Sunday, November 28, 2010

We'll Laugh About This... One Day

You know when people say "ooh we'll laugh about this one day". It's true.

For Instance: the Wallet in the Washing Machine Incident.

THE SCENE:

It's the afternoon, I've been at home all day slothing around, Mark comes home in a fluster - he has a party to go to (always with the parties) and gets ready in a rush, and is generally being highly strung.

So he's got ready in about 10 minutes, then he says to me "so where is my wallet"
"wallet? what wallet? I haven't seen your wallet."
"well it was just here!"
"well are you looking for it???" (as you would know - men don't look with their eyes, in that if something isn't right in front of them - they can't see it.)

So we all look around, up and down, low and high, high and low, in front and behind.
No Wallet.

At this point mark is so stressed his eyebrows have literally leaped off his face in anger. He needs his wallet because his ticket to the party is in the wallet, and being an obsessive compulsive he needs to do his wallet ritual before he can leave the house. It is very unfortunate that we don't know where the wallet is.

"Let's backtrack to where the wallet was last.."
"It was right here" - Points to spot on the bench where the dirty pile of laundry was about 20 minutes ago.

Hmmm, the wallet was where the laundry was. The laundry is in the washing machine. Hence: the wallet is in the washing machine.

It takes my brain about 2 minutes to put this algorithm together and ever so slowly do my eyes swivel towards the front loading washing machine to see the wallet floating in a mass of suds and dirty clothes.

"Uh, I think I found the wallet"
"Well where is it then?!?!??!!"

I just look at the wallet going for a swim with our undies and in a mili second Mark understands. His rage is only second to his stress - and he completely loses it

"My wallet is in the washing machine!!! You put my wallet in the washing machine!! Get it out of the fucking washing machine!!"

Unfortunately I know that we can't get the wallet out of the washing machine until the machine has done its full cycle of spinning/rinsing and more spinning. And thus I fall into an uncontrollable fit of hysterics.

The more I laugh, the angrier mark gets, the more angry mark gets, the more tears of laughter stream down my face.

So we stand in the kitchen, watching the washing machine, me in tears, mark with steam coming out of his ears.

Eventually the spin cycle ends (a tense few moments one might say), we get the wallet out and I'm trying my hardest to diffuse the situation.

"Well the wallet's pretty clean now eh!"
"Good thing we have plastic money eh!"
"hmm all your cards survived, washed all the drug residue away eh! Won't get arrested in the airport now eh!"

Mark just shoots daggers at me whilst I blow dry his sopping wet wallet. All I can say to stop him from strangling me is go "we'll laugh about this one day!!" which probably doesn't hold much sway considering I can't even string a sentence together because I am laughing so hard.

TWO YEARS LATER...........

We are lying in bed, about to enter the land of Noddy, and I hear this snickering coming from Marks side of the bed..

"what are you laughing about?"
"remember that time you put my wallet in the washing machine"

I TOLD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wallets in Washing Machines.. Always Funny

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Cat?? What Cat??

Renting. My whole life I have rented. Except in the womb, that wasn't rented. But every apartment I lived in after that was rented. I rent now. One thing that is good about renting is that when things break - you don't have to foot the bill - not that I go around breaking stuff - except that on my first night in our London apartment I did break all the shelves in our wardrobe with an exceptionally heavy suitcase. But so what? I'm sure other people have made irreparable damage to a rented apartment mere hours after crossing the threshold.

Having stuff fixed is the good part. Hiding the Cat is the bad part.

Cats are never allowed. Its so racist. What damage is my cat likely to do that I wouldn't do myself?? So when it is "apartment inspection time" ...hence - the 'hiding of the cat' routine.

In my old apartment we used to take Lenny to the park and he could discover the wonders of grass for an hour, but now we don't have a park nearby, we don't have a car and its about 2 degrees outside.

The problem arises - where to store the child??

Tonight we had such an inspection... And it never really sinks in that I will have to form a game plan until about 20 mins before the Inspector is due to arrive.

Suffice to say.. we panicked.

Ideas that were thrown around.

* How about if we just put him in the wardrobe and cover him with jumpers??
* What if we put him in a box and hide it on the stairs?? no one will know its our cat and we can blame our upstairs neighbours for having a cat delivered to the wrong door.
*What about if we take all the light bulbs out of the light fixtures, if he can't see the cat he can't be sure that the cat exists.

From this point onwards our ideas became abstract to say the least..

* What if we pour all our ice cubes on the ground then we complain that the freezer door is broken, that way he is too busy being harassed about the fridge to worry about looking for cats
*What if we set fire to something small then he will be too distracted with the fire to worry about looking for cats??

In the end though, we went for something equally stupid and ridiculous.

Hide the Cat Plan #3975773

First - put cat in a box then put the box in the spare room, lock the spare room and pretend we don't have any keys to the room if he asks to go in there
Second - turn 'Friends' up really loud
Third - talk loudly especially when he walks past the spare room door
Fourth and the most cunning part of the plan - confuse the hell out of the Inspector by dressing up like we are about to go out and don't have enough time to do this 'nuisance' inspection in the first place.. unfortunately this genius part of the plan didn't come into effect until about 40 seconds before the Inspector rang the doorbell, so I had to do with my 'furcoat over pyjamas' look.

He was in the apartment for about 35 seconds before he left unawares of any feline entities inhabiting the place... sucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To be honest though he probably left because we were totally weirding him out. I mean, I don't think our outfits were fooling anyone - he clearly thought we were deranged mental patients.

Might I just add though that the Inspectors name was: Mr M Biggerdik.. so yeah, I might come across as a 'Grey Gardens' mental lady, but at least my name isn't Rachel Biggerdik.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Meet my Fermy

Everyone is having babies right now. Having Babies. Making Babies. Planning Babies.

Someone I know had a baby yesterday whom she named "starr".. good work! Should I donate some money now for her breast surgery and plane ticket to the trailer park to be a Born-Again Christian, stripper pornstar. Seriously, what kind of name is that.

I have a baby too.
I birthed him into my apple juice this morning.

Look how cute he is!! With his no legs floating around two bubbles for eyeballs cuteness!

I think he could have a career as a ghoul if they were ever to do another Ghostbusters movie.

Oh god I'm a stage mother!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Things you may not know about Famous Cats

I've never met anyone really famous or really cool in my life. So I was obviously super stoked when it was confirmed that we would be shooting a Whiskers commercial in the studio.

I love cats, I love commercials with cats, I couldn't wait to meet the most famous cat of all - The Whiskers Cat

(obviously the most famous cat is the Cheshire cat, but unless I take 50 tabs of acid I am unlikely to meet him - so for now the Whiskers cat will have to do)

What would the cat be like? Does he have an array of cat assistants? Does he have his own trailer? Will he only eat a freshly caught Norwegian Salmon??

FAMOUS CAT FACTS:
The Whiskers Cat is actually a girl.
A kitten girl.
They use 3 identical kittens for the role.
They use kittens because it makes the product look bigger.

I figured that this famous trio would be well versed in the acting that would be required of them on the day (look cute/jump around in christmas tree/play with christmas balls/eat food out of hand) I assumed they had been up all night reading through the script and practising their christmas repertoire.

Apparently not.

They aren't even actor cats! They are just cats!
And to make them do actions you just throw things in the air and make noises.

Pffffffffft. I could do that.

At least they have being cute on their side.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Invasion of Privacy 1287561

I think when you add the word "revolution" to something it makes it sound a lot more interesting.

The sandwhich revolution!
The mattress revolution!
The nap revolution!

I present to you The Tube Revolution:

I call this one: 1980's Newsreader and Nazi Fingersniffer

Gingerbread 365 Days please.

I just want to state upfront. I am not one of those types of Starbucks People. At least I didn't think I was until I moved to London. Generally, I don't even drink coffee, coffee makes me into a mentally depressed paranoid schizophrenic.

"everybody hates me. everybody hates me. just gonna sit in this corner and rock back and forth till I feel normal again"

That was the old days though. The days before moving to the 'Land of Hot Drinks'. I have seriously never been so inundated with hot drinks in my life, every two seconds there is a tea thrust in my face. But then I learnt there is a reason for the abnormal amount of hot drink obsessing... it is fucking cold, and a warm drink does fulfil its purpose in life: to warm you.

So then I became one of those people. Specifically: a Seasonal Starbucks Person. Last year I discovered their range of Hot Seasonal Christmas Drinks and my life has never been the same since. I pretty much count down the year till Seasonal Christmas Drink Time. I walked past the Starbucks on my way to work all through October rubbernecking through the door waiting for fake snow to be plastered on the windows because fake snow can only mean one thing.

Gingerbread and Eggnog flavored Lattes. Even though I will be up all night with my heart palpitations with my chest bursting through my pyjamas unable to sleep for 2 days, and feeling slightly more paranoid about rapists on the way home, I can't stop wanting them all the time and drinking them everyday.

God I love them. But I am mad. Really Mad.
Why must I be tortured with access to these awesome flavoured drinks once a year!!!!!!! They came out this weekend and I already have end of seasonal drinks sadness.

The problem is that I only have about 8 weeks of Gingerbread and Eggnog left to drink in!! And from someone who has grown up their whole life without eggnog when it's here I just want to bathe in it. Which in turn makes me into a Starbucks Junkie. And I never wanted to be one of those people.

Damn you to Hell Starbucks!! Delicious two months of the year jerkburgers.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Jesus Routine

I have decided that it's time to learn. Time to learn how to be funny. For Reals. So my Christmas present to myself this year is doing a Stand Up Comedy course where I will learn the art of being funny, and writing funny, and probably looking funny. I already have my outfit planned - nothing is funnier than tight jeans/sneakers and zany socks!!.. maybe?? I do need to learn the art of being professionally funny.

So I have been slowly putting together a routine, that will mostly fall around the subjects of:

My husband is retarded
My husband did the stupidest thing yesterday
My husbands penis is weird
My husband looks funny - just look at him (spotlight shines on him in audience)

Sucks to be My Husband.

But then I thought I should probably put some other jokes in there, and then this came to me:

"people always give me shit about being an only child, like it's a bad thing, when his happens I just remind myself that Jesus was an only child and nothing bad ever happened to him...."

then someone told me that apparently he did have brothers and sisters. pfffffft. no one teaches you that in school. I guess it's hard to top the story of Jesus the "spotlight hog", being Jesus's brother is probably way worse than being a Baldwin.

At any rate I think my joke was funny. Being factually correct isn't a huge factor in my routine, and if it falls flat due to lack of research.... have you met my husband?? man is he retarded. He has like 5 outfits he puts on before we can go to bed.

Marriage. the number one reason for Comedy Routines.

Saturday, November 06, 2010

NOVEMBER DIET

3rd November.. Day 3 of the "November diet"


and


But don't worry because then I did a little jig around the house whilst watching the opener of The Hills (exercise)

yeah this November diet is working out soooooooo well!

Friday, November 05, 2010

Lesbian Bieber

Justin Bieber creeps me out.

He looks like a girl. And not in a good "Orlando Bloom" way either.

He looks like a girl like he looks like a girl. Exactly like a girl. I think he has a vagina. I wouldn't put it past the music industry to tart up a good singing pre-teen vagina as a boy for the purposes of selling records. I don't understand what's to love about him? He doesn't even have pubes. That shit is just a whole mess of illegal wrongness.. then they throw the book at us for having sexy times with our 2nd Grade students... Mary Kay Letournou, I'm lookin in your direction.

The problem is that this girl/boy is completely confusing the fuck out of a generation of underage tweens who will are being willingly lead down the road to lesbianism. Justin Beiber is the lesbian patch. Not that there is anything wrong with being a lesbian. Every girl is a lesbian up until year 9. I think that Lesbian Music Industry Leaders are trying to take over the world! This is their first step!

Oooh you like Justin Bieber, well maybe you'd like to be part of my all girl muff rub group too??

It's only a matter of time before all the men in the world have been phased out and kept as pets and living ladders for reaching high things.

Thank God for my Vagina!

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Resolutions

I made a resolution. This month I would refrain from drinking, and eating bad things.

NOVEMBER 2nd: the test of my willpower

"would you like a drink"
"no I'm not drinking this month"

"really?"

"yeah.. so just one glass then"

2 glasses later... 2 beers later.

It is midnight and I am starving and, my options are the following: starve, or Dirty Bird. Obviously with the alcohol running through my veins going home to a bowl of over ripe plums and a can of expired tuna isn't going to cut it. Dirty Bird it is.

No amount of showering can remove how dirty I feel about this lapse in resolution judgment.

NOVEMBER 3rd: having fallen off the wagon so completely and immediately, I resolved to be a stronger better person from this day forward.

Lunchtime rolls around the caterer has gone to town.. I do the smart thing and have a small piece of chicken and lots of brown rice, that'll show you.. brain... think you're so smart. I completely avoid the giant tantalising cheesecake that is beckoning me from the end of the table, bathed in golden sunlight like a beam of Jesus.

There was no way I was going anywhere near that cheesecake.

"have you had the cheesecake? it is the best cheesecake I have ever had? have you seen that episode of friends where they eat the cheesecake off the ground? this is that type of cheesecake."

Well yes I have seen that episode. I love that episode. That episode makes me want to eat cheesecake off the floor, I have spent many years looking for floor eating cheesecake. What am I doing sitting down here like a chump whilst we have cheesecake that good upstairs!! I would have to be an idiot to turn down this kind of lifetime achievement tv moment cheesecake.

So I ate the cheesecake.. and some rhubarb cake.. and a wheel of cheese for good measure.

but starting tomorrow I am not eating anything bad!!!!!!!! Although if someone discovers a giant Wonka lake made of chocolate near my work I can't be held responsible if I go swimming in that and drink my lungs full of the good stuff.. and if someone finds one of those edible china cups that Wonka drinks out of, i'd like to eat one of those too.