Saturday, December 25, 2010

I was robbed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh wait...

I was robbed, and it's all Starbucks' fault. Let me state first up that I fully intend to stop going on about Starbucks Eggnog, but it has been an entity that has taken up my life these past two months. The nightmare currently being that there is no Eggnogg mix anywhere at any of the starbucks' in London. They have run out. What a bunch of freakin monkeys - you only have eggnog once a year, is it too much to ask that you supply enough for the people who only drink at Starbucks 2 months a year to get their eggnog fix?? They have no eggnog in North London, East London, and now West London. I went to my trusty 'always has eggnog' starbucks this morning only to be told that they had literally just ran out... fuckers. Now what am I supposed to do?? I had to settle for a stupid festive Toffee Nut Latte, and let me tell you it was a festival let-down.

Nothing beats Nogg!!!!!!! Nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I went to the gym on my unwanted stupid Toffee Nut Caffeine High. Caffeine is probably the only drug in the world that I have an averse reaction to. I could be shooting up heroin right now and I would feel great - Caffeine however makes me feel sick, paranoid and clearly hallucinogenic. Which is why Eggnog is the only drink with coffee in it that I can drink, because I think the Eggnogg disguises the caffeine and makes it ok for me to drink... stupid No Nogg!

anyway - back to the story (screw you starbucks!! one last time)

So I'm at the gym, working out, sweating it up, listening to M.I.A pretending that I am a rap star and that I would give all my money to cure African Aids Babies if I ever made it..

"no no, I don't need the money - just save those AIDS babies.." and eventually I would be Rolling Stone Magazine 'Woman of the Year' for making fully sic music, but also curing Aids Babies.

I live this daydream in my head for my entire workout because if I'm not daydreaming something fantastical I can't stand a second on those stupid cross training machines. I secretly hate the gym.. but don't tell the gym that.

I finish my work out and go to get my stuff out of my locker, when I walk up to it, and I think "SHIT!! my padlock is missing!" I freak out and look around all the lockers around me, hoping that my stuff will miraculously appear if I open the same door 15 times.

Fuck. So I walk to reception and tell them that my locker was broken into and my stuff was stolen and that I've been robbed!!! On Christmas Eve!!! Robbed!!! Call Yo Police!!

After I am done having my robbery meltdown, a tiny voice in my head, the voice that has been in a caffeine headlock, the voice of reason quietly pipes up...

"perhaps you put your stuff in a different locker..... idiot"

Hmm perhaps indeed, so I go back to the scene of the crime, and cross over to the other side of the locker room where two naked ladies are shooting the shit with their junk all over the place. And I see my other regular locker.. with my padlock on it.

Fuckity Fuck Fuck.

I open it and yep, all my stuff is in there.. not stolen. There is only one thing to do - go back to reception and admit that I am a fucktard who has caffeine paranoia and caused a robbery scene for nothing...

Except that would be way too embarrassing so I just pretend that my stuff was taken out and rummaged through and dumped on the ground, and continue the charade of the robbery, which I have downgraded to a "Christmas prank"

"ha ha, those Christmas pranksters and their moving my jumper and ugg boots around!!"

I had to fill in a report and everything, making a big fuss over my stupid padlock that must have a skeleton key out there. No cops came luckily because I think I would have crumbled under the pressure and ended up admitting to being the Christmas Boob.

I blame starbucks for all this. No Nogg. Stupid Caffeine Drugging Toffee Nut, and Pretend Robbery.

At least I won't be able to show my face at the gym for another week.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 comments:

Penguin said...

That was hilarious! Good luck finding more nogg or you'll never be able to go to the gym again!

Amy said...

Awwwwww, that must have been so embarrassing for you but it was so funny to read!

I share your eggnog pain. I live in Coventry and all of the Starbucks up there have run out of eggnog too. Thankfully my boyfriend is a bit of a 'nogg freak, so he imported some from America and we make our own at home :-)

Nothing like an eggnoggy coffee on Christmas Morning...

Rach said...

imports hey....................... good idea! then I could have nogg alllll year round!!!! such a long wait till November.