Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Skillz to pay the Billz

Let's face it, these days I probably couldn't get a job baggin groceries. That's high end. You're in charge of money, have to do maths, have to use an 'eftpos' machine, have to co-ordinate muted green tones of clothing...

I just don't think they'd hire me.

I don't know who would hire me these days. These 'recession days'. Even the back-up places don't exist anymore. "hey I could work in a cd store like in high fidelity!" EGHH! sorry, those shops are all closed down.

I just don't know where a person with my skills fits in these days?? In no particular order this is what I have to offer the world:

* The ability to type really quickly and fairly accurately without looking at my fingers
* Being able to lip synch almost perfectly to pretty much any song from the 90's
* Enjoys alphatbetising and filing things for hours on end
* Can multitask: talk on phone, type email, peruse 'cute overload' and roll my eyes at my superiors at the same time.
*Ability to turn almost any conversation into a sexual innuendo
* Can recite the first 10 minutes of 'Terminator 2' verbatim
* Can recite most Simpsons episodes
*excellent personal hygiene
*has a degree in communications so am able to converse for hours over the "empirico-transcendental doublet"
*can figure out how to catch public transport of all varieties in all cities to get to where you're going
*firm knowledge of america's prison system (after logging hours of CI on foxtel)
*can usually come up with a rhyme fairly easily, if a last minute rap song is needed

Who wants to pay me for that??!

Anybody??

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Financial Crisis????

I think I must have accidentally taken acid sometime this weekend, cos I started thinking I was Paris Hilton for a second.

This weekend I brought:

A weekend in the Hunter Valley
2 new pairs of shoes
A trip to London/Amsterdam/Germany/Poland
A fur coat
and some other expensive shit that that I am addicted to; Benefit Make-Up, L'Occitane skincare, water purifiers, fancy soap...

I guess the only question now is what does one wear when they visit Aushwitz?? will my fur coat be out of place?? will I even be able to wear my fur coat in public without reprisal? It's pretty darn soft though, and if its just gonna hang on a rack in the Salvation Army, it may as well hang in my wardrobe where I can hug it and take it to bed with me.

I am in a financial crisis.. I see something. I like it. I buy it. Who needs kids and a mortgage when you have a pile of stuff and go to far away places????

Yep, i'm a material girl, living in a material world.

It could be worse, I could be having my eggs vaccumed out and stored in a freezer for implantation at a later date..that shit is expensive

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Russell Brand

Last night I saw Russell Brand perform at the Hordern Pavilion in his stand-up show "Scandalous"

Russell Brand is fucking hot.

He just oozes sexuality. Hot. Feminine. Rockstar. Junky. Sexuality.
Would I tap that? Yes. Yes I would.

I loved Russell's Booky Wook. He stole the show in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall', and pretty much just thinking about Russell Brand makes me happy. We have a lot in common.

Only Child
Same Initials
Inappropriate sense of Humour
Love of Cats
Mental Illness

Suffice to say I was wetting my pants with excitement when I scored 2nd row tickets to his show.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is not the most exciting part of this story.

So I'm sitting in my seat, having got there early as the ticket said 'starts at 8pm SHARP!!!" which it did not! (lying cunts) so I got to watch the place fill up. and it was packed. Anyway, I'm people watching and I see this guy walk towards me and I'm like "I know him..."

It's Ben Gillies.. (the drummer) from Silverchair... and his dumb girlfriend.

He sat behind me..

OMG OMG OMG

that was pretty cool.. then when the lights started dimming and the show is about to start I turn around to get a perv and whoa!! guess who is sitting next to Ben

DANIEL JOHNS!!!!

Right Behind Me!!!!!!!!!!

Holy Shit I think I had an aneurysm.

At this stage Russell could have come out and performed the alphabet and it would have gone down in history as the best show I've ever seen. Just sitting in the Hordern Pavilion knowing that Daniel Johns was right behind me (i had better seats than him) looking at the back of my head (and my sexy neck??) was too much... how does one watch Russell Brand when they are also trying to look sexy/demure/smart/without an irritating laugh when Daniel Johns is sitting behind them??

So yes, I sat for 2 hours with the love of my life (in rockstar terms) less than half a meter from me. I was giddy.

Oh and his stupid alien-head dumb slut girlfriend Louise Van De Vorst was with him too.. (die bitch)

ON WITH THE SHOW

First up Merrick & Rosso opened for him. DUMB SHIT NOT FUNNY HACKS!! This is their routine in a nutshell:

pubes
bogans
pubes
pubes
vagina
vagina pubes

wow!! titillating stuff!! fucking get some new material you boring lame-o's! You're fired. If anything they made Russell look 150 million times better.

Russell finally comes out. I was riveted.

Russell is all about controversy. I love it. He does everything in the name of comedy. Anything bad that happens to him turns into a funny story. He is such a genuinely naturally funny guy. I just love him so much.

His act is about him, his life, his nuances. I am so over 'observational' humour. It's been done. Russell lays himself bare and shows his wounds to the world and doesn't turn away when the audience flinches. We embrace everything about Russell because we are all the same on some level with our perversions, narcissism, and idiocrisy. Russell is just brave enough to put it on display.

There was not one boring moment in the show, from reading out his death threats, to showing us his new 'cock-pants' (sass & bide leggings). It was over too quickly but I was duly satisfied.

I would see another Russell Brand show in a microsecond. Even if I wasn't within breathing distance of Daniel Johns, I'd still say that this was the best stand-up show I have ever seen, and ever will see given the lack of Russell Brands in the world.

RB forever

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Reasons why I was hungry today

out of all the reasons to eat out there, lunchtime is really the pits. its so fucking awkward. ooooh work work work.. 5 hours later.. oh right! now I have to come up with some way of hunting and gathering some food! and furthermore, I should fill an hour with some sort of non-work related activity to take full potential of my lunch-hour.

I hate it

there's too much pressure

too much pressure to find food. too much pressure to have a good time, too much pressure to fulfil your hourly lunchbreak with something worthwhile, so you come back into the office 'refreshed' and ready to hit another 5 hours with a passionate glee in your eye.

well I tell you what matey! it's not happening. ok!

I've always had a problem with lunch. all the horrible things that happened to me as a child happened at lunchtime. first up - when you're in primary school, where you'd get a 'tuck-shop' lunch, and your mum would write some lunch order on a bag and you'd pick up your lunch and everything would go smoothly.. not fucking likely - if you happen to be me!!

first up - my lunch order was always some hideous 'salad sandwich'.. i'm 6 years old. I don't want a goddam salad sandwhich.. I dont care if its healthy.. being healthy doesn't matter to my formative brain - fitting in is what matters, and none of the cool kids are being forced to eat rotten salad sandwhiches at lunch time.. so what did I do?? I did the only thing my 6 year old mind could conjure... I hid that shit in my desk.

and it festered there. for months.. festering away.. till one day we had a school desk clean up and OH NO! look what they found in rachel's desk... a shitload of rotten salad sandwhiches.. they thought I had an eating disorder. at SIX YEARS OLD!!! there is no such thing as an anorexic primary schooler you fags... suffice to say - they didn't trust me to eat lunch on my own, so rather than asking me what I would have prefered to eat (like every other normal kid - ie: ham sandwhich/sausage roll/meat pie) I had to have a supervised lunch hour where the teacher would sit and make me eat my hated and dispised horrid salad sandwhich. It did nothing to aid in my ambitious campaign of fitting in, and I left that school the no-friend loser I had been when I first started.

bowm bowm on you lunchtime

These days I still hate lunch.. I try my hardest to source fun things to eat, but I really just don't care. lunch is not a meal I take pride in. If I could get a space-pill that would give me all the nutrients I needed, I'd sign up for that in a second.

Today however, I decided I would go to vinnies during my lunchbreak, to browse around at other peoples discarded crap, as this fills me with a sense of calm and belonging. everybody has crap. come buy my crap.

I found 3 shitty shirts that I thought I ought to buy. then on my to the sandwhich shop I realised I spent all my lunch money on $3 shirts.. oh fuck. no lunch today.

the truth is - I could have walked back to the shop once I got back to the office to retrieve more funds, but honestly.. i was wearing really uncomfortable shoes and it was too much of an effort.

so you see - that is why i'm starving. that is why I ate the grapes I had left in the fridge from 3 days ago. that is why I ordered a giant meal, a cheese platter and a pretzel for dinner. because lunchtime does my head in. something weird always happens.

still - being too stupid to buy lunch is a good way of staying skinny, and we all know that it's being skinny that counts in this crazy crazy world.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

McBitchy

So, todays news is that two little girls disappeared from a McDonald's whilst their grandparents were being major cunts to them and having an argument.

This is what they look like:


Let me get this straight.. these two ran away from the McDonalds?? Pfft. Who are they kiddin?? I'll bet $20 that the one on the left is currently hiding behind the chip frying machine eating the droppings and sucking on the oil vent.

But seriously, hope they find em, maybe award them with a carrot or two and some lipsuction when they show up

Maybe the fat one ran off to join The Goonies?? there is always room in this world for another 'Chunk', maybe she's hunkering over a blender right now confessing all her worldly sins to the Fratelli Brothers??

In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Pool Party

I'm sure that when most people hear the words 'pool party' they think ..'cool, I can go for a swim'.. Wheres I'm thinking 'cool I can finally strut around like a 1970's porn star'

I have been eyeing off this super sexy bikini for months, I walk past it everyday on the way to work and I think 'mmmmmmmm sexy' but do I really need a new bikini?? I already own like 17, and I go swimming maybe 3 times a year... but when I received my friends invite for his 30th Birthday Pool Party, well that gave me all the ammunition I needed to get myself another.

For me, Pool Parties are the one type of social gathering where it's 100% ok to stand around looking like a hooker. So I brought the bikini, I sourced a pimpin furcoat from a friend, and got out my 10 inch hooker heels and I was set! All I needed now was for someone to snort some drugs off my stomach.

Essentially I wanted to pretend I was on the set of Boogie Nights.. So I practised standing around all whorey in my outfit in front of the mirror for two hours, finding out what poses made my butt look nicest, and what light gave me maximum hotness factor.

But unfortunately it thunderstormed and rained the whole time.

I got a complimentary bread stick upon leaving though, so at least the night wasn't a total bust.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Most Exciting Thing Ever!!!!!!

The most exciting thing ever happened today at work.

I didn't get promoted
I didn't meet anyone famous
I didn't get a payrise

But a cat did come into the office!!!!

OMG it was so exciting!!!!!

Nothing is better than when an animal comes into your life. Like when you're at school and a dog comes into the schoolyard and everything goes bananas because its sooo fucking exciting and different that noone gets any work done, because its so exciting to see an animal in an environment where they don't normally belong.

Ahhhhhhhn. I didn't get any work done this afternoon.

OMG the cat's on the chair
OMG the cat's on the keyboard
OMG the cat's sniffing the printer
OMG it's on the desk

This is up there as the best day of the year (thus far)

I don't know if my excite-o-meter will be able to handle it if it comes back on Monday.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sickness

I really really really hate these types of lightbulbs

I dont know why.

I just hate them.

I look down on them.

All my life I have used the other prongey ones that you have to fit into the holes and twist around.. and then these screw ones come along and think they're the shit!!

They aren't.

I hate going to the shops to buy screw bulbs.

Have you ever brought the wrong type of bulb and got home and had to live in darkness for a month?? That happened to me once - with one of these fuckers.

I like the struggle of trying to fit that other type of bulb into its home, almost falling off the chair and breaking your neck. I like that. I feel alive.

Screw bulbs are for lazy people. Lazy people who do not 'live on the edge' like I do.

I also hate small hard to find types of bulbs where you have to go to Bunnings Warehouse and look through 3 aisles of tiny bulbs. Which is why I always steer clear of fancy lamps.

Fuck that shit.

Lightbulbs man....

Time to get your Hate On

The Bushfire Relief Fund: i'm over it. seriously. i gave my $100 to the koalas, i brought some charity mascara, i felt bad for the people who lost their houses But really.. can we move on?? A couple of hundred people died and that sucks, but do we really still need all the fundraising bullshit?? haven't we raised enough millions? What about the Indian Earthquake of 2004?

283,100 killed, 14,100 missing, and 1,126,900 people displaced.

Get some fucking perspective australia. terrible things happen everyday to innocent people all around the world.

Sound Relief??!! jesus. did we have 'Quake Relief'? did coldplay do some homo acoustic set for those poor indians?? um no. Is it because they were already poor and dirty? is it because they live in 3rd world conditions so can "deal" with all that horrific loss better than us whitey westerners?? Is it because we don't have to live there so we don't have to think about it?

Give those poor indians some fucking millions please, they need it more than the displaced whiteys with NRMA home insurance policies i'm sure. 5 years on and i'm sure most of them are still living in disease infested huts.

Maybe i'm the world biggest bitch. Maybe i'm heartless. Maybe what I think here is wrong. Maybe my heart is just too big to contain the sadness of the world.

My heart breaks with joy and sadness when I see a homeless man eating a chocolate glazed donut in the gutter.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Knowing Me, Knowing Nothing

Do you ever go to those 'trivia nights'.. some pub, some weird questions, some smart indians in the corner??

I go to trivia nights sometimes after work in the city, we've been around to a few different pubs to try and find the best one, Forresters, the Fringe, the Clarendon.. yet every place is the same. some wannabe stand up comedian on the microphone, and the same questions which make you feel fucking retarded afterwards.

Last night we went to the Clarendon, and of our group we have a modelling agent, cate blanchetts agent, me - an agent, the casting director of all saints, and a male-model. It's a given that we are never going to come first unless the questions revolve around superficial pop culture and film & television.

It's really quite frustrating because the questions are things you should know, and the answer is residing deep in the untapped recesses of the brain, but no matter how hard you try to remember, the answer constantly escapes you.

I found my forte though, The Simpsons, and Porn.

Who is Mandula's husband?
What state has legal prostitution in the US?
What's another name for Brothel?

If only there were some sort of red light district/simpsons fan trivia night out there. We'd be winning for sure!

Till then, 'The Potato Gems' are in a firm 5th place.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Dick Fest 2009

On the weekend I went to one of those Hens Nights where its just dick dick dick. Pin the dick on the groom, dick cups, dick water bottles, dick ornaments, paper dicks. Then the stripper arrived (black) and in that case, we didn't get any dick!? whats up with that.. I don't want to see your shaved pubes.. its dick or nothing at this point.

Plus you just know that if the roles were reversed and it was a female stripper, we'd all have our noses in that flap at some stage. It's a given that a female stripper is going to get her inner flaps out on display, but the most a guy gives you is pubes!!!!! pfffffft. What does he do during the week anyway?? I can't help but think that he does something really ordinary, like work at Cellarmasters with all the other unemployed actors in Sydney.

Luckily though, the stripper showed his dick under a towel to the Hen, so that's all that matters.

Next stop: Karaoke Bus..... having never been on a karaoke bus before I really didn't know what to expect, on the one hand I love karaoke.. on the other hand I don't like buses, and I get motion sick at the best of times, let alone reading lyrics and singing at the same time...

Once you get passed the 'oh my god' threshold and just go with it, the Karaoke Bus does deliver a good time.. a very loud, debauchery, good time. Is this even legal??

The 'Karaoke Bus' was just a regular bus.. with tinted windows, microphones, and an esky where the back doors would be. Drinks Ahoy! Swinging in the Aisles, Screaming.. it's actually like what every bus trip to the city should be of a morning. Pornographic pole rubbing, boobies flying everywhere.. If only the 247 could get a bit more funky, I might actually enjoy going to work for once.

We drove around the Northern Beaches, stopping at various pubs for drinking intervals, pee-breaks, and i'm sure some people were throwing up.. how could they not??

Luckily I arrived home in one piece.

Catching a bus will never feel the same again.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

My New Lie

You know what's boring about parties?? being yourself. I'm sooooooo boring. I bore me. Same old shit, same job, same mundane life as everybody else... or am I?????????????

I think from now on i'm going to tell people that I meet at parties that I am ...

Baz Luhrmanns Niece

"Hi! nice to meet you, what do I do??? nothing really, i just hang around, you know.. i'm Baz Lurhmans niece.."

Prove me wrong! Prove me wrong!

It's not that hard to imagine.. he's from the country, probably has a few sisters... i could be one of those sisters children!! too easy.

"yeah we have a huge ballroom in my grandads farm.. lots of red curtains.. that giant elephant from Moulin Rouge! I don't really notice any of that stuff though these days, its just a regular day hangin out with Uncle Marky"


It's feasible...if you're an idiot.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Erghhh Surfers

Point 1 - get a job
Point 2 - no, I dont want to come down to the beach to 'watch you surf'
Point 3 - other clothes besides billabong exist
Point 4 - shampoo

anyway - what's really getting on my goat about smelly gross surfers lately is their ongoing commitment to being eaten alive by a shark. There have been a few attacks around Sydney's beaches lately, two guys had their leg chomped on, one guy lost a hand, and you know what they always say when they're being wheel-chaired out of the hospital.


"yeahhh fuckin ay! goin surfin agin tomorrow mate"

you. are. retarded.

I hope next time the shark has better aim and bites your whole leg off rather than just a few lacerations.

I don't care if you surf, or if you get eaten by a shark, that's your choice, but maybe surfing at night is a bit dumb?? considering that is when sharks are their most frisky. And then to complain about the govt not doing enough to protect beaches.. so what should we do?? have round the clock helicopters? ooh go the environment!

Then some jerks get on their boat and go catch a shark in the harbour. What did this shark ever do to you?? did it have a sign on it saying "i ate that guys hand". Wrong. The ocean is the shark's environment, if you go in and you get eaten, well that sucks for you.

It's not a who has the biggest balls contest, if you see a 2-meter shark swim under your board, it's perfectly understandable to say "not goin out again! just shit me pants" rather than going "yeah the swells not big enough ay"

Pick your places to be a hero.

Surfing the net - cool
Surfing with a white pointer - not cool

Monday, March 02, 2009

Worst Sunday Ever

Sunday Morning.... had been out the night before partying down, upside down on a pole, stealing cupcakes at midnight, got home in the wee hours, woke up late, went to the gym, came back for a shower.. ahhhhhh relaxing.

Nude. Walking around the house getting dressed. Put a bathrobe on as to not be seen in the nuddy by any neighbours with binoculars. Gave Lenny a hug.. started playing Hide n Seek with the cat.. when I feel this strange feeling on my arm.

A crawling feeling.

A decidedly many legs on my skin feeling.

Cue the screaming: GIANT FUCKING HUNTSMAN SPIDER CRAWLING ALL OVER MY BODY.

We have a Huntsman Spider infestation in our apartment. Maybe it's because we are high up in the trees, maybe they just like our interior decorating. Either way it's not uncommon to see one or two of these fuckers scampering around on our roof at least once a month.

Exhibit A:

Gross.

So so so gross.

I screamed so loud.. I ran around screaming. I jumped up and down screaming. I ran back into the only safe place I could think of, the shower, and stood on the rim of the bathtub screaming.

Die Motherfucker Die.

They have sooooo crossed a line. Hiding in my bathrobe is NOT OK!??!?!?

It's War.

Game On Bitches.