Saturday, May 30, 2009

Mackin' Out

You can learn a lot from 18 year olds these days, there is lots of new slang out there that I haven't even heard of - the most recent being 'mackin out' where two kids mack out on each other (read: get amorous) in front of the general public. Gross. I never mack out. Refuse to. I didn't even mack out at my wedding, if you want to see two people getting onto each other, go rent a B grade porno.

Tonight I was witness to more mackin' out than I will ever need to see in a lifetime. At The Presets gig at the Hordern Pavillion.

All Ages Gigs suck. However they didn't suck when I was underage, maybe because I wasn't preoccupied with taking a billion photos of me and my friends, and mackin out with any guy within arm's reach. I was too busy staring at the stage, focusing on not passing out from dehydration, and nursing injuries sustained from crowd surfers and mosh pit storm circles forming around me. This all-ages crowd were nothing but drunk beyond belief, drugged up, shirts off, slimy mack heads. I think I caught Acne when one of the slimy ones slid past me. What is the point of getting that off your face that you pass out as the headlining act begins??

Tonight's Presets gig was sold out apparently - so why then did we run into about 5 people who were trying to give their tickets away at the Fox & Lion across the road from the show?? Are people that affected by the rain they will forfeit their $60 ticket to stay dry inside. What a bunch of homos. Anyway - even if they did stay home in their comfy pants in front of the heater watching Law & Order SVU - they sure didn't miss out on much at the Hordern.

The Presets were............. meh

I give them a 5.5 - being that they delivered everything I suspected of them, but not one tiny thing more. They played every song off Apocalytpo, and the 'hits' off Beams - which I'm sure to a majority of Presets fans would say that it is the superior of the two albums. Nevertheless - you would have heard all the songs you wanted to hear but nothing more. No surprise mix-ups, no mixing up of any kind - the songs didn't blend into each other - it was like they put on the CD and plugged in a microphone and got a drumkit and created their own Guitar Hero - Presets Tour. Very Average.

The Presets are an Electro Pop band I would say, and I have seen my fair share of Electro Pop artists in concert over the years - the best being The Chemical Brothers, now the Chemical Brothers are probably about 50 years old now, but they put on the best electronics show I have ever seen. Smoke Machines. Lasers. Awesome Sound. Digital Screens. And did I mention lasers??

There were no lasers at The Presets. There were lights, but big deal. I have lights in my kitchen. OOH a red light, I could go to Bunnings Warehouse and sort that out - no big deal. I want lasers. I came to see lasers where the eff are the effing lasers?? The lights were budget anyway. I've seen better light installations at an RBT station driving home on the harbour bridge.

The sound was average. My heart wasn't being pounded out of my chest with the bass line - which is the main thrill of going to gigs in the first place. If I can't feel the beat of the music in my bones, then I may as well be on the bus listening to my iPod.

The only person truly enjoying himself was Paul Mac - who takes the meaning of Mac'n Out to a whole new level. I have never seen someone so off their face and still standing in my life. Can ecstasy do that to a person?? maybe he is able to shoot heroin and function standing up.. Paul Mac is also old. How old is he these days? about 45?? he needs to stop using the drugs and get some L'Oreal skincare if not. I think he would probably still be there swaying if the concert hadn't ended and his equally old friends dragged him out by the elbows.

Needless to say I was a little disappointed - the whole concert felt like an elaborate HOME nightclub set -that is to say average dance music and no amazing set/costumes/stage show of any kind.

This is what The Presets did at the Arias

Funny hats - back up dancers - digital screen and smoke machines (and lasers probably) and what we were treated to tonight was a pretty abysmal effort worthy of a sad RSL somewhere along the forgotten coastline of northern NSW.

Boo.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Going to Hell

I actually do like Jesus - or the idea of a man called Jesus.

He must have been a very charismatic guy. Definitely knew how to related to people, could throw a decent party with all the fish and wine you'd ever need. He could heal your wounds, and run across the lake if you needed something. He wasn't a judgemental man and was open-minded about almost everything.

He was probably a bit whiffy from his bohemian homeless person lifestyle, but i'm sure that Jesus Sweat smells better than the finest perfumes across all the land..
(note to self.. make perfume called Jesus Sweat)

All in all, I dig jesus. I like his style.

What we really need to get to the root of, is the worlds most exciting unsolved mystery;

Who was Jesus' Dad ??

(Biological Dad)... On the one hand you've got Joseph (not it) and then there's God (beardy man who sits on a cloud)

Unless there was reallllllllllllly low fog around Bethlehem one day, I really don't see any physical possibilities of making love to a cloud. No matter how horny and alone you are - fog is just not going to cut it in any way.

So who was the mystery lover?? Some desert dweller? An ex-boyfriend? Cleary he was someone that Mary could not bear the thought of mentioning his name again, so opted for the road less travelled "magic baby" story.

The "magic baby" story just would not fly these days. Once you pull of the greatest 'magic baby' scam in history - anyone who follows in your footsteps is going to want to produce a pretty amazing kid to have that story believed.

You can't have a 'magic baby' and have that kid who never moves out of home who sits around taking apart radio transistors all day long, eating microwvave burritos, and dating on the internet. That just won't do.

They need to send in someone who can get the job done

Matthew McConaughey is a man who can get things done (shirtless) also if you look at his resume, he has good mystery solving skills (Sahaha/Fools Gold) Yes this is the man for the job. He can roam the lands in his khaki shorts with his bong and bongos, trying to solve the greatest mystery of all time and probably making some 'magic babies' of his own as he travels through villages searching for answers.

Dan Brown I think I just found your next book. Where's my cheque??

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

No Sir.. I Don't Like It

Why The Long Face??

OMG!!!!!! I have the worrrrst hangover of my life!!!!!! Do Not Even Speak To Me about anything right now.. Eghh what is this? An Orange! I need to contend with the Worlds Worst Horse Hangover with a freakin orange??

Get me some Berroca-Hay.. and make me a pot of coffee flavoured horse-water stat!

No Horse Rides Today
No Horse Rides At All

Monday, May 25, 2009

Backwards World

Before I left on Holidays.. the night that Lenny almost died :(... I was at the vet at 2am, and having nothing better to do than stress out and flick through the macabre photo album of "lost loves ones" (pictures of peoples dead pets) I decided to weigh myself on the giant pet weighing device

64KG

These past three weeks, I have been eating the whole world; chocolate biscuits, cake, more biscuits, more cake, ice-creams, and my only exercise activity has been limited to; sunbaking, swinging in a hammock, going to the cupboard for biscuits...

I figured I will have put on at least 5KG in my time here.

However - today when we finally replaced the batteries in the scales, to my surprise I have not gained weight - but lost weight??!?!!!

WTF!!

61KG

What is up with Queensland?? Up is Down, Right is Left, Fat is Good, Hammocks burn Calories??

I wonder what else could happen in this crazy mixed up state?? Perhaps I should start applying for jobs here and I will become the CEO of a financial institution?? (maybe long division skills don't exist in QLD)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Blankets Anonymous

I woke up this morning with a startling realisation. I am 28 and I have a security blanket.

It was a wedding present, and it hasn't left my side since. It obviously become my wedding present as opposed to our wedding present. I would lie around in it naked for hours in our honeymoon bungalow - far preferring it's soft minky blankety goodness on my skin - than say... my husband's hands...

My name's Rachel and I'm a Blankaholic.

When I was packing my bags for my Cairns getaway, I had everything ready to go, then as a last decision (an obsessive compulsion) I quickly hid my black blanket in my hand-luggage. It felt like I had scratched an itch.

However - it's not just me who loves this blanket.. my husband obviously loves it but he should get his own - this is my blanket! (rule being that if it's your friend that gives you the blanket - then the blanket would be yours in the divorce, hence it's my blanket)

I didn't tell him that I had taken the blanket with me, so a week later when we're on the phone he's like "do you know where the black blanket is?"... "umm on my bed" ooooh caught.

He wanted it. Lenny wanted it (trust me if the blanket is lying around, you will find one purring cat hiding inside it at some stage), and now my mum's cat wants it.

My mum's cat has taken a liking to my security blanket. He would prefer to lie in a dark room, kneading my blanket and purring like a mofo - than be hugged and get some human affection on the couch. It's a sickness. This blanket is kryptonite.

So yeah.. I have a security blanket. It's not that weird is it??? It would be weird weird if I took it away to Europe with me this summer, as that is crossing the international boundaries of blanket lovin, it's taking it one step tooo far - when you would choose to pack a blanket for an overseas trip, than say.. clothes...

I just have to hope that there are suitable blankets in my travels over there.. or I might have to cut off a small square to carry around with me like a dity little secret in my pocket.

mmmmmmmmmmmmm Blaaaaaaaaankkkkkkketttttttt

(I can totally understand why Michael Jackson named his kid Blanket.. if he wasn't such a weirdo, i'd do the same thing)

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Accidental Racist

Is it just me or does "the accidental racist" sounds like an awesome title for a film? My super dream hunk Jeff Goldblum could be in it.. plus it could be based on me - finally! my chance to shine!!!!!

So, I have to get it out there that I freakin love Japanese Tourists. I would go out on a limb to say I love all Japanese people, but I haven't been to Japan yet to see them in their natural habitat, but i'm sure I will love them over there as well.

Today I was sunning myself on the Great Barrier Reef - having a snorkle, chasing sea-turtles, scraping my body over coral reefs in the ridiculously low-tide - and also trying to pose good in photos that I was taking of myself with the self-timer on.

This one came out ok:

It's your typical posewhorey beach pose - but I was pretty stoked with my ingenius (one leg in the air!! who would have thought? I should be a photographer for Vogue)

THEN the Japanese arrived, and they put my one leg in the air effort to shame.

First of all - they had their own photographer!!!!!! Some older guy with a professional camera who they would screech at when they wanted a photo taken. And they weren't taking stupid 'lets stand here in front of the ocean' photos - they were doing some gymastic feats.

I spied with my little eye these girls doing a human pyramid.. then one girl would stand on another girls shoulders, then they would throw one girl in the air and catch her.. WTF! soooo awesome!!

I never take photos like this.. with my legs over my head.. i'm gonna start though! The Japanese have inspired me. For one - you never see a Japanese tourist having a bad time, or whinging about things.. sitting behind me on this lustrous island were some old farts (white hillbillys) who bitched about the Great Barrier Reef saying it wasn't that great, then one of the wiser hillbillys asked the main one had she gone in the water and she goes "NO!!" Pfffft. FAIL! They should do an eyeball scan on these people when they try to buy their tickets and then deny them entry.

"we don' take kindly to your type roun ere" but bring on the Japanese!!

They are just so super cute. One large breasted sun lover took her top off and the japanese men of all ages all ran down to the beach to take 'landscape shots' with her huge breasts in the foreground... ahhh.. memorrrrrries.

So I vow that on my European Vacation 09 in August this year, I will no longer stand in front of some dusty monument with "just take the fucking picture" face on. No I will be back-flippin, leg-spreadin, high-jumpin, my way allll over those historical sites.

Restetpa (respect)

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Reality Ugly

You know what's really dumb - when you watch an ad on tv, and its full of ugly "real" people. People with saggy boobs and fug heads, like they are going to trick you into buying their stupid car or joining their dumb bank because they have 'real' people in their ads.

I'm not that stupid. I know they're extras. Or they are just badly paid second rate actors who got sucked into being in an ugly reality ad.

Is it too much to ask that tv be peppered with good looking people? Isn't it supposed to be an escape from reality? if I wanted to see ugly people at the bank - I'd walk to the bank.

Aids.

You know what else gets my goat - when bitches you hate from high school want to hook up just because you happen to be overseas at the same time. Let's get one thing straight here I went to two different high-schools.

1 x Excellent High School
1 x Mediocre School

The mediocre high school was povo. We had teachers with no idea who would write one thing on the blackboard then disappear for the lesson. When I started half way through year 10 - I came first in most of my classes, even having missed out on half the curriculum?? Go Figure. However the company I kept made up for all the lacks in my education - as they were the best people in the world, and most are still my BFF's to this day, and even the ones that I don't speak to often I would still high 5 in the street as opposed to reaching for something sharp to shove up their nose into their brain cavity (coming up)....Quality over Qantity.. or something.. how should I know ?? - like I just said - my school was shit

The excellent high school - whilst having extremely high standards of academic achievement - was an all girls school who aside from about 2 people (BFF's) were all psycho bitches who I long to see under the smelly side of a garbage truck. Sooooo many bitches, not enough words. But imagine these situations: coming to school one day to find a note in your locker from your 'best friend' saying she doesnt want to be friends with you anymore, and had other girls in the class sign it and add their opinions as well... there is just something sick and wrong about All Girls Schools, like all that pent up sexual frustration turns inwards and they deal with it by being the worlds biggest cunt someone else.

Which is why it perplexes me when people suggest meeting up for drinks just cos you happen to be in London at the same time.. are you kidding?! I hate this Ho.

Yeah I'm a grudge holder.

To be honest I can't even remember why I hate this girl, only that I do, and so therefore I must have a good reason (it's ok - she hates me too - so we are equally retarded on all accounts)

No Drinks for You!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Cairns.. Week 2

So, whilst I have nothing to do - I thought what better place to do nothing than in sunny Cairns in QLD. Apparently though - god had different plans so thwarted my attempts at being brown, so made clouds appear every day - now everytime a sunbeam appears I have to resist the urge to run outside naked and bask in cooking oil to get the maximum benefits.

Cairns would be a great place to raise kids I reckon - because lets face it if I had a kid back in Sydney the most exciting things we would get up to would be to walk outside the apartment building and collect the mail together.

Yet up in QLD there is a whole plethora of outdoor activities for one to enjoy: ie DIGGING A HOLE

To the layman - this would look like i'm just laying in a dirty disgusting puddle - I am actually lying in a Hot Spring. These so called 'hot springs' are about a 2 hour drive from Cairns (through a mystical hinterland) and right next to a truckstop.

So you pull up at the truckstop and the driver says "Ok - we're here" and you say "I'm not digging a hole at a truck stop" and then you burn your feet off as you wander down stream to find a good hole diggin opportunity.

The thing with Hot Springs, is that there is noone regulating the temperatures, so when you are new and stupid to the game - you stick your leg into a nice looking puddle and all your skin burns off because the water has been steaming nicely with a little help from a volcano and is about 100 degrees. (who needs feet? maybe i could get a disability pension??)

Once you stop being a moron though and start diggin it is very worthwhile and relaxing - and it is a well known fact that sitting in any warm body of water will burn excess calories right off! I think I need to perculate for about a week and half then I would be down to my goal weight - Dangerously Anorexic.

If being boiled alive isn't your thing - you could go to another magical place where you can molest the Wallaby's. Wallaby's are wayy better than your regular Kangaroos, for one - they are a lot smaller so its easier to envision stealing one in your handbag and keeping it at home in the laundry as a pet.

Another small drive out of Cairns will take you to Wallaby Mountain - where they lie around all day like lazy sods, until a busload of tourists arrive and feed them mountains of pellets. Unfortunately I had no pellets to offer, so they let me pat them for a minute, inspected my bag, then avoided me as I had nothing of use to offer (bitches)

Where I am living is right near a beach. The general consensus is that tropical north queensland is land of blue water and white sandy beaches. Yeah we have plenty of sand to go round - but unfortunately, if you want blue water you have to catch a ferry about an hour out to sea, as the water in this part of the world is brown. Brown Brown Brown. I don't mind - except when i'm swimming in it, and that small part of my brain which cant see the water around me thinks there is a giant crocodile or shark about to eat me, so I swim further in and sit in another brown murky puddle and dig myself a hole.

I have another week here, so I am going to bide my time wisely - by sitting in the hammock as much as possible, reading books about the Holocaust, and riding my pushbike around the block a million times (go bum muscles!)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Plans

Ok - so I'm at a literal crossroads in my life - gotta have a plan. This is it:

PLAN A: find another job within my field of knowledge and experience in the 'industry' - however this time not working in some skank's filthy loungeroom, and not having to clean out crusty oil burners. Ideally working with two hilarious homosexuals, who like to go shopping and have long lunches, and we can sit around and gossip about the clients and what parties we are gonna go to, and have drinks every friday and have sleepovers... but do proper work amongst all of that. This time I want business cards/a reason to wear clothes nicer than pyjamas to work/and people I dont want to stab working within 30 centimeters of me.

PLAN B: Go back to Uni and be like Pauly Shore from 'Son in Law' and never graduate and live life like one big partyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This would be great. I could do loads of useless Graduate Diplomas and hang at Uni Bars, and join Uni Rallys, go to Uni Dances, and wear high waisted jeans and scrunchies.

PLAN C: Graduate, and get a job as a secondary school Drama Teacher "Welcome to Mr G's room, G's Room, G's Room, Welcome to Mr G's room, come inside" Obvs I would have to do a Dip Ed in Teaching whilst on my party bender, and then I could go to my calling as a weird drama teacher. I think this would be most fun. "Now lets all be trees" and also having my vast experience in the world of actors I could sit them down and tell em truth "you with the moustache! yeah stacy.. pick another career" (its harsh, but true. Nida don't want no hairies) Plus then I would finally have a captive audience to perform in front of all day long, and I suppose 'teach' the art of being a soulful weirdo.

PLAN D: Have a kid. Can't be too hard. Plus it would be fun to have someone to walk to the shops with and talk to - even if they arent talking back ,and are just spewing and farting all over the place. It's probably no worse than hanging out with a really old person all day long.. also could sell it to some childless couple in Sweden.

PLAN E: Ski with the Trees. Everyone knows how dangerous it is to Ski with the Trees (Sonny Bono - i'm lookin in your direction) so as a final resort I could Ski with the Trees, on the downside you will probably die, but on the upside - if you just cripple yourself really badly - you'll probably get a cripple pension to live on, an then I could move somewhere and design a house with ramps and no doors.... (and get really good upper body strength and compete in Murderball)

Good Work! A +

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Vegas & The Prawn

In highlight news: Lenny is at home!!!!!!!!! Convalescing on the couch. Being a big sook. But that is ok, because Mr Man MD (the nurse) is taking good care of him.

This couldn't have come at a worse time really. Does a cat really need to ingest venlafaxine the morning that I am due to fly out to Cairns for 3 weeks for a tropical sunshine holiday? I just wish I was there to monitor every move he makes. I want to rub his head, feed him water, help him poo. If society lets me - when I get back I am going to wear lenny around in a sling meant for newborns, strapped to my chest at all times.

It is really hard when an animal gets sick. I am sick with worry. Hammering up a fence won't take my mind off it, nor will riding a bike to the shops and back. Unfortunately I have a very high emotional attachment to anything cute and furry. But this doesn't just stop at cats. I feel sorry for discarded fluffy toys on the road. "ooh poor thing! it'll be so cold and lonely!" I always have to resist the urge to rescue roadside toys. I cant even tell you the heartache I endure going into a salvation army store and walking through the soft toys section "nooo! they are so sad! they need homes! well at least they have each other to talk to"

That is why when I saw that fluffy fur coat hanging in the Salvation Army store, I simply had to bring it home with me. It was too sad to leave it alone in that shop. Yes even clothes have feelings in my opinion.

So today when i'm walking around a market at Cairns and we come across a box of Yabbies (essentially for human consumption) I had to rescue one.

Welcome Home Pinchy!!!!!!

No longer do you need to fear the smell of garlic and butter! No more will you rest in a box with a billion of your brothers and sisters! I will save you!!!!!!!

Unfortunately I don't think Pinchy wanted to be saved.

He's already tried to commit suicide once.

He turns his nose up at the food on offer: sourdough/chilli beef, and tries to escape at every chance, and waves his pinchy claws at us if we get too close. Where's the regard Pinchy??

My only hope is that Pinchy and the cat (Vegas) form a bond, whereby they go about solving crimes and helping neighbourhood animals by being a team of misfit investigators.

It could happen..

I picture Pinchy having some Swiss/French accent, whilst Vegas is a bit like Ray Romano, and not wanting to go along with Pinchy's schemes, but does anyway - because Pinchy will nag and nag and pinch you until you agree

Vegas & The Prawn
Fighting for another day
Let your problems float away
Vegas & The Prawn
Vegas & The Prawn

Thursday, May 07, 2009

The Cats in the Cradle

Well my cat ate a pill just the other day,
I truly didn't mean it to turn out this way,
I was packing my bags cos I was goin away,
And he ate the pill when I was lookin away,
I looked at his eyes and they were kinda wild,
I said I'll take you the vet if you don't mind,
I'm gonna take you to the vet yeah,
I'm gonna take you to the vet.

And Lenny's at the vet, in a yucky room,
There's a russian blue, and a pregnant baboon,
"when you coming home?"
Len I don't know when.
We'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

I can't live. If living is without you..

I often wonder, who was Mariah Carey singing about when she sang "Without You".. some dude?

I cant live
If living is without you
I cant live
I cant give anymore
I cant liiiiiiiiiiiiive
If living is without yooooooooooou


But now I know, she was probably singing about her cat -who accidentally ate her medication and had to be taken to the vet at 2am

As that is what happened to Lenman last night, and I can. not. function. at the thought of something bad happening and having to go through life without him.

I would seriously take a bullet for that cat.

I don't care if it cost $30,000 to fix him. I would pay it. I would sell a kidney. I would do very bad things to ensure his survival.

Is it wrong to have a best-friend that is a cat? I don't think so. I spend hours with that cat. We nap together, we hang out together, we sleep all night together, we spoon together, he even eats tacos with us at the table! He is as close to human you can get, except way cuter and furrier.

Oh man, I seriously can't live. If livin is without lenman... I can't liiiive. I live anymooooore!

Get Better Lenman
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Partying like a Verb

Had a party on saturday night
Excellent Turnout
I am so cool and popular
Jobless - but at least I had my bestest friends there to celebrate with me

Learnt a LOT:

* The last thing you want to eat is one of those live squids, and then have it climb its way back up your windpipe and strangle your lungs. Although it would be totally cool if you were to take psychedelic drugs at the same time.

* If there is the tiniest of stages, you should find it and dance the night away like you are in an Aerosmith film clip

* Having your top fall down and walking around in your bra is fine, as long as you are too drunk to notice

* When you go to a houseparty at 1am, its perfectly fine to have an impromptu job interview when you are totally smashed and falling over, then turning down the job because you don't want to have to 'learn' stuff.. pfft learning is for plebs.

* Naan bread should only be chewed then spat out like chewing tobacco, as its far to dry to actually swallow

* Getting out of the cab to spew is the perfect way to get out of paying the cab fare, suckers.

* Surprisingly the floor can be quite luxuriously comfortable at 3am

So, after spewing my guts up allll day (even cordial won't stay down) I am going to pull myself together, find the huntsman spider hiding in the CD's, then get myself prepared for three weeks in tropical queensland. Must; get a tan, read all 14 books from the library, see how the lychee man is doing, write a masterpiece, devise a self-swinging hammock.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Shit Inducing Locations

So, everytime I go to the library - I have noticed that every single time I get halfway down an aisle, I get the urge to shit.

Like immediately!

And I have to walk with my cheeks pressed together for the entire rest of my library trip.

Why is this??! Does the smell of old books have some sort of untapped laxative effected?

Lucky I didn't pursue any careers that revolve around copius amounts of time spent in libraries.

Librarian
Someone in the Government
A Treasure Hunter

Imagine if Indiana Jones also had the same library/poo affliction I have, and in that scene in ' Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade' when he and that nazi bitch are sniffing around the library for clues, and he has to take a break from smashing the 'X marks the spot' place to go dump a massive turd.... that would have been an awkward part of the film.

However, The Da Vinci Code was such a shitty film, I wouldn't have noticed any shit-breaks whilst they went to various shit inducing libraries. In fact I'm pretty sure that whole film was spent with Tom Hanks pinching a turd.

Lucky there is lots of space to crop dust, specially when you're looking at books in the interior design section.