Friday, August 26, 2011

The Great Tabbouleh Poisoning of 1994

One thing you need to know about me - is that I don't do things by halves. No No I go all the way. They don't call me All the Way Ray for nothin! (no one calls me this)

When given a food substance that I find delectable, I will eat that food substance until nothing but the sweet memory remains. This week I overdosed on Pineapple. I love Pineapple (sometimes) When you find good pineapple that isn't too acidic it's game on. Game On Pineapple. After eating a Pineapple the size of my head I wasn't feeling so great though. I don't think I can look at another Pineapple for some time to come.. but I know I will always go back, because that's just the type of person I am... forgiving.

And that is why Parsley owes me a lot. Parsley, I might never have forgiven for what it did to me. What I had to endure from too much Parsley. Here is the story of what happens when you have too much Parsley.

Back in 1994 I was in High School. A High School with friends doing Home Economics. Personally I had no time for Home Economics, what I did enjoy was basking in the after-glow of the food that other people had cooked up. Normally it was a bit of a scramble to get anything because what idiot is going to give away a free lasagna they just spent two hours learning how to cook.

Luckily for me - when the whole class cooks Tabbouleh.. nobody wants that

Back then I fricken loved tabbouleh. It would be like today if someone I knew owned an olive grove and said I could go swimming in their olive pool and could eat as much olives as I wanted. I would sink to the bottom of that pool and die an oily olive death.

But this was 1994, and I liked 3 things: Warren G, East 17, and Tabbouleh.

And I had a class of 30 friends who didn't want their lunchboxes full of the Middle Eastern Tabbouleh goodness.. I know who did though........... me.

I was in the Mohammad Reigned Tabbouleh Heaven. I ate my way through all those lunchboxes like I was going for a world record. Nobody in my school had ever seen anyone eat so much Tabbouleh. I should have won a little prize and had a plaque on the school hall for future generations to walk past, so they could bask in my glory, and learn a very important lesson.

Later that night when I palmed dinner off, being unable able to move from all the Tabbouleh in my belly, I went to bed, rested in the fact that I still had about 6 more lunchboxes full of Tabbouleh to get through the next day.

However. The next morning I awoke in screaming agony. I have never been in so much pain in my life. I felt like a knife was being shoved up my no-no hole. This was a bad sign, and after vomiting and being married to the toilet all morning, I was quickly taken to the doctors.

The doctor saw I was in bad shape. She figured I must have an inflamed appendix on the cusp of bursting, and that she was going to have send her men in to check it out. And by men - I mean fingers.. and by check it out.. I mean stick her men in my bumhole to touch my appendix to suss out the damage.

24 hours before I was knee deep in Tabbouleh having the time of my life?! Now I'm in the doctors surgery being anally raped?!! how the f$!k does this happen to a person?

I'll tell you how it happens. Parsley has trace elements of arsenic in it, and when you eat 5kg of the stuff, you get arsenic poisoning, and end up shuddering in horror when someone waves a leaf of Parsley in front of you for years to come.

I have moved on. Time heals all wounds and I am happy to say that I am safe once again eating Tabbouleh when the situation arises.. although it'd be more like a handful, rather than 20 lunchboxes full.

1 comment:

sharnee said...

Oh no! I love tabbouleh too but have never been on this kind of a bender though. Parsley has trace elements of arsenic in it? JESUS!

Probably buying the tabbouleh from safeway has twice as much. I should be careful.