Tuesday, March 22, 2011

PhD in Comedy

Well - I am officially a Comedian. I have a certificate n all....Which means now when I'm having a conversation with someone and they start telling me "omg the funniest thing happened the other day" I can be the judge of that.. "actually it wasn't that funny. I know funny. I did a course in funny."

Over the past seven weeks I honed my Comedy Skills - trying out bits to my coven of classmate Comedians to test if it was funny or not...

Losing all bladder control.
Pretending to be robbed at the gym.
Any disgusting thing I could think of.

Then last Friday we had our showcase, it came around really quickly!! One minute I'm writing comedy routines in my comedy journal, then all of a sudden I'm gluing my fake eyelashes into my eyebrows trying to get ready for my debut performance.

The venue incidentally was sold out - to over a hundred people. I wasn't at all nervous until 30 seconds before I went on stage - maybe because my brain was like "this isn't really happening" but it was - and my teacher held onto my shoulders and whispered into my ear "allow them to laugh" and then I was shoved onto the stage blinded by the lights and under the gaze of hundreds of judgemental eyes.

Luckily - I nailed it. Every other time I had performed my routine to the group I would have mental blanks, or just not be funny and think to myself "why am I even here unfunny lady??" everyone else is so much funnier than me. Yet the crowd responded well - laughing in my carefully planned punchlines breaks, and giving me the slow clap for a well thought out simile.

I was so proud of everyone in my class - I think we all did amazingly. It was almost as though the show was just for us - because we had been through them 500 times with each other and could have recited verbatim each others routines. We had lots of in-jokes and I think our show was more professional with quality material than some of the rubbish I've seen in real comedy venues.

Of the 16 of us I know this is how I will remember them all and their comedy gems:

Richard - did a poo like the severed arm of a bear.
Ariel - we just fucked and now you owe me £600
Amy D - LUPUS!!! not in the showcase routine, but at least I got to hear it.
Amy C - raised by mice.
Paul H - I knew a black guy once.
James - Greater London is.... better.
Charles - One day you'll want to tile your bathroom.. No I won't (yellow pages gag)
George - YOU FUCKING MAN UNITED!!
Carly - it's a shed.
Leanne - moisturising her pubes for half an hour. HA!
Caroline - hates lifts.
Paul H2 - door handles. not that hard to work out.
Andy - dad ran off with a lady with multiple sclerosis.
Matt - You can take the boy out of Essex, but you can't... Essex. You can take the Essex.... Essex.
Ramsey - Fake Vaginas.

And this was me:

Didn't even need to look at it. Totes Professionalism.

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