Thursday, April 16, 2009

Whore School

Ever wondered what it would be like to be a stripper? like reallllllllllly wondered?? I have. I wonder all the time. I wonder if its totally awesome. I wonder if they make millions and become GUESS models, and have songs written about them by rockstars.

Who can listen to Warrant's 'Cherry Pie' without wanting to rip their top off?? It's like a stripper anthem. However, if you thought you'd make a good stripper just because you can gyrate your way around a kitchen, you would be in for a huge eye-opening experience if you went to 'stripper college' (read: went to a stripper workshop on your day off because lets face it, the couch gets tedius after 10 days)

Strip Clubs with daytime lights on.. not so sexy.

A strippers time is spent in 15 minute increments. There's 7 hours to fill, and you don't make any money for showing up for your shift. you make what you earn in shows and tips, and the club takes 30%.

I thought this was a high end joint where you'd stand around in cute outfits and maybe get your tasseled nipples out at some stage but no, its complete nudity. flaps n all, and there is a lot of law-abiding when it comes to getting your flange on display.

One of the stupider laws was you can't leave the club with someone (unless its another stripper) because you could be soliciting. So that means you have to leave the club, in the dark, in the middle of the night, and walk alone to your car/cab.. yeah good plan!! Did a serial killer come up with that law??!!

Anyway - of our group of potentials, there were 6 of us, two who had clearly done this before and the rest of us (me) whose eyebrows leaped off their head halfway through the induction talk (tampons!! you cut the string off tampons so you can strip in the nude!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!)

One girl had to leave when she realised if you wanted to work there you'd be getting the pink taco out. And the rest of us fumbled our way through the whore routine.

One thing that did upset me, was that you don't get to choose the songs you dance to. How annoying.. all these years imagining myself whoring it up to madonna, well now that bubble has burst!

My favourite part of the tour was the 'shower room' - where the girl gets naked in the shower and .. showers.. they even have loofers and shower gel, and the guys watch on a couch behind the glass. That doesn't seem to disgusting. who doesnt like to shower?? I wonder how sexy it would be to watch a girl shaving her pits, or holding the faucet like a dick and pretending to go to the toilet. This would be my area of choice if I was a stripper. Shower-Room, don't have to talk to anyone, and clean yourself.. (plus at $140 for 15 mins, whose complaining?)

Tricks of the Trade: apparently it can get really painful rolling around on your knees in 15 min increments, so one should always bring a nice furry sheepskin rug to roll on. How does one dance and look sexy and carry a rug at the same time??

Noone knows who you are. Your real name. Your real identity. Not the other girls. Noone. I would have a hard time with this, because you have your stripper identity "candee" and then your pretend identity that the other girls in the club and preferred clients know, and then the real you.. how the hell can you keep track of so many identities?!?! I'd be 'Eva' - the coma victim who woke up 6 months ago and has no identity, and is stripping to pay off the medical bills.

I learnt its all about the lies, all about creating a fantasy, and getting as much money out of the customer as possible. Which I always knew, I just didnt realise it was so cold. Surely in Pretty Woman, Vivienne is having a good time with Richard Gere? she's not just there for the money! right?!! right!! I always thought strippers had secret hearts of gold, but just like Brett Michaels says - never fall in love with a stripper.

They didn't tell us anything about what the guys do with their boners though, they said there is no touching allowed, but they didnt say there is no 'lipsticks' allowed. I couldnt handle that. No way.

I learnt a lot today. I learnt more than mere mortals should know about the tantalising world of stripclubs.

Next week: the army.

4 comments:

( . )( . ) said...

That was actually a really interesting read!!!

Anonymous said...

I grew up with a mom who 'worked' - there is nothing really glamerous about the business at all, its all about the cash...

Sarah said...

I know a lot about strip clubs (at least Brisbane ones... the girls get 50% here, not 70%- a total rort compared with other states), but I'm totally ignorant of what 'lipsticks' means!?

Anonymous said...

I worked as a stripper
(i'm a guy)
the girls always want to see you erect.
early on that was no trouble
after a few months it all became normal and I couldn't get it up.
did have an honest to goodness school girl blow me at a party once tho - nice memory
still wack to that
not that grous I was only a year out of school myself but she was still in uniform