Sunday, April 27, 2008

Movies that make you Hmmmmmmm

Welcome for a very special edition of tonight's "Movies that make you go Hmmmm", tonight we will be looking at a particularly convoluted film known as "The Fountain"



After sitting through the first 20 minutes of said film I turned to my comrade on the couch and was like "do you know what the fuck is going on??" and he was like "nup".... but we kept watching anyway, because visually it was quite amazing, ...and the remote control was nowhere within reaching distance...



However.... 90 minutes later we both relinquished in the fact that we were both too stupid to be watching this film.

It's not often that a film will floor you and make you think that perhaps they graduated you from 2nd grade a little prematurely, but this film is certain to do that.

This film scores a perfect 10 on the World Famous "what-the-fuck-o-meter".. it's not often that a film will score such a high rating on this stringent grading system ranging from:

(1 - 3) * I'm pretty sure I missed some pivotal scenes when I went to clean the kitty litter. I am totally lost but fear saying so as to be proven a complete retard
(4 - 6) * I'm sure they're speaking english.. I just don't understand
(7 - 10)* Durrrrrrrr. Movie.. Make.. Brain.... Hurts.. Turn off now.. thank you!

So there you have it.. 'The Fountain'.. not for stupid people.

I continued watching the credits to catch an interview with the main star Hugh Jackman.. (or as I like to call him Huge Ackman).. I regress..to see if he could shed some light on the film and he had these words of wisdom

"it's a visually spectacular film, and I got to shave my head! everyone should shave their head once, then take that first showers.. it's totally worth it" - Hugh

Perhaps if I too shave my head things will become clear???

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Real Macky D's

Noone wants to be in McDonald's commercials. I totally get it. You're selling out to 'the man' 'the evil corporation corrupting the youth', 'health issues and child obesity' at any rate you're supporting an organisation that fronts itself with a creepy clown, and we all know that clowns are pedophiles.

What I don't understand is why don't they stop marketing their ads towards kids and families and settle on making ads that represent their main demographic.

Drug Fucked Severly Hungover Comatose Alcoholics.

This is where it's at.

Even at the classiest joint, at the end of a long night talk inevitably turns to going to Macky D's.... I could have eaten at a 5 star restaurant, downed umpteen cocktails and still the thought of that lucious burger on my lips will make me run into oncoming traffic on George St in order to get me a quarter-pounder meal deal.

Macky D's is where its at.. if where you're at is 4am and hanging your head in the toilet.

It is the cure-all for deadly hangovers.

Observe:


This is me. A fairly regular occurance of falling asleep under the coats in whatever club we happen to be entertaining that evening, and cracking one bleary eye open only when the mention of fries and burgers is in the air.

"Burgers you say! well I was going to go the bathroom for the 6th time to vomit up my spleen, but I could do with a burger!"

They need to make ads that appeal to the scumbuckets in us all.

INT: We open on a Macky D's.. Wee Hours. A crowd of people who have been on the town drag themselves in. They keep their sunglasses on to keep out the glare of the offending sunlight and the retina dissolving flurescent lighting that pelts down from above.

Someone goes into the bathroom and spews.

Someone falls asleep under the communal newspaper.

Two pingerheads fawn all over each other, drawing fake tattoos on each other from pens stolen from the counter.

People sit down chowing into their burgers and the tagline reads:

Macky D's.. The least offensive thing in your system today.



It's Real. It's Where its at. It's You. It's Me. It's all of us. Don't Deny it. We've all been there. Delicious Burgers for vomitting up later in the day.

A Happy Meal should come with an eyemask, and earplugs, so that when you fall asleep on the L90 for the long busride home, your stomach is full, your blood sugar is high, and you can block out all that ails ya.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Wingardium Leviosa.. Pubes

Got Pubes?

Hermione Granger's got em.



And now for a closer inspection:



Point 1. Those underpants are fucking retarded. Looks like a silky pube prison. I never knew Hermione was such a kinky bitch.
Point 2. I'm glad that there are babes out there sporting the 'au naturale' look. Puts me at ease when i'm twirling the runaway pubes on my thighs for inspiration of a morning.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Die Slouch Boots Die!!

Sure, living in The Dark Ages would have been ass. The plague, dirty water, high mortality rates in childbirth, thinking the earth was flat, no microwaves, no foxtel, no dimmer switch on your lights, no lights in general. Blegh... The Dark Ages really has nothing to offer.. or does it?

The one good thing about living in The Dark Ages would be 'appropriate shoes'. Shoes made for an era, for the people, by the people.



And the most important thing about living in The Dark Ages, would be never having to deal with a freakin Westfield. Which brings me to the influx of the most hideous boots in existance, totally ripped out of the pages of history. The Slouch Boot.



I.can.not.stand.slouch.boots.



Slouch Boots! I'm sorry but these were phased out in the 80's for a reason!! And not only that I can't help but notice the striking similarities to the boots of The Dark Ages.

Why would I want to wear boots that's whole purpose is to give you baggy ankles??

oooh thats hot. Baggy. These boots should come with a FASHION VICTIM shirt as well as a blowtorch to melt these hideous contraptions once the neutrons start firing in your brain again.

I walked all over Sydney looking for suitable boots for this winter. I do not exagerate when I say "all over sydney" (Chatwood/Pitt St/Bondi/Oxford St) Nyarda. Nothing but these butt-fugly slouch boots, or if I was going through a cowgirl phase, there are ample equally fugly cowboy boots out there too.

Where are all the boots for normal people??? When I spend close to $200 on shoes, I intend to wear them until they disintegrate off my feet. What sort of shelf-life do Slouch Boots have?? 6 months?? sorry but I don't live my life through the pages of Cosmo's "whats hot right now". I'm no grandma, but I want sensible shoes. Shoes to last at least 2 years, to go with a variety of different outfits, shoes that won't expire quicker than 'The Rachel' haircut.

I don't ride a horse to work. And last time I checked I wasn't Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl", so can we please get over this phase of boots please??!! If not, can we work on getting the Delorean into working action so I can actually travel back to The Dark Ages, strut around in my eurotrash slouch boots, totally fitting in, and becoming a millionaire with my invention of the flushing toilet.

Excellent. Glad to see we are on the same page.

Boo You Slouch Boots.

Friday, April 18, 2008

I hate those people... exactly like me

Yeah, so... Ugg Boots. Most people would say the Ugg is for use in an interior sense. As in inside your own home. Never to be seen in public. And I tend to agree. Yet every morning when i'm getting ready, I have the Ugg's on and will be 5 mins from leaving the house and I will catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and be like "hot damn, they look pretty smokin with this outfit!" then I will do a house-vote (consisting of mark, and the cat) about wheather or not I should take the big leap into wearing what are essentially giant slippers outside.

I wouldn't go outside in my pyjamas, I wouldn't go outside in my dressing gown, so it should really be a no-brainer when it comes to wearing your ugg-boots outside.

The answer is a firm "yeah you look hot, but if you so much as step foot outside the house with those things on your feet. DIVORCE"

fair enough.. but they are so warm and cosy!!!!! bunch of haters. FUCK YOU! i'm warm! what should I care what people think.

But I do care. Because whenever I see someone else in the street wearing the uggs the first thought through my head is "whooo let the bogans out?? who? who? who? who?"

What kind of Hypocrite would I be to wear them myself and sing Baha Men whenever the sight of others crossed my eyes?

Goddam Pamela Anderson.

this is the wrong way to wear ugg-boots, and you're setting a bad example for retards with no fashion sense to begin with. Is she kidding me? in a bikini? at the beach? yeah she's pretty smokin. But ugg boots weren't meant for this. If you can wear a bikini, you don't need to be wearing ugg boots. Last time I went to Bondi Beach I didn't see any sheep riding the waves.

My awkward situation being, that a) its cold and I want to wear them to work. but b) I cant be seen in public in them. so the solution?

TWO pairs of ugg-boots

Dig my "work pair"

Now I can be warm and toasty alllll day long.. Whilst some might argue that two pairs of ugg-boots is one too many, I say, you're an idiot. (And my tights are pretty cool too.)

All I need to do is solve the problem of 'what to wear in-between home and work'... fur-lined sneakers must be on the horizon?? come on some smart scientist shoe-guy.

What do we want? Furry Shoes!!!!
When do we want it? Now!!!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Space Junk

what are you supposed to do if a piece of spacejunk falls on you or crushes your house? who're you gonna call. goddam nobody actually.



there are currently shitloads of satellites and space-crap orbitting the earth (including rubbish bags from old space stations). and if one of these pieces of crap should careen off its trajectory. its goodbye brain. hello steel plate in my head.

noone is going to claim responsibility for a piece of crap that falls out of the sky and punctures your skull. (unless the lackey who engineered such crap put a sticker "property of huge space nerd" on it)

and I for one am not happy about this.

for years I have put off wearing a helmet around on a daily basis, but after Natalie Portman made it cool in Garden State, I am less worried about lookin like a huge dork, and more concerned about keeping the firing neutrons that work in my head in-tact.

call me paranoid if you will, but i'll be the one laughing on the other side of the fence when you're all walking around with swiss cheese holes in your noggins.

Now.. where to get a helmet?? I find it hard enough to find a pair of jeans that fit properly, let alone a stylish yet protective helmet to go with everyday outfits.. (would I get a second helmet for going out? the 'dressy helmet' if you will??)

I want something that says "safety first" but that also says "fashionably not insane" perhaps this:



I like it. goes with silver or gold jewellery, and has nice flaps over the ears to lower wind-resistance and storing my i-pod headphones in.

Yessir I'd like to get me some o that!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

this one time.. at band camp.. i fucked a tree

yeah.. so this guy apparently cut his leg when he was a teenager, and then a wart grew...and this is what happened:



yeahhhhh.. i'm not saying that i don't believe the whole "wart gets out of control" story, but that is so not the same as my wart. I didn't even bother getting my wart burnt to smithereens because it's such a non-entity... now I am having second thoughts though, as I don't want to end up looking like that. Hell to the motherf*ckin No.

Anyway, the whole 'cut leg/wart' story is just lame. Fess up dude. You're mum got on an out of control all-weekend-bender, woke up in Fangorn Forest and never spoke of the night again.

It's ok, we all know that Treebeard's a total player and that he would have kicked your mum's ass out of bed the moment she woke up. I bet he's late on the child support payments as well.



It's ok. I totally know where this guy hangs out. He's all creepy guarding the tower of some insane "wizard" who dresses all in white and whines about losing his gigantic magic marble all day long. Go whup his ass. The broke-ass tree-genetic-diseased muthaf*#@ker.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Breaking News: Gum

I don't know if you have seen these yet, they are pretty new and by god are they a confusing trapezoid of emotions.



First of all, a LIQUID BLAST is never a good thing. Does it feel like the gum in question just got off on my teeth and gums and jizzed in my mouth? why yes. yes it does.

JUDGEMENT CALL: Foul

Then about 3 seconds after this inital heinous crime of candy, the jizz settles and the gum relinquishes it foulness and becomes regular square peg gum.

What gives? At first I want to punch the idiot who brought this gum in the first place, then write a strongly worded letter laced with anthrax to the Wrigleys company... then I didn't mind it so much and settled into chewing said monstrosity for about 30 mins.

YOU'RE SCREWING WITH MY HEAD MAN!!!!!

I can move ashtrays with my mind

I like to read. Books and Me are like Cheese & Salami, a perfect match. What is better than reading the average book? how about an illegal book blocked by a stupid trade embargo?



Oooh yeah the Tom Cruise Unauthorised Biography. It is everything I hoped it would be.

What is the best part? Feeling like a freedom fighter with my illegal book when snuggled up on the couch? or learning about all the crazy whack shit about Tom Cruise that I didnt know before.. oooh yeah.
Things I have learned thus far.

* Tom Cruise probably lied about having dyslexia? wtf would someone do that? Tom Cruise doesn't need a reason. He is crazy as Batshit Tom Cruise
* Tom Cruise tried to get Rebecca De Mornay fired from 'Risky Business'. why? because he is a cunt.

But the most important thing I learnt is that you don't fuck with Scientologists.

Hell to the No.

If I had enough money I would totally join their crazy cult to live forever in a godlike state in my own mind, and also to learn the skills to move common objects "like ashtrays" with my mind, that would be supersweet, actually I would prefer the skills to move the remote control, so that when it falls behind one of the couch cushions, I don't demolish the entire loungeroom looking for it.

But i won't say a bad thing about the scientologists - lest they frame me for murder for speaking about them being total psycho criminals. (yes. it happened) Nope I'm not gonna say anything, you know "they" could be reading this.

Woo Hoo Scientololgists (but not really) or maybe? (but no..... they suck) unless you are a scientologist, in which case you are ok (except not really you freak)

Boo You Tom Cruise.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Yesterdays News

I rarely comment on other bloggers, as blogging is pretty much just verbal diareah in internet form to which I am completely guilty of myself. But Perez Hilton is soooooooo fucking over-rated it makes me want to smash my computer and strangle myself with my mouse cord as to not have to read his stupid shit anymore

(point 1. my mouse is wireless. I was being dramatic. point 2. yeah i know i don't HAVE to read it. but I can't not read it)

Why the fuck is he so popular? why do they fly him out to australia? why does he get to go to some presidential dinner in washington? you know what it is? it's boring old farts thinking that this is a cool way to tap into youth culture, and that we listen to this prick or something?? He doenst do anything except tell us shit we already know, and doodle on peoples photo's. BIG WHOOP.

You know who should be flown all over the world to meet politicians, have a spot on "the view" have their own show and host the MTV awards.

Todd from
  • I Dont Like You In That Way
  • is a fucking comic genius. His website has me in tears almost every day. He is the funniest blogger I have ever read, and should there ever be any blogging awards that I was interested enough in to care about, I would crown him King and Lord Mayor of Blogville.

    Todd has said such hilarities that are so amazing that I have stolen them for my own, and palmed them off as my brain-gems.

    "Pictures of Angelina flying while she was pregnant with Shiloh caused an outrage back in 2006, but whatever. I'm sure this baby is cool with it. It's the being born thing that he needs to worry about. If the first thing my face touched in the world was Angelina Jolie's vagina, it's easy to see how the rest of my life could be disappointing."

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaa.

    Boo You Perez.

    Up with Todd!
    Down with Perez (the hack)

    Wednesday, April 09, 2008

    Bendy

    Can your ruler do this?



    small things amuse me

    think of all the money I could have saved at school, what with constantly snapping rulers from sitting on them and throwing them at teachers heads.

    Tuesday, April 08, 2008

    I'm Buying a Car

    Gotta Love Complaint Forms:

    Dear Sydney Buses,

    This is just to generally say that Sydney Buses are so completely USELESS that I am going to buy a car. I wil buy the cheapest and most death-trap car I can find, one that runs on the most expensive petrol and emits a carbon dioxide cloud to kill at least 10 people.

    What is the point of the government and environmentalists wankers harping on about how terrible cars are if the alternative is to to get a piggy back ride from a court jester with varying syndomes and severe degrees of retardation.. to which I refer to a BUS.

    I have to catch the bus to work every morning, and since the beginning of the year. The bus has been late 70 times. Thats every day for 14 weeks so far.

    Good Work. Sydney Buses. Good Work.

    I arrive at my stop to catch the 8.20 bus, this however is never an option as the 8.20 bus leaves about 5 mins early. this eager attitude i'm sure comes in handy in other situations, but its pretty pointless for me seen as how the bus I am supposed to catch leaves too early for me to catch it.

    My next option is to catch the 8.30 bus. This bus never comes. Again, excellent work Sydney Buses.

    The 8.40 bus is therefore the bus I am forced to catch, so that is 20 mins of waiting around because 2 buses couldnt work their shit out and do their job properly.

    The 8.40 bus is a prime example of idiocrisy at its best. I sometimes have to wonder if its not just an escaped panda in a bus driver vest taking me on my weekly sojourn.

    Today the busdriver refused to leave Bondi Junction Interchange because he wanted to argue with a school kid about his shoes. There is a time and a place to abuse your authority, but when 60 other people did wear the right shoes and need to get to work on time, maybe just suck it up and move on. Teenagers are jerks, we all know this. You arent proving you are a hero by stopping the bus and refusing to move until he puts his shoes on. He has parents. Let them deal with his behavioural issues.

    Yeah, so thats why i'm buying a car. I will contribute 15 million tonnes of crap to the widenning carbon footprint. Goodbye future trees of tomorrow, Hello Smog Cloud.

    I would rather be part of a total destruction of the eco-system than waste one more day sitting on the worlds biggest joke of a public transport system.

    Yours Never.

    Rachel

    Monday, April 07, 2008

    Ode To Other People

    Why don't you tell me when I got shit in my teeth?
    Why don't you tell me when I got shit in my teeth?
    Why don't you tell me when I got shit in my teeth?
    I've been talking to people all day with a pube in my gums.

    Why don't you tell me when I got sauce on my face?
    Why don't you tell me when I got sauce on my face?
    Why don't you tell me when I got sauce on my face?
    No wonder noone takes me seriously at the IGA anymore.

    Why don't you tell me when my fly is undone?
    Why don't you tell me when my fly is undone?
    Why don't you tell me when my fly is undone?
    It's period week and i'm wearing my baggiest of underpants.

    Why do you walk over here when I just did a fart?
    Why do you walk over here when I just did a fart?
    Why do you walk over here when I just did a fart?
    I've been sitting here alone all morning, and this is when you choose to come over?

    Who the hell are you when i'm telling racist jokes?
    Who the hell are you when i'm telling racist jokes?
    Who the hell are you when i'm telling racist jokes?
    I didnt even realise we had any chinese people working here.

    Why do you stand so close when I have really bad BO?
    Why do you stand so close when I have really bad BO?
    Why do you stand so close when I have really bad BO?
    Do you really need to go through my desk right now? my roll-on deoderant ran out this morning.

    Why?

    Friday, April 04, 2008

    Very Questionable Sushi

    There are few things in life where it's good news when the tone of the food is "questionable", the worst definitely being sushi.

    Today I had some very questionable sushi for lunch. I fully expect to be up to my eyeballs in toilet seat later on.

    Blegh



    I probably should have eaten a bowl of mixed nuts from a titty-bar in the deep seedy recesses of the Kalgoorlie Mining Towns. We all know they dont wash their hands, whats a bit of streptocochie between friends?

    Tuesday, April 01, 2008

    Back-Boob McGee

    I get a lot of comments like "all you do is whinge and complain on this blog" yeah? and? what's your point? I write this pretty much for my own amusement so I can laugh to myself at how much I crack myself up, yeah i'm up myself, i'm a comical genius, I am my own number one fan. So if you do happen to read my blog, its really of no consequence to me, its a bonus if you like it, if you don't.. are you on my christmas card list? then I dont really care. And right now, I'm pretty much whinging and complaning about you whingeing and complaining about my whingeing and complaining, and thats the kind of maths I dont even want to think about. It hurts me in the brain-part.

    On with the Whingefest.

    Wow, some people really have NO FUCKING IDEA about Public Transport Etitquette. I have waxed lyrical about this annoyance many times in the past, but every day the general public manages to surprise me with its own dickwittage.

    I hate people who stand so close to me. I bet a lot of people hate it too, why else would The Police pen a song called "dont stand so close to me" we are on the same wavelength, Sting and I.. and I bet Sting would totally be on board with what i'm about to say.

    When I am in line to buy my ticket, or standing in line to get off the transport device, or pretty much just anywhere in life where standing is required. Do not stand behind me and press your gigantic boobs into my back. It really grosses me out. It's uncomfortable for everyone involved. My shoulderblades don't like your fat mammories pressed up against them, and the other people who have to witness me gagging at this this bizarre sexual assault. Your boobs won't make the line go faster. Step Off Biatch.

    Whilst we're on the topic of personal space, when sitting is required, and if you must sit next to me. Please do not continue to sit next to me once the bus is empty and there are 500 other seats. It's just weird. Just assume that everyone on PT hates you doesn't want their bodyparts touching your bodyparts. And when I say everyone. I mean Me.

    People who can't work the ticket machine. Jebus, how retarded do you have to be? money goes in, ticket comes out. Why does that take you 15 minutes to figure out? Why is it always someone in my line who needs a quick karate jab to the back of the head to make them think quicker?

    And finally what is with those people who work at BOOST Juice being so peppy? I ordered a juice, I didn't ask for a side order of you singing Michael Buble. Michael Buble sucks on so many levels, and you singing it with your peppyness and your green bandana really takes the joy out of getting the juice to begin with. Shut up already and let me listen to the sweet melody of mangoes and passionfruits being grinded up in the blending machine.

    Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    OOh yeah that whinging and complaining felt so goood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I prescribe everyone to have a great whinge and complain, it heals the soul. The black recesses of the soul. ZING!