Friday, September 24, 2010

The Chicken Pox Incident

A lot of times, I look back at my childhood and think to myself "what the fuck were my parents thinking??" the Chicken Pox Incident is one of those times.

When I was around 8/9 I got the chicken pox, just like every other kid my age at that time. I remember being an itchy rank mess, having baths of calamine lotion and picking my scabs in the dark. I was one pathetic lonely loser at home alone with no siblings and my toys and constant itchiness.

Then one of my parents had a brainwave.... What if we hire a red sportscar and drive to Newcastle!?!?!!

Yeah why not!!!


Umm how about because I'm really itchy and I want to be naked in the bath covered in calamine lotion, not clothed and sitting in the backseat of the car for 4 hours. pfffffffffff. But hey, i'm 9, do you think my opinions matter?? of course not, I am just a stupid itchy kid.

Did they think driving around in a red car was some sort of 'pick me up' ?? did I ever once display a penchant for cars?? Maybe if we were driving to the Care Bear Factory I might have cared, but getting in a red sportscar for the sake that it is a red sportscar does nothing for me.

In the car we go.. and I have to sit in the backseat the whole time. How fun for me!!!!!!!!! And we drive to Newcastle, which under normal circumstances sucks balls and is boring, but being an itchy mess does nothing to improve the situation.

So we drive there. And it is horrible.

Then we arrive at our destination, I am told to go into the backyard and play with the kids on the trampoline. Except I am infected with chicken pox and have calamine lotion scabs all over my face and body, and no one wants to play with me. And they are forced to sit on the trampoline with me, but no jumping! because jumping would be fun, and they don't want to have any fun with me because one of my chicken pox scabs might get loose and infect them too...



Now in my age and wisdom I can see that maybe that was the point of the whole trip, to infect these other kids with my germs so they too could have the Pox in their childhoods, because otherwise the pox gets into your brain as an adult and you turn into a zombie paraplegic (or so i've heard)

so basically in order to make sense of the most futile outing in existence, I have come up with the idea that when I had the Pox, my parents called their friends with kids to see who needed their kids to also have the pox, and we would drive there as quickly as possible in our rented sportscar (so the germs don't get away) and then make us all play together in the backyard of awkwardness.

So not worth it!... (for me)

To this day I hate red sportscars and trampolines, it just brings up feelings of itchiness and rejection.

Can't wait to have my own kid and fuck it up in weird and wonderful ways.

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