Saturday, February 28, 2009

So you think you can get married

I love a wedding. I love when its a friends wedding even more. Last night I went to a good friends wedding, and it rates up there in my top 5 weddings.

Floating Glass Pontoon. I love foor to ceiling glass windows, combined with being on the ocean. Its a win win situation. The music was great, being that the groom has excellent taste in music, the food was so great that I couldnt breathe in my dress because I ate so much. The people we sat with at our table were great, given that we all have similar things in common and they weren't jerks who didnt want to speak to strangers.

Yet the icing on the cake (and the wedding cake was edible!!! unheard of) was that when the bride and groom did their first dance they did a choreographed routine.

First of all.. who does a dance routine!!??!! proper steps and swinging each other around.. it was awesome.

The speeches though.. I really wish I was chosen to do a speech. I had a lot to say about the groom, aren't you supposed to dish the dirt on the groom? tell how their life was in chaos before they hooked up with the bride. I wish I could have imparted some of our stories to the crowd, it would have made the evening even more special

"I remember when the groom first met the bride.. he was reeling from a break-up with my flatmate - and had been stalking her by following her home and standing under her window listening to her have sex with guys then going home and crying about it... he was in a fragile state - so I was amazed to see him at the halloween party dressed up as the Crow with white shit all over his face.. and even more amazed to see that later on in the evening, his make-up was all smudged from pashing the bride all night on that first night they officially hooked up...

Before meeting the bride though, the grooms life was fairly chaotic... getting high and breaking into the neighbours pool for a swim at 3am.. getting high and making up a dance routine with me to the foo fighters at the big day out, crying for a week when some jerk at a party poisoned his fish.... but it was all happy days when he met the bride.

Kind of.. he asked her to move in... then when she moved her stuff over concluding with her giant keyboard.. he said it was too much, and asked her to move out.. but changed his mind and asked her to move back in.. then she moved to melbourne.. and he brought an apartment.. but she kept her couch as his place..and they brought a cat - which was on antidepressants.

So it was really a shock to recive this wedding invitation, and i'm glad they have finally settled down, in the one city, in the same apartment, and will hopefully get a cat who doesnt need to be on high dosage mood medication.

To the groom!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I hate Tilda Swinton

I really really just don't like this woman. She does nothing for me

She just seems like she'd be a bitch, and she seems like she's 50% alien, and the worst thing you can come across is a bitchy alien, so yeah, i just dont want to be around this woman.

Plus she really does not rock the whole pale-skinned/red hair look.

Cate Blanchett = goddess

Tilda Swinton = 5 day old corpse left to freeze in alpine mountain range

no sir.... i don't like it

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I got my P's and I don't care

A year ago, I did the unthinkable and passed my P's test. After hours of practice, and innumerable fights, and logging hours, and driving lessons, I passed the P's test first go.

Since then I have driven roughly three times.

Once - on the freeway to Byron, I drove about 100 meters before freaking out when a truck went past me in the overtaking lane.

Second - from the ferry wharf to my house, a 2 minute trip at best

Finally - to the gym and back

hmmmm. I just don't like driving. But I do like being one of those freaks who studies really hard for a test, and passes with flying colours, only to forget everything I studied for an hour after the exam is finished.

I guess that was the challenge of getting my P's in the first place, actually being able to get them. I don't really want or need them, but I had to have them.

Luckily for society, I have no higher aspirations of getting my medical license and becoming a brain surgeon, because after those 6 years of medical school, i'd end up in the operating theatre with my tiny skull saw buzzing going "soooooooo what do we do again??"

Sunday, February 22, 2009

My New Shoes

Saturday evening I attended NIDA's 50th Birthday Party, at the NIDA premises in Kensington. They had a faux red carpet, and NIDA actors doing scenes where you picked your wristbands up from...(i love wristbands) Then you walked down a crazy walkway with exits off to a variety of themed rooms to encompass the decades that NIDA has been open. They'd put a lot of effort in, and no air-conditioning.. wtf? my fringe was having a hate-fest on my forehead the second we stepped into the 2000's....

Party Party Party, free drinks, canapes, anything that is small and on a toothpick is good eatin'. I was on constant lookout for anyone interesting. I spied with my little eye; Tom Burlinson, the chick who got her tits out in the first ep of Underbelly, The mum from 'Muriels Wedding', and lots of familiar faces from tv, film and theatre. Apparently Baz Luhrman was there but I didnt see anyone covered head to toe in glitter, but its quite possible I rubbed up against him in a passing hallway.

The entertainment for the evening was a look back at The Musicals of NIDA.. considering that noone that goes to NIDA does musical theatre (that's for the WAAPA grads) you have to wonder what peabrain came up with that idea???

The show went forrrrrrrrrrrrrever. Painful. Lucky we were sitting in the box seats at the front balcony so we could heckle the spectacle underneath us like those guys in the muppets.

Apparently the booze was put on hiatus during the pain-fest, and noone was happy about that, specially the actors.

When we were allowed to leave the theatre, we got more drinks, danced to Prince in the courtyard whilst some weird NIDA activity took place on screens around the venue, called 'Rockstars' where an actor gets up and mimes being a famous singer and pretends to be them for a song.. hey man, I do that in my kitchen everynight when I cook dinner?! where's my freakin acting degree? erghhhhhhhh NIDA....

Kate Munroe was DJ'ing in the pretend nightclub, and took the piss out of it. ABBA?! Celebrate?! jeez. It's like she put a mixtape on went backstage for a nap.

I bumped into all the peeps I had on my 'bumping into' list. Mission Accomplished. What Now?Why not go back to a friends house and get loose?

I went back to the house of my friend, who is a NIDA grad and a client, and also roommates with one of the series regulars on a Ch 7 tv show, and they were fuuucked up. In the best way possible. They kinda reminded me of Tom Cruise and James Franco, and were completely amazed that the shoes they had been trying get rid of for years, fit my feet perfectly.

Yes it was like cinderalla story. The boots that everyone had tried on, but they didnt fit anybody until I came to the apartment and they fit me perfectly, it was meant to be.

Yeah they are hot. Hot white leather converse wrestling boots. The one kind of boot missing from my life.

Thanks man!! i'll be sure to vote for you in this years Logies awards.

So in conclusion: NIDA is a place where crazy actors go to meet lifelong friends and take a lot of drugs with, anyone who made if after NIDA was great before they went to NIDA, and you might not know it, but at the end of a NIDA party you could find yourself in a tv stars apartment eating blueberries at 4am, with new shoes and a white hooker wig on. Thats just how I roll.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Secret Diary of Joaquin Phoenix

Dear Diary,
God I am good-looking... like realllly good looking, stupidly talented... I can sing, act, I'm tall, and you know what.. I'm really hot!? Jeez. It's really not fair to the other actors out there.. maybe I should quit acting?? anyway. .will have a think about something I could do instead. Perhaps I could open a bakery and press my face into the loaves before they bake and they could name a loaf of bread after me?? Joaquin-Bread..

Dear Diary,
Been having a good hard think about what I could do rather than act, and this came to me out of the haze of smoking a gram of doobs all afternoon! I could RAP!!! seriously.. everyone knows I can sing... how hard is it to jump up and down? and when's the last time there was a good white rapper?? Vanilla Ice move over!!

Dear Diary,
I told the world I am quitting. I wrote good bye on my knuckles and everything, just to make sure they get the point. I'm so excited about my new rap career. This is gonna be sweeeeeet

Dear Diary,
hmm rhyming is hard. But i'm sure if you jump and down and wave your arms around (ooh zing! that rhymes!) people won't notice too much . "yo i was raised in a cult, and thats my mamas fault, i lived in mexico, its like really far away yo! get myself a taco..." man.. i'm gonna be huge.

Dear Diary,
Check it out. Check it out

Yeahhh and they said I this was a stupid idea.. yeah well whose stupid now??! I look awesome. Plus my new career gives me opportunities to wear cool pants like this with dick hole ventilation. No one would ever let me wear an outfit this kickass back in the old acting days. Word!

Dear Diary,
Everyone thinks my rap career is a joke?? can't they tell from my beard that this shiz is fo realz?? Speaking of my beard.. i've lost my remote control in there somewhere. I'd stick my hand it to get it out but a family of rats have made a home in there and i'm not one to interfere with nature man.. peace out.

Dear Diary,
Had a bad day today. I'd been up allll night attached to my shisha pipe when the phone rings and they tell me I have to go on TV to promote some film I don't remember doing.

The host totally gave me shit the whole time. Dunno why? I shampooed and combed my beard and everything. Haters. Wait till they hear my debut album. XOXO JP


"I want my goggomobil" - A commercial catchphrase from the 90's that I shall never forget.

This weekend I am going to NIDA's 50th Birthday Celebrations. I am most excited about an Open Bar, and the possibility of running into Cate Blanchett/Mel Gibson/Baz Luhrman as they are the big guns, and also draping myself over Matt Newton and Dan Wyllie when I am shitfaced and loose later on in the evening..

I also just learnt that John Gregg - who is famous for the Goggomobile commercial, will be there. Yesssssss. He is the pinnacle of australian advertising. What could make this night better?? Except maybe bumping into the spanish cleaning lady from the stainmaster carpet commercal "ohh mr hart - what a mess!"

and here's my joke for the evening "if all you NIDA people are here, whose serving the drinks??!!"

oooh burn.

but seriously, i'm sure some of them have jobs.

Monday, February 16, 2009

How Stars Wars should have been

I like to pretend that those bad Star Wars movies don't exist. Not that I am even a star wars fan per se, but Attack of the Clones is the only movie I have ever walked out on. watching Parliament Hour on ABC would be more riveting than that garbage... anyway.. I had a dream.. a cheese dream and FYI George Lucas this would have been much more entertaining.

We open in the Senate, there are two powerhouse's. Two all powerful families, and they arrange their children Anakin & Padme to be married off and be all rich and powerful.

Years later they have an arranged marrige, but OH NO! Anakin has erectile dysfunction.

What to do? Anakin and Padme don't really like each other anyway, so rather than work through his floppy problem, Padme gets a sperm donor and gets pregnant.

But UH OH! its a girl.. and she's black. Oops.

The one thing the senate don't need right now is a black girl child running around ruining everything..

So they send her off to a far distant planet to rid themselves of the evidence.

But then Anakin gets a boner!!

And Padme is totally into it.

So finaaaaallllly they make sweet sweet love, and Padme gets pregnant again, this time with twins.. The Senate is a bit "oooh maybe we should go get that other kid incase problems arrive for us later down the track" but they can't find her.. so they use their magic time portal machine that speeds things up 6 years to see if they can find her in the future. They can't.

The senate decides then to seperate Luke and Leia and send them to opposite ends of the universe, so they never find out about their half-sister and the mess they made.

But that black girl has powers. The force.

and thats it.

Get a block of cheese George Lucas. Get a block of cheese before bed.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Jean Warfare

You know... sometimes I really can't be arsed doing things.. it takes me forever to put my laundry away, I leave RSVPing to the last minute, and I always make the man take down the garbage... but you know what I would never do??

leave a pair of fugly jeans on my co-workers desk saying you can 'have them if you want but if not can you take them to vinnies'....

um.. wtf? how fucking lazy are you??!

point one: i know these are reject jeans to the second degree, because your friend offered you the gross jeans first and you said you'd try them on, but didn't think they'd fit which is just code for "I don't want your ugly jeans"

point two: why then did you feel the need to leave said jeans on my desk with a post-it saying I could have them or take them to vinnies?? as we all know my hot tiny ass would never fit in those ginormous elephant jeans.

Hey I know its annoying to go out of your way to walk to the vinnies bin, but why would you think I would find this task any less annoying?? they aren't even my jeans that I'm donating!! suffice to say, the jeans are still in the office.

they have moved from my desk, to the other desk, to the coffee table, to the chair. I think i'll just keep moving them around to see how long I can keep them in the office for. I don't plan on ever taking these stupid jeans to vinnies.

screw you jeans!!!!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


There is really nothing worse than a disaster zone. And I really feel sorry for the people who had their lives and homes destroyed by the bushfires in Victoria this week. If the fires were intentionally lit, and they catch the arsonists, they should be burned alive.

I know this probably sounds wrong and heartless to the people who are suffering, but I always get choked up about the animals that are victims in these sorts of situations, animals cant help themselves and we need to be the ones who look after them.

So I would urge anyone who loves the furry creatures to donate to the Victorian Wildlife Bushfire Appeal... if we won't help them who will?

poor creatures. breaks my heart.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Bad Idea - The Musical

I've been working on a brief to do a recast on 'Shane Warne - The Musical'.... pfft. Granted i've never seen it, nor have any inclination, but what a piece of shit. Who thinks up garbage like that??! do they throw all their poo ideas into a giant hat and blindly pick things out??

Just because it's a musical, doesn't make it entertaining or educational.. and I should know cos i've learnt a lot of things from musicals:

Fiddler on the Roof: sucks to be a jew in WWII
Rocky Horror: you can only abuse your minions for so long before they turn on you and blast you a new a-hole with their space rays.
Oliver!: being hungry and dirty is ass, but stealing is ok.

What will we learn from Shane Warne the Musical? shane warne is a dick?? ooh revelation.

Whilst we're at it, why doesn't somebody get onto some other contemporary pointless musical ideas:

Clinton The Musical: always do your drycleaning
Hudson Plane Crash The Musical: water water everywhere and not a drop to drink
Economic Crisis The Musical: we're all fucked
Mad Cow Disease The Musical: floors and bees and cups and jeans, fleas and geese, cows and knees.

bags being Lead in all of them

Sunday, February 08, 2009


There are many things in this world I don't believe in; the easter bunny, the loch-ness monster, the grudge chick that comes out of your ceiling, and the weatherman.

The weatherman is such a lying cocksucker that I really think having the occupation of 'weatherman' should be up there with used car salesman, pediatrician gyno, and casual rapist.

They are such jerks.

Alllllllll week there have been copius news stories on the front page of the newspaper warning us about a heatwave... high 40's.. will the health system be able to cope??? keep cool, keep inside, don't die from heat exhaustion.

The worst part of heatwave hype is having to indulge people in boring heatwave talk.. "and how will you stay cool over the weekend?" i'm going to fucking camp out in front of my fridge. fuck! who cares??!

and you know what the temperature is today?? the holy hell heatwave?

26 degrees.

what the fuck?? I was expecting to be naked this whole weekend with a bag of frozen peas attached to my flaps. Whats the point now?? I'm not even working up a mild sweat. I'm wearing clothes people. Clothes.

Well fuck you weatherman.

I'm sure it's hot out west or something, but I don't live out there so it doesn't count. I'm sure they're livin it up in their spas in the driveway in the direct sunlight anyway. Get a pool already!!


Friday, February 06, 2009

Inappropriate Theatre

Last night I went to the opening of 'The Removalists' at the Sydney Theatre Co. The Removalists is an Australian play written in the 1970's, set in Melbourne.

The opening was at the STC wharf and upon my arrival I perused the crowd for any exciting celebrities to shmooze with afterwards, and I locked eyes with my old ‘sexy eyes’ buddy (in my head anyway) Matt Newton.

I had no idea what The Removalists was about, but at least it was only 90 mins long and was in regular english, so I knew I’d be able to follow what was happening for once.

The play was very funny, Sascha Horler was amazing, and I was very impressed with Danny Adcock, who was a last minute replacement over Steve Bisley, and has only been in rehearsals for a week and a half.

About 15 mins into the play, I realised that the main theme of this play is violence.. and in the spotlight.. domestic violence.

Oooh awkward… for Matt Newton.

would you really be at the opening of a play centered around domestic violence if you were Matt ‘escaped domestic violence charges against Brooke Satchwell’ Newton?

Maybe he was a consultant on the play?? and showed them the good ways to bash a woman without leaving any bruises.

After the play I had my free champagne and canapes, and hung out with other agents and ingratiated myself into a conversation with Cate Blanchett. She is stunning. An Ethereal Goddess. No wonder though, the wharf feels about a km long when you walk down it, and she is running around it all day doing her Artistic Director duties.

At the bar I bumped into Matt Newton and had a good chat about Underbelly and him playing a believable criminal...with great hair. I can see why you’d drop the charges against him. He can bash me anytime.

Thursday, February 05, 2009


Well, its been a long time to get here but I finally happy to announce that....

I am finally listed on IMDb (IMDbPro! even)


I even have my own message board. Plus apparently my star meter is up 34%. Awesome.

I am ranked 2,319,298, and there are currently 6,706,993,152 in the world, so i'm pretty up there right?!? Importance Factor to the max.

Now I feel I have the right to throw back the veal parmigana in the face of the waitress serving me because I did not order veal parmigana. who eats veal these days??

Bask in my glory bitches.

One step closer to being in the inner circle with Dan Wyllie.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Jizz Detectives

This morning on my way to work, I went to the bus-stop, but wait! what is that?? my bus-stop is gone because a BOMB WENT OFF!?!!$@@#!

fucking awesome.

Sydney has had a recent spate of ATM bombings where bank robbers blow the bank up and steal the whole ATM and make off with a few hundred thousand dollars. They have no clue whatsoever about who is committing these crimes.

I have to say, I was a little disappointed that the robbers have come over the bridge to the north shore. we dont take kindly to bank robbers roun' here. plus they are totally stepping on the North Side Bags territory. they'll get a bag of oranges at the back of the head from one of us soon if they don't watch out.

I saw a forensic team and loads of cops going through the debris looking for clues. I hope the forensic team brought their magic jizz finding machine, so they can match the jizz DNA to someone later down the track. However in order for this plan to work you'd have to hope that the robbers engaged in a group masterbatory session, and then blew the bank up.. this seems highly likely in my opinion.

Why don't they just track recent purchases of balaclavas?? who is buying balaclavas besides bank robbers and rapists these days anyway? do we sydneysiders live in the fucking Andes Mountains? no? we dont?? then we dont need no dodgy shops selling balaclavas to criminals.

Stop the Balaclavas. Stop the Crime.

I'm running for Mayor.

Who's with me???!!