Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Typical. Magical Brain Powers.

There is something weird going on... It's like my thoughts and words have the powers to invoke actual real life revelations of opposite world.

CASE POINT 1: Mark and I are cooking in the kitchen and smugly congratulating ourselves on the fact that we have never had a bug or rodent in our house ever. Cue: The Next Night.... 2am stepping on mouse guts in the hallway.. now i'm giving every nook the side eye and cleaning crumbs up like a robot hoover with hands.

CASE POINT 2: It's Sunday, we're wandering around Notting Hill/Ladbroke Grove contemplating moving apartments and we're like "Fuck that! Hell No! I love this area! We would be crazy to move!!"...... 3 hours later - we're sitting on the couch and our landlord emails us to say we have to move within 2 months.

What the whaaaaaaaaaat?

I have magical powers to harness the things I say I don't want. Perhaps one can weild this power for gain??

I reallly realllly hope that noone reads this blog and my blog doesn't become famous and I end up with a book deal and someone makes a movie of my life and Anna Faris stars as me and we hang out on set together whilst James Franco plays the role of Mark. I really hope that never happens, that would be the worst.

I wish I could get really fat. I'm talking really really fat, like needing an army helicopter to rescue you from your house and a tank to deliver you to do the morgue fat. I would hate to be skinny with big boobs and perfect skin, I think that would be awful. Who wants that?? not me.

I really hope its hard to find an apartment. I mean takes forever... and that Foxtons are just more retarded than usual. Foxtons are without a doubt the dumbest real estate agents I have ever dealt with - they try and hide their stupid knobness by driving Mini Cooper's and handing out the free cokes, but seriously they are dumb. Example:

Me: "I don't want to look at any places on the ground floor"
Foxtons Idiot then proceeds to show me 3 ground floor places.
Me: "I won't pay more than 400 for a place"
Foxtons Idiot shows me places around the 600 mark.

ummmmm yeah, where do you guys get your real estate trading license from?? jpegs off the internet? right click. save. now I am a real estate agent. wtf!!

The guy today was so stupid he took me an apartment block (I specified no apartment blocks) which had about 500 apartments in it, and it was such a maze that he couldn't even find the apartment. I spent half an hour wandering around some crackden Aids block resembling the Overlook Hotel from the Shining and he couldn't even find the place!!!!!!!!! 'Ken Tard.

Really really not looking forward to moving. Moving to me is the equivalent of being pregnant for 9 months and then finding out you actually have to give birth to a big ugly suede chair that you have no use for and never wanted, and it's coming out sideways and you have to do it in the gutter because no hospital wants you and your stupid chairbaby.



The Chantal said...

lol I could totally see Anna Faris playing you! If I were a publisher I'd sign you up for a book deal in an instant :/

I seriously think you're the funniest blogger I have ever read and it amazes me you dont get like 100 comments per post, hmmm maybe I should become your agent/publicist n I'll get 10% of everything? :P

Rach said...

definitely. 10% and you can have your own trailer on set.

The Chantal said...

Damn I'm so glad you're in! It's a deal ;) got it in writing here :P