Over the years of writing this blog people have written to me or commented saying I should take this blog on the road and become a stand up comedienne. For most of those years I thought "ha! no way, are you kidding? I'd rather stick 15 suppositories up my bum"
Except now I'm actually doing it, and the suppositories might come in handy. I had my first class last night in learning the art of doing stand up comedy, and it's a very serious business, very very serious. I don't think I have ever freaked out so much in my life. I was so scared a little wee came out.
The whole time I was there my brain was empty. I had to introduce myself and say why I was there? I had no idea what I was going on about, and neither apparently did my teacher. Awkward. Off to a great start.
Why was I there?? to turn my blog into a real life train wreck for people to walk away from shaking their heads going "wtf was that all about??"
My teacher said we'd be stripping ourselves down to the core, that we'd be confronted with a reflection of ourselves and we might not like what we find out. Great. I've always wanted to plunder the depths of my own self loathing to put on display for the world to poke a stick at.
When the time came to actually stand in front of my equally scared shitless posse, my legs felt like they were going to give out under me and it would be like that scene in the Black Swan where my knees are pointing out the back of my legs. I truly thanked god for remembering to do my kegel muscle exercises which gave me the strength to keep my bladder from emptying itself out of sheer fright and peeing myself in front of everybody. At least that would have been a good opener.
I'm sure next week it will be easier - I won't have to worry about censoring my inner retard who says the dumbest things at inopportune moments - that part of myself that is in its own way slowly sabotaging my life so that at the end of the day being a stand up comedienne and being a spaz is the only thing left that I can do with all my heart.
Next week I'll bring out the real me. The real me who is standing around picking out my in-grown pubes and squeezing my fanny scabs... ooh yeah I'm standing around picking out my in-grown pubes and squeezing my fanny scabs. Standing around and picking out my in-grown pubes and squeezing my fanny scabs. alll day looong.