish Girls will be calling out 'Ronnnnnn!!!!' into the cracked leather of the taxi cab (when he's doing them from behind) and good luck Harry.. Good Luck. Those three can't really be saved from a life of mediocre name-calling - however are a few who can... Luna, the Weasley Twins, and Neville Longbottom.

So here is what I propose for Neville..

No one wants to go through a life of being the Plant Loving Nerd.. And what is the polar opposite of a plant loving nerd?? the God and Master of Rock & Roll.

It is written that at the end of time, after all the dust of nuclear fallout has subsided, all that will have survived is cockroaches, and Lemmy.

So what better role for Neville Nerdo Longbottom! I mean - obviously the first hurdle in this casting decision of mine, is that the movie doesn't exist yet.. a minor hurdle... because I am sure that at this moment, some superfan is busy writing this screenplay.

Neville Longbottom for Lemmy!!! Join the petition now!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Cupcake Face

I have come to the conclusion that Thursday is the new Friday. I have been going out consistently on Thursdays, and wanting to die on Fridays.

Last night I went to the Rushes Soho Shorts Festival Opening Night on a whim. Crazy. There was free food (nice) free drinks (gypsy mule's - were they called this? I don't know - that's what I'm calling them) free food (that's pretty much the whole reason I come to these things - no cooking dinner required) and most importantly free cupcakes (which will come in handy later on).

I met a lot of random people - first of all being the director Andy Morahan - who directed the Guns n Roses 'November Rain' filmclip. The NOVEMBER RAIN filmclip. Plenty of other filmclips - but most importantly the November Rain filmclip. Need I say more about how much I effing love that filmclip!



It's got everything!!!!!! Helicopters, Slash playing a guitar solo in a field, and skanky wedding dresses. If I ever get married again, I am dead set doing a complete re-enactment of this clip for my wedding day. Epic.

But I didn't tell Andy this... to be honest I thought he was Peter Jackson when I first saw him. Lucky I didn't ask about shooting perspective shots of Hobbits and Wizards.

So whilst Andy is super cool and important, he was nothing compared to who else I met at this fateful party.

I.Met.Herb. Pubesman.

And who is Herb Pubesman I hear you ask? Well he is none other than my alter ego. Meeting a man who only exists in my brain is an event that only happens once in a lifetime, so I was almost dying on the floor when I met Herb.

Herb sidled up to me eating a huge piece of Black Forest Chocolate Cake, and when I say eating it was more like inhaling without breathing.. He looked at me and I looked at him and he goes "this cake is amazing" in between trying to breathe and trying to ingest cake. Then we bonded over our mutual love of buying chocolate bars and hiding them in our underwear drawer so you go to find a pair of socks and then SURPRISE! socks and mars bar!! So I introduce myself, and then he says.. "My name is Herb"

Are you kidding me!!!!!!!!! His name is Herb! Not only was his name Herb, but he completely embodied everything that I imagine Herb Pubesman to look like in real life. He wears a big black fedora hat, and an old 80's suit, with lots of purple bits and flair. So I obviously became Best Friends with Herb Pubesman, and we did a lot of drinking and then fell into the photoshoot studio and played 1920's dress ups and took a lot of weird photos. Which I am going to trawl the entire internet to find so I can prove that I met Herb Pubesman, not just to you, but to myself. I would really hate it if I hallucinated the whole thing because of the 1000 Gypsy Mules I drank.

Eventually I left the party. Only because Mark had texted me one word to bring me out of my Herb Pubesman Haze.

PHO.

Pho is my favourite Vietnamese restaurant in Soho. Someone mentions Pho to me and I drop everything and leave in a zombie-like stance walking in a trance to Wardour St where I wait patiently for 40 mins for my Phucking Amazing Pho.

I also stole some cupcakes on my way out for good measure, i'm sure they were free, but things taste better when stolen blatantly in front of someone who can say nothing to stop you. See Ya Suckers!!! I'll take my 10 cupcakes and see you in Hell!!!!!!!!!

So I get to Pho and Mark arrives and he is being a Brat. A huge Brat. He is such a brat that he has completely turned me off lining up for 40 mins for Pho. So I leave the restaurant, and Mark chases me and we have a tug of war altercation on the street, and I do the only thing I can think of to end the fight.

I pelt Mark in the head with a purple cupcake.

Purple icing flies everywhere and Mark stands there like a deer in headlights wondering what the purple sweet-smelling pain is?? Nothing ends a fight faster than a cupcake in the face. It's so stupid and funny and everyone in the pub is looking at us, so we giggle like school girls and go back to Pho and line up for another century.

What a great night. Icing in the face. November Rain Legendary Proximity. Herb Pubesman. Vietnamese Noodle Goodness.

Then I get home and realise my fly has been down the whole time. Goddammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(what is funny, is that I woke up from a dream that night that Zahara Jolie-Pitt's name in all the celebrity magazines is AFRO JESUS.. and that is what I shall call her from now on.)

I salute you Afro Jesus!

Herb Pubesman Out.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Forgotten Tales

Everyone knows the Tales of The Three Musketeers... Some middle aged guys dressed in Capes stealing Zorro's moves and being a bit gay for their King.. roaming the fields, riding horses with no pants on, shaving the faces of Royalty locked in cupboards for 25 years...you know - usual Musketeer Stuff.

What I want to talk about is the forgotten tales of the Musketeers.. specifically the story of D'Artagnon skanky sister... Fanion.

What do you say about Fanion.. the story goes that she looks like an Onion and smells like a Fanny.

Fanion.

Skankin up it Old Skool.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Nature's Curtains

I'm generally not one to socialise with my neighbours. You do your thing, I'll do mine, and if the situation requires it we may speak awkwardly in the hallway. My neighbours in our last place in Ladbroke Grove were interesting to say the least - we had the upstairs neighbour with windchimes (you know how I feel about them!) who moved out and then the Stompy Stomperson's moved in, who I would quite certainly stab if I saw them in the street again. The downstairs musical neighbours who would sing and play Elton John covers well into the night. It certainly wasn't a place to live if you actually valued getting any sleep.

So when we had to move it was sad because Ladbroke Grove is my favourite place ever!!!!!!!!!! But it was also good because we could finally get some sleep at night because Maida Vale is quiet snobby central. Plus it has trees, lots and lots of trees.

I love trees. I could stare out a window at a tree all day, trees in winter covered in snow, and trees in summer covered in leaves. I watch the mid-season trees like a hawk too "Buds! we have leaf buds!!! Springtime is here!!" to "the leaves are brown! the leaves are brown and dropping! Autumn!" Honestly, I am kinda tree obsessed. So I was very pleased with our apartment when I noticed we had a giant tree in the backyard.

NAKED APARTMENT TIME!!!!!!!!



Our 'Hiding Behind the Naked Tree' was situated right outside our downstairs bedroom - which is the room we have all our clothes in - hence it's our getting naked and trying on outfits room! There is nothing better than being naked in your naked room, prancing around in front of the mirror trying on clothes whilst the Jesus Rays stream in. I haven't closed my curtains since we moved in.

So......... last night I get home, have a shower and start getting ready in the Naked Room, standing around moisturising myself, flossing my crack with the towel, doing naked lunges... when I realise that something is different, something is not quite right.... something is missing.

That's when I realised that my Naked Tree is missing!! Some Jerk has cut the tree down!! What a fucking Motherfucker! Look Nakedness aside - there is no good reason to cut a tree down!! Ever!! Unless it is actually wrecking your house - to which I would probably say - well the tree was here first, so tough shit broke house.

I hate when people cut down trees!!!!!!!!! I was once at a BBQ with a bunch of Campbelltown Hicks who were talking about how they were going to cut all the trees down in their backyard because the birds were too loud of a morning. Well that's just lovely - good to see Humans and Wildlife interacting with a mutual respect for lesser species. JERKS!! Cutting down a healthy tree that was here long before you is downright Trunkicide.

Anyways - suffice to say my neighbours are now on my 'list'. Don't expect any courtesy nods in the hallway from me anymore. MURDERER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have to close my curtains. Do you know how much effort is involved in that!?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Search for an Ugly Person

Whilst on my recent trip to Oslo, I made a startling discovery. Everyone in that country is Hot. Effing Hot.

I saw some guys handing out some free Haagen Dazs and was stopped in my tracks at the overwhelming hotness of them. Even Mark who is 110% hetro was poking me saying 'those haagen dazs guys are HOT!'

And seen as how we only have each other, whilst walking around we would only have the other person to poke and gawp at hot strangers as they walked past.

Yes we saw a lot of hot, sexy, tanned, leggy, big boobied, ken-dolls walking around that place. Which makes me think - they could never run the show 'Search for a Supermodel' in that country.. Everybody would win. You'd be better off doing a 'Search for an Ugly Person'

So all trip my usual inflated ego was diminished by all the uber-hotness at every turn.

Then came the reason we went to Oslo in the first place - The Wedding. We were lucky enough to be sat at the cool table - with lots of funky good looking strangers to talk to. (not the kids table at the back) and yet more things dawned on us to make us realise what a sub-species of human we really are.

First of all - the entire wedding and reception speeches (14 of them) were in Norwegian.. and I can only say two things in Norwegian, and they are both naughty.. so I had no chance of understanding anything. That is because unlike these Brainiac Norwegians, I only speak One Language. FAIL. If you're not bi-lingual you aren't anything in this world.

Secondly, everyone at the table was the smartest person i've ever met. We had: Astro-Physicists, Doctors, Brain Touchers, people who should be sitting at tables with Stephen Hawking, not us two nitwit Australians whose only contribution to the brain sphere would be "well I could totally put a budget together for you if you wanted to shoot a £60K commercial"

These people are saving lives!! I'm making Burger King commercials.

So we left Oslo feeling dumber and uglier than we had ever felt. So good to be back in Good Ol' Blighty. Where there are NEDS (non-educated-delinquent-somethings) and Chavs, and loads of ugly people everywhere. Riding the tube to work never felt so great!

I'm gonna be a supermodel.

they call me "the wrist"

You know when you're reading your weekly 'Grazia' Magazine and you're reading a story about how all these models and actresses were discovered in really mundane ways - ie: Kate Moss is discovered in an Airport, Naomi Campbell was discovered in a shopping mall, Chloe Sevigny is discovered sitting on some stairs...

(btw - how hard is it to discover these people really?? OMG a really beautiful lady! Everyone can stop looking, because I found her!!)

Anyway - today I was discovered.. I was in the kitchen making watermelon triangles.

Sometimes I think what would I do if I wanted a career change? Astronaut? the person who stretches out the intestine to make the proper tennis racquet's strings?? so many options.

Luckily I don't have to think anymore, because I am going to be a Hand Model... specifically the Wrist.

No one tells you this but its really hard being a hand model! aside from the pressure of having perfect hands (no more shooting heroin in between your fingers, no track marks up the arms, basically any blemishes on the wrist and I'm out! having to live in the Park and sleep under the warmth of a fox who I find in the bushes)

You may never have thought about it - but you are most likely picking up your plate wrong. Says Who!! you say, well the people who want to film you picking up a plate. All these years you've been slopping the plate around, no wonder it took 31 years to be discovered.

First your self esteem will take a beating - because you can't do anything right, Hey I have a degree!! But I can't even pick up a plate.. wow.. No one told me I should be practicing my Bone China skills.

Anyway - I got the hang of it, and now I am famous.


See that wrist. that is my wrist. See me picking up that plate. Perfection. Don't call me I'll call you. I'm at the club. In the VIP wrist section.

safe.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Ladytron.

my favourite band at the moment is Ladytron. I want to be in Ladytron. I am buying a keyboard and some laser beams so I can form a one person Ladytron Tribute Band.
Ladytron played at the Kentish Town Forum on a Tuesday Night, and of course I was there. Yes you heard that right.. on a Tuesday Night. What kind of idiot put that schedule together??!

Everyone who was there to see Ladytron were mega Ladytron fans. And given that Ladytron play sic electronic beats combined with a darkness and harmony that no other comes close to - we all wanted to go OFFF!!!!!!!!!

But it was a Tuesday Night.. at 9.30pm.

So we all just kinda stood around bobbing our heads and swaying our knees from side to side.

They were SO good. But the crowd wanted the concert to be at 2am at the end of a festival closing it in the rain to the throngs of 20,000 screaming fans.

Instead we were in Kentish Town. and the curfew was 11pm. I feel sorry for all the people who took their drugs at 8pm and then had no where to go because even the coke heads and pingers are at home doing the laundry on a Tuesday night to get prepared for the coming weekend.

I love after the concert is over and listening to the other people talk about what they thought, and one person said this "Ladytron is a band's band. An appreciation band" - which basically means - I love this band, but I am too busy 'appreciating' them standing and listening to go ape-shit for them.

I did though. Me and the 4 people who I corralled together in my 'goin off' corner.

Destroy Everything You Touch


31

I turned 31 yesterday. And so far.. 31 is pretty dang good. We went for a drive to the Norfolk Coast - officially my Favourite Place in England now. The Cotswolds have been replaced!

My birthday began by getting up early, and trying to dress myself after having a giant hangover the day before and needing a good days sleep. suffice to say, I kinda stuffed that part up. (we'll get to that a bit later) Dressed up and ready, we walked to the car and some homeless derelict gave me a good eye-ball rape and said something like "you lookin fine!!" then how he wanted to be Edward Scissorhands because then he would be draped across my body.. Thanks Random Weirdo!! Even a compliment from a mentally ill stranger helps sometimes..

Yeahhhh 31 and stil got it!!! Who needs a gym membership?!

Our drive was to the Norfolk Coast - takes about 3 hours, and we were fully prepared with an itinerary of everything the coast has to offer, such as Norfolk Lavender. They seriously go batshit for Lavender up here. Fields and Fields of Lavender. very pretty. If you are anything like me - it's not good enough to be around the lavender, you have to be in the lavender.

what I felt sorry for were all the old people, who probably get dragged out of their nursing homes to go see the Lavender on a weekly basis. It's a known fact that old people love Lavender -what better place to leave them in their wheelchairs than in the gravel in the lavender??

"yeah see in ya in 3 hours grandpa! enjoy that lavender" fucking ingrate children!! I bet he just wanted to go to the RSL and drink some beers and play KENO.

Upon leaving the lavender fields, you feel compelled to buy lavender, so we brought a couple of plants to plant in our window pots.. but some people get a little bit too wound up in the lavender hype - a lady who was before us in the queue brought about 15 plants. wtf are you going to do with 15 plants?! I imagine those bus drivers that do the Lavender Tour want to neck themselves every afternoon when they have to drive back to London with the stench of lavender permeating every cell in their body.

I loved it though. I am really just an 86 year old trapped in a 31 year old's body.

The rest of Norfolk Coast was picturesque beyond compare. Rolling Hills, and vast fields, and most importantly the beach. The Norfolk Beaches were amazing, had I not been wearing high heels I may have even wandered down to the waters edge and stuck my toe in (but I couldn't because I am idiot who can't dress herself)

We drove through cute village after cute village - where home made signs saying "Crabs! and Strawberries!" jut out at the road willing you to pull over (which we didn't - ensue argument how Mark is always crushing my dreams of having Crabs & Strawberries - together at last)

My entire goal of the day was to get into one of those beautiful rolling fields of hay, because I would look HOT in a rolling field of Hay. Every one we drove past we would slow down and scope out the place for access points "maybe if I scale that windmill?? nope, too obvious" until finally we found one where I was free to stumble all through some farmers immaculate field of livelihood.

Pretty.

The plus side being that even if the landowner saw me traipsing about in his field of wheat we could have easily explained ourselves, because I am 31!! I'm clearly not some delinquent hooligan who is out to destroy your crops for the purposes of a good photo. That would just be immature, and being in the age bracket of 30+ makes that impossible. Especially when you pose like you are taking a dump in their field.

Weezer Woo Woo What??

I saw Weezer!!!!

I fucking love Weezer!!

I crank up my spotify account everyday and listen to the entire catalogue of Weezer, then I listen to the radiohead catalogue, then if I have enough time I go back to Weezer again. I used to stalk their fan sites, and official websites, and their gay myspace site (who uses that? oh yeah noone. and I just heard that Justin Timblerlake brought it and is going to revamp it - clearly his role in The Social Network went to his head. dick.) ANYWAY! I used to trawl through all these sites on a weekly basis looking for touring dates. Week after Week, nothing. A big empty NO UPCOMING TOURS on every page. Like a knife to my heart those words were.

Then obviously - for this story to move forward, I found out they were touring. London! So I brought tickets. Sooo exciting. You see - I don't think Weezer have ever put out a bad album. Even their latest album Hurley is amaze-balls. So I was super psyched about it.

Finally the night of Weezer at the Brixton Academy (one of my favourite venues)

SIDETRACK: The Brixton Academy is an amazing venue, it has a beautiful art deco interior, which is reminscent of Shakesphere's Globe - with many a balcony that you can imagine there being an actor booming out to the audience below for a performance of Hamlet. I can also totally imagine Prince playing here - and doing a 2011 Batdance Tour. Where he plays all his songs from the 1989 Batman Soundtrack - whilst dressed as Batman/Bruce Wayne/the Joker/Vicky Vale, and Parkouring from one balcony to the next. That would be a fricken awesome show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would pay way more than £30 to see that shit.

BACK TO THE STORY: Brixton Academy. Rocking it. Weezer come out and I am impressed to see they have made the effort to at least put some props on the stage (unlike Cyndi "no show" Lauper) A giant golden backdrop covers the stage and the words WEEZER jump out at the crowd. Oh yeah we know who we're here to see. We're here to see Weezer! Now hurry up already.

Their first song is 'The Sweater Song' classic. I love when a band plays a favourite first up. It's so annoying when you have to wait for the encore to hear the song that you came here to go mental to. Everyone goes nuts. Then every song after that was from either the Blue Album, The Green Album, and Pinkerton. So basically it was a concert for the Austisic Superfans.

I felt sorry for the people who weren't mega Weezer fans - because if you only knew the "hits" and songs from Hurley - then good luck singing along with anything.

The best part no 1: was when they did a cover of Wheatus' "Teenage Dirtbag" which I don't think half the crowd realised wasn't a Weezer song "Omg man I love this song!! I didn't realise the did this song!!" umm they don't.. I like to think that Weezer did it as a nod to all the idiots who think that they did do it - hey Wheatus starts with W - same shit right!

the best part no 2: after listening to 2 hours of the B-Sides of the Pinkerton Album, they did one final song for the night - and it was Radiohead's 'Paranoid Android'. Soooo awesome, and kinda made me wish I was at a Radioehead concert instead.

Now off to do a weekly check of every Radiohead website looking for tour dates! Persistence Pays Off!

In my head - they were better

Ever since moving to London I see a lot of concerts. Everything costs £30.. Everything. It's so weird. So if it's £30 then fuck it - I'm gonna go see it. A few years ago a friend of mine said "we should go see Cyndi Lauper" whilst she was touring Sydney - and me being the giant cynic that I am - said "she is wayyy past it - who wants to see a 90 year old Cyndi Lauper prancing around on stage??"

Cue to 3 years later: Me. I do.

I brought tickets to see Cyndi Lauper (£30) - she was playing at the Hammersmith Apollo, and half my reasons for booking to see these acts is because I want to be in these mammoth buildings where countless legends have performed, so see if I can suck up some of their enzymes of awesomeness that are still somehow stuck in the walls. The Hammersmith Apollo is where it all happens. Johnny Cash's sweat, David Bowies eyeshadow remnants- these could still be here if I suck it up hard enough.

Oh and Cyndi Lauper too.. but she was shit.

I have to admit - that I wouldn't see Cyndi Lauper in Sydney, because I thought it would be disappointing.. I feel that acts try harder in London in because it has such a rich musical history, and let's face it - the crowd is judging you on this. This is how amazing I thought Cyndi would be:
more wrinkly, but also some fireworks, and maybe some 3D fireworks considering she is performing in the future (we are living in it).

Let's recap shall we:

Stage - none
Fireworks - none
Wrinkles - none - it must be hard to sing when your face doesn't move.

She performed on the blank Hammersmith Apollo stage on nothing but Black Plinths. seriously - I would have expected you to be better than that. No Glitter. No Lights. No Colour.

How can you sing True Colours if you don't even have any on the stage??

Oh yeah. She didn't

Boo You Cyndi!!!! You are only good if we can all get into a time machine and go back to the 80's when you mine.