Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Frank Grimey Grimes

You know, even though when I move to London I will have live with the rain and cold (to be honest, I couldnt care less about this - I live for jacket and boot weather) but at least moving over there I won't have to deal with this:
This is Military Road in Mosman this morning.. Apocalypse... Armageddon.... the surface of Mars?? No just a mega dust cloud that covered the whole city.

If that wasn't bad enough - the dust permeated all through the apartment. Red dust on everything!!!!!!!!!! I had to spend about 4 hours cleaning up surfaces and vaccuming everything to get the red crunt of all our belongings.

At least I know when I move to London I won't ever wake up and feel like Frank Grimes with a film of red dust on everything I touch.

I'll just be cold and mouldy instead. Can't Wait !

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Streetcar will kill ya

You're a dame and i'm a fella.... Stanely stop or i'll tell Stella!
All I want is one embrace... i'll twist this bottle in your face!

Can't you hear me yell-a
You're puttin me through hell-a
Stella..... STELLA!!!!!!!!!!

If there is one thing you can't fault The Simpsons for, is being tapped into all areas of modern culture. And thankfully, due to my couch potato ways I was well versed into today's performance of 'Streetcar Named Desire' at the Sydney Theatre Company.

I have been eagerly anticipating today's show considering I brought the tickets 10 Months ago, and it truly delivered on all my expectations.

The three lead's -Cate, Joel and Robin were fantastic. You just can't go wrong with a cast like that and the works of Tennessee Williams.

Cate Blanchett was captivating, beautiful, funny, and ethereal in her performance. She truly conveyed the sadness and wretched state of mind that is the script's pivotal character, Blanche Dubois.

Robin McLeavy definitely held her own against Cate, and once again I was truly impressed by her performance.. big things.. I forsee big things in her future (says me with my shawl, scented candles and captain obvious crystal ball)

Joel Edgerton was............ hot. I saw him arriving at the theatre when I was loitering around on the street, and saw this hunky, sweaty, tanned man walking towards me.. it took awhile when I cleaned the drool off myself to realise that it was infact the leading man - Joel Edgerton. I really had to applaud the direction of this play, as there were so many gratuitious shirtless scenes with Joel it seemed like an insider joke after the 14th time. But, his manly tanned pecs and arm muscles aside - he was also incredibly good. He should win the Hot/Shirtless and Good Acting Award 2009.

However the thing that makes this a great show, isn't the fact that it is sold out, that the material is superb, the killer cast.... it's the fact that all these things combined could actually kill a person.. maybe it's just so good it should be illegal. When the show was in previews when it first opened, Cate was bashed in the face with a rogue prop when it slipped out of Joels tanned, sweaty, muscly, wet, manly hands and conked her in the head, being the trooper that she is, she continued the scene until she realised she had some brain leaking out (you can't fault the professionalism).

In today's performance, some old geezer at the back thought the show as so good they actually had a fit! As in; gonna die, having a seizure fit.. luckily there was a doctor in the house (sif that ever really happens!?!) and they jumped over the chairs to stop this person swallowing their tongue and dying right there in the theatre. Needless to say there was a lot of commotion. But Robin and Cate never broke their stride, they know the risks. If you're going to be as red hot as they are on stage, the tickets need to come with a warning.

Warning: Watch at your own risk. This Performance might be so f*#cking good that you could die.

HAZCHEM.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

London Population: + 3 (including the cat)

So, my big news of the week is that my UK Visa has been approved so we are moving to London.. within the next couple of months. EEEEEEeshk!!!

Harking Back: when we were in London we were loving it so much because it's such an awesome, big city with pubs/clubs/fashion/bands/the vibe, and to be honest. - I really enjoy catching The Tube, so we organised some meetings and within our 3rd week of being there we had 2 job offers in the bag. Thank god all that standing around on corners in Soho paid off.

However the one thing we didn't have was a visa to actually get into the country and work, so within our first week of being back we put together a really anal folder with birth certificates/marriage certificates, any type of certificate we could get our hands on (my shotput ribbon from 6th grade??) and went to the British Consulate for an eyeball and fingerprint scan, and hoped that that shoplifting fiasco from year 3 wasn't on my permanent record, and that Mark hadn't raped anyone and not told me about it...

We had heard all sorts of stories about visa applications taking forever, 3 months, a year... so it was a huge surprise to us when we got our letter of approval 3 days after we sent it off.
3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had 3 months in my head. So now I am looking at all the crap that is in my apartment and mentally chucking/storing/packing.. I gave 3 bags of clothes to goodwill already, and have been eyeing off all sorts of rubbish that I have accumulated over the years to put into the bin.

Lenny has already been to the vet to get the process of his Pet Passport happening, so now it's just a matter of packing our crap, telling Fuckwit Fenwick that we are moving out (that will be bittersweet) and buying our One Way Tickets to London Baby Yeahhhh.

Can't wait to be living it up in Zone 2 (sif we can afford Zone 1) drinking Fruli on a regular basis, and being able to see bands that would never come to Sydney because they think it is too far away (yes you Madonna), and catching planes to European destinations that take 45 minutes for $17.
At least I will be there by Christmas so I will be able to step off the plane and into some hardcore London weather. Note to self: get a muth'ucking warm jacket.
Sooooooooooo exciting!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Diary, I am 12

I've been culling through the hordes of crap in my spare room, one thing in particular is my picnic basket where I keep all my old journals dating back to 1992.. they are HILARIOUS!! omg I was and still am such. a. loser.. but i would still be friends with me.

check it:

July 1992 - at a time where I was obsessed with Edward Furlong

I love Edward Furlong so much it's unbelievable. I'd like to meet him but I don't know where he lives. But I have an idea on how to.
1. go to the post office and ask where to post a letter to him then follow the postman to his house. But I dont want to write a letter and I don't want to send a photo as I look nothing like Jodie Foster. And i'm not 15 yet.
Even back then I had the good stalking senses.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Word on the Street: My Street

so i'm back in sydney, it's decidedly sydney-ish, in that there are no old town squares and no 400 year old churches and basically nothing Prague about the place. But that is ok because we have a nice harbour and I was thoroughly enjoying it on my ferry trip into the city on my first week back. I have seen stingrays and octopus' in that shit so that is one thing that our harbour has over the fantastic wonderland that is Europe.

Aside from our stingrays and octopus life has unfolded like this:

So in my first week back I was offered a job, which is awesome - the condition being that I read 'The Secret' so I have been doing so and 'visualising' all the things I want, let's see if I can materialise some lipgloss/pencil skirts out of thin air like the book says.

I also got completely into The Hills whilst I was away, however for some ghey reason the channel it was on over there wasn't playing them in chronological order, so one second Lauren's with Brody, then she's with Jason, and living with Heidi, then they are bitter enemies. It was confusing and no amount of wikipedia could sort out that situation, so I have been on a regime of serious Hills Watching Marathon.. I am going to use my 'secret' skills to materialise myself a job at Teen Vogue for shiz (the People's Republic I don't care for - that lady who runs it seems like a crazy woman)

And that's about it.. Lenny didn't do a giant Anger Poo on a powerboard like he did last time we got back from holidays so that was a nice change.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Streetcar

One of the perks of my old job was an insider knowledge of the theatre world, and thusly I have two tickets to A Streetcar Named Desire, playing at the Sydney Theatre Company, starring Cate Blanchett & Joel Edgerton.

You know what gets on my goat though, how noone ever writes about Robin McLeavy also being in this production.

Hello! there are 3 intergral characters in this main cast!!!!!!

I first saw Robin in another STC production of The Great, and I knew after seeing her in that, that she was going to be Mega. A Megastar. I'm sure Streetcar will be the platform that sends her career into the stratosphere and she'll be a familiar figure walking down the Oscars carpet in a few short years.

Joel Shmoel. I brought tickets to see Robin & Cate.

Next Weekend!! Can't wait.

Friday, September 11, 2009

That's HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know how in Sex and the City, Samantha is always joking about how she's fucked everybody in New York and some people in New Jersey... well she's pretty much right on target about fucking everybody.

"Why dont you act like..... you fucked Samantha"

THAT'S IT!!!!!

This is the The Guy

He also plays Lex Luthor, Blair Waldorf's dad, and lots of 'Guy in Suit' type roles..

Arhhhhh. Now I can sleep again.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Leather Apron: aka gheyest Ripper Name Yet

On our last night in London, we decided being the gangstas that we are that we would go out in style, do something really London.. so booked a Jack the Ripper Tour, then would go for a curry in Brick Lane.

Well we did the curry, but we walked out of the Tour.

So disappointing. You would think being Jack the Ripper, that the tour would have a lot to work with, gory photos, interesting stories, spooky locations, but the tour went down like this:

Standing in Carpark: "we're gonna go to some real good places, but I cant take you to that place cos the guy tells me fuck off every time I stand under his window"

Standing on the Street: "this is where some building used to be (brings out laminates) but its not here anymore"

Standing on another Street: "this building is where a victim was last seen alive! ofcourse its not really this building, as that was knocked down years ago.. but here is a laminate"

Talking about The Ripper: "who here has seen From Hell with Johnny Depp?? Who here likes Johnny Depp?? well Johnny Depp had a beer in that pub whilst filming From Hell..."

Rightio, well as much as I am a huge Johnny Depp fan, I fail to see how where he drank a beer as an important part of Jack the Ripper History.

So in the end, when my friends eyes were rolling into the back of her head, we decided to ditch the group and get some Curry and Fruli's.

Coincidentally we did go to the pub where a) johnny depp had a beer, and b) the victims of the ripper were known to get drunk. (It's weird being in a pub that was built before Australia was discovered) and I went down to the dungeonesque bathrooms and took a photo, and I have captured some Orbs.

Upper Right Hand Corner Orb: ripper victim

I should totally have my own Ripper Tour. You can pay me in Chilango's and Frulis.

The annoying thing about the Ripper Tour would be that you have no closure at the end. Noone knows who it was or why he did it or what happened to the Ripper when he stopped Ripping, so here is what I would end my tour with.

As you know the Ripper Murders only spanned a few months during the terminal year of 1888, from August - November, why did the murders stop then and so abruptly when the Ripper was clearly honing his ripping craft and enjoying his dark ways ??... now it is my theory that Jack the Ripper was caught on some petty theft bread stealing charge.. and shipped off to Australia. So there you have it, Australia - land of killer drop bears, ocean stingers, convict criminals, and a sucessive Jack the Ripper bloodline..

You can leave your tips in the hat.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

The Great Toilet Paper Debate

You know the one thing that really gets my goat re: Men/Husbands/The Y Chromosome..

It's not that they leave the seat up
It's not that they can't seem to find things right in front of their eyes
It's not that they seem incapable of normal brain function

It's that they can use half a freakin roll of toilet paper when they go the toilet.

Half a Roll!!!!!!!!! on ONE crap!!!!
It just doesn't make any sense on the (crap: paper) ratio
What the hell is wrong with your anus when you need that much TP to get the area clean??

Do you have a second anus that leaks crap out continuously?
Do you wipe yourself mid-crap?
Were you just never taught how to wipe your arse properly??

I could get by on just one square. Put me on a pedestal already.
President of the Happy Crappers Fanclub.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Breathtaking Bellagio

When we were first talking about taking a trip for Mark's 30th, we were of the mindset that we would go to Las Vegas and stay at the Bellagio Hotel where we got engaged, it's got a nice fountain and it's a good party town.. then I discovered the actual town of Bellagio, and suddenly Las Vegas was on the dung heap and Europe was on the menu.

Bellagio is an hours drive north out of Milan, it is situated on the tip of Lake Como at the juncture of 3 lakes, with the Swiss Alps in the background. If you can figure out the GPS system, and driving on the other side of the road on skinny roads that only fit one car, it's well worth the drive, as it is breathtaking.
It is a very tiny town, with pristine water and mountains everywhere. I was surprised to find that it was also very affordable, the food was the same price you would pay in a big city which is a nice change because usually if places have you hostage they extort as much money out of you as possible. Bellagio is not like that. The food is incredible and rich, I was once again too full to move, and had to be hauled out the restaurant in a wheelbarrow.

This is the view from our Hotel Room
Needless to say I didn't feel the need to leave the room and would have quite happily stared out the window for the duration of our stay.

Bellagio would be an amazing place to visit in the winter, with snow on the peaks of the mountains that surround you, but being that it is summer we had the fortunate experience of seeing people swimming in Lake Bellagio, there is a "beach" you can walk to, and I use the term beach loosely, as its the rockiest most uncomfortable beach I've ever had my feet crippled on. But the water was divine.. I saw lots of people wearing Crocs and whilst I do come from the 'only jerks with no taste wear crocs' school of thought, the next time we are here I'll be croc-ing it up massively as it's the only way to walk to the water without causing massive injuries to your feet from walking on pointy rocks the whole time.
We knew that we'd be swimming in the lake and I told Mark to pack his boardshorts, but of course he didn't listen to me and forgot, and I'm not about to spend $80 on a new pair, so he was forced into buying "punishment pants" ie: James Bond Dickstickers.

I said everyone else in Italy wears them so it won't be a big deal and I was right.. although I would go as far as saying that the Italians don't even bother with Speedo Dickstickers, they just go out in their undies.

I mean how else are you supposed to get an all over even tan??? The Italians know this, hence why this guy drove his boat around all day in his white underpants.

Bellagio had excellent shopping and an amazing jewellery story where the designer makes pieces exclusively for this shop and nowhere else. I can see why George Clooney lives in a Villa in the area and why Snoop Dogg comes here to buy his Pimp Canes.
I want this Octopus Ring!!!!!!!! and matching Bracelet, made with Diamonds.. when I have a spare $12,000 for the ring.. I'll defo be back.

Overall, I'm glad I went to Bellagio, and will be putting this on the itinerary of places to live at when we move over here. It was sad to leave, I will miss the gorgonzola gnocchi, and the piano man who sings all night under our window, and the mountain peaks, and the pimpin jewellery I can't afford.

Let's move to Italy

I think it's fairly impossible to visit Italy and not want to quit your job and move there for at least 3 months. What is not to love? great food, easy to learn language, fashion, more amazing buildings, and funky Italian people.

Milan was an excellent city and I'm so glad I went. It was super easy to get around too, usually I would be a bit apprehensive about getting on the tube in a country where the signs aren't in English, but we figured it out and zipped around the city with ease (a ticket costs $3 for unlimited travel) too easy. Makes the experience that much better knowing you got around with the locals and weren't stuck on an overpriced tourist bus.

As I've said before Milan doesn't have the overwhelming historical mega building factor that Rome has, but it does have some pretty cool shit:
This is the Duomo. Took 400 years to build, and anything called a Duomo is cool cos you can hark back the Silence of the Lambs when Hannibal Lector is stroking his chin and reminiscing about the 'Duomo seen from the Belvedere'....... it's an incredible building, made from this flawless white marble. You can climb around on the roof for $6 and see the incredible structural genius for yourself. The intricate details of the sculptures are amazing, and there are Lions everywhere. Lions Lions Lions. What's with all the Lions?? CS Lewis really didn't have to think too hard when coming up with Aslan for the Chronicles of Narnia.

The coolest thing about Europe, with all it's history and sic buildings, is that you could totally picture a movie about the Knights Templar taking place in all these locations. Something actiony, with Nicholas Cage, and Ninja Knights of the Modern Age, and Will Ferrell and John C Reilly as two Italian Brothers who are scam artists... (Sony Pictures???)

Our Milan experience I am sure wouldn't have been as good if we weren't staying in the Navigli area.
This neighbourhood is situated on the Canals (which are the brain child of Leonardo Da Vinci) The Canals are the cleanest I have ever seen, and I was this close to jumping in them on a hot 30 degree day. It was great to stay there because it's not a tourist area (there is one hotel) because this is where families and the regular peeps of Milan live. Hence, dinners are cheaper ($8 for an all you can eat Happy Hour from 6 - 10pm) which has a spread of anti-pastas/salami/mozzarella balls/meatballs/penne/pizza.. the best food you will come across and dirt cheap. So great. I ate so much I practically rolled home after a 4 hour food fest.

The Milanese are really cool. They are really nice, really trendy, and have great fashion sense and haircuts.. I've never been into undercuts, but after seeing our sexy waitress who looked like Scarlet Johnansens twin, I could be swayed to getting the buzz on my neck.

So go now. Book a ticket and go to Italy for 3 months. Although if you're going to Milan stay in the Navigli Neighbourhood, otherwise you might have to eat rip off pizza and stare at graffiti walls out of your underwhelming hotel room.

Prague: Boner Land

Prague is truly one of the most beautiful cities I've ever been to, check out this building:
Sooooooooo pretty. I want to be married to that pink building. If there was ever going to be a sick episode of Jerry Springer where a bunch of perverts came on stage and said what they would like to marry if if wasn't against the law (goats/a chair/your niece) I would be up on that stage with a picture of that building.
This is just one of the many beautiful churches, you can't swing a cat without hitting a beautiful 800 year old church. kinda makes me wish I religious so I had a reason to go in them.
Bones Bones Bones. If Bones are your thing, then this Ossuary in Prague would be your place, they built houses, candelabras, and giant shields from the bones of the 40,000 plague victims who died in this town. Creepy.

Book a ticket to go. Now.

Who is that Guy???

I've been in Italy this past week, and for my final few days we drove up to Bellagio, which is at the top of Lake Como near the Swiss Alps, they say that Bellagio is the most exclusive resort on the lake, and I have to agree, specially when you see famous actors walking around with their hot wives and good looking children.

Except I can't for the life of me remember what i've seen that guy in, so he's not A List, but he crops up in movies all the time.

It's soooooooooooooooo frustrating when you see an actor but you can't remember what he's from, it really got in the way of my brain enjoying the good time my body was having, lying on a beach (who is that guy?) staring at mountain ranges (who is that guy??) so I did what any sane person would do...

I wrote a song about all the situations I could imagine this guy acting in, in the hopes to stir something in the deep recesses of the IMDb of my brain.
(In the tune of F#)
Who is that guy?
Who is that guy?
I really need to know - who is that guy??

Why don't you act like - you're in the White House (thats not it)
Why don't you act like - there's aliens attacking (thats not it)
Why don't you act like - you raped your daughter (thats not it)
Why don't you act like - you're Lindsay Lohan's dad (thats not it)
Why don't you act like - you're looking for treasure (thats not it)
Why don't you act like - there's a really bad storm coming (thats not it)
Why don't you act like - there's killer robots (thats not it)
Why don't you act like - a businessman who delivers bad news (thats not it)
Why don't you act like - you're the chairman of the board (thats not it)
Why don't you act like - you're out for revenge (thats not it)

so basically he's not in: Armageddon/Perfect Storm/Independence Day/The Day after Tomorrow/National Treasure/Batman....... but I know he's in something.... usually playing some guy in a suit.

I thought it was this guy: but ......... thats not it

Prague's Ghosts

Whenever I'm in a new and exciting city, I like to know a bit about the stuff I'm looking at, otherwise it's just a bunch of pretty buildings, and you could be looking at pretty buildings anywhere. However most tours are full of lame-o's. I refuse to follow someone around whilst they hold up an umbrella and give the tour in 4 different languages and tell you simple facts I read about in a brochure at the airport.

I need blood. I need gore. I need to know all about the dirty history. I need a ghost tour.

The Ghost Tour I went on covered a lot of dark history about Prague, some interesting things of note. Prague was mainly untouched during WWII so many of its original buildings are still standing to this day, and thus carry their dark secrets within their walls, thus Prague is one of the most haunted cities in Europe.

The guy who designed the amazing 'Astronomical Clock' which the likes of had never before been seen before, and thus drew thousands of merchants and civilians to the area for trade, had his eyes gouged out so he could never design another clock for a different city so they could keep all the trade business in Prague. Rough.

Apparently there are hundreds of catacombs and tunnels under Prague's Old Town, that were sealed off around WWII. Many people would die in the tunnels from getting lost and trampled to death by running away from enemies, which makes Old Town, Orb City.

The Ghost Tour encourages you to take flash photography so you can pick up Orbs, Orbs being a ball of light thought to contain a spirit that is normally not able to be seen with the naked eye. I picked up many orbs.. and they aren't just dust/water/drops on the lens.. It's ghostly.

As you can see over the doorway on a building opposite St James Cathedral - 4 Orbs. The story about St James Cathedral is that many bodies are buried inside it's Crypts. One story in particular being about the guy who founded the first University in Prague, who was buried alive in his own Crypt, and grave attendants found his skeleton slumped up against the door when they opened to it to bury another family member many years later.. Sucks, that is my worst nightmare.

It's hard to see the Orb which is in the lower corner near the drain on the floor of Kinksky Palace, but its there. Now.. Kinksky Palace you will notice when you enter Old Town Square of Prague, is that it is the only building that juts out from the square of buildings around it. Apparently the Count who ordered the Palace to be built wanted to stand out, so he hired some builders to break ground into the town square, however they would find when they returned to the foundations in the morning that they had been destroyed. Legend says that some creepy old man (the devil in disguise) told them that they would never be able to break the borders of the town square unless they had the devil on their side, and to do so would require an act of supreme evil... so these builders went to a village outside of Prague, brought a young child from an orphanage, and killed her and laid the foundations over her body. The building was thus completed and no damage was ever made to the building again. However when the Count moved into his amazing new Palace he felt decidedly creeped out and could hear a child screaming coming from the depths of the Palace Floors, and he moved out 1 month occupancy. The building is now part of the National Museum, and workers say they still hear the sounds of a child screaming coming from the drain at night.
In Prague Square, you probably wouldn't notice these crosses that are paved into the ground, and would walk over them without a second glance. However the Czech people know to avoid stepping on these stones because of the significance they hold and the sad history that lies behind them. Thousands of years ago there was a Protestant revolt. A revolution. And if there is one thing the Catholic Church hates, is a revolution. So they rounded up the 27 Protestant's who were mainly responsible for this and hung them in the town square. These gravestones are there to commemorate their lives. And you can see an orb hanging over the crosses in the middle.

Now after the tour I was pretty spooked. I love ghost stories, but there were fricken ghosts and Orbs everywhere, and I just wanted to go home to bed and away from all the demons lurking in the street.

This is Hotel Hastal Prague. A really great hotel where I stayed for my trip... with a huge freaking Orb outside.. not only outside, but right near my window!!!!!!!!!! aghhhhh
Unfortunately Hotel Hastal wasn't on the tour so I have no idea what this Orb is, but if I had to guess i'd say its the spirit of one of the Hotels previous owners keeping a watch over the place, as the Hotel has been in the same family for many generations.... still, as benevolent as that Orb may be, I still slept with the light on and one eye open.

If you are ever in Prague go on McGee's Ghost Tours, it is the most entertaining and education tour you could do whilst in the area.