Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Cooperation Mode

If there is anything that is going to start your morning off kilter it's waking up to cat spew on the carpet... Why is it there? Why are you spewing on the carpet? I hope there is nothing seriously wrong with you because you keep spewing on the carpet.

MAJOR SIDETRACK: (we need to take Lenny to the vet to see what's up - and to be honest, every time we take Lenny to the vet they always tell us something like "oh he's going to need Braces" you know, something expensive and seemingly pointless for a Feline. I bet when we go they'll tell us they're giving Lenny some dentures and we'll have to keep his old man teeth in a glass jar next to the bed and start chewing his food up for him of a morning... bah!! I would do all those things you know - that is how much I love that cat. I also have to somehow get Lenny to the vet for this to happen and since we moved it's no longer a 5 minute walk to the vet, its a slog and a half! So I think we need a pram to push him there in. I say this because my neighbours leave their pram outside my front door all the time.. They would never suspect a thing "why would we steal your pram?? to push a cat to the vet?! preposterous!!")

BACK TO THE STORY: yeah, so, Catspew on the carpet just starts the day weirdly. Suffice it to say my brain checked out somewhere between scrubbing the catspew out of the carpet and packing my bag of things I would need for the day.

IDIOT MOMENT 1: I run to work. (not really) I TELL people that I run to work, but I actually stroll to work. I still end up with some boob sweat though, so it's not a complete waste of time. And because I don't want to sit all day in a puddle of stinky cold bra stench, I bring clothes that I change into at work. This scenario usually plays out alright. Except today I forgot my skirt and my bra. I had a pair of tights and a teeny weeny singlet - which would be great if I was going to work as a Ballerina, but as we have already been through - that was not the career move for me. Dumb!!! So I had to walk down to M&S all loose boobed and buy a bra that I had to wear out of the shop (the shop keeper knows you're an idiot who can't dress herself by this point)

IDIOT MOMENT 2: The Park. The Park is my nemesis. Even when I am overseas and not cleaning up catspew on carpet and my brain is functioning normally I can't navigate my through a park. It's like it goes into Green Mode and breaks down "everything looks the same!! can't.compute" Basically I figured I would change my route home tonight and take a "shortcut" through the park. HA! For some reason my brain thinks it is "smarter than the path"...

Brain Sees Likely Path: "I don't like the look of that path... let's go through these trees instead. Better."

So I ventured "off the path" so to speak.. yeahhhh that was stupid.

Go through the bush, and up on some enormous playing field having to dodge everyone's after-work social sports practice!!!!!!! Those area markings are really hard to spot. One minute you're walking in Kanye West Earphones Land, the next you're in the middle of a rugby match. Needless to say - I was the most loathed person on the field today. (even the nerdo asian eight year old's playing cricket were giving me the side-eye.. or maybe that was just their faces??)

Everyone hates me!!!!!!!!!!! and I hate this stupid park.

The more I walk the more lost I get... about 40 minutes later I see an exit and run to the sound of cars driving along asphalt!! Civilisation!!!! In my head I'm still on course, my brain and legs are cooperating and I'm going to get home any minute now.... and then I walk onto the road I walk down every single afternoon. So basically my afternoon shortcut looked like this:

DAMN YOU BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's the last time I listen to you in the Park I swear to god.

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