Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dr Love

I am in one of those relationships where you are 'better' as a couple.. I don't think half the people who hang out with me would choose to hang out with me if it weren't for the fact that me and mark make a good couple. You know - those couples that compliment each other, two halves of the same pie.. unfortunately on my own I am just a badly cooked potato and leak quiche.. and nobody likes that... We often get "oh you guys are the best couple! that's what all couples should be like".. sure? if two idiots making fun of each other like brother and sister is what your idea of love is?? (mine is) Anyway - being that I am nothing but a week old leak quiche, I want to impart my wisdom onto the world regarding love and finding that everlasting gobstopper of the heart.

One of my friends is heartbroken. and that makes me mad. if it was up to me I would drive around to his house (which in itself would be punishment enough, seen as how I am the worlds shittiest driver and would probably crash through the foundations and wreck his house.. "yeah that's what you get for breaking my friends heart.. douchbag.. nice walls..NOT")

These are my love tips..

Be like a spore on the wall, to become the mould in his heart....... by this I mean CONSTANT VIGILANCE.. do you think you'll ever get into a guys pants if you aren't planted deeply in his subconscious?? Always be lurking around.. It's a good idea to just be seen flitting past his peripheral vision (looking super sexy) you don't even have to speak, just a well timed brisk walk past and eye contact is all that is needed. Maintain this act for 4 years and you're bound to get in there eventually.

Hook up with one of his mates: If you don't hook up with a mate of his - how else will he know how desirable you are? Treat this like a well timed PR exercise, it is a good idea to work up some good word of mouth, by hookin up with someone he knows. Having a friend of his worship you is always good in getting the idea of love into his head at an early stage.

When you do go out on a date, never invite him inside afterwards. That's just an invitation for sex and nothing else. Best to avoid all that stuff and go to the movies to watch unsexy cartoons. Do this for about a year..

Sexy Lingerie is stupid - wearing his underpants and a business shirt around the house is much better, and more fun.

Always be the one to fart first - preferably on the 2nd day of your relationship, will make things much easier in the long run.

So by following these love rules you should end up with someone that you can spend the rest of your life with, and remember, if you aren't happy everyday, then you need to kick that douche to the curb.

Use at your own risk. You might pick up a few stalkers along the way, but that is to be expected.

Dr Love.


Becky said...

The sexy lingerie and farting advice are the favourite on this list. It's best to get their image of you being very ladylike out of their head as soon as possible if you want to relationship to go anywhere lol.

Sarah said...

I love the farting one. Reckon you should write a book!