Wednesday, August 27, 2008

the what is worse game

sometimes when making decisions in life you realllly need to weigh up the odds, take a side, make some serious brain gravy.

so when i'm trying really hard to make important life-changing decisions I play the 'what is worse' game to take the edge off.

WHAT IS WORSE

Smelling the glove of a plumber after he has de-clogged a really hairy drain (my drain) OR smelling the crotch of a marathon runner after running the marathon on a really long day, with high humidity.

Licking a few-day-old roadkill OR pashing a crusty old grandma in a retirement home who smells like wee.

Having your asshole sewn shut OR having your lips removed with a scalpel and no anesthetic?

ahh so many disgusting things in the world to put things in perspective

I'd personally be a crotch sniffing, roadkill lickin, no asshole havin mofo.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Bag of Terror

you know how sometimes you just want to beat the crap out of someone, but have to hold back for fear of you know... serious prison time.. well VOILA! I present to you:

THE BAG OF TERROR

INGREDIENTS:
1 x Sleeping Bag
1 x Cat
1 x small child
1 x bird
1 x vaccum
1 x guitar

Now.. what you do is put said person who deserves a beating in said Bag of Terror. The Cat through its mental cat-ness will totally freak out because there's a bird, and a small child (cats hates children of all ages, but mostly small children) Then for added effect do some vaccuming and strumming of the guitar around the bag and watch the fun.

Whoever enters the Bag of Terror will be Scratched The Fuck Up! when they are released. (make sure you do not trim your cats nails before you attempt the Bag of Terror)

The best part is, that noone's gonna believe that you were 'thrown into a sleeping bag with a cat, a bird, a small child, whilst your tormentors vaccumed around you and strummed the guitar' HA! good luck proving anything (yes you Jeff Conway!) Cat's don't leave fingerprints.

My first victims in the Bag of Terror, will be;

the dumbshit 'actor' who works at Borders fulltime and hasn't done any acting jobs, yet still harps on about being an actor. hey! dickbreath! you're a shop-assistant.... In the bag cunt.

secondly, the person who told everyone about my 'rash' ..that information is not open for public knowledge, why must I answer the phone to "hows ya rash goin?" from complete strangers? do they even know where my rash is?? (it was on my face) I dont want no people knowin about my rash... In the bag with ya.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Bagism

Why don't famous people put their fame to some good anymore?

Where are the John Lennon's of the world?

Celebrities are as stalked if not more stalked than they used to be, for crying out loud Britney Spears is on every celebrity blog every single day, and she does nothing!! same goes with Lindsay Lohan. If they are put in the spotlight for retarded reasons everyday why cant they use that free press to get a message across.

Everyone's gotten so lazy. There are still so many inequalities in the world but noone gives a shit. What about the war in Georgia? does anyone care? What about the war in Iraq, that's still going and I blame it personally for the increase in fees at my supermarket, for my raise in rent, and the overall crappiness of the economic climate around the world right now.

Sure there's no Vietnam for us all to get behind, and the music scene of the day hardly holds a flame to the genius set loose on the world in the 70's, but don't people care anymore? I would march in a parade. I would burn a flag. I would hold a poster and starve myself for a cause. If only I could be moved enough by someone with passion to tell me get off my ass and care about something because it's really fucking important.

I care. I'm just to lazy to care.

When are they going to release Chapter 27?

I guess what i'm saying is that if the musicians and radical activists of the time can band together to get John Sinclair released from maximum security prison, then why can't the people with an unlimited audience do something worthwhile, hey Damian Echols is still rotting in prison. He needs you.

Where are the radical activists?? or is that what the comediennes of the day are? watered down political activists? hey I said the word nigger! risque.

I dont wanna be at war anymore
I dont wanna live in a world dominated by one nation
I dont wanna have to worry about my carbon footprint everytime I take a shower
I dont wanna hear about petrol prices everyday
I dont wanna worry about the earth dying before our kids get a chance to play on it.
I dont wanna give money to kids dying in other countries when we can't stop our own kids from dying, yeah the Aboriginals have it fucking tough. Are they any better off than the poor babies in Uganda? I think not worldvision I think not.

I wanna be part of something that does something about it.

But I won't install a low-flow shower-head. fuck no to that.

But I would like to do something.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Jeff Conway Forever

Whatever happened to Kenicky?

oh you know the usual.... being a hollywood has-been fuck up.

On Foxtel at the moment, the greatest show. ever. is on right now. CELEBRITY REHAB. a show which totally reaffirms the belief that Celebrities are spoiled brats with major issues.

Jeff Conway, aka: Kenicky has... problems. Regardless of these drug-induced seizures he goes through daily, the best part of seeing Kenicky in the chokey is that he's a stand-up guy, even when he's bent over a wastepaper bin yakkin his guts up he still finds the time to say hello

"Belghhhhhhh BRAHHHH Bleghhhh yeah hows it goin BrAGHHH Bleghhh"

I have to wonder where the hell is Kenicky getting his exxy rehab money from, because really.. how many residuals is that guy getting??

Jeff Conway Forever xx

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Smells

I've had it up to here with stinky incense. I'm not against it per se, and I have been known to light up a Nag Champa to get the mystery fish smell out of the kitchen, However I am not one of those people who can sit around in a haze of incense smoke for hours.

Frankincense is overrated.

You know what I would burn every hour of the day if they made it:

Chips and Vinegar Incense.

Chips & Vinegar is the best smell ever. It makes me salivate and hark back to happy times spent with family at the beach (NB: I personally don't have any of these memories, but I watch a lot of films to know that this is what functional families do with each other)

And while they're at it I would also like to see the following incense fragrances in the shops;

Pan Fried Garlic & Onion
Spicy Meatballs
Some curry dish that the neighbours cook
Clean Baby Smell
Sweaty Good Looking Man Smell

pfffffft Sandalwood?? that doesn't get my juices flowin'

Boo You '3 wise men' Boo You. The world of Incense would have been vastly different had Jesus been born in 'Rue de Fettucini' in Italy.

Monday, August 18, 2008

wtf-ness

Ate half a cheesewheel before bed... had dreams involving the following two items:

(Michael Vartan)
+

(Passionfruit)

= Passionvarton

Wtf is with that Penguin who was Knighted? what did it do? catch the fish that tried to kill the Queen? At least he remembered to wear a tux.


And while were at it, who was the moron who cast Selma Blair as 'Kim' Kath n Kim ?? Considering that Kim is awkward/overweight, not a rake thin supermodel, hence where the comedy comes from when she is in her slapper clothing.... even though Selma Blair did put on weight for this role, she is still skinnier than the rest of us after having our wisdom teeth removed and unable to eat from the exposed bone coming though the gums, and getting diareah at the same time.

I find this strangely attractive.

And in more personal news, I am not drinking (for 2 weeks) as whilst I was cutting up the dancefloor on Friday Night I decided my new move would be to 'noogie' the 20 year old standing next to me. He did think it was pretty original though, and said we should go on So You Think You Can Dance together. I am down with that. I can bring my new genre of dance to the screen: The Drunken Crows Nest Hotel Bop

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Revised Wedding Vows

I say: unless your wedding vows stated that i'm not allowed to sit on Jake Gyllenhaals face, then its fair game:

humina humina humina

Oh my god, how Hotttttttt is Jake!!! and how Borrrrrrrring is Reece? She is such a grandma, why is he even with her? they probably have to have sex through a sheet with a hole cut in it in. I bet she wears that fugly hat too.

His hair is a bit naff, but thats ok, cos i'll be sitting on his face anyway, so it wont bother me too much.

mmmmmmmmmm

Monday, August 11, 2008

On a very special OPRAH: Things I learnt in "the hunner"

Anyone from Australia will know what i'm talkin about when I refer to "the hunner".. The Hunner refers to 'The Hunter Valley" land of wine, cheese, and nature.

So I grape touched. I sniffed cheese. I rode a horse.

anyone who lives in a make believe land where you buy into the myth that australia is overrun with kangaroo's.. well here I am with said roo's (small tiny dots in the background).. albeit in a winery...so yes, they do exist like you think they do.

Now what did I learn in "The Hunner"

First up: when you order a seafood pasta, you kinda don't expect it to show up with little vaginas cooked all the way through. Vaginas in black spaghetti? i dont know what freak thought up this vagina/pube pasta dish.. but I would like to get to know them.


Issues arising whilst watching OPRAH, after a long day in about 200 wineries:

Oprah should really just start a new racist program called "Paanies" (cos she is incapable of saying 'panties' like a regular person) "Paanies" would be a show for really angry people, and racists.. ie: black people who hate white people. (Spike Lee and Oprah would feature on every episode) On the first Episode I would like to see a feature presentation on "whatever happened to Lisa Bonet".. who did she date? and who is she dating now?

It would be nice to also get Bill Cosby on the program, but we thought he may actually be dead, in which case you just could just get a hold of "Oprahs Medium TV" - on which she can speak to the dead... Hey its Oprah people.. she can do whatever she wants. She's fucking rich Ok.

Next up: we would discuss 'is Bill Cosby a Hutu or a Tutsi?' and is it too soon to have the new band 'the tutsi slayers' on the program??

Other guests would include Ramian Henderson (distant relative or maybe just possible stalker of Martin Henderson) he is white however so Spike Lee and Oprah would probably just white-bash him with a sock filled with quarters.

One pivotal part of any Oprah show is when she fixes some idiots lifelong dream of meeting hack David Cassidy, or helps you after you were just raped by 400 bears... so I plan on writing to Oprah:

"Dear Oprah.. is my dad gay??" (she loves the gays)
I think he might be.. every day after school he would come home with his buddies from the construction site and watch Bold & the Beautiful. I don't care if he is gay. But I would like a million dollars. Pls send a cheque so I can open my lifelong dream "The Centre for gays who live in the closet but like to watch B&B in mass groups". Thanks Oprah. PS - I am black. Where's my cheque?

"PAANIES" - Oprahs new show.. coming never to a TV near you.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

The Poop Daily

In News this week:

Lisa Marie Presley is pregnant with twins:

Is she also a vampire transvestite? that is the fugliest photo of her I have ever seen, not that she ever rated highly on the 'lesbian fuckability' scale.. I would never hit that. Well not unless she had me cornered for my delicious Braaaaaaaaains. Note to Lisa Marie's Publicist: do not send out photos where your client has a massive zit on their head, and red rimmed eyes like she spent all night yakkin it up in a caravan park toilet...although it does give her fatso pregnancy story more cred. You can almost smell the morning sickness.

David Jones had their inaugural Fashion Parade on Wednesday Night, with many B-List hacks in attendance. Some blind fashion designer decided it would be best to model their range on this:

And what spaceship did you fly here on?? This is Daniel Johns' latest squeeze.... and Alien. Seriously, I would continue saying bad things about her but I reckon she could vaporise me with a mere thought from her giant alien sized brain. Scary.

And finally the most exciting news yet: Scientists have found Poo on Mars. Really? That is just great. I don't know what makes me happier? the fact that we found Poo, or the fact that Poo is a front page story. I would love to be the person who did that Poo. I can only hope that the discovery of this Space-Poo will open doors and forever change the way we view Poop, so that when you accidentally get some on your jeans at Hoyts at Fox Studios, rather than being forced to leave the movie early and make up a reason about running into an 'old friend from school' you can proudly sashay around proclaiming your Poop for future alien generations to discover.

All Hail Poop:

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The Mary-Kate Conspiracy

I love a good conspiracy theory. Lone Gunman. UFO's. Marilyn Monroe. The Iraq War. Last night whilst in the throes of twilight this came to me like a bolt of lightning.

MARY-KATE OLSEN KILLED HEATH LEDGER

Let's discuss:

WHY: Heath Ledger was ridiculously good looking, and from all accounts he seemed like a really awesome down to earth guy. Incredibly Talented. Incredibly Successful. How could a girl not fall in love with that? Mary-Kate did. Mary-Kate fell hard.

It has come out in various magazines that Mary-Kate was indeed in love with Heath, they had a love affair for a few months leading up to the month he died in January.... was this before or after he visited Australia for Christmas with his girlfriend Gemma Ward? Did Mary-Kate know that Heath was also in romantic trysts with the Australian Beauty? perhaps. perhaps not. But surely anger and jealousy plant a firm seed of motive for why MK would want to do away with her lover.

Ever since the untimely death of Heath, Mary Kate's part in the tragedy has been shrouded in secrecy. She is refusing to speak about it to Police. She wants immunity. Innocent people don't ask for immunity.

HOW: The fact that Heath was found dead in Mary-Kate's apartment lends a lot to speculation. Everyone who was working with Heath knew he was sick, knew he was was having trouble sleeping and knew he was taking medication for it. Being that Heath was in an apartment owned by MK gives the woman some advantages in committing the perfect crime.

Heath was alone in the apartment... well except for the Masseuse and House-staff.. Mary-Kate's Masseuse and House-staff to be exact. Would it be hard to mix a couple of deadly OxyContin (illegally obtained) with the large array of prescriptions he was already taking? Would he even notice? Would it be hard to pay off a minimum wage earner to do the deed?

Forbes magazine estimates the Olsen Twins to have a net worth of $100 Billion. Even if MK paid one of her staff, the masseuse, her bodyguards to cover up her crime at a Billion dollars each, is it really that much to her?

Scorned Billionaires are not to be fucked with.

I propose that someone in MK's staff gave Heath the drugs, I propose that the Masseuse was in charge of calling MK about it when they knew for sure he was dead. I propose that the bodyguards that MK sent over to her apartment cleaned up anything out of sorts before the paramedics arrived.

THE FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN: Mary-Kate is a twin. And if film and literature have taught us anything is that there is always an evil twin:

Just look at them, they both look evil to me. And if they're both evil, then the Evil-Twin of the pair must the most diabolical twin in existence. As an interesting side note: the Olsen Twins were born on June 13th 1986.. Friday the 13th to be exact.

Mary-Kate killed Heath Ledger because she was a scorned lover. He had a new girlfriend, and she couldn't handle it. She played the friend card and gave him somewhere to crash whilst he was in NY, carefully laying out the strands of her web of deceit. Heath Ledger was murdered... I doubt they will ever prove it, but she has more money than OJ to throw at this case to make it go away.

I'll never watch Full House again.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

The Pork Knuckle Incident

As some of you might remember I have a history at the Bavarian Beer Cafe in The Rocks, most recently being the Ham Salad Incident when I said to the waitress "what is this? I dont care if I ordered this, I wanted a hotdog! I may have said ham salad, but I was clearly thinking hotdog" sheezsh.. at any rate, I don't doubt I am their least favourite of patrons.

Today The Boy & I figured we'd go for a wander down to The Rocks and once again, try to have a nice lunch at the Bavarian Beer Cafe... but unfortunately someone up there hates us. We sat (fortuituously?) in the same seat as the 'ham salad incident'.. cue: The Pork Knuckle Incident.

It's funny how when you're in a long-term domesticated relationship, pissy arguments can spiral out of control. So pretty much from the moment we sat down, me and The Boy started arguing about Pork Knuckles & German Hotdogs. We argued whilst we were ordering, We argued whilst we were eating, We argued whilst we were just sitting there staring at each other, deep in thought about hotdogs and pork knuckles.

By this time, I had had enough of the Pork Knuckle Discussion, so I stormed off. Yeah I'm heated. Who knew that a sausage could throw me into such turmoil ??Needless to say I picked up my shit, walked off and left The Boy with the bill and his stupid Pork Knuckle.

I figured he'd pay the bill, then we'd meet up later when we had both cooled off and could have a mature conversation about Bavarian meats. This is when The Boy chases me down the street.. through no foreplanning, we totally did the runner on the Bavarian Beer Cafe.

Oops.

Nothing ends an arguement quicker than realising you are both now on the run from The Law, and The Rocks is the perfect place to be running from (imaginary) kitted up Bavarian Waiters in Lederhoesen.

Having watched "The Bourne Ultimatum" the night before, The Boy thought the perfect escape hideout would be the bustling Rocks Markets. pfft that is wayyy to obvious, everyone knows if you are being chased by angry waiters in stupid costumes you try to blend in with other shoppers in a busy marketplace. Cliche Much?

I decided instead that we would hide out in the crappy Arts & Crafts store, where they sell lots of crap made by the Hornsby TAFE students. Noone is going into this shop.. trust me. We hid out there for awhile, decided not to buy leatherey S&M masks to disguise ourselves, and instead turned up our collars and disguised ourselves with sunglasses and baseball caps... Genius.

We walked the rest of the way home, certain that someone was going to tap us on the shoulder and say "can you come with us please". I didn't want to get arrested and lose my chances of working overseas.. hell no! No stupid Pork Knuckle is worth that.

So whilst we did make it home, we are undeterred that it will not be our last meal at the Bavarian Beer Cafe, we just need to get better disguises next time, and also give $40 to a homeless person so our karma can even itself out.

to take a turn of phrase from the comedic styles of Basil Fawlty:

"don't mention the Pork Knuckle"