Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A concert to make dad's pee their pants

I am going to see Paul McCartney. I know it's not alllllllllllll the Beatles, but one is enough right?!! I mean I personally think that there certain artists that one has to see before they die, Artists that changed the world, artists that probably changed your life. And the Beatles are a band that you have to see if you have the opportunity.. but unless you have a time machine, you will have to settle for one - and at least this one was one of the main ones (sorry Ringo. but no one wants to hear a concert of Octopus' Garden)

So the line-up to see Paul McCartney is as follows:

Paul McCartney (no surprises)
Crosby, Stills and Nash (it would be nice is Neil Young joined the pack)
Elvis Costello (cultural relevance)
Crowded House (seriously?? didn't they break up.. oh yes that's right I was there at their so-called "last concert" at the Opera House in the 90's. LIARS.)

And some other people - But that line-up is soooooooo 50 year old man. Luckily I will know most of the songs because my parents have good musical taste.

I can't wait till i'm 50 and my favourite old timey bands go on tour:

Michael Jackson: raised from the dead - shouldn't be too hard, he is 80% plastic, he's bound to preserve well
Madonna: crotch thrusting in her wheelchair
Snoop: legally allowed to smoke weed thanks to his aging glaucoma
And i'm sure Cher will play too because let's face it - that woman is an un-aging vampire.
NKOTB: playing all the hits and doing synchronized old man dance routines consisting of: face the front, face the side, face the back, face the side, then back to the front again (repeat)
Guns & Roses: playing a medley
Britney Spears: doing the 'got 6 more kids' need the child-support tour

can't wait for 2030, its gonna be a great year for Festivals.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Donut Pick Me Up

It was the hottest day in London this year over the weekend. Lush. 28 degrees. Parklife. I much prefer grass to sand, so I am superstoked that London has an abundance of really lovely parks to sun yourself in when the opportunity arises. It is velvety soft and NO BINDIES!!!!! There is nothing worse that running barefoot through a field of grass only to realise that you are stuck in a bindi patch and have to navigate your way out like a minfield. No such problems here. Bindi's are a thing of the past. It's barefoot all the way for me now.

Being that it was a lush day, everyone is out on the town in their tiniest summery outfits, and this is where I find myself at the line in Tescos with an american shmo behind me trying to pick me up using the worst pick up act in history.

SHMO: How good do they look??? (in reference to a display of Donuts)
ME: Gross. I hate donuts
SHMO: wow. that's the first i've heard that. You are unique.
ME: mmmmmmm hmmmmm
AWKWARD SILENCE
SHMO: man its cold in here. horrible isn't it?
ME: it's nice
SHMO: just wait till it rains
ME: mmmm hmmmm

So he tried to figure out where I lived. If I liked London. If I had ever been to Boston.
NO. NO. NO Shmo. What are you some kind of donut loving serial killer??? Pfft "friendliness" I dont need new shmo friends in the never ending tesco line.

Dream On.

Love that Park.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Jingle Time

Sometimes when I am walking home I try out different jobs in my head. Last night I was pretending I was a Jingle Writer, and my brief was to write a new Jingle for a World-Vision Campaign.

I never see World-Vision starving african commercials anymore, not like I used to see when I was growing up. Does no one care anymore? was it just a fad like Clear Cola ?? Plus it would help them if they had a song that we could relate to?? something to remind us that the starving africans of the world are still starving. Just like the Happy Little Vegemites song reminds me to eat Vegemite.

So in my imagination scenario for my jingle writing job, I am ripping off the tune from Happy Little Vegemites (cos let's face it - these are londoners, sif they have ever heard that song - they will think I am a musical genius)

so here is my version:

"they're starving little africans
as poor as poor can be.
all they eat is dirt and dust for breakfast, lunch, and tea
They can't even hold their heads up or stand because they are so very weak.
All they eat is dirt, and sand and all they eat is bugs and worms.
They don't even need their teeth......"

I feel a Cannes Gold Lion coming on.............

Work Jokes

I'm kinda in charge of some stuff at work. Which is fun, because responsibility = opportunities to send out jokes about said responsibilties.

Today I made up this joke about our broke ass internet and I think its genius... even though noone else has responded.. and I haven't been fired either, so it's hard to tell what the group consensus is.

"Our Internet is broken. The bad news is that it goes down more than Tiger Woods.. the good news is that when it does go down it doesn't go down for long.. like Tiger Woods"

HA!

I was going to say "when it does go down it doesn't go down for long... like Mark" but that might be crossing a weird line. Besides, I don't need someone down there all night. I have things to do.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Disgustingness Poll

I am not a germo-phobe per se. I don't go around licking handrails on the tube, but I don't walk around in a space suit either. What I do find quite disgusting though is when someone else uses intimate items of mine before I do.

ie: Towels & Toothbrush.

It is NOT NICE to get out of the shower and pick up your towel to find that it is already wet and used. Gross. and yeah I know that when you get out of the shower you are clean.. BUT you are still flossing your ass with that thing, putting your ballhair and dick germs all over my nice pristine towel... (oh yeah, i'm talking about my other half here) Not Happy.

So basically Mark has been using a 'training towel' because he is too stupid to remember that MY towel goes on the door, HIS towel goes on the rack. Door/Rack.. not that hard. He's been on the training towel now for about 2 weeks. The training towel being our crappy green towel that we would usually dry the cat with after giving him a bath. Ah well - you learn. He was promoted up to regular towel only yesterday.. so it is with great disdain that I find he has also been using my toothbrush.

I can't describe how gross I find this. Yes I realise that it's my husband's mouth and not some toothless dicksucking hobo using my toothbrush, but still. That's a private domain. Who knows what disgusting things you are getting up to during the night. Sleep Eating, Sleep Drinking, Sleep Cock-Smoking.......... Whatever you get up to!!!! Can't you tell the difference between my toothbrush and yours!! Do I have to get a training toothbrush now?? or should I start hiding and dividing all my things in a secret cupboard so you aren't getting up before me and sticking my tampons in your butt, or wearing my undies to ride to work in and stenching it up with your ballsweat!!!!! IS this what my life has come to!!!!!!!!

Raghh.

My DNA will never be the same again.

it's not just me is it??!?!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Professor Green! Hi-Five

You know what is weird about modern dance?? everything. Saturday night we went to see Compagnie Marie Chouinard perform her latest work at Sadlers Wells.... If I ever needed to take someone out for a night on the town to show them a visual representation of what the word 'bizarre' means to me - then this would be at the top of my list.

People dancing across the stage in harnesses, people entwined in rubber latex, dancers with giant metal poles attached to their heads.

Did I mention there is no music?? why would there be music?? This is modern dance. Music is old-school - all you you need is someone screaming into a microphone and a loop of some guy talking about music beats with a kid piano being played erratically for 2 hours.

I did learn a few good dance moves though to bust out, one is the floppy arms sideways headbob moochy jump across the stage, and the metal rod attached to my head shuffle on a skateboard across the stage.

So that was saturday. Sunday was much more contemporary.

'PRINCE OF PERSIA' WORLD PREMIERE!!!!!!!! with me on the red carpet. Also in attendance:
Jake Gyllenhaal.

He was standing literally right next to me. I could have whispered sweet nothing's in his ear, if "i'm gonna rape you" is considered a sweet nothing. He probably wouldn't have noticed what with all the raping screaming girls on the other side of the barrier (losers).

We also had Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton, Jerry Bruckheimer, and lots of other famous peeps. They sat 5 rows behind us in the cinema so we had to be quiet when we were bagging out Jake's inconsistent British accent throughout the film "nice accent Jake".. sorry did you hear that?? I meant another Jake.

On the way out we saw Professor Green and his band, and I went up and High Fived the Professor and posed it up for some pics. Lucky I washed my hair, I think I'm on Getty Images giving Jakey Poo the good ol' rape eye, and Kerry Katona the 'who the fuck invited you??' eye.

I really hope my next Premiere has Harmony Korrine on the invite list. I'd like to shoot up some heroin with him, steal some laptops and make up lies on national tv broadcasts.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Free Bike!!!! Social Experiment

We came into possession of a bike this year. London is very bike-friendly, not like Sydney where every car will try to ram you off the road into the gutter. So when it was warm enough we borrowed Kylie's Dad's Bike.... Great Bike, rode it to work, got fit, who needs a tube pass????

Unfortunately Kylie's Dad's Bike had been sitting in Kylie's backyard in the snow and rain for a year so it was mildly dangerous. We took it to get fixed but it was clear it was on it's last legs. ie: You're at the lights about to pedal off and the pedals fall off the bike.

So we brought a new bike (i like referring to myself like i'm in a group.. like Gollum. the preciouuuuuuuuussssssssss) So we's brought a new bike we did. Dirty Hobbit'ses.

But what to do with the old bike?? lucky we had permission to throw it on the street. But that would be too easy. We could just throw it on the street, OR we could throw it on the street and do a social experiment at the same time.

SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Will people steal a bike if there is a possibility the bike might kill them.

Notice I didn't say how exactly it might kill you?? it might be the sort of bike who creeps into your house in the night and puts bleach in your milk.. or stands behind the doorway and shoves a knife in your back when you get up to pee.

Anyway: back upstairs to the kitchen so we could watch the bike to see how long it would take for someone to take it.

At first people would just walk past the bike and read the note. We even had a gang of youths come past and they didn't take the bike (granted they were already on bikes, but you would think youths would be the prime candidates for bike stealing)

In our haste of the social experiment we put the bike in a pile of garbage, which didn't put the bike in a nice light... sure it's a free bike but you don't want a free bike that is parked in a dirty diaper and bolognaise sauce.. So we moved the bike across the road and under a nice tree, and success!!!!!!!! 30 seconds later our first potential bike thief.

Man parked his van, read note on bike, took bike for a test ride, then put bike back. I think the note put him off.... "hmm i wouldn't mind a free bike, but a bike that might kill me?? i think not"

40 mins later and no one had taken the bike. This is London right?!??!?! "dangerous" london?? "dont move to london cos you'll get robbed and raped and stabbed and sold drugs at the tube" london?? pfffffft. I must live in the safest neighbourhood out there because about 30 people walked past that bike and didn't falter.

Until this guy came along:

He read the note and threw it to the ground. Clearly a guy who laughs in the face of danger. Then two seconds later he was on the bike and riding down the road. Good Luck Guy, hope you don't think "brakes" are an important safety feature on a bike.

If that bike kills him I take no responsibility. It came with a warning.

Preciiiooussssssssssssss

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Take Everything

Last night I saw Courtney Love perform a Hole gig at Brixton Academy.

She was amazing. There is just something about her - she has amazing stage presence. It might be 12 years since her last record, but she hasn't lost her talent or showmanship.

I was hoping that she wouldn't just be some sad RSL throwback doing a greatest hits tour, but she totally rocked. She didn't pull her tampon out and throw it into the audience but it was still awesome. She played lots of songs from 'Live Through This' which could have been the soundtrack to my life in 1995. She also did some amazing covers; NIN 'fuck you like an animal', Leonard Cohen, and a really amazing version of The Rolling Stones 'don't play with me cos you play with fire'. Greatness.

Brixton Academy is in Brixton (duh) and I am honestly never going to believe anything that anyone tells me over here.... FALLACIES:

It rains all the time. No it doesn't - the sun is shining and blue skies pretty much consistently.. it rained on the weekend a bit. big deal. whinging gits.

Brixton is full of serial killer black people who will try to sell you drugs/stab you from the walk from the tube to the venue. Pfft. I see more black people on my street walking home every afternoon. Racists. Yes I did see some black people selling t-shirts outside the venue, but were they scary?? No. Racist Fearmongerers.

Over the weekend I also went to Camden Crawl, which is like a pub venue Big Day Out. Pendulum headlined the gig (australian band) and the bass was so intense that my eyebrows were vibrating off my face. It also vibrated away all my calories from dinner. Awesome.

It's kinda overwhelming being able to see sooooooooo many cool things whenever you want. You really have so many options that each weekend is taken up for the next year. AND our tom tom arrived today so we can continue to argue around the world in our rent-a-car. Arguing on the ferry to Spain, Arguing through France, Arguing on the autobahn in Germany. So many arguments to be had. Can't wait.

This weekend though (in addition to the arguing) we are seeing some 'Contemporary (Naked) Dancing' which is only differentiated from smutty naked dancing because it was specially choreographed and has weird props in it rather than stripper poles.

I need a clone.