Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Irrational Hatefest

Hey who wants to talk about Periods?!?!

I don't know about you but my periods literally sneak up on me during the night. And if you have a ballsack right now can you please go and mash it in between two boulders - that would be awesome. thanks.

Anyway - back to me and my bleeding uterus... like I said my periods sneak up on me in the night, I'll wake up giving birth to a blood baby and then it all falls into place...

I wanted to scratch Mark's face off earlier - now I know why.
I called my boss a cunt and slammed the phone down on him - that makes sense now.

But right now I'm all covered in blood and I have to sort that out and it's at 3am that my week long hate fest against everything that breathes begins. Actually it's already begun, I'm just too wrapped up in my anger to realise.

I'm walking to work and these are the people I want to kill and it's not even 9am:

The group of knobs who spread out across the whole footpath - hey I get that there are four of you in your stupid little group, but is it necessary to walk in a straight line across the entire footpath!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't make me walk in the gutter assholes!

The guy who just had to run onto the tube and steal the seat I was heading towards, that was my seat! If eyeballs could burn a hole in someones head your brain would be on public display right now.

and as the day progresses my kill list grows ever longer:

Pretty much everyone I work with. Your music sucks. Your food stinks. Stop going on about things that happened on Friday. Stop watching sport next to me. Stop breathing so loud.

Mark. Erghh. Everything you are doing right now is annoying. knowing you exist is annoying me. I am thinking up annoying things you did weeks ago and getting re-annoyed at you. Expect lots of nonsensical arguments about things I have been stewing over for months. Do you remember that time you asked me one too many times if I wanted to see that movie 'Rabbit Hole' with Nicole Kidman? Well I don't!!!!!! I don't want the movie 'Rabbit Hole' mentioned to me ever again! What is your stupid fascination with that movie, it's like every time we go past a poster in the tube you go "hey do you want to see that movie Rabbit Hole? it's supposed to be awesome" It won't be awesome. It will be awful. Don't speak to me about 'Rabbit Hole'


Even inanimate objects are annoying: Oyster Card, do not tell me to seek assistance. YOU seek assistance you blue piece of crap.

Walking up Ladbroke Grove I give the drug dealers and gangbangers dagger eyes so even they would be too scared to mug me.

Before I go to bed my quilt annoys me for being too big, smelling funny and being itchy. Lenny annoys me because he must love the smell of period and won't leave me alone. And once again Mark is annoying me through his sheer existence.

I'm surprised more women don't end up in Prison. Unless "my period made me do it" is an understood excuse for getting out of stabbing people in the head.


TimTam said...

You totally CAN murder your partner and blame it on your period! Check it out:
I knew there had to be some sort of perk - surely we don't have to bleed our guts out every month for no reward...

Rach said...

wow. thats a very interesting article. i wonder if the PMS defense will stop you from being fired after you have a hormonal meltdown at work and do a group email calling everyone you work with a bunch of fat cunts???

Amy said...

I really do wish I got shouty when I was in the throes of PMS, because instead I get teary. I get ridiculously angry at everything and then just start crying.

I was once reduced to hysterics because I had to pick someone up but it was raining and it was cold. The person came into the car to see me crying so hard I couldn't breathe.

I'm sure your workmates will be sympathetic to your e-mail. Especially if they are a bunch of fat cunts; you're just being factual.