Monday, August 31, 2009

Milan I Love You

I finally figured out what makes me inherently Australian... when you see a really nice refreshing body of water and think.. I should totally jump in that.

We are staying on the Canals of Navigli, which is in the el trendo area of Milan. For some reason a lot of people must come to Milan and not come to this area, but I can honestly say it is the fucking coolest Italian place I have stayed in. The canals were designed by Leonardo Da Vinci, and are the cleanest canals I have ever seen, the water is a glistening aqua-green, with fish and sea grass running all through it. Kudos to you Leonardo.

Milan gets a lot of shit because it is not as spectacular as Rome. Only Rome can be Rome, think of Milan rather as a fantastico City Shitty Chic. It is a bit Surry Hills-Ish, in that there is graffiti, trams, and only a couple of OTT historical jaw droppingly good buildings, but it is still great.

The Canals we are staying on are in the Navigli Quarter, which is where all the art students and trendites have moved to in recent times, they have built nice loft apartments out of warehouses along the canals and the place shuts down all the streets to have bars and restaurants open along the canal without the worry of cars coming past and running you over.

On sunday they have an antiques market on the canals where you can wander around and pick up some Salvadore Dali paintings, or some giant golden eagles, it was highly impressive and way out of my price range.

Milan is the only city where I have come across the Ultimate Happy Hour. Happy Hour consists of buying a drink for £6 then having access to an unlimited bistro with scrummy italian cuising; salami, ham, cheese, pizza, penne, meatballs, fruit... I have eaten my body weight in the buffet and haven't pooed in days. where are you crap???

The happy hour bars are all over the canal with similar prices at each one. It is fantastic.

What is not fantastic, is when you hire a car with a GPS system and the GPS breaks down. OMG I nearly had a mental breakdown. I thought we'd be living at the Central Stazione for the rest of my life, having to beg for money on the street with the rest of the gypsies and live under a bridge with a gammy leg. There is nothing worse than being in another country where you don't know where you are, where you are going, what the street signs mean, and on the other side of the road. Luckily we made it out of there alive, and are going to drive towards the Swiss Alps tomorrow.

Milan I shall miss thee. Anyone who bags you out clearly hasn't seen the side of you that I have Sure the Duomo is amazing, you can climb around on the roof and touch the marble gargoyles that took 400 years to create, but the city is about more than just amazing buildings. Happy Hour should be everywhere. I also like that the Beggar Children around here are just as happy with a slice of salami as they are with £2. You can't fault the Italians for anything.

Bellagio next.. will the GPS work?? or will I end up skinning a sheep and living in it's carcus like Bear Grylls??? stay tuned.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Wall F#ckers in Prague


I have to say I've been to quite a few nice European Cities, and Prague is probably one of my favourites. This is why.

Upon arrival in Prague we went to our hotel which is in Old Town, and if you ever go to Prague I would recommend staying in Old Town as there is everything you need and nice old buildings to make love to.

However, the Czech people are sneaky, they like to test your boundaries, they like to give you a shit room and see if you will take it or not. It only takes me two sniffs in a room to decide weather I would prefer to sleep in a burnt out car on the street, and the first room we were shown at our hotel was like this.

It clearly had been occupied by a smoker, I felt like I was getting lung cancer just by sniffing the curtains. However we went down to reception and were moved to a much nicer, fancier room. Yay for us. Although what up Europe with the twin beds ??? Two beds pushed together does not a Queen Bed Make. Fools.

Prague was about 30 degrees everyday, so my legs and boobs have a nice tan, which the locals clearly appreciated as I was getting picked up at every bar we went to, which is always nice. Mark didn't think it was that nice, but if he had the killer cleavage like me, then maybe he would get hit on as well.

There are bars everywhere in Prague. It is like the Thailand of Europe. Bars everywhere, cocktails everywhere, extremely cheap food and delicious drinks. What more could you ask for ??

Our hotel (Hastal Prague, on Hastalska) is about 3 mins from the city centre, and what an amazing site. I never knew I was horny for buildings before coming to Prague, but I nearly wet my pants at the sight of it all. Beautiful Baroque and Renaissance architecture everywhere, amazing churches, an Astronomical Clock Tower, side streets with more georgous buildings, Synagogues, The city has everything and more.

From Old Town you can walk 10 minutes over the Charles Bridge to Mala Strana, a city under the Castle which is equally impressive, plus it has a castle and an amazing church to wander around and fondle the walls and crevices.

We spent our 5 days in Prague, looking at buildings, drinking Pina Coladas, eating Goulash, and tanning up as we sat in Oasis style bars that pop up in the tiny streets as you meander around.

One thing I would highly recommend is going on a Ghost Tour around the Old Town Square, where you learn all about the dark violence that permeates through the Old Town walls, as well as capture lots of ghostly orbs on your camera like I did (I will post about the Old Town Ghosts and my orbs later)

There is a Jewish Quarter where you can enter a graveyard dating back to the 1500's, and one of the only remaining Jewish cemeteries since WWII. There is history amass in this place, and it is quite overwhelming to be in a town where even the pavement has a bloody history behind it.

We spent a day in Kastna Hora, a little town an hour out of Prague, and again... beautiful churches and buildings to make love to. If you are a building-o-phile, which I think I am, then Prague is for you. The great thing about Prague and it's towns is that it is on the UNSECO World Heritage list and was spared bombing during WWII due to its historical beauty and rich history.

Prague is just the Bomb. I didn't want to leave. Everybody speaks English and is super friendly, maybe that is because the Czech Men love The Rach, but I think everyone should come here.

We are now in Milan, and everyone we spoke to about Milan was all "why the hell are you going to Milan??" well we are staying on the Canals in Milan where they shut down the streets at night and move all tables and lounges onto the streets so the entire canals is party central. I love it here.

Prague 4Eva.. but Milan is cool too.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Referend This

When I turned 18, like that week or something, there was a government election and the Referendum to decide wheather Australia would become a Republic.

Being that I was 18 and stupid, I voted NO on Republic for the following spaz reasons:

* I like The Queen. She's a good old geezer, has a bulletproof umbrella, a nice collection of old lady dresses, and ever since the BFG she has been ok in my books.
* I like the Princes. They are hot. Why would I want to do anything to break this relationship? what if I bumped into them in a bar then they asked me what did I vote in the referendum and I said I voted for it... do you think there would be any Queens Jewels touching after that?? I think not.
*I didn't know what they would do with the currency, who would they put on the coins?? and what would happen to all our old currency?? seemed like a mega hard Too Hard Basket notion for me
* What if after we became a Republic, civil war broke out between say Queensland and the Northern Territory?? who would step in then?? the Govenor General and the Queen would be laughing at us from across the globe.

So yeah, for those reasons I voted No... but now i'm not so sure.

Why when I come to the UK and stand in the customs line, I get put in the "other" passport line with all the plebs from Mexico?

This seems really unfair. Why the hell are we part of The Commonwealth if we don't get a good passport line at the airport?? Sure we can race in relay and high-jump events in the Commonwealth Games, but when it comes to entering our mother country we get treated like criminal plebs?? This is not cool.

So if we ever had another referendum, I would see if they would make any changes to the EU passport line and if the answer was 'fools, you have to stand in the really long line where they look at you like you're up to no good'.. then I would vote YES to a Republic.

Then we could at least put our best Home & Away stars and Australian Idols on all our coins.

Friday, August 21, 2009

It's weird, but I like it.

Other countries are just weird, even though London is just a more impressive original print of Sydney, there are just weird things over here that we don't have at home;

Hair Removing Underarm Deoderant?? wtf? I brought some, so we'll see weather or not my armpit gets cancer and falls off, because what exactly is making the hair disappear?? wizardry.

Iggy Pop doing car insurance ads.. why?

East 17 music on commercials. I can't get away from East 17 anywhere I go, specially when you take the Victoria Line and the last station is Walthamstow.. that suburb is full of east end boys, and west end girls..

I went and visited Roald Dahl's grave whilst in the area, in some remote little village in Middleton. So Cute. Even the doors in the street were tiny like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Roald is buried at St Peter and St Paul Church on very nice green grounds. All we had to do was follow the other families of children to find his resting place.

One weird thing is that right next to Roald Dahls grave was one belonging to a Lorna Loopy.. wtf?? It's hard to miss the monkeys from the Twits on the gravestone. Who is this woman? she died before Roald so its just bizarre to see her grave next to his and have no idea who she is. Either she was a good friend of Roalds or she is the penultimate stalker Number #1 Fan, who can stalk her favourite writer into the next dimension.
Hope you took your giant dream catching device into the big dreamworld in the sky Roald.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Land of Beautiful People

Amsterdam is one great city. Everything there is beautiful. The streets, the canals, the buildings, the dogs, the people on bikes, everything. Why can't more cities be like this??

We stayed in a loft apartment looking over the Singel Canal. I wouldn't stay anywhere else, if you are ever going to Amsterdam, you need to stay here.

The city is made up of Canals that intersect each other and is a very romantic city, granted I haven't been everywhere yet - but this place is the best. Every canal has excellent shops, cafe's, restaurants and bars, and everywhere you look are super trendy sexy people, riding around on bikes with their long hair blowing in the wind behind them. Picturesque to the max.

At least I think it was this great, I was high the whole time.

The rest of the world needs to look to Amsterdam's drug practices. When you legalise you legitimise. I never felt scared, there were no pimps, drug dealers or anything seedy that comes with the image of the drug industry.

"coffee-shops" are easy to come by and they are clean, funky, and you can buy a variety of cannabis type products: cannabis lollipops, hash hot chocolate, pre rolled joints or grams of weed that you choose from a menu so you can control just how stoned you want to be (body/head) and where the weed you are buying is coming from (Afghanistan/Thailand/Dutch). There is nothing seedy about it, and nobody is out of control. It's the way it should be.

Magic Mushrooms are illegal now, but the new equivalent are Magic Truffles - which look like fungus covered rabbit poo which you can drink in a cup of tea. All the drugs come with instruction manuals on how to handle yourself, what to do if you start freaking out, and the shops where they are sold won't sell you a drug if they don't think you are able to handle it, and thus Magic Truffles come in levels: beginners/ intermediate/magical wizardry levels. So you feel safe the whole time that you aren't going to end up in a mental institution thinking you are an orange trying to peel your skin off. I think it would be hard to end up in a shady situation in this city.

But, the city isn't just about its tolerance to drugs, which is a very very small part of the city life. There is amazing art everywhere, incredible boutique shops - a toothbrush shop, a mens sock shop, great clothing, great everything.

Vondelpark is one place that I would definitely recommend, you can wander around and watch the bum community sort out life's situations, the peacemakers, the Heineken stealer's, Bird-Man, funky denim man who walked around for 2 hours laughing at pigeons then stole a vespa right in front of us (maybe it was his, but since when do spaced out bums drive vespas??) In Amsterdam anything is possible.

Whilst wandering around the Canals you will come across art galleries where one could purchase a Picasso/Renoir/Rembrandt .. if you had $15,000 to spare. At night the canals light up with fairy lights and is a very magical place. If I could choose to get engaged again, I would do it here.

The red light district is whatever. You walk down tiny alleyways and see lots of prostitutes in their windows. You can see a live sex show if you desire, or just walk around looking in red tinged windows.

I would definitely come back here. Prague has a lot to live up to.

Friday, August 14, 2009

No Durer Rabbits

I have been in amsterdam for 4 days. and yeah.
there are no durer rabbits anywhere.
canals high.
canals low.
i have a sic tan.
against the window.

never before have i watched
here in our loft apartment.
i care who wins.

walk walk walk
lets buy tickets
lets not buy tickets
who wants to go to antwerp anyway?
thats just more walking in another pretty city
amsterdam is pretty enough for me.

been here 4 days
mark keeps wanting to get nude
i put him off and say lets go see a sex show instead
then we just watch masterchef and get off our head.

ive seen most of what amsterdam has to offer.
but i really feel that there is more gravity
on these magical canals

i really wish that dutch guy on the canals would shut the hell up
but unfortunately I dont know how to yell "shutupayaface" in dutch out my window

i really wish i could paint ay
i have seen sooooooooooo many renoirs/rembrandts/other famous paintings
that i feel my painting skills are shit and i should have a canvas
then i would be complete

i found the worlds best sneakers. but do you think $500 is too much for sneakers??
I think that its fine. and you would wear them everyday

and that is 4 days in amsterdam.
4 more to go.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Standing Around in Another City

The first time I came to London I learnt that when the sign says circus, it doesn't mean a whole lot of smelly animals in cages/traumatising clowns. The second time, I learnt that waiting 90 seconds for the Tube is considered a lengthy wait. And the third time, I learnt that you can keep on walking even when your feet are on fire and about to fall off.

During our first week in London we have walked close to.......... 100 miles I'd say. I should enter some walkathon to cure AIDS.

We went to the town of Cambridge, which is very charming and I plan on saving a few million pounds and sending my children there.. It's very old timey and pretty much what I imagine living in the town of Hogsmeade would be like...(if the town of Hogsmeade had a M&S and a H&M on every corner) We caught the super fast train out there which was like the Hogwarts Express, and saw some very fancy school grounds where Dumbledore would look right at home walking around in.

Art Galleries in Sydney are shit house. Art Galleries here are amazing. We were walking around Cambridge and decided to go into the Gallery (which is free) and saw paintings by Renoir, Monet, Picasso... it's just insane. We saw the picture of the famous lady, who I mainly know of references from the Schweppes commercial. I was hoping if I stood around long enough someone would offer me some lemonade.

However, we got completely lost on the way home from the beautiful historic town of might think in such a beautiful village it would be hard to find the ghetto, but trust me, we found it. We walked around for at least an hour getting more lost and afraid with every never ending street we walked up, that I actually had to think.. "hmmm what would Bear Grylls do??" well Bear would have scaled a building a turned a sheep inside out, but we weren't at that stage yet. Luckily we made it out of there alive.

Mainly though we've been hanging around London Zone 1, and I have spent many hours hanging on street corners in the trendy suburb of Soho. It is summer in London so it's hard to figure out what to wear during the day, cos you think "come on.. it's London.. how hot can it get?" well it got hot enough that I considered walking around in my underpants and buying an ill-fitting impulse buy singlet with Madonna on the front.

Being that it is summer there is a lot of stench around, walking around Leicester Square there are lots of drain smells emanating around the place, where you have to have a reality check for a second. "am I in Bali??" no.. still London, but it doesn't help with guys riding rickshaws around the place either.

All in all, on our first week here we have covered a lot of ground; Buckingham Palace, Piccadilly Circus (no animals) Kensington Gardens, White Cliffs of Dover, the line to Greenwich, and found many suburbs that we'd like to live in. It's also exciting to go to various overseas supermarkets, so I have spent many hours walking around Waitrose and Sainsburys. Supermarkets in another country is about as exciting as it gets for me.

Most importantly though, I have learnt on this trip just who Stuart Broad is:
Stuart Broad is hot, and he plays cricket. And cricket is one of the most boring sports in existence so it's good to have a reason to look at the screen every now and then.

So next up: Amsterdam, more historic buildings, cliff faces, and parks, basically places you would avoid like the plague unless you were on the other side of the world on holidays.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Horrible Man

You know when you board a plane and you're thinking "please I don't want to sit next to the freak"

There are different types of people that you don't want to be stuck next to on the plane:

The Screaming Baby: Not technically the baby's fault, but it's no fun for anyone - the mother included.

The Alcoholic: who falls asleep on you and makes you drunk by proxy by breathing in the fumes that waft off them

Planes generally aren't the most amazing place to be, horrible air conditioning, crampy seating, armrest wars.. but we put up with it - cos how else are we supposed to travel the world??

When we checked in for our flight we found at that we were separated?? which is really dumb being that we booked our tickets together and we are married. In what world does that mean they would give us separate seats.. however we decided we would just sweet talk the person sitting in between us and make them see the sense in letting us be together, otherwise that flight would have been real uncomfortable for that person with us leaning all over them and passing Jaffa's back and forth.

So we boarded the plane and made evaluations of every person who walked our way - weather or not we would be happy with them sitting next to us for 23 hours... there were plenty of nice looking 20 year olds to choose from. I need not tell you that my heart leapt out of my throat when we saw Horrible Man meandering towards us.

Please not him. Please not him.

Of course it's him and he sits down right next to us.. arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Horrible Man was just Horrible. He clearly hung out in some seedy RSL every day of his life smoking 30 packs of cigarettes and downing the drinks. Bulbous Nose. Socially Inept. Boundary Issues.

Horrible Man didn't speak English, as far as we could tell. He spoke fluent Horrible, which is akin to something an Orc would speak "arrghhhh yaahhhhh aahhhh arghhhhhh ehhhh" (translated: who knows? but he did Orc speak at us during our meals when he decided we were done and wanted to grab food off our trays)

So So So Gross.

However - Horrible Man, didn't limit his horribleness to just us. He had issues with the Sleepy Man putting his chair back to sleep - and behaved like a 5 year old by kicking the seat, kneeing the seat, and practically punching the seat to get his point across. Sleepy Man and Horrible Man got into an altercation (obviously) and Horrible Man was thankfully moved to another part of the plane.

Horrible Man was horrible to the ladies he was moved next to (he was not happy) then when we boarded to do our second leg of the trip he was Horrible to everyone around him, so that he was eventually sitting alone because no one wanted to be near this douche. Wow.

The crazy part is, that Horrible Man is such a douchey illiterate knob, that he wasn't even supposed to be sitting next to us in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!! He just got to our row and sat down!! So we had 4 hours of Horrible Man that we didn't have to put up with in the first place.

Damn You Horrible Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But Yay. London.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Possum Punk

To be honest, i'm not very pleased about this situation... (drumbeat)
There's too many possums using my room as a destination..
Get out of my Room!
Get out my Room Yeah!
Get out of my Room!
Get out of my Room Yeah!
Get out of my Roooooom Yeahhh Yeah Yeahhhhhh Yowwwwweeehhhhhhh!

Perhaps there is some sort of Marsupial based "flight centre" run by the sugar gliders, and my sunroom is up there as the Hottest Destination right now.. I really don't see the appeal, unless being surrounded by carpet, tv wires and being chased around the sunroom with 2 squealing humans armed with pink towels is appealing to them??