Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Cooperation Mode

If there is anything that is going to start your morning off kilter it's waking up to cat spew on the carpet... Why is it there? Why are you spewing on the carpet? I hope there is nothing seriously wrong with you because you keep spewing on the carpet.

MAJOR SIDETRACK: (we need to take Lenny to the vet to see what's up - and to be honest, every time we take Lenny to the vet they always tell us something like "oh he's going to need Braces" you know, something expensive and seemingly pointless for a Feline. I bet when we go they'll tell us they're giving Lenny some dentures and we'll have to keep his old man teeth in a glass jar next to the bed and start chewing his food up for him of a morning... bah!! I would do all those things you know - that is how much I love that cat. I also have to somehow get Lenny to the vet for this to happen and since we moved it's no longer a 5 minute walk to the vet, its a slog and a half! So I think we need a pram to push him there in. I say this because my neighbours leave their pram outside my front door all the time.. They would never suspect a thing "why would we steal your pram?? to push a cat to the vet?! preposterous!!")

BACK TO THE STORY: yeah, so, Catspew on the carpet just starts the day weirdly. Suffice it to say my brain checked out somewhere between scrubbing the catspew out of the carpet and packing my bag of things I would need for the day.

IDIOT MOMENT 1: I run to work. (not really) I TELL people that I run to work, but I actually stroll to work. I still end up with some boob sweat though, so it's not a complete waste of time. And because I don't want to sit all day in a puddle of stinky cold bra stench, I bring clothes that I change into at work. This scenario usually plays out alright. Except today I forgot my skirt and my bra. I had a pair of tights and a teeny weeny singlet - which would be great if I was going to work as a Ballerina, but as we have already been through - that was not the career move for me. Dumb!!! So I had to walk down to M&S all loose boobed and buy a bra that I had to wear out of the shop (the shop keeper knows you're an idiot who can't dress herself by this point)

IDIOT MOMENT 2: The Park. The Park is my nemesis. Even when I am overseas and not cleaning up catspew on carpet and my brain is functioning normally I can't navigate my through a park. It's like it goes into Green Mode and breaks down "everything looks the same!! can't.compute" Basically I figured I would change my route home tonight and take a "shortcut" through the park. HA! For some reason my brain thinks it is "smarter than the path"...

Brain Sees Likely Path: "I don't like the look of that path... let's go through these trees instead. Better."

So I ventured "off the path" so to speak.. yeahhhh that was stupid.

Go through the bush, and up on some enormous playing field having to dodge everyone's after-work social sports practice!!!!!!! Those area markings are really hard to spot. One minute you're walking in Kanye West Earphones Land, the next you're in the middle of a rugby match. Needless to say - I was the most loathed person on the field today. (even the nerdo asian eight year old's playing cricket were giving me the side-eye.. or maybe that was just their faces??)

Everyone hates me!!!!!!!!!!! and I hate this stupid park.

The more I walk the more lost I get... about 40 minutes later I see an exit and run to the sound of cars driving along asphalt!! Civilisation!!!! In my head I'm still on course, my brain and legs are cooperating and I'm going to get home any minute now.... and then I walk onto the road I walk down every single afternoon. So basically my afternoon shortcut looked like this:

DAMN YOU BRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's the last time I listen to you in the Park I swear to god.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Woop Woop

I love how Australians have such deep set colloquialisms that when we say them in different countries we don't think for two seconds that the person on the receiving end will have no idea what we are talking about..

I'm not even talking about lame sayings that Alf on Home & Away has put through the ringer making us a bigger bogan laughing stock than they already perceived us to be.. no I'm talking about words that are so ingrained in our psyche that we wouldn't pause for two seconds when immersed in a conversation because it wouldn't even cross our minds for a second that the other person is only going to return to us a blank stare, and eventually a 'what the hell are you talking about'

I'm talking bout Woop Woop.

Now any Australian knows immediately what I'm talkin bout when I say i'm talkin bout Woop Woop.

Now if you've never heard the term 'Woop Woop' I'll let you in on what it means: Woop Woop is a mystical destination. A destination that far outreaches our actual willingness to go to said destination. Calling something 'Woop Woop' means.. "that is too goddam far to travel to. I aint travellin to Woop Woop"

Woop Woop can be based on one's particular spatial awareness and thus the variances of distances pertaining to Woop Woop can change many times.

Me + Go Far Away = Not enough time spent slothing on couch in underpants eating Watermelon all afternoon. Probable Outcome = Not going to Woop Woop today.

Scenario: It is a lovely sunny weekend and the parents who live an hour and a half drive away want you to come visit for the afternoon. Your brain works out the variables of this time consuming equation: (Drive Far = Parents live in Woop Woop. Not going)

Scenario: Need to go to the giant shopping centre to purchase something trivial and boring (like some sort of TV cable) and there will be no fun to be had (like frozen yogurt and buying new bra). Outcome = that mall is in Woop Woop

Scenario: I am on the couch in sideways tv watching nap mode and I need a glass of Apple Juice. However I will choose to thirst to death because the refrigerator is in Woop Woop.

Woop Woop pertains to pretty much any distance of travel that one would choose not to travel.

The Moon however is not in Woop Woop because the Moon is awesome and I would go there in a second.

Howeva Ya Mum Lives in Woop Woop

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Whinge Power

You know when you're a kid (read - up to about 16 years of age) and you reallllllllllllly want something badly, like you won't be complete without it. These are some pointless things I moaned about wanting - my life would be pointless without them..

I wanted Popples. Badly. I didn't just want one or two either - I wanted every kind of Popple. They were the best stuffed toy ever!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, a toy that can turn itself inside out! and you can store things in its pouch - talk about a marsupial wonderland of polyester. I was way drunk on popples till I was about 10.. then they went into the plastic bag of eternal sadness.

I know what you're thinking - why would a 14 year old girl from Australia covet a pair of stupid ice hockey skates???! ummmmmmmmmmm A BOY obviously!! I mean why else?? we don't even have any ice to skate on in our sunburnt country. Just try riding a pair of ice-skates down a gravel road, talk about an incessant spark fest and face planting. DUMB! Of course I knew I would never win the heart of the ice rink heart-throb if I didn't have ice-skates.. so I whinged and moaned and made it my birthday and Christmas present.. and then he started going out with a girl called Collette and I never wore those dumb ice skates again. In the Cupboard to Dusty Heaven you go!!!!

To be honest - having a drum kit is probably the best thing I ever nagged my way into getting. Drum Kits are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! so much noise! Banging and Crashing, and playing along to 'wipe out'......... but you kinda need a band to go with that drum kit. The last time I checked there is no one out there doing a solo drum kit act at music festivals. No Bandmates = Lame Ass Pointless Drum Kit. So I sold it..for a guitar. But then my friends got some instruments, and we didn't have a drum kit anymore- instead we had two guitarists, and what kind of stupid band has no percussion section??!

And that is why I am not in a famous band.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

the Killer Cucumbers

Do you like salad?
Are you eating a salad right now?
Well put that shit DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't you know we are involved in a war? It's Humans vs Cucumbers. And the Cucumbers are winning. Not since the great Potato Famine of Ireland has the war of Humans vs Vegetables waged in favour of the Veg.

The Spanish Cucumbers are out to get you.

The Revolution is at hand. They are sick and tired of the fame hungry Tomatoes stealing all the limelight and they're not taking any prisoners.

To be honest - this isn't going to be funny just yet - because the Spanish Killer Cucumbers are still on the loose "too soon, too soon"... but maybe in about 6 months time.

I can't remember the last time I saw a BREAKING NEWS story about Cucumbers, and on BBC today that is all there is.. Stinks that it takes a Cucumber Killing Spree to get them some screentime, it's Cucumberist is what it is. They only want to run the bad stories about Cucumbers.. what about all the good things that Cucumbers do for us?? making potato salads better, and little tiny cucumber afternoon tea triangle sandwhiches.. You never see that on the news do you??

I feel bad that most likely the Cucumber Community will never recover from this, all it takes is a few bad Cucumbers to ruin it for everyone. I'm not lying when I say there is a cucumber in my fridge right now, and I am almost 90% certain, that when I get home my jewellery will be missing and my cat is going to be lying in a beaten pile of fur.... What do you do though??

We put all the Cucumbers in Cucumber Jail is what we do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!