Monday, June 07, 2010


I think it's just a universal truth that you will always have freaky freakshow neighbours. No matter where you are, no matter if you move to the other side of the globe the freakshow will always live right next door to you... or in my case right above.

During the five years at my previous home I had a slew of annoying neighbours who tested the boundaries of my sanity.. the Screamy Screamersons: who would lock their toddler outside the apartment to scream in the stairs all morning from 6am. That was fun. And then the Terrorist Weirdo who would go through the garbage and kick cans around and yell at Leprechauns and Tigers at 3am... oh and the schizophrenic weirdo who would hide behind the mailboxes and creep around the building in a nightie (at all times of the day).. for awhile there I thought it was just my apartment block and that all the freaks with mental illness magnetised themselves to it. But then I moved to London and realised it's not the apartment block that is the freak magnet - it is me.

When we moved into our Ladbroke Grove apartment we met our neighbour who I shall call "stompy stomperson", we had a nice chat in our communal staircase, she was really happy a nice couple had moved in and it would be a nice change to the guy who lived there before us who never spoke a word to her in the hallways, effectively giving her the big Snub Off.

6 Months later and I am jumping onto the Snub Off bandwagon, headed to Fuck You Stompy Stomperson: Population 1.

Our building is old... like built in the 1800' thin floors.... at first my biggest concern was poltergeists and dead bodies buried in the foundation and the ghosts of world wars/poverty and fire moving my shit around in the night and hovering over my head as I slept with one eye open.
All this poltergeist worry was un-necessary as they would have moved along years ago to a much quieter apartment as Stompy's stomping around upstairs would have peeved them off long before I arrived.

I'm not sure what she does for a living but as soon as you crawl into bed around 11ish, and settle your head on your pillow a huge thump will jolt you out of bed because it sounds like Stompy just stage dived off her bed onto the woodfloor.

She stagedives, she drops giant things on the ground.. it sounds like she re-arranges the furniture in her bedroom every single night... there is no normal reason for so much furniture being dragged around every single night. DRAAAAAAG THUMP. STOMP STOMP. CRASH. THUD.

For these reasons, I don't speak to her in the hallways anymore either. This is also exacerbated by the fact that she is a freak who purposely turns on the light on in the hallway so it shines through to our bedroom.. we spoke to her about it, and she was like "oh yeah your lightswitch is broken, sometimes I have to come down at night to stick a knife into the socket to turn it off.. so if you ever see me through your peephole wielding a knife at your door i'm just turning the light off"

HA! That was the final straw for me and my blanking her, for one: don't stick knives into my light socket, second don't wield knives in my doorway, and thirdly don't lie about wielding knives to turn the lightswitch off because we now have to check the lightswitch is off before we go to bed only to find that she has purposely turned it on at 3 in the morning !!!!!! freak.

So basically if you have a serious mental illness, there are some apartment availabilities in my block and i'd like to welcome you to the neighborhood.


sharnee said...

hahaha! you seem to be quite unlucky with the neighbours! (I once had one in Japan who sounded like she was bouncing golfballs off the floor all night - I'm *certain* that's what she was doing, sounded just like it). HEY IS LENNY PACKED YET? God Speed Lenny, God Speed!

suze2000 said...

Argh! The noisy upstairs neighbour! We had Brazilians upstairs from us who thought it was cool to come home from their bar jobs at 2am in the morning and party with random punters they'd picked up. Needless to say, they copped a LOT of abuse through the intercom security system. We moved out because of them. I still have a hate-on for all South Americans now.

Why not just put some tape over the lightswitch to prevent its use?

Rach said...

maybe i should stick a thumbtack with AIDS to the switch.. that'll learn em
except when i come home late one night and put it on and slash my finger open... good plan tho.