Thursday, May 28, 2009

Going to Hell

I actually do like Jesus - or the idea of a man called Jesus.

He must have been a very charismatic guy. Definitely knew how to related to people, could throw a decent party with all the fish and wine you'd ever need. He could heal your wounds, and run across the lake if you needed something. He wasn't a judgemental man and was open-minded about almost everything.

He was probably a bit whiffy from his bohemian homeless person lifestyle, but i'm sure that Jesus Sweat smells better than the finest perfumes across all the land..
(note to self.. make perfume called Jesus Sweat)

All in all, I dig jesus. I like his style.

What we really need to get to the root of, is the worlds most exciting unsolved mystery;

Who was Jesus' Dad ??

(Biological Dad)... On the one hand you've got Joseph (not it) and then there's God (beardy man who sits on a cloud)

Unless there was reallllllllllllly low fog around Bethlehem one day, I really don't see any physical possibilities of making love to a cloud. No matter how horny and alone you are - fog is just not going to cut it in any way.

So who was the mystery lover?? Some desert dweller? An ex-boyfriend? Cleary he was someone that Mary could not bear the thought of mentioning his name again, so opted for the road less travelled "magic baby" story.

The "magic baby" story just would not fly these days. Once you pull of the greatest 'magic baby' scam in history - anyone who follows in your footsteps is going to want to produce a pretty amazing kid to have that story believed.

You can't have a 'magic baby' and have that kid who never moves out of home who sits around taking apart radio transistors all day long, eating microwvave burritos, and dating on the internet. That just won't do.

They need to send in someone who can get the job done

Matthew McConaughey is a man who can get things done (shirtless) also if you look at his resume, he has good mystery solving skills (Sahaha/Fools Gold) Yes this is the man for the job. He can roam the lands in his khaki shorts with his bong and bongos, trying to solve the greatest mystery of all time and probably making some 'magic babies' of his own as he travels through villages searching for answers.

Dan Brown I think I just found your next book. Where's my cheque??

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