Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Secret Diary of Joaquin Phoenix


Dear Diary,
God I am good-looking... like realllly good looking, stupidly talented... I can sing, act, I'm tall, and you know what.. I'm really hot!? Jeez. It's really not fair to the other actors out there.. maybe I should quit acting?? anyway. .will have a think about something I could do instead. Perhaps I could open a bakery and press my face into the loaves before they bake and they could name a loaf of bread after me?? Joaquin-Bread..

Dear Diary,
Been having a good hard think about what I could do rather than act, and this came to me out of the haze of smoking a gram of doobs all afternoon! I could RAP!!! seriously.. everyone knows I can sing... how hard is it to jump up and down? and when's the last time there was a good white rapper?? Vanilla Ice move over!!

Dear Diary,
I told the world I am quitting. I wrote good bye on my knuckles and everything, just to make sure they get the point. I'm so excited about my new rap career. This is gonna be sweeeeeet

Dear Diary,
hmm rhyming is hard. But i'm sure if you jump and down and wave your arms around (ooh zing! that rhymes!) people won't notice too much . "yo i was raised in a cult, and thats my mamas fault, i lived in mexico, its like really far away yo! get myself a taco..." man.. i'm gonna be huge.

Dear Diary,
Check it out. Check it out

Yeahhh and they said I this was a stupid idea.. yeah well whose stupid now??! I look awesome. Plus my new career gives me opportunities to wear cool pants like this with dick hole ventilation. No one would ever let me wear an outfit this kickass back in the old acting days. Word!

Dear Diary,
Everyone thinks my rap career is a joke?? can't they tell from my beard that this shiz is fo realz?? Speaking of my beard.. i've lost my remote control in there somewhere. I'd stick my hand it to get it out but a family of rats have made a home in there and i'm not one to interfere with nature man.. peace out.

Dear Diary,
Had a bad day today. I'd been up allll night attached to my shisha pipe when the phone rings and they tell me I have to go on TV to promote some film I don't remember doing.

The host totally gave me shit the whole time. Dunno why? I shampooed and combed my beard and everything. Haters. Wait till they hear my debut album. XOXO JP

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Keep his diary coming!!!

Funnnay.

Testy Cool said...

did you see this testicle on letterman? OK so letterman is also a testicle (perhaps king testicle) but Phoenix proved himself to be a giant pretentious spoilt goats testicle that night

Sarah said...

Man, you should do one of these every week. Joaquin Phoenix is sure proving good value lately, whether he's genuinely crazy or just faking.

Ooh, my word veri = fangs. Cool!

Jewels Diva said...

Bit of a knob ain't he!