Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Poultry Awareness

You know when you're cooking chicken, and if you're like me, you have no patience for cooking chicken. Chicken just seems so fucking touchy. Raw Chicken will bite you in the ass if you're not careful. It's its only recourse I suppose - after all the murdering.

Ooh don't let me touch anything else whilst uncooked? I'll kill you. Did you wipe down the bench after I touched it with my bare naked skin?? You better cook me properly otherwise you'll be sorrrrrrry.

I mean?? no other meat gives you quite as much shit as an uncooked chicken. I'm not stressing out when I'm cooking a slab of ribs on the BBQ, and hey the more blood on the steak the better in my opinion. But have just a slightly undercooked chicken for dinner and your whole meal is ruined!

My cooking style is "cookin on the fly" so I've got my potato salad happening on one end, and I'm making my cocktails on the other end, and the chicken is doing it's thing on the stove. But chickens need constant supervision, they are like needy 5 year olds. Much like the ocean, don't turn you back on raw chicken. I'm not really keeping a clock in my kitchen, so after everything else is done - I go back to the chicken and if it just feels right - it feels right you know??

Serve it all up, sit down for a nice meal, slice into that chicken bone, and fucking hell. Pink Meat.
Nothing ruins a good meal like staring into the abyss of hunger when you come across Pink Meat. What to do?? We can't just have potato salad and rum for dinner!! We aren't Pirates!! So we do the only thing we can do in this situation.

Live in Denial.

When you at first eat the pink meat you know what's in store for you. But it's a gamble everyone takes. And whilst you're eating it you're thinking one thing. Brain Parasites.

So I would like to bring you this song to teach people about what happens when you decide to eat raw chicken out of protest of being too lazy to go back and cook it properly..

Chicken Diarrhea and Parasites!
The Chicken Diarrhea and Parasites!
If you eat the raw chicken, your bowels will quicken.
With the Chicken Diarrhea and Parasites.

I also think it punitive to teach people the next lesson, is that if you eat raw chicken that has been marinating in Indian Spices this guy will come out..


"And it Burns, Burns, Burns.. The Ring of Fire.. The Ring of Fire"

Educational Awareness.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Art of Sandwich

There are many times in life where skill is required... changing a car tyre, painting one's house, and making a sandwich. I suck at making sandwiches - which is unfortunate because lunchtime is traditionally a period of eating that is dominated by bread, and I don't know what I am doing when it comes to sandwich making.

I just have no creativity. This is why lunchtime is my least favourite of eating times. Breakfast is fine because bread can't be intimidating when it's morning time - the least amount of things you have on there is the goal. Bread + Vegemite = taste sensation.

But then stupid lunchtime rolls around and I am faced with doing something with the endless expanse of defeat on the bread highway.

I really think they should have a school where you learn important life skills like installing kitchen cabinets, changing tap washers, and making fucking amazing sandwiches.

Near my work there is a small Portuguese shop that sells all kinds of weird things, cans of drinks you've never seen before, chips with different languages on the packaging, it's fun being in there, I feel like I'm on holidays... they also happen to make the best sandwiches in the world.

However the one downside to this, is that they keep their magical bread skills locked up tight. No great sandwich is ever repeated. One day you trot down there and pick up your Tuesday Special sandwich and all of a sudden there is a medley of flavours exploding out of your mouth like a salami firework. You're standing there in the street in a windtunnel - stuffing the bread down your throat not stopping to drink or breathe and the only way to get the not chewed properly part of the sandwich out of your windpipe is with more sandwich. So Awesome.

You tell everyone "Hey Mum, I know this is long distance, it's 4 o'clock in the morning over there and this is costing me £20.. but!!!!!!!!!! I just had the most amazing sandwich! Ever!". The sad thing is that you'll never see that sandwich again. You go back the next day rubbernecking over everyone's shoulder to see if Magical Tuesday sandwich is making a Wednesday Encore.. only to be met with the endless metal tubs of ingredients. Sucks.

I don't know what I'm doing when I have to decide what to put on my own Sandwich, I can't even begin to describe the Tuesday sandwich - for one the guy who makes them must have some sort of genius sandwich autism - and he doesn't speak much English, and I don't speak Sandwich... so instead I just ask for Ham and Cheese Toasted. BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate not having sandwich skills. My only option would be to order TWO of the magical Tuesday sandwich, and inhale one, and whilst my eyes are watering from the porkestra happening in my mouth, I dissect sandwich number two and meticulously write down the ingredients and try to do it myself.

Doesn't seem right though - these are unearned skills. Trying to replicate the sandwich by force would be cheating, it's un-natural. Like trying to put in your own fillings with a chopstick and some blu-tac. Just because I have the tools don't mean I have the talent.