Last night me and my friend Wood decided we would hook up in real life and see if we could either be friends, or at the very least mortal enemies. Luckily - we liked each other, but it would have been fun to have a nemesis.
We decided to go to a bar and typically - there were no seats, so we meandered downstairs where there were an abundance of tables.. an almost too good to be true amount of tables. Then the guy in the suit and clipboard sashayed over to us and that's when we realised that these tables were not meant for us. But that is nothing that a bit of lying can't solve.
Were we here for the party? Yes
Were our names on the list? Yes
What are our names? Errrrrrrrrr?? well they might not be on there because we RSVP'd really late.
Clipboard Guy said he printed the list out at 5pm, so we said we RSVP'd after that. Sucker. For some reason he believed us and Hola! Table.
But that wasn't the last bit of lying we'd have to do to prove our worthiness of their stupid party that we knew nothing about for the night though. We didn't even know what the party was for, but there was free champagne and nachos and disgusting frozen yogurt, so that is good enough for me.
There were also Whores. Lots and Lots of Whores. Whores in mesh catsuits with bikinis underneath, whores with mandarin shaped tits and stripper gloves, whores in lace, we were the most dressed non-whores in the room.
"Wow! This is gonna be some great party! Look at all the Whores!"
Unfortunately, it wasn't going to be that type of party.. There were lame pamphlets related to skiing and helicopter ranches, and this is when the main Whore came over to us and asked us in a roundabout way "what the hell are you two doing at my party"
It was really hard to answer, because her 50 year old fake mandarin boobs were 20cm from my face the whole time, but I came up with some suitable sounding lies and we fooled her! HAHA! Yes we fooled the whoriest whore who runs a helicopter ranch.... and also a Cerebral Palsy Fundraiser.
Yeah we crashed a Cerebral Palsy Fundraiser.
On the one hand, I felt bad because I couldn't afford to buy their expensive raffle tickets.. but on the other hand I didn't really want to win a week at some guys Spanish Ranch staying with his parents. So we just eyed every available nachos in the room and ate our fill then left in a swish of whore outfit confusion and not belonging.
That was some good free soggy nachos though!
Personally, I think they should have dressed up as whorey zombies, because that at least would have been slightly relevant.
"BRAAAAAAAAAAAINS... BROKEN BRAAAAAAAAAAINS"
yep. goin to hell.