Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Sunday Night Review

welcome back, tonight on The Sunday Night Review... let us begin with some films of note.

MONGOL..(mong-hole)

.......................whats the point?

300 (humina humina humina)

It's really really hard for women to find good Porn. 300 could revolutionise that.. cut out a few dozen fight scenes, a bit of a sexy soundtrack and here you have the answer to a nation of sand-vaginas. Say goodbye to the drought, this film is guaranteed to make you guage an interest in necrophila at all those gorgeous headless corpses.

sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxy times.

Speaking of headless corpses...... whats the deal with mannequins? if a regular plastic bag has a lifespan of 1000 years, surely these plastic abominations will last 10 times longer than that, so what do you think the aliens are going to think when they land here in 20,000 years and find all these mannequins in the emptied cities of the apocalypse???

Yes we're all size 10 with no heads, and rather than working we all stood around in window dispays day in day out....... hardly a realistic representation of society.. where's the fatass who sleeps on the couch all day? hmm better get started on that time capsule so they know what's really going down in the 20th Century.

OK, feel free to change the channel or throw some garbage at the screen. Same time next week. Stay tuned for the commercial break.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Fuck this Post (R rated for excessive language)

Fuck that lady in Bondi who grows her hair to look like giant ear flaps? Fucking Weirdo.

Fuck that basket of chihuahua's. Why were there so many chihuahuas in there? and wtf are you doing walking around with them? are you baking them? What the Fuck is up with that?

Fuck 'the swell' in Bondi.. ooh look another set.... when theres a tsunami coming for me, then i might come have a look. Fucking Who Cares??

Fuck moving to Regional Queensland. Fuck That.

Fuck NOBODY jeans, they look like King Gee's and you are charging how much?? $225.. oh yeah thats reasonable. Get Fucked.

Fuck people who ring up and ask "should I get a fringe"??? how the fuck should I know? its your head. Fuck Off.

Fuck Lenny. Thanks for throwing up on the carpet yesterday, then farting all night. Fuck You.

Fuck having a toothache. Fuck this pain.

Fuck being freezing. Fuckin Cold.

Fuck 'Lemsip' for making me throw up. Fucken disgusting.

Fuck White Wine. Chardonnay can go Fuck itself.

Fuck that Kanye West song. Fucken get some new material.

Fuck sitting through 3 hours of Hamlet. Fucking Boring.

Fuck BIC pens that don't work. ever. Fucked Up.

Fuck Will Anderson on 'The Gruen Transfer' that show would be good if it weren't for you. Fuckwit.

Fuck Gloria Jeans. Christian Fuckers.

Fuck This
Fuck Me
Fuck It

I'm getting a guitar for my birthday, stay tuned for some classic folksey music on my debut album: FUCK EVERYTHING

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Melbourne.. No Exstacy Required

went to Melbourne on the weekend.

found a club called 'Lenny'.... I knew this was gonna be the town for me.

I have lived in Sydney most of my life except for some forgettable periods in QLD and other yawn-tastic places on the Coast... And I really think Sydney needs to be renamed

Cunt Town

There's nothing like visiting another city, to make you realise what a cunt of a town you live in.

Aside from the cliched "excellent shopping", Melbourne was a breathe of fresh air that makes me realise "hey it's not necessary to move overseas to partake in a culturally evolved city"

Yes the Shopping was fantastic
The Buildings are fantastic (I am all about architecture, maybe cos my dad is a builder, but I could stare at some quality brickwork and lattices for hours)
The city was easy to get around
It doesn't take you 2 hours to get from one end of town to the other
Excellent Food, Excellent Clubs..
Basically, I felt like I was in my own version of Bill & Ted on an Excellent Adventure.

The clincher though was this:

So we're at this totally awesome 'hidden' club that we just wandered into, no cover charge. no wank prices. no wankers period. we're sitting up the back of the club on the cool lounges and about 20 people bombard the area, as it turned out it was someones birthday party. Rather than give us filthy looks and snide comments to make us feel as unwanted and uncomfortable as possible to make us leave. (typical Sydney behaviour) They came to talk to us. They didnt know us, but we had real conversations with complete strangers, and you didn't have to be on exstacy to do it.

This would never happen in Sydney. Unless it was 3am and you were pinging off your head and you wanted to mingle with some "randoms" for the novelty factor of talking shit to strangers. Which is why I can not stand going out anywhere in Sydney anymore.

I like friendly people. No I dont need a new best friend, and i'll probably never see you again, but you made the night an incredibly enjoyable one, and hopefully when I move down there i'll bump into you again.

Melbourne Forever
Sydney Never

Friday, June 20, 2008

Fuck the Dentist

Everyone hates the dentist. It's no big secret. I hate the dentist too.

I don't hate them cos of the drilling, the poking, the prodding, the sticking of pointy metal daggers into my tooth.

I hate the smarmyness.

Everytime I go to the dentist they always tell you the same thing:

You should only be drinking water
You should only be eating sugar free lame-ass food
Flossing!!!!!

yeah no shit.

Tell me something I don't know.

"really!?! you mean brushing my teeth with redskins and gargling with Pepsi is no good?"

You take all the fun out of livin.

The last time I went to the dentist they told me that I wouldn't be able to eat anything hot.. nor cold... awesome?! what does that leave then? AIR! are the dentists in conspiracies with modeling agencies to make everyone anorexic?? all signs point to yes.

And so I have a toothache. It's bad.
But I refuse to go to the dentist, for one I don't need the goddamn "you have to floss" lecture again. At least not till a time when I can knit together some floss-pants, a floss-halterneck and some floss-earrings...."flossing you say? never heard of it.."

If it comes down to it, I will just find an old ice-skate, hole up in a cave and do the ol 'Cast Away' treatment.

Worked fine for Tom Hanks.. as long as I have a volleyball to get me through the pain, i'll be fine.

Floss This!!!!!

Monday, June 16, 2008

"undesirable" haunts

with my impending eviction notice just waiting to be banged to my front door, i've been pondering entering "the buyers market"... much like "the fruit market" I really don't know what i'm there for and if I see a bag of oranges on sale i'll probably buy them, not cos I need em, but because they were cheap.

but... its expensive (duh).... I really need a second job.. what could I do? I could give out handjobs for $45.. but I don't like doing that, for one - my arm gets tired.. so how about this.. I'll knock $5 off if you do all the work and I'll make a fist...any takers??

To be honest, i'd actually be happy with somewhere "cheap & undesirable".... like a place infested with rats, ... whats not to love about rats?? haven't you seen 'Flushed Away'.. all those cute rats and their boats.. if anything you'd be worried if the house was infested with those french frogs, cos those guys were hardcore.

There should be some sort of listing on Domain for 'undesirable' places.

Murder House
House built on ancient Indian burial ground



What's the worst that could happen?

So you're up all night sleeping on the ceiling fighting off poltergeist attacks? Big Deal.
And your electricity bill would probably be pretty high, from all the lights flickering on and off all the time.. And you couldn't own a tv (hey I might be cheap, but i'm not stupid)

It'd be worth it though.. to save a few hundred thousand

"Yawn...."
"hey you look like shit!"
"Yeah I was awake all night whilst my partner was spewing all over the place, he's possessed, and my tree ate my kid, dunno where he is.. I really need to go to the church for more holy water, can you hold my calls for me.."

whats wrong with that?

So if you know of any "motivated seller" murder houses.. you let me know!

Friday, June 13, 2008

The greatest song of our generation

There are a lot of great songwriters in this world.

John Lennon
Eric Clapton
Prince

Me.

This morning, possibly the greatest song of a generation came to me whilst I was putting on my eyeshadow. (and when I say generation, I mean the generation of people living in Sydney dealing with rent increases)

You're in for a treat.

Ahem:

When rents are rising,
It’s not surprising,
That Fenwick’s a bitch that’s our property manager... (whispered)

Hardwood floors
And stained glass doors
For that I’d make the switch

But I got a lot of stuff
It looks nice in my place
I really hate moving
Cos I need a lot of spaaaaace.
That’s why I gotta.

CHORUS:
Got to get a sunroom,

When we gotta move
Cos I gotta lot a shit
Huh!
(repeat infinite)

Wow. Is that not the greatest song about the economic climate in Sydney right now?! People tell me I get too excited about things, for that I have to say:

Whatareyoucrazy!Haveyoureadthelyrics!I'mgonnabeamillionaire!!!!!

Now I just need to learn to play the guitar.. and find a choir of old geezers with croaky voices to do the chorus reprise.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Bro's before Ho's clause

When can you invoke the 'Bro's before Ho's' friendship clause?? And is it really necessary to have a penis to do so?

I'd like to think that guys have a secret code amongst themselves like "hey come out, but leave the pussywhip where it belongs" which is code for - leave your stupid girlfriend at home. No hard feelings.. just don't bring her.

But unfortunatley, as a chick you cant say to your man friends "hey come out!!!, but not if you're gonna bring your girlfriend and sit in the corner holding her hand all night..ya fucking lameass"

Girls suck. They suck all the fun out of your mates who, once upon a time, would have been right next to you in the stripclub doing jellyshots off a midget hookers ass.. but now that he's got a girlfriend.. say goodbye to that!!!!

No i'm not jealous. I am way hotter than your pygmy girlfriend anyway, but it would be nice to be able to hang out again without 'the fun police' having a crying tantrum in the bathroom all night because you werent sitting next to her telling her that she's pretty and holding her handbag.

I guess there are two fundamentally different types of chicks.

The type that if she does have a boyfriend, chances are she doesn't seem like it. Not cos she's out slutting it up, but because she is capable of going off independently and having a good time.

Or the type that is soooo needy she turns your formerly fun friend, into a dried up prune who listens to Kasey Chambers.

Basically, if you're gonna come out, bring your fucking nuts with you.

Cashews anyone??

Ways to look like a Douch... Module 1

well, there are many varying ways one can look like a douche..
Example:

However, today's lesson revolves around how one can effectively look like a massive douche in the workplace.

Step 1: Looking Moronic Every Day.

At my dungeonesque place of work.. we have an 'art deco' bathroom.. now many people living in 'art deco' type places know that 'art deco' loosely translated means: needs a fucking renovation. But we generally just live with our shitty bathrooms because the ceilings are high, and the lead-lights pretty, and the picture railings are handy.

But seriously.. the 'art deco' bathroom has to go.

And why is that?

Because I get fucking trapped in there at least once a day because the ricketty old sliding door gets stuck and I need to be rescued.

You have no idea the humiliation involved in being trapped in the bathroom on a daily basis. For one.. everyone thinks you have a brain the size of a pea. Not to mention the fact that you were doing a wee becomes common office knowledge when you need to scream for help to the closest person to come rescue you.

I think we should just get rid of the door and have an 'open office peeing' reform. That way I wont need to MacGyver my out with my lipgloss and a coathanger every time nature calls.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Phoebe was the best ~F.R.I.E.N.DS~

I miss Phoebe Buffay. She was the best FRIEND on that show.
To be honest I didnt even watch FRIENDS when it first came on....bunch of self involved sarcastic morons.. and then Phoebe came on the screen... ahhhhhhhhhh a breathe of fresh air. I liked Phoebe cos she was a freak. She sang songs about smelly cats.. I sing songs about spanish rice. Phoebe has a twin sister. I pretend to have a twin sister. Every moment was a 'what freaky thing is she going to say??'

In my opinion, (and considering I own the complete FRIENDS boxset.. ) i'm gonna go out on a limb and say she was the best character in the whole show.....

She reminds me of me.

I never know what to say to people?? People come into work for meetings and the thoughts "so.. what does a normal person talk about in these situations??" comes to mind.. and somehow I end up miming holding a guys nutsack to demonstrate my theory on cold water and low sperm count.

This would never have happened to Monica.

And for those who want to hear my Spanish Rice song.. pull up a cactus:

"if you like dry rice....
then you will like the spanish rice...
and if you like your rice dry..
then you will love the spanish rice.
Cha Cha Cha"

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Shit that is right or wrong with the world today

Daniel Johns dating some no name model... so right!!
The Daily Telegraph reports that Sexyman Johns is dating some never heard of before model "Louise Van De Vorst".. about time! All sexy unattainable men should date freakishly attractive models, how else will all the fat ugly fans have something to aspire to?? It's about time he's taken a page out of the Modelisers handbook: ie: How I live everyday, by Leonardo DiCaprio. It's all about Hot Models and Guitar Strings. Good work Johns! Good Work.

The new NKOTB song/filmclip... so not right
Yikes! You'd think being thousandaires, they would be able to afford some wrinkle cream with boswelox... fuckin wrinkly old fuckers. Someone needs to shoot the runner on that filmclip shoot. When Jordon Knight says "rub more vaseline into the lens" you goddam rub more vaseline into the lens... now look what we're stuck with. My 10-year old sexual yearnings for these dudes has dried up. Dried up like a sultana. And nobody likes sultanas.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan.. fucking wrongtown.
Jesus, can someone just fucking shoot Adam Sandler. The days of Billy Madison are long gone, like a sunset in Bermuda. All that remains is unfunny recycled shit, leftovers from Mr Deeds: aka - worst movie ever made. And don't think you're off the hook for trying to be serious in 'Reign Over Me'.. you can't just play The Waterboy in every movie you fuckstick. Die Cunt.

Big Brother 2008.... wrong wrong ricky wrong
*cough cough* RATINGS PLOY. Do you think we are stupid or something?? how laaaame can the weekly tasks get? how much animal abuse can a seeing eye dog take? how many old people can they put in the house? and where are the token homosexuals???!!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

It's time to go... Mandarin Pubes

That's right.. and no i'm not referring to Nicole Kidman.. I'm talking about real life mandarin pubes.

About 10ish years ago, some smart fruit-lover invented the seedless watermelon. Genius. I would never go back to seeds. But who is running the "delicious, but annoying fruit" laboratory now?? its been awhile since someone has sorted out annoying but tasty fruit.

Can they please start with Mandarin Hairs?

These mandarin pubes make eating a mandarin a 10 minute project. Is it worth it? Hardly. The amount of energy the mandarin provides would be far outweighed by the time spent picking off annoying hairs.

That's the problem with winter. No good fruit. I'm cold, I'm wet, I get home in the dark, and I can't eat a mandarin without going blind picking the stupid pubes off. Can't a gal catch a break?

Get back to work scientists. You can't live off the 'seedless watermelon' high forever.

Revolution!!!!!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Nanny Diaries.... Incident

This week, was Rag-Week. aka: Bitch week.

You can't help it. You just act like a bitch..moreso than usual. And last night's The Nanny Diaries Incident really needs to go into the history books as a benchmark period-bitch attack.

It was a saturday night, I really had nothing better to do, I had been invited to a party, but the party was in woolloomooloo.. Woolloomooloo = far away from the couch

So I stayed in and ordered a movie on Foxtel, and settled into a nice snuggly night on the couch for two of us. Not so. Mark haaaaated the movie, and went into the bedroom to sleep instead.

Well. this realllllly pissed me off. Seething. How dare he sleep rather than watch a movie with me?!! especially when I could have been at some stupid party in the city, not that I really wanted to go, but that's not the point.

So I sat on the couch for about 4 hours plotting my revenge.

I thought I would just sleep out there as a show of defiance.. 'yeah well if you'r gonna sleep in there, i'm gonna sleep in here!!.. alll night! yeah see how you like that'..

But eventally I decided to just suck it up and go into the bedroom. I walked around to his side of the bed and blew out the candle.. maybe a little too hard...

Mark suddenly starts screaming because hot wax from the candle that he has been burning all night has formed a giant puddle in the holder and when I blew (a galeforce) breathe to blow the flame out, I accidentally sent a tidal wave of burning hot wax all over mark's face.

Ooops.

So he's screaming, and I'm like "can you fucking stop screaming! I'm trying to sleep!" All the while he keeps coming in and turning lights on and asking me to help him pick out a chunk of wax that has hardened on his eyeball.. but in my mood i'm all "yeah whatever, its your own fault for burning a candle for 6 hours and not watching The Nanny Diaries with me"

Relationships are awesome.

So then marks whinging about all the wax stuck on his arms, and hair, and calling me a bitch for not helping him get it out, and my response is "well I would have helped you, if you werent acting like a jerk".. yeahhhh..

I'm a maniac, maniac thats for sure.. and i'm being a bitch, like i've never been before.

I take no responsibility for anything that transpired. It was my uterus' fault, it had nothing to do with me.