Friday, October 30, 2009

3 Nights

Moving House is sooooooooo much fun!! NOT. This is my life right now:

Wake up.
Walk back to apartment.
Walk around with a bucket and rag scrubbing at any marks that I spot on the walls, although at this point i'd have to say that the marks on the walls are 80% imaginary, and 20% mangled huntsman guts from when we squish them against the wall with the mop (die scum)

Lenny, did not take the move well. When he went to his new house for the next 6 months, he had what I would refer to as a 'minor breakdown'... as in: That cat has rabies and needs to be put down... he was going to kill me I swear. I had to hide behind the couch for hours whilst he swiped and hissed at me, and sleep with one eye open, lest he try to disembowel me in the night. Poor Man... I dont know what he's complaining about - he has a lovely balcony to sun himself on, and i'm going to be freezing my tits off in 5 days time. (I hear men like the nipply look, so thats one bonus) He came around luckily, and has been sleeping in my armpit everynight, getting as much love as he can before we are seperated by the oceans of time. (damn you quarantine!!! sif my cat has any diseases...except for his violent rages)

My blue couch cushions that we threw out 2 years ago have made a last ditch effort to try and come to London with us, last time they brought a picnic blanket with them which we were not intersted in, so this time they came back with a crusty old beer refrigerator... it was very thoughtful but not something I really need to pack on a move to London, so they were once again shunned in the street and disappeared. Who know what they will show up with next.

The crazy lady downstairs has been really crazy. She keeps going through our garbage that we are throwing out into the council clean up, and putting it back inside the apartment. Which would be fine, except our body corporate calls us and is all "whats with the shit outside the apartment" damn you insanity woman... she also tricked me into carrying about 10 terracotta pots around for her, but that is another story.. a story about a mental lady and her wily ways.

Well, after all that, I'm kinda ready to leave. My house is empty and it's no fun sitting around on the floor waiting for movers, cleaners, real estate peeps. For one - I have cleaned the toilet to a saintly cleanliness, so when I need to poop I have to weigh the options of pooing in a plastic bag and hanging my bum out the window.. or just dropping a duce for the final time... unfortunately the burly moving men duced me up before I had a chance and I had to scrub it back to a germ free zone.

In excellent news - Russell Brand is doing a DVD signing of his show 'Scandalous' which I saw at the Hordern earlier this year. So I am going to go along to that in my first week in London to Oxford Circus with my things to sign, and when I say things, I mean my breasts. Down with Katy Perry.

Goodbye Sydney. My next post will be in London.
Goodbye fare harbour with your amber shades of grey. My home is girt by huntsmans.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Fermals & Furballs

Things I'm Gonna Do in London, no matter how lame they sound.

* Stalk Russell Brand - apparently he lives in Hampstead Heath, how big can that be? I think my first few weeks will be spent hiding in bushes with binoculars looking for men in tight leather pants to bad touch.

*If i'm gonna be hangin in the heath I better dress Heath. I've noticed that anything goes in London. So I am going to dress myself the way I imagine radioactive blind insane monkeys would. Thermals and a Wetsuit, spruced up with a nice hat.

*talk london. i'm not sure which dialect I should be aiming for here, but I'm going to first try out a bit of ye olde cockney - this will go down a treat when I am doing the dodgy sight-seeing at first, then onto poshy snob british, then I might do a bit of 'got no teef' london talk.

* lose my nose septum.

*grow my armpit hair nice and long for extra warmth

oooh yeah. 6 days.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Moving to London, a dramatic reading

Pack Pack Pack and store things away
I wont take my DVD's
I'll watch you again one day.

Guitar, Sewing Machine, a Care Bear and an Amp,
These things I don't need anymore.
Would you like to buy my lamp?

Scrub the roof, Scrub the walls, Clean the drain of my Hair
I've never cleaned so much before.
How did mould get up there?

Going Sunday, Going Thursday, Going Monday, Going When?
I'll change my ticket a million times,
I'm having a farwell at the Rocks, i'll see you all then.

Lenny! You are my best friend
at the moment we are attached at the hip
Together till the end.

I'd honestly rather spend my last weeks hanging out all day
With my cat inside watching The Hills
April is only 5 months away.

I really hope that moving to London will be heaven
I don't want to hear how you hated it over there
Sif you would live in Zone Seven

At the moment i'm standing on a ledge, thats golden with shine
I'll jump into the darkness
To see what lurks behind.

Monday, October 05, 2009

It's time to go.... Crap

You know when you move house, you do a bit of spring cleaning, and throw out a huge pile of junk that you don't remember collecting but has somehow grown to fill 3 rooms worth over time?? well moving overseas is a lot like that, but a lot more ruthless.

When I move house for instance, I still traipse around with my sentimental junk, because no matter where I live, I know there will be some cupboard that I can store that crap in, never to see the light of day, until the next move when I open the box again and can't bring myself to throw the junk out once and for all.

However, being that I am relocating roughly 17,000km's from home, and my stuff has to be shipped/stored/destroyed, there are a loooot of menial decisions to make about a lot of garbage I have carried around with me for the past 29 years with my preverbial bag lady baggage in my cupboard of shame.

However first things first - we sold the car. We sold it within 2 days of posting the ad?!? wtf!! things are happening sooo quickly, its like the universe is saying "geettt oooout" like the Amityville House. Are my walls bleeding and talking to me? kinda. Sydney wants us gone.

Seeing the car go was a bit sad, it was one great car. We had excellent times (driving it on our honeymoon) and bad times (driving it into a parked car.... heyyy it came out of nowhere OK!) But now Herme has gone to a new home, and we have to walk around like homeless bums to the shops. Luckily Herme was brought by some rich guy in Mosman who brought the car for his daughter for her Uni Graduation (disgusting.. rich people disgust me) I love living in a rich neighbourhood. We get to reap all the benefits of their blase richness when they buy our cars on a whim (full price. no negotiations)

One thing down.. A billion more to go. I mean a car is easy. How do you decide on the worthiness of holding onto something that has no real value to anyone else, but you can't bring yourself to get rid of?? Ie: my rollerskates.

I've been holding onto these skates for at least............ 15 years. Which makes no sense really given that there are no such things as rollerskating rinks anymore.. (no cool ones anyway with sarsparilla/80's music and disco balls) But these skates are a symbol of my love of skating, that I used to spend every available school holiday opportunity at a skating rink, that I thought that one day I would grow up to be a rollerskating champion.... then when I got a little older I wore them to every 18th birthday party I went to dressed as Rollergirl..

But do I really need these skates???? would I pay $12 per KG to ship to London? can I really envisage myself rollerskating around Oxford Circus?? about the only place I could ever wear these skates is if I lived in Vondelpark.

So they're going.. I hope whoever gets them realises they are taking a part of my childhood dreams and maybe uses them once or twice to roll down their driveway, and they can spend some more time stored in a plastic bag living underneath the bed to keep the monsters away.