Monday, September 29, 2008

Songs to Crap to.

I knew if I persisted long enough I would find a use for the Most Annoying Song of All Time (Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl)

Lenman: I Took a Crap


I took a Crap, and I liked it.
It looked like a piece of Chocolate.
I took a crap, just to try it,
When you clean it, I hope you like it.

Thats bound for a number one spot on the ARIA charts..

Lars'll Getcha

Not a lot of things scare me these days... I have come to peace with the ghosts living under the bed (although I still won't sleep with one leg hanging off, just in case they get hungry), Spiders are taken care of by the boy, waking up with ugly face in the morning can be quickly cured by turning off the lights in the bathroom.. but one thing does scare the shit out of me on a daily basis.

Lars Ulrich.

When I was 18/19 ish I was totally into Napster. I downloaded hundreds of songs, and to this day I do have a limewire account and when I need that one shitty song that you just cant find anywhere, I download it. I still buy albums and I do feel bad for bands who lose lots of money to pirates (arrhhh matey) but who can be fucked trying to find: Melissa Tkautz these days??

Shut up! 'Sexy is the Word' is a great song.

However, every now and then I read a story like this and I shit my pants a little.

I half expect to get a phone call from Lars saying something along the lines of this:


RING RING
"Hello?"
Lars (Breathing Deeply) "hey fucker. look outside. you see its a nice day isn't it. you see that tree? that eucalyptus tree right outside your building? yeah. Do you see me hiding behind it? with a knife gritted in between my teeth about to come upstairs and stab you? do you see me?.. HAA just kidding... i'm not behind your tree. But I am going to fucking stab you.. stop downloading my music"

It's not beyond the realms of possibility, he is one angry little dwarf, and they put out an album what? once every 5 years.. he has plenty of time to travel the globe stabbing people who used to download songs through Napster.

So that's why every night before I go to bed I place some milk/cookies/saucepans and spoons out the front of my door, so in the off-chance that tonight's the night he's come to reap his revenge, he gets all loaded up on sugar and spends hours banging away in the hallway that he forgets what he came to do in the first place.

So far.. So good

The Best Game Ever #2

Would you rather be:

Oprah's Minge


or

Hayden Christensen's Colostomy Bag


Personally, I'd rather be Oprah's Minge.. reason being that Hayden is so full of shit, that you'd be full to the brim within seconds of his excretement. Plus I doubt Oprah's Minge is getting much of a workout these days, I dont mind the cobwebs, plus she probably only does the scissor with Gayle through pants anyway. Everybody Wins!

Except Hayden who needs to be glassed.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

the Indignity of Changerooms

I rarely ever go clothes shopping. I have items in my wardrobe that I have been wearing for the past 8 years. Clothes are so boring, they are essentially only useful against the elements, otherwise I would totally go nude. Although that would mean having to have a perfectly manicured bush all the time, and I dont think I am really down with that.

So today I went clothes shopping. Another thing in addition to the fact that I never go clothes shopping, I also never buy full price. Retail prices are for suckers. So I traipsed to the outlet shops and perused through their largely uninteresting line of winter stock.. really not what I had in mind considering the temperatures are bound to be in the 30's any day now, and whilst that huge fluffy antartica jacket from French Connection was a bargain, it was hardly what I would call a smart buy, so I moved on.

And the best place to move onto in this shopping mecca is the David Jones Warehouse... ahhh the David Jones Warehouse.... if heaven had an outlet store, it would be a golden, sky-lit David Jones Warehouse.

Inside the David Jones Warehouse are rows upon rows of clothes from your brand designers discounted to a rate of 80%... I don't care for brands, nor do I care for what is fashionable, I will never wear high-waisted jeans to my nipples, and I will never wear white pants, so I think its safe to say that I shop conservatively to my particular style and tastes.

The problem being at the David Jones Warehouse, is that because I go shopping maybe twice a year for things I get really overloaded, how can you say no to a pair of shorts if they are discounted from $300 to $40???? you can't.. and unless they are ridiculously muffin-toppy the odds are if they look good on me, i'm going to buy them..

I also hate doing repeat trips to the changeroom, so I will load myself up with ............ 30 items?? the maximum itemage for the changerooms is 4 items. This is where I get into trouble.. I didnt just spend the past 45 minutes scouring through the racks to leave my treaures for some other bargain prospecter to snatch, so I usually take them all in with me.

That is unless the clothesroom nazi is on patrol.

Todays clothesroom nazi made me hang up my 35 items and only allowed me to take 4 in with me... this is really really really annoying, because I can tell within 5 seconds of putting something on, if I like it or not.

So I went through the 4 items I had with me, in under a minute..

"ahem!" I say sticking my head out a crack to get the ladies attention... and she brings me another 4 items and I hand over the rejects.

This went on about 5 times, and now I was just standing there in the doorway in my underwear for all to see going "four more please!!"

I even stopped closing the door because it was wasting precius time in getting new items into the changeroom.

The turning point in the situation, was when I was in my knickers asking for more clothes and she's gone.. "hello! 4 more please!" and no answer.. so here I am wandering around the changerooms in my underwear like a lost mental patient trying to find my clothes...

Did I mention it was a co-ed changeroom. Yeah I bet the old pepaws were loving the show I was putting on for them. Eventually she saw me, and shoved all the clothes I had waiting for me in the doorway so I didnt have to go on anymore naked missions to get them myself.

But really? In the discount outlet invironment I think the 4 items or less rules for the changeroom needs to be revised to 4kg of items or less.

Humiliating.

I will never shop again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dr Drew I heart You

I rarely find greying old pepaws sexy, but Dr Drew.... you make me feel funny inside

Just looking at him is like a sneeze only better.

Granted he has gotten better looking with age, but you can tell from this pose that he's a cougar in the bedroom.


The best thing about getting it on with Dr Drew would be that he would be able to help diagnose your problems whilst wrapping you up in his old man guns. 2 Birds 1 Stone.

I wish I had an addiction so I could go for a visitation.

"Dr Drew, I am addicted to Dr Drew.. pls help"

I hate David Blaine

Do they have aptitude tests in schools now that have "professional idiot" as a career trajectory?

I can not stand David Blaine.

that is all.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Against my Religion

I'm not a typically religious person per se, aside from knowing the words to a few 'lamb of god' hymns.. I would really like to latch onto a religion that was against a lot of useless things just so I could say "thats against my religion", unfortunately most religions are against things I enjoy, like being bad, slutty, and gay.

Pythagoreanism is one such religion that appeals, and follows such laws as:

Do not, under any circumstances, eat beans
Smooth out all bodily indents on pillows and/or beds
Do not walk on highways

I'm down with all these things. For one, 3 bean salad is just fucking disgusting

Every time you go to someones house for a BBQ, fucking 3 Bean salad makes its heinous appearance. Gross. Finally someone who understands where I am coming from in my diversion to these clearly evil beans.

As for the making the bed neat policy, well thats all good and well for me (I am fairly anal about having a made bed) and I rarely walk anywhere, let alone walk on highways.

Before becoming a convert however, I would like to research more into what sort of Heaven Pythagoreans go to, because if its sitting around measuring triangles and working out angles and doing maths for eternity... count me out.

Down with Maths
Down with Beans

There is just no religion out there that suits, they should have one where the following things were abhorrent.

It would be nice being able to show up at work at midday, never having to get up earlier than 10.30am, because it’s against your religion.

It’s against my religion to pay more than $10 for movie tickets, tight-ass Tuesday should be tight-ass everyday for the devout.

It’s totally against my religion to give money at weddings, whenever I open one of those stupid ‘give us your money’ poems, a little bile rises and I vow to give nothing but a handful of change or a vile heirloom.

It’s against my religion to attend family get-togethers, where everyone gets drunk and yells at each other.

It’s against my religion to accept ugly gifts from my mother-in-law, it should also be said that it is totally against my religion to listen to/partake in, anything my mother-in-law says, does or gives.

It is against my religion to pay $250 a head at a restaurant, I don’t care how good the chef is, unless that meal comes with a week of free rent and ticket to Thailand.

It is against my religion to care about how many calories are in a quadruple cheeseburger, I don’t care if it kills me. It tastes good.

It’s against my religion to enjoy typical Australian things – ie: cricket, meat pies, and the sun. We enjoy dark rooms, olive tapenade and watching Celebrity Rehab.

Open for new recruits, pass the collection plate around, we meet on Tuesdays, BYO own bong and money to throw at homeless people.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Sheesh thats embarrasing

so, you're arrested, the world knows you locked your daughter up and raped her repeatedly, you fathered two children with her, your life as you know it is now officially over...and you forgot to do your fly up when you were dragged out of your house in handcuffs!


oooh Burn.

That's gotta be embarrasing.

Aluminium Hand Man, the forgotten X-Men

Stryker is hard at work in the lab, he asks the inept intern 'steve' to ready the adamantium to graft to the bones of his latest test subject. Unfortunately 'steve' being a total moron that he is, he accidentally grafts aluminium to the subject and we are left with the sad sad case of 'Aluminium Hands Man'.

Poor Aluminium Hands Man, he would be the worst X-Men ever. What good is he? for one he can't walk through the evil lair staff kitchen without people harrassing him to wrap their sandwiches and cover their roasts. What good is it to have the ability to shoot aluminium foil from in between your fingers. You're Fired Steve!!!!

Lucky for Aluminium Hands Man, is that he can always spark up a crack inhaling session. That's pretty much all he can find solace in these days.



I hope to see a story like this one in the upcoming Wolverine Movie...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Black Hole

I'm kinda freakin out today. Why can't scientists just leave it alone?
I don't wanna be sucked into a black hole. Seriously, I could think of nothing worse than being shrunk down to the size of a coke can.

What is the incessant need to 'figure things out' that the human species inhabits? Trying to recreate the big bang seems kinda reckless to me. Specially when the worst possible outcome is a black hole/dark matter. We don't need that shit. Are these scientists massive stargate fans or what?

I'm very content with the universe as it is, blue skies, oxygen, plants, ocean. This is all I need to survive. I don't want to know any of the freaky shit that exists in the outer realms of space.

What if we create a black hole that sucks us into another dimension? and what if rather than being sucked into the sexy/rich alternate universe we are sucked into the chest-bursting shitty alien universe?


Gross. Nothing Worse.

The only thing worse than being sucked into chest-bursting alien universe, would be getting sucked into Mount Annan Universe and having to eat shitty thai food the rest of your life and live around a man-made pond within inches of your next door neighbour.

Leave it alone man!!!!!!!!!!

If the world implodes and this is my last post I have some confessions to get off my chest:

When I was a kid I found a Roger Rabbit figurine on the plane and stole it, even though I knew a little kid was looking for it.

One time our school went on an excursion to the Aquarium and I stole a starfish out of the tank... I hid it in my underpants and it died.

I used to sing songs about Sonic the Hedgehog when I was in Mass at my catholic girls school, because I thought the hymns were stupid.

phew. Ok I can be sucked into oblivion now. see ya on the other side.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Ant Glove Initiation Ceremony

Had a huuuuge saturday last night: comfy pants/blankie/couch. Learnt many things. I swear I am at least 3% smarter since getting Foxtel. There was a show on last night called TABOO (nat geo channel) which showed various stories of fucked up things that people do to feel like they belong, or things they are forced to do because thats what their culture demands of them.

The best thing was this village in the "jungle" (somewhere in africa) where they make all the men wear the "Bullet-Ant Glove" for 10 mins to prove they are men.. Now, the Bullet Ant is one seriously dangerous ant, they showed time-lapse of these ants eating a frog. Ants dont eat frogs! they come to picnics and carry off unwanted crumbs! These ants, are fiesty.

Anyway, so these boys/men have to wear the ant-glove for 10 mins, the ants are sewn into the glove with their stingers pointing inwards, their venom causes paralysis, and a whole world of pain. But.. it gets worse.. they have to wear the ant-glove TWENTY times before they are considered a man, which means they arent allowed to build a house, cant get married, cant go hunt, basically you have to live with your parents till you die unless you can fulfil the ant-glove challenge.

I would say this radical test of ones character has one flaw, if any of these villagers are actually Dee Why bums, then they would be like "yeah no ant-glove for me today... " and continue to mooch of their parents and live in the garage.

Moving on, after watching this program I was thinking that us capitalist westerners are such pussies. We have no rites of passage. You just do what you want when you want and don't give a shit. We're a very lame society. The only rites of passage I can think of is for teenagers to go to the beach/park get blind drunk on rocket fuel stolen from your parents, and throwing your guts up all night and having a massive hangover the next day. Yes Underage Park drinking is what mark's the end of childhood for most of the adolescents I grew up with.

I say we bring the Ant Glove into our culture. Meat Pies, Cricket and the Ant-Glove. I want to see men who are men.

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Foxtel Rules. If anyone from National Geographic channel wants to employ me, I will be your corporate spokeswhore.

Ant Glove!

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Smelling the Crotch of Life

So life sucks ass does it? Do you work in a dark dingey dungeon 8 hours day? Do you never see the sunlight? Are you practically see-through from never getting any light on your skin and do your eyes sting when you somehow manage to get a second of vitamin D when you go for a walk outside for the first time in weeks..

Do you have no windows? Do you have a window, but it has bars on it and has a view of a fence and concrete wall making you feel more and more like the prisoner your boss expects you to be?
Do you sit alone, not speaking to anyone for hours and hours at a time, trying to make friendly chit chat over the phone with strangers because it’s the closest thing you’ll come to human contact all day?

Do you not even like talking on the phone? Do you forget how to act around people because you are locked in your dungeon all day and forget the niceties of the human race?

Does your boss make you listen to 2gheyFM all day? The same 8 songs on the same rotation day in day out. Do you just want to punch Kate Perry in her dumb lesbo mouth? Does your boss burn hideous stank incense all day long which makes your eyes water and your nose itch, and you can’t get any fresh air because the windows are all sealed and the heater sucks all the air out of the room and you feel light-headed from the insanity of it all. Do you have to sit alone in your hellish existence whilst your boss has a nap??

Do you have absolutely no passion left for your job whatsoever and merely think of it as punishment for a pay check? Would you rather die than go back to that dungeonesque hellhole for five more minutes?!

I hear ya.

But at the same time, I like to look on the positive side of things. Yeah my life is really sucking right now, sucking like a baby gorilla on its mama’s titty. Well you need to pull yourself off that titty and look at things in a different light.

Would you rather - Smell the glove of a plumber after he has de-clogged a really hairy drain (my drain) OR smell the crotch of a marathon runner after running the marathon on a really long day, with high humidity.

Would you rather lick a few-day-old road kill OR pash a crusty old grandma in a retirement home who smells like wee.

When you look at things in this light, the mind numbing shitbox of life isn’t that bad by comparison. If all you had to pick and choose from in this life were really horrible things all the time, well you would have gone nuts with a pickaxe a long time ago. Luckily you don’t have a fulltime job sniffing plumbers hairy stank gloves all day long. Life is marginally better than that. Marginally. And that is what should keep you from driving off that cliff Thelma & Louise style.

yes my words, as they appear in 3D world this week. Yay for me. If you want a copy, its on the street!

Monday, September 01, 2008

Stripperboats


sooo...Hens Nights.

There is something surreal about Hens Nights. A floating nightclub packed to the rafters with women. Women everywhere with little to no clothing on. And any male in the room, has to automatically get naked. Even the weedy bartender was taking his shirt off! I have never in my life been such a grabby molesterer. Men all oiled up and sliding off you. Crazy.

I have to say though, next time I will know to go to wear a crotch revealing dress, because even though the strippers are paid to dance with you, they really don't like you if you are dressed properly. I mean it is winter! I'm allowed to wear pants! Can I get some sambo-action??



I have to say, I have never been happier to be married and have a nice couch and cat to come home to. If i'm gonna get a dick in the face, i'd rather it be my husband and not some freak in leather pants.

However - how wrong is this!! Halfway through the cruise when all the maggoty half naked horny chicks are falling over themselves, a Football Team!!!! gets on the boat!! umm wtf are they doing here?? (Balmain Tigers) seriously, with all the horrid rape stories you hear about football players should they be in that sort of environment? It wouldnt surprise me to hear about some poor 21 year old getting gang-banged by 5 players in a hotel room later that day.

so in conclusion: Stripperboats. Not for the faint-hearted.