I have more stand up gigs booked - and whilst the routine I have tattooed onto my brain is good, I also think that I need more - so I am considering just doing a set called;
"Everything my husband does makes me want to punch him in the face. Including Breathing"
Using my towel and then lying about it. Umm it's wet and there is no one else around?? who else would it be??... we don't have a poltergeist who takes showers - even then the poltergeist would know about my strict MY TOWEL/YOUR TOWEL rule. Don't make me break out the skanky hard cardboard scratchy 'training towel' again just stick to your own towel!
Blaming me for hiding his clothes when he doesn't put his own clothes away. hey here's a novel idea! when the laundry is done - maybe put your own clothes away - otherwise I will put them away - and by away I mean stuffing them into the first available drawer I find - if this isn't good enough for you why don't you move into Buckingham Palace where you would have a real slave who will put your clothes away to your standards.
Being unable to sleep an entire night in a bed like a normal person. What's the point in having a bedroom with our bed if you are going to get out every morning and sleep in the spare bed?? or huddled up on the crampy couch?? Did the bed do something to offend you? This behaviour makes everyone feel bad - just stick to your side and lay still until the alarm says you can get up.
Knowingly walking past a stinky poo in the litter box... "oh Lenny must have just done that" ha! the old "Lenny just did that" excuse. Don't try to invoke the "I didn't see it" rule. I invented that rule.
Telling me every two seconds when we are lounging around eating our body weight in expensive imported Pizza Shapes and Burger Rings that you're "going to go the gym tomorrow" good for you! I'm not. Just let me eat 4 bowls of this stuff and shut up about the stupid gym.
Being a knobhead specifically when someone else is in earshot: ie - I tell you to turn the computer off when no one else is around and you turn the computer off - I tell you to turn the computer off when someone else is around and you go "don't tell me to turn the computer off!" who are you big-ing it up for?? just turn the computer off or I will turn it off.
Leaving the disgusting ring of saliva and toothpaste scum on the electric toothbrush holder.. why do I have to clean up all the disgusting things in the house??
Being a Hero when we go food shopping "I'll carry all the bags". seriously. do you think you are The Hulk or something?? Then getting one block down and asking me to carry the bags. We should just split the bags at the checkout.
Being obsessed with buying juice.. "just gonna go buy some juice" where does all the juice go?? Are you off selling juice at a self made juice stand or something?? and even when we just brought about 5 cartons of juice - we will go to the shop and you will be like "hmm do we have any juice at home?" ahh ya - about 500 litres of the shit. plus you buy rubbish flavours - you think you are the Juice King, but insist on buying things like 'tropical burst' flavour - that's not even a flavour. if you can't pick it from a tree it ain't a flavour. just sayin.
Emailing our landlord about everything "should I email Nigel about the vacuum??" I don't know? should you?? we have our own vacuum... then making me sit in the bedroom wrestling Lenny for 3 hours to keep him quiet, whilst you talk Nigel's ear off about vacuums, then we just stick it in the attic anyway because our vacuum is superior.
Having more than two coffee's and not shutting the hell up. If you are the type of fidgety person who can't sit still for two seconds nor stand a moment of comfortable silence, then maybe coffee shouldn't be the drink of choice for you?? maybe you should start chugging down all the juice you make us buy.
Purposely skidding up the bowl when I just cleaned it - and when I ask you not to skid up the bowl you get annoyed, like it's your right to skid up the bowl just because you have to go. Uncool.
Making me go clothes shopping with you even though I HATE going clothes shopping with you, and then asking me my opinion on 15 identical sweaters/jeans/shirts, buying it, then putting it in the cupboard and never wearing it because you "don't like it" and "I made you buy it"
You also do the washing up badly.
But don't die, because I would be sad. And only I am allowed to punch you in the face. If anyone else did it, I would punch them in their face - that is MY face. Only I can punch it. Get your own annoying face to punch.