Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Stand-In

It's Official. I need Pete Doherty's number, Russell Brands number, a coke dealers number, and a carton of cigarettes delivered within the next hour.

Why? Because I am a Model.

(Not Really.)

I am the 'stand-in' model, which is about as glamorous as being the 'fat girl' on 90210

Working at a production company does have it's odd days, and today was the day I wore a wig and pranced around on set to set up the lighting shots for the real model. I don't know how I feel about this... for one - you are clearly NOT the model, and when she does arrive on set you realise just how un-modelly you actually are...FYI: I'm on an Oxygen Diet from now on.

Finally I have a reason to chain-smoke and fuck 'stand-in' directors to get ahead in my career. I was born to stand. walk. stand. swish hair. walk. move arm. smile.

Easy. Where's my wig loading???

Friday, April 23, 2010

Lamington Day!!

We have a cat at work. Cats at work are nice. Our Cat has a song on Youtube.... unfortunately our cat has cancer :( Nothing worse than a cat with cancer, especially a work cat because he doesn't technically have an owner and chemotherapy for cats with cancer is something they will have to have for the rest of their lives, and it costs about £50 a month.

Where does the money for the cat's chemotherapy come from??? in an ideal world everyone would put money into a tin for him and life would be grand. Unfortunately, nobody puts any money in the tin for him - why?? because he's not your cat. I can understand this, having to pay over £1000 to send Lenny over here would make most people go "well he was a nice cat, shame we'll never see him again" and move on to getting another cat. Pet's are for life (my pets) and if I have to spend £10,000 on my cat I will, although that's nothing compared to this woman who spent £50,000 on her pet Parrot.

Basically what i'm saying is that animal lovers will find a way to be with their pets, and save their pets if they are dying of cancer. Except no one is going to save kevin because he doesn't have an owner, this breaks my heart.

So we decided to have a Bake Sale for him.. which brings me to the Lamington. A quintessential icon of every australian childhood, if there is one thing that Lamingtons are good for - it's raising money, raising money for school computers, raising money for class camping trips, and now raising money for cancerous cats.

No one at my work had ever heard of a lamington... "aren't they the little sandwiches with lemon icing in them?" um, no.. i have no idea what that is, and if you find it get it the hell away from me it sounds disgusting.

So I toiled for 3 days making the perfect lamingtons for my office. We had some false starts (exploding volcanic sponge) but I came out the other end with 6 mongoloids and a dozen award winners.


LAMINGTONS FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!

LATER THAT DAY:

Just as I suspected, my lamingtons went down a treat. I raised £25 for the cat's chemotherapy so that makes me feel good about life.

BUT what is even better is this little story:

My office is next to one of Gordon Ramsey's restaurants. When my lamington's were unveiled to my co-workers they went in a flash, the office was busy, I had clients and crew buying up, including an art director who took my lamington next door to the restaurant. He came back a minute later to ask for another one as the chef wanted to taste one. Apparently he loved it. A little while later Gordon Ramsey's Head Chef comes into my office to compliment my lamingtons and give me a preview taste of his new lemon polenta cake (made with lemoncello). Wow.

I think i'm gonna be a huge hit in the playground one day.

Next week: Chocolate Crackles & Toffees, and other yummy treats from my 1980's australian childhood.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

MOMA's next exhibition


One Hole. One Movement. One Day.
Two very different identities.
Both alike in substance.
Travelling the same journey.
A bowl of wonder and mystery.
Plink Plonk.
How did you both manage to get out at the same time?

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Calender Trees

You know what I find incredibly racist. The fact you are only limited to buying calenders once a year... what if you didn't buy a calender at christmastime?? do I have to do without for a whole year?? it seems so.

I went looking around all of London for a 2010 calender, nothing at any of the stationary stores, nothing at poundland, nothing at the bookstores, nothing at the store that sells everything. I went into Waterstones (an obvious calender selling choice) and the lady just raised her eyebrows at me and said in a tone that could be construed as though I asked her what section the kiddy porn was in.......

" Um, It's the wrong time of year for calenders!!!!!!!!!"

Sorry! I didn't realise that Calenders grew on trees.

Much like nectarines and watermelon........ Calenders it seems are seasonal.

This is just not right. Who decided this??! who owns this monopoly on time??! Who is regulating the Calender Industry?

FREEDOM FOR CALENDERS!!!!!!

You can't tell me that there isn't a warehouse of 2010 calenders that are going to be churned up and turned into god knows what.. toilet paper (or next years calenders??) It's not fair. these calenders are not reaching their full potential, and furthermore now I have to keep track of my notes on post its stuck all around the apartment and we all know how that is going to turn out (bad - bad is how it will turn out.. oh I didn't realise you were coming this weekend!! I might have known if i had a Calender to write it in!!!!!!!!!!)

Fuck You! Calender Nazi's. No Calenders For You.

the first drawer is always the hardest.

Another great Myth of the Universe is that men are better at putting furniture together than their female counterparts. I strongly disagree - about 80% of our Ikea furniture (which could be assembled by a down syndrome monkey) was assembled by me.

Throw into the mix some actual hard to assemble furniture and we will see who truly shines in this sexist competition of furniture building. Last week I brought a dressing table - not from Ikea, but a self assemble non the less. The good thing about Ikea furniture is that they truly are the most simple things to assemble, not so of their self assemble cousins from other companies. Luckily however Mark was working late, and it was a friday, so I had 3 whole nights to put it together or die trying.

My task was to assemble: 2 x drawers (on wheelie brackets) and a table to put them in. Shouldn't be that hard right??!

It took me ONE HOUR to put together ONE DRAWER. One Drawer!!!!!! I still had about 50 other pieces to somehow put together and I was one drawer in. Although to be fair the first drawer is always the hardest.

I truly think they put their instructions manuals together as an in-joke at the factory just to fuck with you, because if I actually followed the instructions, my amazing dressing table would have all the screws in upside down, and the drawers would have to go in backwards. Stupid Instructions. In the bin you go!!!!!!!!! I would rather try to put this together with the deductive powers of the mind than fall into another one of your upside-down back-to-front traps.

4 hours later when mark came home I had two finished drawers and 2 sides with which to put them in, which was a monumental feat and I should have been given a parade for my effort. However - mark decides that I am too frustrated (read: he was frustrated) to put anything else together, so he completely takes over my venture and delegates me to cooking dinner!! cunt.

Meanwhile i'm browning onions and chopping garlic whilst he just stares at the planks of wood with a screwdriver in his hands. Oh thanks sooooooo much for your help mark, i could have stood around staring at the planks too, so I have to not only cook dinner (i am starving btw) and assemble the rest of the furniture with one hand as I had a cooking spatula in the other.

What is the lesson here??? Maybe don't come into the process of assembling a piece of furniture when the other person is 75% finished and try to take over if all you can do is stare into space. Not only did I finish putting everything together (single handed) I cooked dinner at the same time. I deserve a freaking medal!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and did I mention that once the furniture was in place Mark had the nerve to get down on his knees and side-eye my drawer workmanship!!!!!!

This one was for all the wives our there (the Multi Tasking Wives). We need a Multi Tasking Wives Day - a day of parades and dinner cooked for us. Only then would life be fair.

leaf watch 2010

A lot of people speculate that the one thing that australians will miss when they move here will be the ocean. yeahhhhhh, not really. I like the ocean and bodies of water and I will gravitate towards them if they are around, however the one thing that I have really been missing are green leafy trees.

Commence: LEAF WATCH 2010

When we moved to Ladbroke Grove it was winter - so all the trees were black dead skeletons. I was pleased to note however that there is an abundance of dead black skeletons up and down my street and in the area behind my apartment so as soon it was spring and I saw a few green leaves I was officially on Leaf Watch.

Everyday I get up and the first thing I do is check for leaf sprouts on the tree outside our bedroom window. to date: nothing green yet, however we do have tiny little green nubs, which I can only take as a sign of greener things to come.

On the street there are some giant trees that have been hacked of their leafy limbs, to date I have not seen any greenery on these - however I think the progress of these will be slow going as they have to first grow some twigs then the leaves will follow, so Twig Watch has been plodding along slowly on these.

There are some trees in the side streets that are blossoming away and colour the pavements with pink/white blossoms and light the sky with green leaves. mmmmmmmmmmm leaves.

This very exciting Leaf and Twig watch will continue until everything on my street is green like a nursery and I feel like tarzan in a treehouse.

OMG so exciting.seriously. no way.

stay tuned!

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Great Easter Mother vs Mother

One of the perks of living overseas is getting care packages. Birthdays/Christmas/Wednesday.... and Easter. Mark and I both knew that we had Easter Packages coming to us, and being the uber-competitive dickweeds we are - pitting mother against mother in a fight for the title of Best Present Sender (Best Mother really) the stakes were high.

From My End:

Classy. Quality. More than enough to go around. Those chocolate ducks are too cute to eat!! This was going to be tough to beat, unless of course M-I-L was planning to send a box full of Cherry Ripes.

From His End:

Wow.

A hopping, nibbling, plastic rabbit. Granted, we definitely don't have one of these.

Who can say who is the clear winner is out of these two??? (my mum is) Plastic rabbit??, I am intrigued as to what the 'with sound' sounds are, from what I know about rabbits they don't make a lot of sounds, unless you put in batteries are are greeted with the realistic sounds of silence?? Money well spent.

isle of wight campaign

Roadtrip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your next stop will be the Isle of Wight

Isle of Wight, or Isle of Right, and even Isle of White (racists)....... is pretty. it's got everything you need on an isle - clear blue water, goats, cliffs, and pigs.

Itchy Pigs... we call the little one Eczema.


Isle of Wight is a 2 hour drive from London and a carboat ferry trip. I love carboat ferries. Cars are good, and Ferries are good, and cars on ferries are beyond exciting. But what was most exciting about this roadtrip was that for once mark and I wouldn't have to stare at just each others faces for 48 hours!!!!!!!!!!! what you need is a coupla couples to break the weekend tension, and one key ingredient for a decent road trip is having the correct personality ingredients - luckily the group had it all: Introducing the Faces of Isle of Wight 2010 Campaign.

Bill and Bob (not pictured: Bob) Ann & Ruhunther, and Maureen & Irene.

Bill & Bob - the gays
Ann & Ruhunther - the rich indians
Maureen & Irene - the lonely women with heaps of cats

I think we'd look good a cruise ship - playing shuffleboard and wearing matching outfits.

We're kinda in the English Channel, France is to the left, Spain the right, if there was a tsunami we'd be ok (depending on the side of the island) who cares what direction we go in 'knockout' as long as you win (damn drunken card games), september 11 was a conspiracy, fruit wine is just not good, a garlic farm sounds better than it is, and i'm not payin £5 to see some chickens when i could see some pigs for free. Why are there so many horses roaming around?? is this a sign of the apocalypse....

Horses are amazing when they're standing in the road,
Just don't stand behind them or they'll kick you in the nose.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

A World Without Jeans

I often wonder what would a world be like without Jeans?? You know when you're standing in a giant queue and you look around and notice that 90% of the people around you have jeans on??

Denim has achieved global domination on a scary scale.

If we lived in a world without jeans, then 90% of the people in this photo would have no pants on. Bizarre. Not that i'm one to talk, I was wearing jeans whilst I took this photo, heck - i'm wearing jeans right now. Jeans Jeans Jeans.

I don't know about you, but I have about 10 pairs of Jeans in my wardrobe, and I am always on the lookout for more jeans. I have:

Skinny Black
Super Skinny Black
Baggy Black
Light Black
Skinny Blue
Bootcut Blue
Baggy Blue

not to mention the other pairs of jeans I had that I stopped wearing and cut into skirts or just threw in the garbage. I am definitely obsessed with jeans.

Jeans. The Opiate of the Legs.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Arguing Around The World: Scotland Edition

Since moving to London, all Mark and I have is each other. We don't have a huge network of acquaintances yet, we have some friends - The Number Ones', but no Number Two, or Threes. So it's pretty much just the two of us. All the time. I wake up. You're Here. I go to bed. You're Here. So it is no surprise that when you spend that much time together you will start to bicker over really stupid shit.

We went to Scotland over the Easter Holiday - which meant 96 hours of each other's faces. Common Arguments involve:

'why are we walking down this stupid street? surely there are better more exciting streets than this!! who picked this street?'

'I don't want to eat here. I'm not walking any further. We'll just have to eat at the next place we come across' - then proceed to walk around for an hour looking for somewhere suitable.

Whether or not it is gay to wear a seatbelt on the coach. 'I don't see anyone else wearing one. It's my choice to crash through the window. At least I won't look like the biggest dork on here.'

How many apples are ok to steal from the Hotel Lobby??

'Why are we even in this shop if we aren't going to buy some stupid CD of Scottish Highland Bagpipe Music??'

It helps pass the time anyway. In between going "wow. that is truly the most amazing thing I have ever seen", because there is a lot of that going on. The thing that gets me about moving over here and having easy access to trips around Europe is how amazing every single place we go to is. (and easy to get to, it takes 50 mins to fly to Edinburgh, it takes me longer than that to get ready of a morning) I haven't seen a dud yet. Scotland is sooooooooooo amazing. I will definitely be going back, or trying to move there one day.

What is not to love about Scotland? You can't walk two feet without tripping over a castle or some amazing historical monument. Although to be fair, if a rich history steeped in violence and war isn't your thing, you should probably go somewhere else. Oh look there's a beach with a palm tree...........

Edinburgh Castle. Built into a monumental mountain of towering volcanic rock. It is really breathtaking to see this for the first time. Nestled amongst the amazing Georgian Architecture that is the gothic looking Old Town.

I love Old Town. Anything that is Old is OK in my books. Edinburgh is quite a tiny city, one that was the site of hundreds of Witch Burnings, (bodies in the river) Plague, and general murder and hangings. I am sooooooooooo glad I wasn't alive back in those days. I wouldn't last two seconds. I am really quite attached to my flushing toilet. They actually had it really bad, for awhile they weren't allowed to speak Gaelic, gather in groups of 4, or wear tartan. Luckily Sir Walter Scott changed all that. Tartan for All!!!!!!!!

Things I learned about Scotland.

Kilts: no they don't wear anything under there. And the material is made from wool so it keeps you nice and warm so the need for pants is unnecessary. All Scotsman carry knives in their socks. Back in war days they would use their kilts as blankets to sleep in of a nighttime, then when battle was upon them, they would charge at their enemy in their wispy nightshirts with all their weapons on display. Hardcore Much??!

They really value their heroes and authors. I have never wandered around a city with so many statues erected for authors. I don't imagine that you would walk around a city these days and come across a giant monument to Stephen King or Stephanie Meyer... unless maybe they came from Scotland......... (note to self: write a book in Scotland)

Whiskey: they love it. Rain is actually referred to as 'raw whiskey'. And if you don't like whiskey then you haven't found the right whiskey for you. I found mine.

The Scottish Highlands are just breathtaking.

I have to admit my ignorance that I didn't even know that Scotland had ginormous mountain ranges. I thought it was just green rolling pastures. Which it is, until you get to the ginormous mountain ranges. Snow peaked mountains for hourrrrrrrrrrrs. I haven't seen so many pointy enormous snow peaked mountains in my life. So pretty. I can't help surveying the other people around me though when I do see those mountains for the first time to decided who I would eat if we crashed.

Loch Ness - one big lake. Saw a house that Alastair Crowley used to own to do his devil worship in which Jimmy Page brought off him. This quiet lake just doesn't seem the right setting for Led Zeppelin jam-outs. No monsters here.

Haggis: just a ball of seasoning. I heard all sorts of wrong things about Haggis, and back in the 'nothing else but pig guts' days, it was probably really disgusting. However - the gentrified expensive restaurant version of Haggis isn't bad at all. They will put it with anything - haggis tortellini, eggplant stuffed haggis, haggis stuffed with haggis. It's just a more meaty flavoured ball of seasoning - meaty bits with seasoning and oats. No big deal.

In Summary: Scotland - one of the prettiest places I have ever been. Plus what is not to love about listening to the Scottish accent???? I can't understand a word you are saying, but you sound really cool. Hypnotise me with those rolling R's.

Where to go next??! It's so hard, I want to go back to all the places I have already been!!!!!!!!! However Tuscany is next.