Saturday, April 02, 2011

Art of Sandwich

There are many times in life where skill is required... changing a car tyre, painting one's house, and making a sandwich. I suck at making sandwiches - which is unfortunate because lunchtime is traditionally a period of eating that is dominated by bread, and I don't know what I am doing when it comes to sandwich making.

I just have no creativity. This is why lunchtime is my least favourite of eating times. Breakfast is fine because bread can't be intimidating when it's morning time - the least amount of things you have on there is the goal. Bread + Vegemite = taste sensation.

But then stupid lunchtime rolls around and I am faced with doing something with the endless expanse of defeat on the bread highway.

I really think they should have a school where you learn important life skills like installing kitchen cabinets, changing tap washers, and making fucking amazing sandwiches.

Near my work there is a small Portuguese shop that sells all kinds of weird things, cans of drinks you've never seen before, chips with different languages on the packaging, it's fun being in there, I feel like I'm on holidays... they also happen to make the best sandwiches in the world.

However the one downside to this, is that they keep their magical bread skills locked up tight. No great sandwich is ever repeated. One day you trot down there and pick up your Tuesday Special sandwich and all of a sudden there is a medley of flavours exploding out of your mouth like a salami firework. You're standing there in the street in a windtunnel - stuffing the bread down your throat not stopping to drink or breathe and the only way to get the not chewed properly part of the sandwich out of your windpipe is with more sandwich. So Awesome.

You tell everyone "Hey Mum, I know this is long distance, it's 4 o'clock in the morning over there and this is costing me £20.. but!!!!!!!!!! I just had the most amazing sandwich! Ever!". The sad thing is that you'll never see that sandwich again. You go back the next day rubbernecking over everyone's shoulder to see if Magical Tuesday sandwich is making a Wednesday Encore.. only to be met with the endless metal tubs of ingredients. Sucks.

I don't know what I'm doing when I have to decide what to put on my own Sandwich, I can't even begin to describe the Tuesday sandwich - for one the guy who makes them must have some sort of genius sandwich autism - and he doesn't speak much English, and I don't speak Sandwich... so instead I just ask for Ham and Cheese Toasted. BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate not having sandwich skills. My only option would be to order TWO of the magical Tuesday sandwich, and inhale one, and whilst my eyes are watering from the porkestra happening in my mouth, I dissect sandwich number two and meticulously write down the ingredients and try to do it myself.

Doesn't seem right though - these are unearned skills. Trying to replicate the sandwich by force would be cheating, it's un-natural. Like trying to put in your own fillings with a chopstick and some blu-tac. Just because I have the tools don't mean I have the talent.

SANDWICH!

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