Saturday, December 04, 2010

Naked Vagine Party

People just don't care about anything at the gym. The gym is a world unto its own.. It's the one place where I am pretty much aiming to wear the worst outfit I can find. All of my gym clothes are one step away from being thrown in the bin. Some have even been put in the bin, and then rescued because "that garbage top would make a good gym top!"... When I go to the gym on weekends I don't even brush my teeth, brush my hair or wash my face, I roll out of bed into the worst clothes I own, and run on the treadmill looking like I slept in a ditch all night.

But seriously who cares?? No one cares at the gym. It's the one place on earth you can look absolutely disgusting and no one gives a second thought to it.

Not only that but peoples behaviour at the gym is specific only to the confines of the gym. Want to walk around naked whilst blow drying your hair in a room of strangers?? the gym. Want to stand in front of someone staring awkwardly into their eyes whilst squat thrusting in their direction? the gym.

And I don't know if it's just my gym where all the freaks go to, but there is something not quite right about the clientele.

EXAMPLE: the other night I was on the cross trainer and there is an area right in front of me where trainers do routines with people. I am always watching someone do a bunch of random moves but generally it is no more bothersome than having someone ride and pant and sweat next to you for 30 straight minutes. So this trainer and this woman start going through a stretchy yoga routine - to which I might add - yoga pants are an integral part of any stretching regime... as are underpants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So this woman is stretching and putting her legs over her head and generally doing as many 'queef' poses as she can about a meter from my face and all I can see are two flaps - hedged in and camel-toed into her yoga pants. Seriously lady, underpants are a big part of life, and maybe when you're pointing your vagina at the ceiling is one of those times.

I couldn't look away. There is something about spotting wild vagina that makes it impossible to look at anything else. Try as I might to distract myself in a good song, or god forbid, even watch the news, nothing could distract me from that strangers hump, twisting and writhing an arms length away.

She totally ruined my work out for me.

Then when you leave the floor of the gym, slipping over everyone's sweat puddles, and make it into the safety of locker room, it is seriously like a nature program of 'Naked Londoners Gone Wild'

If yoga pant vagine was too much for me, then the usual display of nakedness and tits being thrown around almost missing your face, and naked sweaty ladies sitting in front of your locker with no towel! (hygiene!) that was surely enough to almost turn me off Humans for life. It's just a flap fest like no other.

That is why I think it will be really interesting tonight at the Gym Christmas Party!!!

For serious, I could not think of a more awkward gathering of people, than the usual naked sweaty slobs I see every day and pretending they don't exist.

"Merry Christmas!! Sweaty Guy who runs in baggy orange pants in boxer shorts! Hope your ball sack recovers one day!"

"Happy New Year Moisturiser Lady, I hope you get a giant tub of that lotion you like to so slowly apply to every inch of your skin whilst stretching your limbs every which way in the change room"

All I can hope for is that my eyes don't accidentally meet the eyes of vagina yoga pants lady because that would truly be a dying inside moment. AH who am I kidding, I've never even seen her face.. but if she lays down and starts thrusting towards the ceiling in no undies.. I will be able to spot her in a crowded room a mile away.


Fen said...

HA HA HA I read this whilst at work and snorted loudly! Brilliant!

ursula said...

hHAHAHA! OH, this made me actually laugh out loud.
I can't believe some people and the lack of shame they have.