Friday, November 27, 2009

Whinging around the World

I really don't understand why they are referred to as 'whinging poms', I've been whinging my ass off in Sydney for years.

People warn you that the tube is full of angry whinging poms, isn't every form of public transport rife with whinging people? I've been whinging for years. It didn't take moving to London and catching the tube to find my inner whiner.

Nothing is more annoying - no matter where you are, than people who don't move down the carriage - be it the tube, the 333 to bondi, or the manly ferry. People are annoying and slow all over the world. Pom's really have a bad racket goin on.

I don't even know they call them Pom's, considering POM means Prisoner of Mother England, and wouldn't that be like.. the Australian's?? considering their wily convict ways?? I find it hard to believe that the Londoner's shipped to Australia in chains forced to build roads didn't whinge about it..

That said, I would like to complain about the following things:

Tasteless Chips: you know when you buy a packet of chips and two of the ingredients are Chedder Cheese and Onions.. wouldn't you expect the flavour to be quite robust?? not so Kettle Chips, not so.. So I got online to complain about the lack of cheese on my oily potato chip, and their response is to send the offensive packet of chips back for analysis.. pfft what packet?? sure they sucked but we still ate the whole bag... who has time to find an envelope big enough for a packet of chips??? come on.. screw you kettle chips and your wimpy non-existent flavour.

When Twilight creeps up on you: when I first tried to read Twilight because of the hype about how great it was, I threw the book across the room and peed on it, because it was so preachy and read-between-the-lines 'don't have sex... ever' Mormon stance. But... when I watched the movie I didn't hate it per se.. then I saw New Moon and read the book whilst I had nothing to do, and I actually realllly liked it.. Who am I??? I don't know who I am anymore, specially seen as how I walked into the Islington Library and borrowed "blood rivals" the biographies of Taylor Lautner & Robert Pattinson.. (note: not much to write about, given they are about 12 years old)... Taylor was born.. went to primary school, and is now in the Twilight series... oooh Mary Kay Letournou I feel your pain.

Anyway, enough whinging, I really have nothing bad to say about London. They're all angry on the tube, but so am I .. and when someone severs your toe from standing on it in their 9 inch heels, they do say sorry... and if you are ever really thirsty you know you could just walk into a Foxtons office and pretend to look for rental listings and drink all the free coke you want. These are the true signs of a civilised society.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Rock the Casbah

This week rates up there with one of Good Ones.

It's alllllllllll coming to plan.

I've been spending my days working at a very high end Talent Agency in swinging London. Clients include: Joseph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, Jeremy Irons, Helen Mirren, Anna Friel, Tim Curry!! (antici..pation) and sooo many others, The Haitian from Heroes! Suresh from Heroes! Soo many cool people to stalk.

First up, I was sorting the fan mail, and hence: got some good stalking info, for instance, do you know Emily Blunts home address? I do.. Do you know Helen Mirren's email??? I got it.

Joseph Fiennes came into the office, however no autographs allowed, I would a need spy brooch to take some sneaky photos, should be fine given that M16 and Scotland yard is just down the road, there would be tonnes of places selling dodgy WWII spy gear.

So. Awesome.

We have a home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In Notting Hill! Well Ladbroke Grove, which is on the peripheral of The Hill, where The Clash came from. Our place is one street away from Portobello Road, so that means lots of fruit & veg markets, and lots of antiquey crap.

ZING!!!!!!!!!!

Also, last night I saw New Moon, and I personally have never been into Twilight, but I do like the thought of Taylor Lautner shirtless, and this movie certainly delivered. Shirtlessness so much shirtlessness! Taylor must have had in his contract "must be allergic to clothes".. so awesome. If I was 16 years old, id be spending all day today at home in bed pleasuring myself to thoughts about Taylor and his teenagery wolfman hotness.

It's Cougar Time!!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

My Russell Brand Moment

There is always a lot of things happening in London, places to eat, exhibitions to see, and live entertainment to spectate. Unfortunately, we haven't done any of those things. I've been here 10 days and all our time is spent looking for apartments - which in itself is pretty fun, as the Real Estate places chauffeur you around in cute little black Mini's showing you a buffet of places according to your specifications, and you get free drinks! So we've seen a lot of areas of London and have narrowed down our fav spots to live in (Ladbroke Grove/Angel) BUT we haven't really done anything yet.

YET!! Today however the dry spell has broken.

Being that I am obvs a huuuge fan of Russell Brand, I am in the know of his whereabouts at all times, and thankfully the stars have aligned to put me and Russell in London and the Scandalous DVD debut and Q&A at the HMV on Oxford Circus.

I got my wristband. I got my DVD. I stood in the group and watched Russell do his thing. Then there was a lot of waiting around before I got to go up for some body on body touching.

As you can clearly see - Russell is giving me the "helloooo" eyebrows.

The only problem with fan meet and greets, where they are signing things - is that it's impersonal, reeks of an assembly line and is empty and void of any real emotion, and you know the person you're there to see is only there out of obligation to a merchandising contract. But you know what?? if I was in Russell's shoes I would feel exactly the same... bunch of randoms coming up to hug you and make you sign things.. he was definitely in a Post-Signing-Haze by the time I got to him.

He did go in for the hug first though.. But then his eyes kinda glazed over whilst he did the repetitive "yeahh thanks for comin out, where you from? oh that's lovely that is, how do you spell your name? thanks so much"

So essentially the words I said to Russell were:
Hi
Sydney.. I saw you at the Hordern Pavillion
E.L


But still.. 10 more words than before today... next time I can only hope that we meet in a bar and we can talk more important topics, like what he would name his next cat, could he sign my London A-Z, can I sit on your lap(face)?

Friday, November 13, 2009

A Post for Epileptic Dogs

When I was really into Rock of Love, I remember there being a challenge where Megan Hauserman wanted to raise money for her charity for Epileptic Dogs, and everyone rolled their eyes like "sif there is such a thing as epileptic dogs"

Then Flight of the Conchords came out with their track 'A Song for Epileptic Dogs' and once again, eyes were rolled because HA! that's a hilarious song, but you know.. sif dogs with epilepsy actually exist...

Yet I have now seen first hand an Epileptic Dog and the heart breaking scene that is an Epileptic Dog Fit.

We are currently dog sitting an epileptic dog in London and it is the saaadest thing ever to see an epileptic dog having a fit. At first I thought he was just unable to stand up properly on the wood floor until I realised OMG this dog is having a fit right in front of me. I put him in my arms and sang calming Dido lyrics until the fit ended (not really, but next time.. for sure)

So sad. The only real thing you can do for an epileptic dog is use a Valium medication that unfortunately is rectally administered, and I'm sure the last thing a dog having a seizure wants is a tube shoved up its bum.

Poor baby. I am such an animal lover that 8 days into my dog sitting period, he is already my Lenny patch, and I would quite happily walk around with him strapped to my chest in a baby harness, sporting a shirt "I Heart Epileptic Dogs" shaking a can collecting money "spare a penny for epileptic dogs??"

Good Luck to the owners coming back to claim him.

KNOCK KNOCK
"we're here to pick Zeke up"
"No babies here!!" SLAM.. (takes out restraining order against said owners)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

First Week

So upon arrival in the UK, my new home as it were, I was a bit worried i'd be suffering from Post Partum Depression - ie: giving birth to this brand new life and not being able to bond with it. Luckily, London is a very cool city so I was worrying for nothing.. Had I moved to somewhere rubbish i'm sure I would have felt different (zone 6..)

Luckily we are living in Zone 2, in Finsbury Park (land of mosques and Muslims) - where luckily we have a room to stay in and aren't some burdensome lump on the couch in someones loungeroom. Much easier to be a burdensome lump with your own door. Plus it's only 11 mins on the tube to Oxford Circus, so you can deal with the roughness of the area if you run really quickly past the Mostaqbal (terrorist supermarket) to the tube station.

So far this week has been about finding a suburb we want to live in, so we have been going around to real estate agents in all sorts of areas, so far our favourite is Angel, but today we are looking around Notting Hill - it is a classic war of East vs West.

I have applied for about 40 jobs, so hopefully over the coming weeks I will have some interviews to attend, and can start earning pounds so I can go shopping!!!!!!! I haven't brought anything yet, as I am still yet to receive a suitcase of clothes I shipped over here, but there is soooo much good stuff that I need.want.

On the plus side, I have had a taste of Fruli, and the delicious snacks from Waitrose.

There are Christmas lights everywhere, which is actually cool for once, as Pitt St just doesn't quite get it right. Christmas makes sense in the Northern Hemisphere -icicles, snow, reindeer's -not prawns, pool toys and SPF 30.

1 week down. 5 years to go.

I'm gonna be a millionaire .. idea #17363

Ok, so you know how a lot of amazing things come to people whilst they are sleeping? ie: lyrics to great songs/inventions... well I had a dream about a new appliance that is going to change the world...

I call it... The BACON MAKER

Essentially: picture a machine that is a hybrid juicer/microwave contraption... uncooked bacon goes into a slot (like an ATM) and then you set your Bacon Maker to how you want your bacon (well cooked/crispy as hell) and then BING comes out the other end perfecto.

Is this genius or what?? The Westinghouse Bacon Maker is gonna make me a millionaire.

If only it was the 60's when people had really useless giant appliances in their kitchens.

Is Demtel Hiring??

Thursday, November 05, 2009

London iiiiyt

So. I live in London now.
That is bizarre. It's like saying.. "ok, i'm a zebra now"

It was very sad leaving home and all my friends and Lenman. I should have brought a blanket with all his hair all over it that I could roll around in when I am feeling pangs of missing him. (the pangs are palpable)

The day after I left home it was 39 degrees. When I arrived it was 9.

One thing that I am still getting used to is stupid Fahrenheit. Why do we have Fahrenheit? It's like one of those crap Zimbabwean currencies that make no sense.. how can it be cold if it is 29 degrees outside? Screw You Fahrenheit Barometer.

I am yet to start exploring the city, but today I will buy the one thing that I came here for: a container of Waitrose Cornflake Clusters.

Even though I brought 2 bags of clothes with me, I am still walking around the High St shops going "want it.. want it.. need it" to all the great stuff in the windows. A girl can never have enough hats & scarves.

Tonight I'm going to see a Guy Fawkes Fireworks thing on the Thames, which is quite bizarre - as you wouldn't think a country would have a fireworks celebration night themed around a guy who tried to blow up Parliament?? I doubt we'll ever see Al-Queda Fireworks Night in NYC.

Bizarre-O-World. Population = 1.