Saturday, January 31, 2009

Jealous Bitches

Today I went horse-riding in Glenworth Valley.. which turned out to be the MYER of horse-riding. A billion horses, lines, dumb helmets, cashiers with no idea.. and haters.

I have been looking forward to horse-riding all week. The most important thing about any activity is the outfit you put together to mark the occasion. I had been coming up with costume ideas all week. Everybody pooh-poohed my idea to wear inappropriately tiny shorts for chaffing reasons, and a bikini and an akubra hat seemed too pornographic.

So I came up with this ensemble which seemed pretty suitable to me.

Suitable Pants, cowgirl top, pigtails, horse brooch, brown belt to match my brown suede boots.

Nothing says country to me like suede, and these boots are the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn besides slippers, so I was really quite shocked with the midget who wrangled my horse for me came up to me and told me in a very snide tone that my shoes were "in-appropriate" for horse-riding.

Hey hobbit, I know in these boots I am about twice your size, but I have worn these boots horse-riding before, the ball of my foot rests nicely in the stirrups and I dont have to worry about my foot falling out of them because my heels keep me locked in. So what's the problem biatch??

But no, she wanted me to know that my overwhelming hotness was not appreciated in fugly country horse town.

"they are stilletos! you wear them to a disco, but not on a horse, it's very inappropriate that you would wear them out here"

disco?? clearly you have never left the paddock you were born in. Besides the guy that checked me into the paddock in the first place didn't have a problem with my footwear, what's with all the sand in your vagina??

I made a vain attempt to try and reason with her that I have ridden a horse before, in said shoes, and that the heel is only 2 cm longer than her heel, besides I signed the waiver form that says if I break my neck you aren't responsible so what's the big deal? but she wouldn't have a bar of it...

She told me I had to go into the shed and wear a pair of free boots. Ugly Ugly Boots. She was so jealous of my horse outfit hotness that she took away my powerboots and made me wear the ugliest shoes I have ever seen. I had to be marched off the field with the rest of our group waiting for me like a naughty child. Humiliating.

The boots were so gross. They had dumb writing on them, which was not cool, and I hadnt shaved my legs in a week, nor fake tanned, plus I had stupid socks on. So now without my uber-cool-supermodel outfit, I just looked like a jerk on a horse. damn you jockeylady.

Anyway, we finally set off with the group. My horse was so retarded and refused to leave the side of this other horse, so I had to ride with my knee in the asshole of the bigger horse on my lefthand side. I swear they did this on purpose to me. He refused to canter, and spent the whole trip sticking his head up other horses butts.

Well I finally learnt my lesson. Don't turn up to Glenworth Valley in a carefully planned outfit for horse-riding that accentuates your sexiness, as you will be stripped down, put in your place, marched off, and forced to ride a horse that apparently doesnt speak the international language of horses and reigns..("yahhhh" didnt seem to work either) and you'll have to wear ugly embarrasing shoes, and show off your white hairy legs to the whole group.

Not Cool Glenworth Valley. Not Cool.

9 comments:

Sarah said...

"It's very inappropriate that you would wear them out here"

So, apart from passing personal judgment on your attire, did she actually give you a reason based on fact as to why your shoes were unsuitable?

kiki said...

i was wondering what happened to your tan... than you told us.

as for the shoes, the risk is small, but it's there. just like shoes with laces, your foot can get stuck in the stirrup = not pretty when fallen off + dragged

SHAZ said...

Style of shoe makes ZIP difference on horse type creatures, if they don't want u there, aint no shoe style going to help...personal experience speaking, said boots RM Williams, fallen off, foot in stirrup and dragged along...Phuck horses, give me an elephant or camel anyday! Obviously jealous redneck from deliverance with no appeciation of Daisy Duke/Ellie May!

Mark said...

It's like reading Paris Hilton's blog, except she has people to correct her grammar.
You're a whore

Rach said...

phew! finally someone gets it. thank god you're here mark.

Anonymous said...

wtf with Mark. asshole

Lol this post was soooo funny, just like all your posts are, I am jealous coz you're so funny, I wish I was half as funny as you are. You should write a book, I'd definitely buy it (or maybe I could print out all your posts n make my own so when I'm feeling down I can read it n laugh)

nat said...

"they are stilletos! you wear them to a disco, but not on a horse". What if you were going to a horse disco, midget lady?

ummm...wtf with Marks comment?

Anonymous said...

who dresses like that,to ride horses, and then gets shitty with the people who have to deal with ridiculous princesses like you...the arrogance is astonishing, plus you look like a fucking idiot :-)

Rach said...

clearly I dress like that to ride horses. The horses dig it.

I have outfits for all occassions:

riding a unicycle (fake moustache and a pinstripe suit)

spaceship - white tight tracksuit (midriff) although i'm pretty sure the oxygen helmet would get in the way

i am still looking for some blue onesies to wear to an orgy.. if I ever get invited to one that is (fingers crossed)