Friday, July 31, 2009

Excitement Levels: Astronomical

I'm not gonna lie. The past 3 months of my banal existence have been BORING.

Grade A. Kill Yourself Boring.

Most days are spent trying to figure out ways to while the time away.. don't want to get up too early, cos then there's more hours of the day to fill... then going to the gym, going to buy groceries and surfing the net or reading a book till 2am, and then the whole sordid mess starts again!! Bloody painful it is.

I really detest not working. Sure it's nice to not have to get out of bed before 10.30, but really, these are the days of my life when I should be kicking ass.. licking ass and getting business cards and corner offices with floor to ceiling glass windows. I'm gonna be 30 in a year, I can't spend my last year of my 20's as a goddamn ornament on the couch!!

BUT! I haven't been able to get a job cos I'm going on this dang holiday. Stupid Holiday. Getting in the way of my career. I haven't been able to get any full time job cos they just laugh me out of the place

"yeah, alright I'd love the job but.. umm.. I'll actually be going away for a couple of months within the first month of working that ok"

"get out of here devil child!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Not that this actually happened, but I can imagine that's what would happen, and rather than partake in such an awkward scenario, I've just been avoiding applying for jobs altogether.

I could have applied for casual jobs in the meantime, but truth be told... I'm probably to spaz to get any of those job.. Bag Groceries!!! I can't bag groceries!!! I can't even figure out the change of $3.50 out of $10 note without a calculator!! Pffft. No way. I am way to stupid for that.

Or am I??

I went across the road into the new shiny supermarket and they have these new 'self serve' areas - which truth be told - wtf are they there for?? There's still some poor lady who has to stand guard, as humans aren't the most honest bunch of beings on the earth are they?? What a crap job.. I'd still do it though.

Anyway -so we have these self serve things that I've never seen before, feeling like I'm in a futuristic episode of the Jetson's, and to my amazement... I can scan and bag groceries!!!! Truth be told I wouldna done it if I didn't have 15 hours up my sleeve, but seen as how I've got all the time in the world to fuck this up, I'll have a go, luckily.. I didn't. It went off smoothly. I even used the vegetable index to find my 'mushroom cups loose' per KG pricing. I thought you needed a degree for this shit.

So now!!! I am definitely going to apply for jobs bagging groceries, cos one time = 2 years in resume speak right?? Yess.

My only qualm would be that the bagging groceries uniform is a hideous leaf green, which does nothing for my complexion.

Interestingly enough - the self serve Jetson's phenomenon has been around for yonks in Europe... I'm glad I saw it before I left before making a right eejit of myself going around London in my first week

"OMG you have to see this!! It's a self scanner.. amazing!!!!!!!!!!! Let's take photos of this mystical and technologically advanced machine to send to those backwards heathens at home.. at least now we know what they're doing with their budget at NASA.. "

That would have been embarrassing. That's not to say I won't find it exciting when I'm there still, and will make people take photos of my scanning my goods like a Big Girl. But at least now I know better than to wet my pants with excitement.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Excitement Levels: High

I am leaving for Europe in 5 days. I have been packing in my head for the past week, and finally begun the physical act of packing.. and re-packing.. and un-packing.. and mentally wearing the outfits that are packed.

I've been to the bank many times, namely to exchange my money for Pounds & Euros.. wow. talk about depressing.. $10K later and I have less than half of that to take with me, and this is during a peak exchange rate season. Remind me next time to go to Thailand where I can live like a king on $15 a day.

Not only that, but because I just exchanged 10 Bones I've been stooging and living on the 'Viet-Cong POW Diet' for the past few weeks: brown rice and a small can of tuna.. cheap! but also probably good for you in the long run. I don't see what all those POW's were complaining about. On one of my many trips to the bank, I took in my giant tin of spare change and broke the change counting machine, however I scored $70 out of that tin! so in your face... povo lady (me)

When I first started this blog it was to document my travels around the world in 2005. I can only wonder what this trip will bring the blogs of note that will follow.

Living like a local in London..
Whatever happens in Amsterdam..
Being overwhelmed by the beauty of Prague..
Having a huge argument and considering a divorce on the drive from Milan to Bellagio..

Ahh so many sites to see, so many reasons to fight on the plane.

Luckily though, this time I am fully aware of the gypsy scams and they way they'll try to get you to buy a rose at some pretty 400 year old building.. not this time buddy!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Possum Outbreak

Ok, this is getting just a little bit ridiculous.

We found another possum in the spare room. This time hiding under the comfort wonder known as the 'love sac'.. the Love Sac is a bean-baggy type thing that cost us $600 that we thought would be nice to sit in whilst reading in the spare room. It's pretty much just where Lenny sleeps during the day, so it's nice to know that our money was well spent.

Possums it seems are also partial to Love Sacs... I would be too - wouldn't a nice Microsuede Love Sac be leagues better than say a ratty old tree branch?? I believe so and the influx of possums in the spare room will back my insane theories.

Don't think we can't see you!!!!!!!!!!! Trying to blend in with the carpet "what?? I'm just a piece of possum shaped carpet....." nice try possum.

I do have to wonder though.. How the f$# are they getting inside?? and how long have we been living with a fricken family of possums in the spare room for??

Not that I'm complaining, after having a Huntsman Spider infestation for the past few years, I would much rather a furry marsupial outbreak any day.

We took this possum (who knows how many others there are hiding around the place??) and put him in his rightful place, outside in a tree.

Don't think you can just mooch off us Possum! There might be a recession, but my spare room is no refuge for down and out possums!!! This ain't Martin Place!! Go beg for spare change somewhere else.

You are adorably cute though... Oh Ok, the whole family can move in, just leave your nits at the door.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Possums in the Spare Room

A while back, we had an incident wherby a Possum, snuck in through the kitchen blinds and decided to set up camp in a dirty saucepan in our sink.

Needless to say, I was excited... Mark (the girl) was scared and thought it would rip our eyes out if we got too close, and didn't understand my first priority, being - take a photo of the possum in the saucepan, cos that is only likely to occur once in a lifetime.

SO.... this time, when we found a possum in the spare room, I was the at the ready with the safety of a dressing gown, and a camera.
ooooooooooh how cute!! sif that little guy would do anything except want to snuggle all night??

The only question remains... how did he get in there?

Is this the same possum from the kitchen from months ago?? because technically we never saw the possum leave as we were too busy arguing about the appropriateness of taking a photo over say - surviving a rabid possum attack.

And yet - here he is.... hanging in the spare room like he owns the place - he was probably about to watch some sex & the city and get on facebook before we interrupted.

There is no way he snuck in through that tiny crack from the only open window. It's a mystery. You would think we would have noticed a possum meandering down the hallway, but I guess not.
Luckily this time, I opened the window for him and witnessed him sideways climbing on a ledge away from the building using his magical possum toes that can cling to anything.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Cat Spew on the Carpat

So, today I spent two hours waiting around Centrelink, only to be laughed out of the place because my husband makes too much money for me to claim anything... when did we start shitting gold bricks?? I must have missed that.

I will never get any money, even if I was studying full time.

I would however get money if I was a widow/divorced/married to a prisoner just released from prison.

Such great options.

I wonder if it would have made a difference if I had greasy hair tied into a knot with my tracksuit pants tucked into my ugg-boots, which I consider to be "Centrelink Chic" after seeing so much of that hot look go down around the place.

Then I get home and Lenny has spewed all over the carpet.

What is with cat spew?? it's never quite digested, and from afar - looks a bit like poo.

Here's a punk song for ya:

I love cleaning spew off the carpet
It's like poo but its kinda not
You better run cat
Cos I love cleaning spew off the carpet

(FYI - if you sing 'Carpet' with a quasi-british accent 'Carpat' it totally rhymes with Cat)

Monday, July 20, 2009

Cuisine for Cats

About 10 months ago, I did some market research on cat food. Tasted Horrible. Nahhh just kidding, they actually wanted Lenny's opinion on the stuff, which is kinda hard, cos at best I can only say a few key phrases in Burmese, including "get off my head" and "i already fed you stupid" so how we were going to assess Lenny's likes and dislikes pertaining to different varieties of cat foods was beyond me.

But they were paying $100 and I don't look a $100 gift horse in the mouth very often (what does that even mean???)

In order to earn the $100 which we would be putting into Lenny's University Fund, we needed to do quite a few things... first up; keep a diary for one week - including all the food he ate, the times of the day he ate and any activities we spent doing together... so weird.

It just so happened that that particular week was one where I was going out after work and getting home at 1am and feeding Lenny a bag of shredded cheese before falling asleep on the floor wrapped up in Lenny's hair covered blanket (I was unsure if this would come under the 'activities we do together' section??)

I also had to allow some chick from the market research company to follow me around the supermarket whilst I brought cat food and other items "as naturally as possible" and then she would come home with me to discuss cats and cat food.

Well I don't have to tell you that the shopping with some weirdo marketing chick noting your every move was a bit weird.. first you meet up outside at the designated place, looking for someone in the outfit they'd described to you over the phone. It was like a date - except there would be no talking and the person would get to watch you pick out a variety of tinned cat food and some juice/raisin toast and bananas... Awkward..

It's really hard to 'act natural' when you're being followed around by somebody with a clipboard. Even though I was told to 'shop like she wasn't there' I still felt I had to perform good. Nobody wants to shop with me in my natural state, as I shop like a schizophrenic, running from aisle to aisle at each end of the store. I shop by remembering things I need, not going up and down aisles looking at items like a normal person. It can take me 30 mins to buy 6 items, specially when I do about 3 false starts at the checkout when I remember something else I need and have to run back around the store to get it.

So I shopped like I had someone else's brain in my head.. picking up the different tins of cat food and reading the back (like I ever do that?!! what am I looking for? the amount of calories?? pfft) eventually settling on about 6 different varieties that I know my cat likes, and pretending to buy some other crap so the shop would seem like a more natural experience, then we went to the checkout...

It gets weirder.. because I was coming home from work, I was catching the bus, so when I usually finish going shopping I walk home (takes about 5 mins) but I didn't think the clipboard lady would appreciate the Real Shopping Experience with me if she had to drive to my house then wait outside for me to get there.. so I got in the car with her.

What do you talk about with someone when you've just been followed around and critiqued on your shopping prowess in the tinned pet food section? I just wanted to be home, where it would be awkward, but I'd be in my own environment. Being in someone else's car is always weird, specially when you get into someones messy car and they make a big deal of shoving the mess from the front seat into the backseat, like you wont realise they live like a slob the rest of the time when no one sits in the passenger seat.

We came home and this is when it was Lenny's chance to shine, and also contribute something to the $100 that was technically his. We had to 'play natural' which he was having none of, as cats know things like this when they are being forced to perform. He sat and stared at me like I was a retard as I dragged a string around and threw mousies up and down the hall.

Clipboard Lady then asked me a million questions on Lenny's eating habits, when he eats, what flavours he eats, does he have a favourite brand?? and what weird things does he eat?? well Lenny is a weird cat - he eats lots of weird things...

I think the whole purpose of the market research was to pick the brains of people with weird cats with strange taste pallets. So I suggested they come out with a Cheese Flavour, Taco Mince flavour, and Meat Pie flavour..

10 months later and I'm shopping in my natural state in the pet food section and wooo what do I see?? new varieties of tinned cat food!! BUT!!! they did not take my ideas into consideration??!!!

There is no taco mince flavour. There is a 'fish and rice' flavour? that is lame. what kind of 3rd world Balinese cat eats rice??

All that awkwardness for nothin!

Although it was nice to have Lenny bringing in the bacon for once! Considering he now owes us $2500 for his brush with death vet bills, he better hope there's some kind of 'live cat drawing class' he can pose for to earn that money back. Or he'll get a chasing around the house with the vacuum!! he hates that.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Ode to Brown Cars

Where have all the brown cars gone?
I long to see one parked on my lawn.
So ugly on the eyes,
You've all gone to the big carpark in the skies.
Where did you all come from??

I haven't seen a brown car in forever.
They are like an extinct race... Dodo's, Sperm Whales, and Brown Cars.

Brown Cars were HUGE in the 80's. Everyone had them. Chevy Chase, 80's Texas Oil Tycoons, Al Bundy.. but these days.. nothin.

Why did the brown cars die out?? I would love to drive an old piece of shit poo coloured car around. It'd be diferent wouldn't it? Red?Blue? soo boring.

If 1980's spandex clothing can make a comeback, then Brown Cars should too. Who's coming to the rally?? 11am (cos I like to sleep in) at my house tomorrow. We'll make signs and watch The Young Ones on VHS in the spare room.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Fugly Potter

Erghhh I'm just really annoyed that Daniel Radcliffe is such a big fugly herman munster head.
How are they going to pull off Harry being all tall and fighting off Voldemort in the 7th Movie ??? He looks about 4 feet tall. Why would Ginny the smokin red-head look twice at this dweeb?? it just doesn't make any sense to me.

It's a shame that you don't have a mirror into the future in a casting session, so that when you cast the awkward 11 year old, you can see if he's going to end up a friendless virgin when he's 17 and therefore not going to pull off the role of Hunky Harry Potter.

Not that J K Rowling ever went into details of Harry's Hunkiness but it would be really good if they could replace him with Chase Crawford or Zac Efron in the final installment.

Boo You Daniel. Maybe they'll have to do the 7th movie as Pantsless Potter, then we'll have something good to look at when they are whinging their way through the forests looking for Horcrux's.

It's time to Die.. Ryan

In exciting stalker news: Nummy Num Num Ryan Reynolds will be in Sydney as of January next year..

This gives me a few months at least to get the city booby trapped. And when I mean booby trapped I will be lining the streets with naked boobies in order to drag him down into my dungeon where I will do unspeakable things to him; like grate cheese on his chest, and do ye olde style laundry on his abs.

Mmmm the city is going to have to get some sort of street cleaners on the payroll for the months that he is in town on account on the trails of slime that will be leaked all over the place.


Thursday, July 09, 2009

The Big Jalan Jalan of Life

Have you ever been to Bali?? its a really nice but really scummy place all at the same time. I really dig the tropical holiday vibe, but at the same time when I look back at my behaviour with the sellers who were peddling their wares on the beach I get a little embarrassed.

I remember during the war in East Timor, I went on a holiday to Bali, and being that there was a war on, everything was really cheap -so you could really haggle the price down on something even if you didn't want it and have no interest in following through on a purchase. I think I reduced a guy to tears on a wooden elephant. "pfft poverty.. ??? me rich white woman. want elephant. jalan jalan"..

Jalan Jalan means walking away or walking walking.. I'm not really sure.. but they would freak out and sell you the elephant for cheap if you threatened to Jalan Jalan. Today is my birthday and I have spent 29 years Jalan Jalaning through life. Got a stupid job?? Jalan Jalan. Someone pissing you off?? Jalan Jalan. Luckily these days through my years of wisdom I have learnt not to scam the 3rd world country junk sellers. I am growing up! What sort of present would you buy someone to celebrate the big 29?? How about this:


Is it a broccoli that is also an iPod?? Maybe it scares off other broccoli's from entering the premises, because let's face it - Broccoli is the jihad of the vegetable kingdom. I haaaaaate broccoli. Luckily now I have one of these.. things.. I will always be reminded of my broccoli hatred, just in case I forget and go to make a broccoli sandwich in the middle of the night or something??

Jalan Jalan on you Broccoli.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

KillaKanga Wine

Over the weekend I went on a wee trip to the Hunter Valley, land of cheese, fresh air, and roadkill.

We stayed at a cabin which would be an excellent hideout if you were in the Witness Protection Program. The cabin had a fireplace which let me tell you - would keep me occupied for days if I was stuck inside. And if you're gonna have a fireplace the next thing you need is marshmallows (check) and a variety of board games.

Have you ever tried to play a board game when you're really stoned?? it's impossible. We would sit and read the instructions for 10 mins each, then decide it was too hard and play our own version of what we think the game should be. Even under normal circumstances games are hard. I think a great game would be one where whichever team figures out how to correctly play the games - wins.

I often wonder how do the winery people come up with the names of their wines, no one wants to drink a wine with a bad name, and a good name is sometimes all that is needed to decide to go inside.

I was thinking of these:

KillaKanga Wines: named after the killer kangaroo that jumped out at us whilst we were driving along a dark desolate road at night.

Nuclear Rock Wine: named after the pile of rocks that was on the road, and the subsequent army trucks that appeared on the scene. Does a pile of rocks really deserve the Men in Black? the only thing we could think of where that they rocks themselves were Nuclear or Space Rocks.

Dessert Gnocchi Wines: when only a plate of Gnocchi will hit the spot.

Stealth Olympics Wines: named after the team of waiters at Margans restaurant who quickly cleaned up a nasty spillage within 5 seconds, we didn't even realise we had a spillage till after it had disappeared. Quick like the Wind.

Comfy Pants Wines: I was devastated when I realised I didn't pack my comfy pants and had to wear mark's pants which looked terrible. Devo! Imagine drinking your comfy pants wine in comfy pants?!

Nitty Gritty Wines: named after the 'relationship' game we played which if you get the questions wrong - pretty much points to getting a divorce. Talk about pressure.

The Dutch Oven: wines where you can smoke a doob in the car, and drink wine at the same time.

Now the only questions is what do I do with my bag of leftover marshmallows. If they aren't charred from the fireplace. I don't want them.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

We're Number One!!!... well almost

so, in the family I married into, there are 3 brothers. I bagged the middle brother (who is rife with middle child issues.. but that's ok - cos that balances out my only child issues so its a good match)

Anyway, we have always been Number 3 in the rank of things, which kind of sucks, but you get used to it. Proof of our Number 3-ness.

The Number One's were the golden children - because they had babies. My mother in law is baby crazy, like would probably steal a kid from a park if she thought she could get away with it. The Number One's had two baby boys, moved into a house, and lived a very wholesome life; church, baby showers, petting zoos, christenings..... the whole nine yards of a wholesome god-fearing family that have angel wings. The Number One brother can build things, like decks, out of wood. Mark can't even put a freedom furniture wardrobe together without having an aneurysm. In the words of Juno "they were golden.. man"

The Number Twos were the second runners up in the wholesome family stakes; the wife came with a 7 year old, then they procreated their own, brought a house, had family cook-offs, church goers, and lived the happy family life out with the Number Ones in wholesome suburbia. Although the brothers wife is kinda Iraqi or something, so they get put in Number Two position just because you can't trust those crazy Iraqis.. "ooh happy birthday, here is your bomb cake.." ***does shifty eyes***

So that leaves us in the position of Number 3. It's not so bad being number 3 - I mean you might get the worst Christmas presents out of the group ie: "iPods all round, except for you number threes, here is an old fondue maker that's been on top of the fridge for 15 years.." But at least people don't expect much from you. We don't have babies, we don't own a place, we don't go to church, we don't know our nieces and nephews birthdays, but its ok, we are the deadbeats but we are already number 3 so we can't go any further down the lineage.

But we can go UP!!

The Number One's have been pushed off their pedestal!!!!!! Obviously the Number Two's are moving up a notch, but that means so do we!!!!!!! Yesssss. That means now we will get an inheritance... people will be interested in our stories when we tell them we are going to Europe rather than going on a family holiday to Warner Bros Movie World, marks mum wont look at me with disgust and disdain in her eyes when she sees my empty and superfluous womb. No more fondue cookers!

Shame that our ascension has to come on the tails of a nasty divorce, but it feels good up here being Number 2. The people look like ants. Now I can only hope that the New Number Ones take a trip to Iraq and the brother is held hostage like in that Sally Field movie Not Without My Daughter and has to escape by Camel and kill it and drink the fluid from its belly and hide out in its gut in a sandstorm. (I might not have a kid or go to church, but you can learn a lot from watching Man vs Wild)

Then we will be Number One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!