I made a resolution. This month I would refrain from drinking, and eating bad things.
NOVEMBER 2nd: the test of my willpower
"would you like a drink"
"no I'm not drinking this month"
"yeah.. so just one glass then"
2 glasses later... 2 beers later.
It is midnight and I am starving and, my options are the following: starve, or Dirty Bird. Obviously with the alcohol running through my veins going home to a bowl of over ripe plums and a can of expired tuna isn't going to cut it. Dirty Bird it is.
No amount of showering can remove how dirty I feel about this lapse in resolution judgment.
NOVEMBER 3rd: having fallen off the wagon so completely and immediately, I resolved to be a stronger better person from this day forward.
Lunchtime rolls around the caterer has gone to town.. I do the smart thing and have a small piece of chicken and lots of brown rice, that'll show you.. brain... think you're so smart. I completely avoid the giant tantalising cheesecake that is beckoning me from the end of the table, bathed in golden sunlight like a beam of Jesus.
There was no way I was going anywhere near that cheesecake.
"have you had the cheesecake? it is the best cheesecake I have ever had? have you seen that episode of friends where they eat the cheesecake off the ground? this is that type of cheesecake."
Well yes I have seen that episode. I love that episode. That episode makes me want to eat cheesecake off the floor, I have spent many years looking for floor eating cheesecake. What am I doing sitting down here like a chump whilst we have cheesecake that good upstairs!! I would have to be an idiot to turn down this kind of lifetime achievement tv moment cheesecake.
So I ate the cheesecake.. and some rhubarb cake.. and a wheel of cheese for good measure.
but starting tomorrow I am not eating anything bad!!!!!!!! Although if someone discovers a giant Wonka lake made of chocolate near my work I can't be held responsible if I go swimming in that and drink my lungs full of the good stuff.. and if someone finds one of those edible china cups that Wonka drinks out of, i'd like to eat one of those too.