Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Loved Up

This is gonna get pretty loved up, so pop an ecstasy and join me on the couch as we pile our limbs on each other and tap our feet to the music that we danced to earlier in the night, but we can still hear tingling through our bones.

I know it's Australia Day.. Straya Day.. Invasion Day, and I have a book of Australian Animals sitting on my desk right now.. Red Necked Wallaby (miss em) Red Necks (don't miss em) and don't even get me started on Huntsman Spiders, do you know how awesome it is to live in a country where you don't have to check every cornice before you enter a room properly. I would have liked to have worn a big fleecy jumper with a koala print on the front and some eucalyptus earrings to work today, but eh.. had I known this before I left I would have gone shopping and brought the most hideous outfits imaginable... I could wear that crap with pride on a day like today (whilst I listen to John Farnham for the first time in my life.. by choice)

And whilst kangaroos and koalas are great - you know what else is great?? London. I just love London.

I love the cold. I love central heating. I love my heated towel rack. I love my magical central heating timer that turns everything on and makes it warm so I can get out of bed and feel toasty in the morning.

I love dressing up in layers. I love boots. I love jackets. I love love love hats. I love gloves.

London is a city designed for socialising, back home if someone asked me to join them for a drink in Newtown on a weeknight my response would have been 'pahh ha' sif mate. sif. for one it will take me 2 hours to get home because of the entirely crap public transport infrastructure in the city. In London I can meet someone in any part of the city and be 2 mins away from a tube station, and wait no longer than 2 mins for a tube to take me home within 25 mins. Easy.

Peeps here are just nicer. I have come to a startling conclusion that Sydney is full of competitive un-friendly knobs. Everyone in sydney is wary, they are wary of new people, they are wary of new competition, and generally just try too hard to impress themselves upon others. It's tiring. I haven't gone out and met anyone I generally like or would like to meet again in years. Upon moving to London EVERY person I have met socially or through work have been the nicest people on the planet. They are interested in you as a person, not what they can gain out of the relationship. Everyone at my job has taken the time to get to know me, they invited me to their christmas party after 3 days of working there. I got a christmas card. I have worked at places in sydney where people struggle to remember your name after 2 months, and would email you to ask you something if they were sitting right next to you.

London is just a city that 'gets' me. They have a sense of humour, they find it hilarious when my australian accent confuses everyone..

"love that post office, there are no lines"
"wow you have lions in your post office?"
"lions?? what the hell? Lines. Queues"

Lions?? Mental. You can have a laugh with these people, not just be sneered at as the obscure new person who isn't "in the group yet". I feel like London has welcomed me with open arms, and that moving here was the right choice. I don't think I'll ever go back.. not until I'm old and want to retire under a palm tree, and in this futuristic dream they have invented a roomba for the roof that goes around scanning the ceilings for spiders for you.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Royal Advertisements

Have you noticed how much of a baldy balderson Prince William is these days. What is he? 52 years old?? that aint right. Poor Guy... You know what he needs..

He needs a membership to Advanced Hair (yeah yeah)

And I reckon if he's gonna go to Advanced Hair (yeah yeah) then he should at least do an ad for them. Noone cares about that philandering cricketer Shane Warne anymore. He's toast.

Can you imagine if the future king of England did an ad for Advanced Hair. It would be groundbreaking. Think of the barriers you could break down with Royalty doing direct advertising. It would be a magical world.

Then i'm sure we could get the Queen on board for Tena Lady (cos let's face it, the woman can't sneeze or have a good laugh without pissing her pants, you can tell by counting her crows feet, if you get to 2million, she's a piss pants)

However I think Hot Prince Ginge should only be doing high end Commercials. He is too hot for anything else. You gotta have respect. Respect for the Hot Ginge.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

You can get it at Poundland

Back in Old Sydney Town, we have things called the '$2 shop' you can get everything in the $2 shop, but unfortunatley things in the $2 shop never actually cost $2, you still pay $5 for a giant bag of chips, or you'd pay 30c for a plug... it's a good shop, and when I worked there and was put on cash register duty, I did charge everything at $2... $30 crate of catfood?? $2.. $20 bikini $2.. people looked at me weird when I said everything in their basket was $2, but hey! don't call yourself a $2 shop and don't put me on cash registers when I specifically asked not to!!

That's all changed at Poundland.

In Poundland, everything costs One Pound. Everything.

toothpaste
toilet paper
batteries
chocolate biscuits
2 liters of milk
some almost expired ham
teatowels
sink unclogger
toblerone
chocolate orange

One Pound.

It's a magical place.

You know those crap ads, where there is some annoying voice over guy going "Poundland Poundland Poundland!!!!!!!!! you can solve all your troubles at Poundland, Everything One Pound!!Heaven is Poundland"

I would like to be in one of those ads. Being in a testimonial commercial for Poundland is my life's ambition. Especially if I was filmed in my crappy "goin to poundland" outfit. When you go to Poundland you don't need to dress up. I don't even wash my face. You can wear your tracksuit pants tucked into your gumboots and nobody would look at you sideways in Poundland. That isn't to say that sexy people don't go to Poundland. Poundland isn't just for ugly people. Poundland is for all people.

Fuck I love Poundland.

I also love seagulls in the snow:

Seagulls in the Snow
You don't belong here
Something must be wrong.
You've nowhere to go dear,
When there's Seagulls in the Snow..

Monday, January 04, 2010

Let's hunt for Treasure

You are never at a loss of Museums and Galleries to look at and learn things when in London, over this Christmas Holiday Break I have been around: The Tate Modern, The British Museum, the Museum of Natural History..... and you know what I have learned....

People will take a photo of anything that is behind a barrier. Seriously, can't you just appreciate the stuff in the museum by looking at it with just your simple corneas?? I miss the 80's. It was a simpler time. Peeps would just wander around Museums looking bored, dressed in brown pants and eating overpriced hot chips and vinegar and everyone was happy. Sure we would line up for 2 hours to see some dinosaur bones but at least we were appreciating the whole experience.

I swear I don't think half the people in the British Museum actually realised where they were... well sure I could look at in detail and read the plaque about this misappropriated artifact (imo) OR I could stand around taking a million cool photos to bore the shit out of people when I get back home. If there is one thing more boring than being in the Museum, it's having look at some jerk's facebook album about every single artifact they photographed in the museum..

"now check out this bowl!!!!"
"neato.. what era did that come from?"
"ummmmmmmmm... dunno, but check out the cool reflection of me on the rim as it bounces off the protector glass"
"sweet man." puts gun to head.

Pfffffffft.

I really wish I had something of value to offer a museum though, who wouldn't?? besides the Egyptians - who let's face it, put a curse on the 20th century for stupid white explorers who totally raped their entire culture to put on display and sell off to the highest bidder. I truly hope those myths about murderous scarab beetles are a fact.

I think museum treasure is only fair game if you accidentally stumble across it in your backyard and you didn't steal some magical tribal burial head-dress and put it under some heinous fluorescent lighting for yappy tourists to photograph to death.

Which brings me to this guy.... the guy who found the Staffordshire Gold Hoard.

I thought that by now we would have found all the treasure that is out there. We've drained the Thames, we've sacrilegiously probed every ounce of the Pyramids.. how else are you supposed to find treasure these days??

With a fricken metal detector that's how. I always wanted a metal detector. I would have spent hours at the beach finding $2 coins, and crappy watch bands.. but it would have been enough for me. This guy goes around for 18 years (which by now you'd kinda hope he'd found more than just some brass teapots thrown in a ditch) with his metal detector, invoking his magical phrase:

"I have this phrase that I say sometimes; 'spirits of yesteryear take me where the coins appear', but on that day I changed coins to gold,"

Wow. It that all it takes? 18 years and some magic words? sheesh. give me time and I will have conquered all my dreams by the time I'm 50.