Monday, September 05, 2011

The Single Dad Lonely Tomato Firesled Plan

I don't want to brag, but I am just full of brilliant ideas. Brilliant Ideas just fall out of me like dead greying pubes fall off a 90 year old lady as she takes 2 hours to climb five stairs.

BRILLIANT IDEA No 1: My Single Dad (.com)
If anyone else out there has a single dad. Raise Yo Hands! It's hard having a single dad. Watching him watch Pink Floyd and Fleetwood Mac DVD's every night. Alone. Dad's deserve more than that. But at the same time, I would rather my dad be alone forever than with some gold diggin ho! Which is why I think someone needs to make a website called This website would be run by the children of single dads, to weed out all the evil stepmothers and find compatible nice ladies for our dad's to spend the rest of their lives with.. because let's be honest, put a Dad on an internet dating site on his own and he's going to end up either speaking to a Russian prostitute who will rob him of his life savings, or some serial killer in Wisconsin who tucks his peen in between his legs and wears his grandmother's robe whilst i-chatting with your dad. I don't want that for my dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Dad.

Likes: collecting empty bottles and lining them up along the kitchen cupboards
Dislikes: buying new furniture
Smells like: Patchouli Oil
Looks like: Clint Eastwood

BRILLIANT IDEA No 2: The Lonely Tomato Breakfast Guide

Let's talk about food for a minute, and specifically meals times. Dinner is the most annoying meal of all meals. It's tedious, it's at the end of the day, I have to go out of my way to hunt for ingredients, and it takes up precious evening hours slaving away in the kitchen when I could be lying horizontal reading a good book or watching illegally downloaded True Blood episodes. Lunchtime is a close second in the annoyance factor, because if you don't eat it you are in a world of trouble. Don't eat lunch then go out drinking after work? Helllo Drunken Mess. Don't eat lunch then go to the gym? Helllloooo passing out in the park and being eaten alive by hungry squirrels. I feel like lunch is a forced meal also. Basically I don't like eating because I have to. Being human is such a farce. I bet Robot Clones of the future won't have to deal with this problem.

Breakfast however - talk about the best meal in the universe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love Breakfast. I love going out and finding a good breakfast place. I go on holidays purely to find an amazing breakfast place and then be smug about it to other travellers. Which is why I think someone needs to make a Breakfast Guide, purely breakfast. Not Brunch. Not Lunch. Die Dinner.

My breakfast guide would be titled 'The Lonely Tomato' (like the Lonely Planet series) named after that stupid piece of pity tomato that no one eats. I mean when I've got 2 x eggs Benedict, a hash brown and some sauteed mushrooms on my plate - wtf does that Tomato think is going to happen?? Poor thing. Everyone hates that Tomato.

BRILLIANT IDEA No 3: Firesleds

Ever tried walking across the North Pole. That shit is haaaaarrrrrrrd. It's not all flat snow and dog-sledding all day. It's a lot of walking, and stupid ski's, and climbing over boulders and generally a lot of hard work, and you know what - I didn't spend all my life savings to come to the north pole and have to fight my way through 10 miles of square boulders every day!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what we need to fix this problem.


Think of your typical arctic sled... now put the element of fire onto the front of that sled. Well who is cruising through the North Pole now?!?!?!

Me and My Firesled will see you ski-pole losers at the tip of the world. We'll be the first ones there. I'll warm up the jacuzzi for ya.

Tell me why I am not a millionaire entrepreneur already?!

No comments: