Thursday, July 31, 2008

The Two Finger Salute

Tonight I realllllllllllly couldnt be fucked. I went food shopping and brought the following;

a bag of grapes
a box of cheese Shapes
a bag of fruit jellies
a cherry ripe
2 strawberry frogs
and the ingredients for an actual dinner: chicken breasts/potatos/peas with a mushroom sauce

however - when I got home I had the following for dinner;

a box of cheese Shapes
fruit jellies
strawberry frog
glass of wine.

I felt pretty disgusting afterwards.

So I went to the bathroom and stuck my fingers down my throat. I thought there would be more of a payoff, half a box of crackers at least. Not so.... If I had persisted for another 30 mins I reckon I could have got the whole box up. But who has the time? who wants to be bent over in the the 'throw up' position for more than a couple of minutes at a time?

Red wine and half digested crackers really are the most amazing purple colour.

I touched my larynx.

How many other people can say they did that today?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Maroubra Sluts

I was going through my phone and found this humdinger of a photo:
Isn't she pretty?

One night about 3 months ago, I was out in Maroubra *shudder* at the RSL (not my venue of choice) when I look up at the giant escalator and see this thing stumbling down.

Vagina on display - Check
Inability to walk - Check
Sash (every maggotron needs a sash!) - Check

wow. I couldn't not take a photo. I also couldn't not resist asking her "Are you Miss Maroubra??!" to which she almost fell over trying to hug me for being soooo nice!! HA.

I miss those days. I miss being so maggot people actually wonder if you have one leg shorter than the other and can't walk properly for medical reasons. I miss the air on my vadge. I mostly miss having one half of my boob just hanging out. so hot.

I should go out more often.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

OH&S: Nits

If there is one thing in this world that makes my skin crawl it's Nits.

One OH&S issue I have at my job is the possible contamination of nits from a schoolchild. You can't trust kids. What are they good for? they spend all your money, they complain about everything, then they come home from the schoolyard all covered in Nits and pass them onto the unsuspecting non-nit-head.

I remember one time when I had nits as a kid. Not Happy. The guy who gave then to me, his name was Tim. Whenever I meet someone called Tim a small part of me goes "fuck off nithead" . I don't want no nits. I am especially paranoid about nits because, as I said, I come into daily contact with a school child who we all know carry the cooties virus like nothing else.

If I was to catch nits as an adult. I don't know what I'd do.. I'd prob go into hiding for about 6 weeks. And put a hit on whomever gave me said nits. It doesn't fill me with confidence that whenever you hear mums talking about nits these days they go on about "supernits" and "nits that are immune to nit control" well thats just great.

So everyday I stand in front of the mirror at work, on my daily lunchbreak "nithunt" searching for nits, then when I see something white and small I freak out a bit, then realise its just dandruff and don't know what to feel cos whilst noone should be happy to have dandruff, its marginally better than nits. Marginally.

Makes me itchy just thinking about it.

And how fucked up is this person:

Eyelash Nits

Come on people!! what the fuck is wrong with you.... how can you not realise a colony of nits have moved into your eyelashes?? Disgusting.

I'm gonna start wearing an airtight astronaut suit to work.

Nits.
Nits Everywhere.

*scratch scratch scratch*

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Sunday Press Release

From Whence the Stench Comes.
I have come to the conclusion that my house is haunted. Why you ask? well, what is the one sure sign of a haunting that weirdo's who claim their house is haunted go on about? strange smells. My kitchen is haunted. About 4 nights ago I cooked a salmon. Now 5 days later and my kitchen and entrance hall still smell like fish? what gives? we ate the fish. We threw away the parts of the fish that were garbage. We washed our plates. Where the fuck is this fish smell coming from?!!!??! It's doing my head in to say the least?

There is something unnerving about standing around in your kitchen for hours and hours sniffing cupboard handles, sniffing salt and pepper shakers, sniffing anything and everything trying to figure out from whence the stench is coming. I still don't know. If I don't find it soon, I think we're gonna have to move. Rent Increase, combined with mysterious haunting fish stench = me no live here anymore.

Don't throw my Dandruff away
Over a 'civilised' dinner last night, the topic of these day spas that offer a service of fish to eat away your dead skin was brought up. And then you're like "why do we even need dead skin anyway?" then some genius says "well what if you had a friend who reallly wanted to be an astronaught and fly into space but had to pretend to be you with your dead skin flakes?.. yeah well then that dead skin is bound to come in super handy isnt it?"

Gattaca. Great Movie. Can someone start a 'fan of gattaca' facebook group please?
" I never saved anything for the swim back"
Ahh Ethan Hawke you used to be so cool.

That moment when you realise that you are in love
You know when you're having a conversation and then you talk about someone for about 30 mins straight, and then it dawns on you that you looooove them? I had two lightbulb moments last night:

I heart Henry Rollins
I could only go on about that "the ruts" story for so long before I had to stop and think. I love you? who knew? He is pretty cool though.

I heart Ewan & Charley

The Long Way Down is the best show on TV. Who knew Ethiopia was a lush green country with a stunning landscape of cliffs, fog at high altitude and grass? those fricken worldvision ads have skewed our minds to think of Africa as a big dirty dustbowl. Thanks to Ewan & Charley I know better. Plus everytime I watch this show I want to adopt a kid.

Legends!

Saturday sure was enlightening.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Assume Nothing

one last thing that is stupid about weddings..... aside from the total head-fuck that is organising a wedding, is the lingering annoyance that will pervade me for the rest of my life.

People assuming that I changed my name.

Why would I change my name? I have a name. I like my name. No it has nothing to do with wanting to hold onto it for sentimental family reasons, they're all a bunch of psychotic irrelevances.

But this is my name. My name that appears on everything I have ever done, written, graduated. Why should I change it? I love my husband, keeping my name doesn't mean I love him any less.

I gotta start taking a stance, when I receive invites in the mail addressed to Mrs Rachel Blah Blah.. I'll wait till they call me and say "no I never received it.. a letter came for a Mrs Rachel Blah Blah but I have no idea who that is because my name is Rachel B*****"

But i'd still like to come to your party.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Let's play House-o

You ever get into a lazy funk? when you're like "ehhh i won't wash my hair tonight..." then the next day you're like "ehhhh i'll just wear a hat tomorrow" and eventually it becomes a personal challenge to see how long you can go before your hair comes to life and strangles you in the night.

And then you open the fridge.

Ehhhhhhh.. who can be bothered shopping? i'll just 'make do' with what ingredients we have in the fridge. Meanwhile 6 days later and you're eating cheese on stolen toast.

This is a little game I like to play called "playing house-o" (housing commission)... when you see how long you can go without buying food (stealing is ok)

wow. this week is gonna be tough.. but its definitely do-able, it's all about being creative with ingredients.

Champagne & Porridge
Potato and Pineapple rings
Chocolate Sauce on Straws
Frozen peas and Taco Sauce

I reckon, I could get at least another 5 days out of what we have going, ofcourse it is totally acceptable to steal food from other peoples houses and places of work, afterall, the game is "house-o" not "ethiopian".

Eventually we aim to look like this:
Martin Henderson in Little Fish... Sexy!!!!!!
I should have my own show, it would be way better than that shit Jamie Oliver comes up with, this is real life..(for heroin addicts): House-O Dinners
Call now for your recipe : Baked Bean Lasagne, and for dessert Half-Set Jelly Crystals and that white wine that was given to us last christmas.

Tits McGee Wayne-Potter-Dawes

One of the great losses for The Dark Knight, was that it was missing one integral cast member.. that being Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes. The reason being, that wouldn't it have been awesome to see Katie Holmes be blown the fuck up! And even moreso, wouldn't it have been even better to see her flash her amazing tits, then get blown the fuck up. That is the one thing missing from this film that would have tipped it over the edge into "greatest movie ever made. for realz"

The best work Katie ever did was The Gift , in that she showed off her great tits, then got choked to death and dumped in a lake.

If there was an Academy Award for "great titties and death" acting, she would be a two time winner.


Well she would have been if she had done The Dark Knight, got her tits out at one of Bruce's penthouse parties, then got blown the fuck up. I don't want to see Maggie Gyllenhalls saggy bin-lids. I would like to think that there is a scene on an early draft of The Dark Knight floating around somewhere that has a "Rachel Dawes flashes The Joker her tremendous tits, then gets stabbed in the neck" scene.

In a perfect world anyway.

Dear Hollywood,
More Katie Holmes Titties and Death roles please.
Thanks!!

Disclaimer: You are Retarded

I think it's a fairly universal phenomenon, that no matter where you work, you are eventually going to get phone calls from people who are fucking retarded. Maybe they are just confused, maybe they are bitches, but at the end of the day, you really want to be able to slam the phone down and go "die cunt" alas.. needing that weekly paycheck stops most of us from doing this.

Not when I have my own company.

I might just call it "you are too stupid to call me. die cunt. pty ltd"

One major pet peeve is when people ring up and give you their number but stray from the classic 4 digit. 3 digit. 3 digit format and just start yelling out random numbers at you:

04....4....434....98...7....6

Hey, we're not playing a game of BINGO here! Fuck off.

At any rate when I place my ad in the Yellow Pages you can rest assured that it will look something like this:

RACHEL'S COMPANY!!!!!
PH: 0011 61 2 9374 3497
Phone now for all your smart person needs!

DISCLAIMER: do not phone us if you cant properly communicate what is it you need and then hang up in a huff, we don't care and will refer to you as 'that cunt' anytime you ring us in the future. Don't call us if you are too stupid to remember to get a pen if you plan on asking questions. Only give us phone numbers in the 4/3/3 split format. Don't call to speak to the manager if you have some retarded question that a phone monkey could answer. Don't call us then put us on hold. Don't send faxes through to our phone line, this is a different number, if you cant properly tell the difference between two different sets of numbers, go back a square and call us when you graduate from year 3.

Now accepting applications.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Just doing a bit of light reading

.............and when I say light reading, I mean finnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllly getting some rays on my labia.

Now you can get smarter, AND get a clit-tan. Claire Danes is a pioneer!!!!!!! She is like that black lady who they wouldnt let ride on the front of the bus. This is exactly like that.
More people should read like this.. i know the next time I open a book on Public Transport this is the stance I will be in.
"what??"you got a problem with this?"
This is freedom bitches.

ZING BAM SMACK! Everyone's gonna hate me after reading this

I just want to clear something up on the offset before I begin. I Love(d) Heath Ledger. So many great performances, I broke down in tears for a week after he died, in supermarkets, on public transport, everywhere, and I'd never even met the guy! So for the past 7 months I have had BATMAN circled in my calender because I was sure nothing was going to top seeing this movie in 2008.

....... AVERAGE!!!!!!!

I realise I am probably in a league of my own right now, but I was seriously disappointed. I dont know what I was expecting but it certainly didnt deliver.

For one, everyone's been going on about Heath's performance being the sickest thing ever, saying he's going to get an Oscar, and noone's even seen the film yet. So you can understand why I had pretty high expectations.

The Joker's storyline was a B storyline. He is the catalyst for change. The A story is Harvey Dent played by Aaron Eckart. HE is the sickest thing in this movie, and to see him overlooked for "wank wank oscar nods" makes the oscars seem fucking superfluous, why not just get a friggen award called "the pity award" and get it over with. I th0ught Heath was pretty middle of the road, he was certainly no stand out in the group of actors he was ensembled with.

Sentimental Hype ruined this movie for me. I thought I'd walk out of there speechless at Heath's performance. Batman delivered on the 'summer blockbuster' angle, it's got action, love, gore.. but at the end of the day, its just a blockbuster action film. And now it's the number one film of all time. wtf??

better than The Godfather?
better than Zodiac?
better than The Shawshank Redemption?

hey these movies might not be your bag either, but they can stand the test of time as great movies that will appeal to movie going audiences for the next 100 years. What sort of lifespan does a shlocky action movie have? once the tears have dried and we can move on from Heath's tragedy, what does this movie really leave behind in it's legacy?

Money.

Biggest Opening Weekend ever.

Good on em, but don't go calling a movie the greatest movie ever made just because a key cast member tragically died.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

"googling it"

does anyone else ever stop to think that the phrase "google it" is really weird, and very 2004 onwards specific.

Imagine getting into a time machine and going back to 1992 and walking around going:

1992 hammerpants wearing loser: "hey you know that band? arrrgn! who was that lead singer?!"
2008 timetraveler in Nirvana shirt trying desperately hard to be cool and cutting edge "google it"

Huh?

Google It ??

Come Again?

Think what imagery would go along with the brain of a person not yet lived in the techno-age of 2004 onwards.. "googling it" seems to me like you would stick your hand into a giant eyeball and pull out a piece of paper with the answers magically written on it. Seems gooey and slimy and not at all enjoyable or easy... where does one come across this magic eyeball that knows all one might ask?


I also think to a 1992 person "blogging" sounds like something you do in the woods when you have really bad diarrhea. "just gonna go blog about this"... really? you're gonna go do shit in the woods and wipe yourself on plants? go for it man

2008 is weird.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Feline Lullaby

I never promised anyone when I got my guitar that I would play good music. I just swore an oath to make song.

This is my latest, it's a nighttime lullaby I like to call:

LENNY'S IN MY ARSEHOLE: G#

Lenny's in my arsehole
Lenny's in my arsehole
Lenny's in my arsehole
Lenny's in my arsehole

Lenny's in my armpit
Lenny's in my armpit
Lenny's in my armpit
Lenny's in my armpit

Lenny's in my bladder
Lenny's in my bladder
Lenny's in my bladder
Lenny's in my bladder

Lenny's in my crotch
Lenny's in my crotch
Lenny's in my crotch
Lenny's in my crotch

Lenny leave me the fuck alone!!!!

Neh Neh Neh

And to those playing at home: Who the fuck is Lenny?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Pedo Legs

You know how sometimes you don't shave and you're like "man my legs are scary!! scarily hairy"

well I have the perfect description of just how scary my legs are right now.

They are so hairy and scary, they remind me of what I imagine the Pedophile from Family Guy's legs would look like:

Imagine: White. Skinny. With light brown looooong hairs just blowing in the wind.

I swear if it was halloweeen I could go trick or treating with a 3/4 length burka, with just my legs from the knees down on display and I would scare the shit out of everyone I came into contact with.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

28 Reasons to stay home this week

Freaks who reserve tables at bars under fake names:

haaaaaaaaaaaaa. Herb had a great night. Excellent turnout, moreso than the people who reserved half the bar for their party and had about 5 people show up.. Losers. Note to self: Less is More.

DJ Random..really had a ratio of 1/4 of good songs vs what the hell is this song? And why the hell would you play 4 bars of 'sweet dreams' then go into some Kanye West shit?? We need to talk.

Catholic Influx.. seriously I am not leaving the house this week without putting rubber gloves on, what with all the jizz that will be spread around the place, World Youth Day is pretty much Cancun for Catholics.. a whole lot of praying and handjobs.... sweet. Just don't touch me.
How un-tanned am I!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously.. I need to go roll around in the dirt or something.
Bragh..
At the end of day all you need is 10 peeps, 3 bot bots, 1 pseudonym, and at least 2 people to promise you that if you did decide to take Heroin for the purpose of writing a really good book (as all the best art stems from massive herion abuse, lets not delude ourselves that this isnt true) BUT... as much as I really want to write that amazing book with the aid of heroin ideas.. I really dont want to end up a junky on the street giving handjobs to strangers. So for my 28th I made pacts, that if I end up giving handies for anything less than $20 for a bag of dope, you need to pull me out of it and put me in rehab, and then send me to Mauritius to get a tan.
And that's what friends are forrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Now I just need to get my hands on some White Lines so I can pen my masterpiece: I am not an Addict.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

www.dontsendflowerstomywork.com

you know how some girls loooove flowers being sent to their work.


I am not one of those people.

My desk is hardly big enough for my computer, let alone a giant flower display.

Mostly though, I don't like having to shlepp said flowers home on public transport. You ever tried to shlepp home a small forest on the bus?? and hold onto the pole so you don't do a faceplant with said flowers?? impossible. The worst flower culprit to try and shlepp home on public transport are those stupid "roses only" boxes. They are so awkward.

Do guys not realise the effort that goes into shlepping home these things far outweighs the delight in receiving flowers in the first place. I love flowers. I just hate fighting with public transport and a flowerbunch the size of a small child on the way home. Why can't you just bring the flowers home yourself and surprise me there? same amount of joy! less shitfight.

Furthermore now I have to watch them dying slowly on the ground all day until I go home.

Coming up next: More birthday ungratefulness

www.ialreadyhavethatbook.com
www.thoseundiesgavemethrush.com

28!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Ruining a Good Thing

Pirates of the Carribean III

90 seconds in....

.........So.. Keira Knightly sings in this movie

CLICK

Sydney Opera House
Scene: Don Giovanni.. Mozarts Masterpiece, sung in Italian with surtitles (that we can't see)
We are getting seated for the beginning of ACT II, when I hear from behind me
Supercunt: "AY! get your arm off the rail!"
Me: "sorry??"
Supercunt: "Thank you soooo much!! Get your arm off the rail! You're blocking 20% of the stage!!..Bitch.."
Now, had supercunt asked me to move my arm, (that I didnt even realise was leaning on the rail) with an once of politeness I would have moved it immedately. I am not jerk. But considering he was beyond rude I did the only thing I could do in the Sydney Opera House.
I flipped him the bird whilst leaning my arm on the rail.
Hey? How's the stage now jerk? are you getting a better viewing percentage through the space surrounding my middle finger??
We left before the curtains dropped as I didnt think having a brawl and telling someone to "die of aids you fucking homo" would go down well in the most prestigious of cultural icons.
Next Time: Flipping the Bird in the Houses of Parliament.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Its HOT GINGE!!! don't make me punch you

I really really really hate the constant stick that redheads get.. Especially since the advent of 'Summer Heights High' and the term "ranga"..

"Ranga" is such a racist slur, it really pains me to hear obnoxious 14 year olds on the bus being mean to each other and not letting one kid sit with them cos he's a gingernut...

Redheads are Hot. Always have been. My childhood was spent watching Sexy Redhead TV Mums, the symbol of matriarchy, sexiness and wit.

Lois


Jane


Peggy


Wilma


Jessica


And if you think you can get away with using Ranga as a racial slur much longer, I dont think so, being a redhead is the way of the future.. just look at Prince Hot Ginge

Phwoarrrrrrrrrr.. I'd hit it. I'd hit a million times. Keep that Royal Bloodline flowing. So if we as a nation of "People Against the Slander of Redheads" get together to bone Hot Prince Ginge, then we can save a nation of boring hair-coloured people and get racism back on track where it should be: paying out on asian drivers and indian call centres.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Does this come with......

I've been looking at lots of properties to buy these last few weeks, and unless it has good photos, i'm not even going to an inspection...... I mean, this is pretty much your strongest tool to getting potential buyers in the door, you have to wonder what the hell some people are thinking when they put up their 'crackhouse' photos to entice buyers...

However, crackhouse jokes aside these are my absolute favourite "property photos" to engage the willing buyer

I Can Has Cat?

Haaaaa... At least now I know exactly what Lenny would look like perched on the windowsill in this daintily decorated room (I can tell the cat isn't impressed about being whored out as an 'atmosphere' prop, you can tell from its ear-stance, and I also wouldn't be too happy with that flab overhang being exposed for the world to see)

This one is the best......

I Can Has Kid

riiiiiiiiight........ WTF!!!! Does this kid come with the place or what? If so i'm buyin! no stupid painful childbirth for me.. will I get the baby-bonus though?? i'll just strike a deal with the kid to bleed on it for a few hours, then we can split the money and go buy some plasma tv's.. I would hope that if the kid is included its like a house-elf, (Dobby Style), except not, because I dont want no S.P.E.W (Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare) coming into my house and taking my slave-elf away from me, insisting that I give it my old socks to wear around... Damn those Elf Unions.. ruining everything.

Stealing Thoughts

I am stealing this brilliant idea from Sarah of "Apathetic Youth" regarding stupid lameass books that are a waaaaaaaste of time.

First up, the gheyest book in existence

one word: KINDLING

arghhhh this book is sooooooooo stupid. Stupid and Annoying and did I say Stupid??!! When I first came across this book it was the 'trendy' book, much like the Da Vinci Code of the 2000's... WTF? Were they trying to write the next Indiana Jones or the missing chapter from the bible?? hated it. Ooh things happen because its all coincidence and part of a plan. how about take fucking responsibility for your life rather than leave things up to 'chance', stupid hippies.

But I didn't hate it as much as this:



I really really really hate this book. I got this book when I was in year 2 or 3, our class went on an excursion to a 'book fair', and being the lover of books at that young age, it was equivalent to going to the Easter Show, because you would go to a stall and get a 'bookbag' with a couple of books of a particular author/genre for a few dollars... Exciting!!!! I wandered around for hours looking at the different books and being enchanted by everything I saw, I was so overwhelmed with excitement that I forgot to buy anything!!!!!!!! Then when the teacher rounded us up I was so distraught at not getting anything I went to the nearest book vendor and brought their book-bag and this was the only thing in it.

What a DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!!

When I think about the Paul Jennings and RL Stine books that I passed up for this stupid piece of shit, I still get riled up about it.

It was just boring, no fantastic imagery, and being an animal lover, I cared not for the storyline of a gang of thug cats out to kill mice all day long.

It is my one regret, and should I ever see this stupid book again in my lifetime I will buy it just so I can rip it into a million pieces.

Boo you Mouse Butcher. Boo You. FYI if you are writing books for kids having the words "butcher" in the title, probably isn't the greatest idea.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Tragedy does not make you a good poet

there is some story in the news today about a woman who moved to the country to avoid the 'rage' of sydney (admittedly, her kids were murdered by a raged-up axe-murderer)... and can now do things she has always wanted to do like write poetry, and wave at fellow motorists without being hacked to death by some rage-a-holic with a pickaxe...fucken Sydney..this however is what she comes up with:

My Lost, Black Silky Knickers

One day I went shopping.
In all the shops I spied,
looking for knickers - black silky ones.
Lo and behold, in the second shop I tried,
there did I find
my black, silky knickers.
They went everywhere with me,
to college, to the shops,
I couldn't imagine going anywhere without them,
they really were tops.
But alas, one day I could not find
my black silky, knickers.
"Oh no!" I cried. "Where are they?
Where could they possibly go?"
I searched for my black, silky knickers.
I searched high and low,
Unfortunately I did not find my black, silky knickers.
I miss my dear little knickers,
they were so soft (and black) and silky

What?????

If someone stabbed my kids to death I would be writing something a bit more passive aggressive than a poem about underpants

Stabbing in the Park on Sunday.

Going to work is hard, it makes me want to cry,
When I sit in a dark dingy dungeon all day, and watch the world go by.
Only one thing can shed light, in my office of gloom,
Is knowing that if I ever meet you in the park, i'll fucking stab the shit out of you
.

She also wants to write a novel, I really hope it's called "Revenge in Cowra"

Chapter 1: how to remove a mans testicles with dental floss and a rusty knife.

Warm Hand Wash.. God's Wrath.

What the fuck is up with clothes that are "Warm Hand Wash"... are we living in Biblical times?? sorry, no, I don't have time to walk down to the rock crevasse on the side of a volcano to wash things...

Furthermore, do washing machine engineers even know how to properly set up your washing machine to do a warm hand wash cycle properly?? all signs point to No.

and when I say signs.. I mean my teeny tiny jumpers.

Granted this only happens to me when I buy: ZIMMERMAN brand woolly items, but every single cardigan that I buy from that manufacturer ends up the size of barbie clothes.

Great. I really love clothes that accentuate my freakishly long orangutan arms. Stupid long limbs.

I think my washing machine hates me, why why why does it ruin all my clothes?? This truly is god's curse for leaving the Garden of Eden. How much easier would it have been to just wash those genital-leaves?? just pick a new one and you're off.. too easy.

Yep, Warm Hand Wash is god's way of punishing us. I bet the washing machines out in Baulkham Hills work perfectly, with little tiny god hands to do the handwashing part for realz.