Monday, December 29, 2008

Cairns (twang) where everything wants to kill you


I tropical city set amongst mountain ranges, and cane fields. Are we in Thailand? could be. Perhaps we could trick our kids (cos kids are stupid) and tell them we are in Hawaii, then laugh about it later.

Being that Cairns is technically in its wet season, every morning we wake up and do a traditional sundance which consists of eating fruit toast and thinking sunny thoughts. Unfortunately the air-conditioning is broken, so having 15 showers a day is a necessity, as is being attached to the fan. The beaches are un-swimmable because they are muddy brown and have creatures that will kill you. It's a pretty fun town.


One thing it is very important to do on christmas, is torture the cat - as we did, with suitable reindeer accessories. He was none too pleased and casually stuck a claw in my finger later as we played 'catch my hand'

Everyone is jealous of my awesome pool. Especially now that I am superfit from all my christmas pilates workout - this move I call: the beached whale

Other activities one can undertake in Cairns are going to swimming holes, and generally spending 80% of the time in some sort of wet status. Swimming though is always a danger, with stingers, crocodiles, and even inatimate rocks out to kill you at every chance they get. Hence why my toddler pool is a winner, as the scariest thing in there.. is me.

Wildlife Report:

1 wallaby in the park - check
1 kangaroo with gigantic nuts - check, however on closer inspection it turned out to be Cisco Adler, so this doesn't count.
4 sea turtles gliding past and nomming on seagrass - check. Turtles are the 'cats of the sea' however if you thought you could accidentally stand on its head, try to hug it and try to beat it in a race, you would be mistaken.
1 huge stingray - check. Q: How fast does a person swim away from a stingray?? A: fucking fast.
White Lipped Green Tree-Frogs - check, rescued from the road and smelling like paprika.
1 Blue Meanie - check.. didnt expect to see any of these guys in a non-beatles-film, but perhaps Green Island is their natural habitat??

1 horse doing a huge wizz on the side of the road - check
zillions of toad roakill - check. glorious roadkill. death in all its glory.

Oh Toad
Why must you congregate on the Road?
What is it that you require?
That makes you want to make love to my tyre.

I am sporting excellent sunburn on the backs of my knees, and have eaten at least 2kg in lychees from 'the lycheeman' in the past 3 days.

Mmmmmmmm lychees.

As the week progresses - More death defying swimming jaunts, is it wrong to drive over the speed limit in order to get to the lychee-man on time?? NYE, will it just be a guy with a sparkler on the beach? Who is the best at charades? How many more dead toads can we desecrate?

Monday, December 22, 2008

Don't Fuck with Me... I'm Tanned

So, being tanned.. a controversial topic in todays body obsessed society.

Last week I went to drinks with a couple of girlfriends, and when the oggling rating got back to us, I was the "pasty but hot one".. Pasty!!! but Hot..Is that even a compliment?? I don't think so. Which would explain why I had to go home via Maccy D's and have two burgers to drown out the suicidal thoughts of jumping off the ferry on the way home.

However this saturday I was out with some friends, and my good friend has a girlfriend who is The Mega-Tan. You can see her tan from space.. I finally coaxed everybody back to my place for my amazing cheese platter, and the conversation turned to B's crazy tan.

"how long do you tan for?"
"don't you realise the irreversable damage you're doing to your skin?"
"do you want to look like a wallet or something?"
"who has time for 8 hours of tanning a day? can't you just read your books in the shade?"

To which she replied to all our probing "guys, I don't think we came here to discuss my tan.."

True. having a tan-er-vention wasn't what I had in mind. But, for once the conversation was steering towards how great my pasty white skin was, so I wasn't about to let that opportunity slip by.

Seen as how I am going to caiiiirnns (twang) for 2 weeks I decided that I would go hard and against everything my body stands for and get a TAN.

God i'm hot now.

Yeah i'll walk around woolworths with no bra on.. I'm tanned
I'll walk around Westfield in the housiest pants I have... I'm tanned
I don't have to brush my hair.. I'm tanned

The crazy thing is this colour is a number ONE!!!!!!! imagine if I went a number TWO! i'd be an ethiopian.. that's the thing with tanning, once you go brown, you want to go darker. I just want to be a pair of floating eyeballs in a dark room when the lights go out.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Reasons why I am a douche at Christmas

* This year to feel like a total self-righteous angelina jolie angel baby (cunt), I brought everyone goats, pigs, ducks and chickens from Oxfam. Just so when they open their card and I be all "thats the present! get it! you get a stupid card and some povo african gets a goat!??!" god i'm cool. However secretly I really want a pair of $250 sunglasses. And I am going to make my dad buy them for me. BWAH AHAHAHHA. I am so 'above' your consumerism, and this tacky holiday.. but unless I get those glasses there will be tantrums.

* I would realllllly like to sit on Jeremy Pivens chin when he is smoking this look:

*I lied and told everyone in my husbands family I was turning vegetarian so I could make a scene and be annoying & difficult at our christmas luncheon, also I can be a high and mighty jerk "sorry but meat is murder, are you enjoying your christmas goat??" whilst I sit in my new $250 sunglasses and eat a plate of sausages out the back when noone is looking. HAHAH!!

*I'm going to Cairns (twang) for a holiday and it will be fuuucking hot up there, so I brought a pool. a pool for one. haaha. sucked in losers. good luck trying to get into my pool. not when me and my fat ass are in there hogging the cool waters. suckers!!!!

* I weaseled out of work next week, so I could get a spray tan and play Guitar Hero instead. HAHA!

I'm sure I will come up with more jerky things to do this holiday season.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Smelly Cat Homeless Piss Beach

Smelly Cat

I have never seen a cat enjoying a dirt patch and twigs so much before in my life. Granted Lenny is held captive in the spare room 24/7, and at most he gets a whiff of life outside when a piece of bark flies in from the trees outside, but this cat was going to town in the dirt this morning. How I wish I could get half as excited about something in my life that this cat does from shit on the sidewalk

Homeless Piss
Ahh what better smell to wander around in when you're at the post-office first thing in the morning... Could they not have hosed the piss away??.. granted there was a homeless guy sleeping in it, but come on! Can they not see the DINK-vibe emanating from me?? we need some Salvation Army peeps in here stat. I don't want to look at anything that gritty before I have my morning Chai (because I am a DINKy wanker)


Ahh lunchtime spent in the shade, with a long-sleeve cardigan on and tights.. Tan? What? I'll be the one laughing when those sorry fools being burned to a crisp get their shoulders removed from skin-cancer. Yes the most famous beach in Sydney does look good in the lunchtime sun.. I'll be impressed when we have an ozone layer.

And that is was my day...

Friday, December 12, 2008

Fee this Mofos

I hate booking fees.

WTF are they for?

Nothing worse than planning a night out, booking your tickets then BAM! $3.80 booking fee.. we'll that puts my "entertainment for under $30" budget totally out of whack now.

Considering I'm picking the tickets up from the venue I really don't understand what this bullshit extra money is for... can it be a credit card transaction fee charge?? The poor cunts who work at the newsagent only charge an extra 50c when I purchase my bus-ticket on credit card and that costs more than my tickets..

Can't they just work the fee into the total amount so I am mentally prepared? I'd rather not know about it. When I'm being raped in the extra-fee department, I'd rather be kept in the dark.

That extra $3.80 really ate into my eyepatch fund. Now my outfit will look stupid.

Without the eyepatch, i'm just a jerk in red suspenders.

Screw You Booking Fee!!!!!!!!!!!!
What are you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Hippie Dust

At some point, one has to think of the possibilities of the afterlife. Are we just wormfood in the ground? or do we go to a more spiritual place? one things for certain.. you don't take your physical body with you. So what to do with it??

Burn it to a crisp?? or bury yourself 6 feet under.

I think this decision separates the two distinct types of people in the world.

Hippies & Undead Soldiers.

Hippies for instance, want to be burned and have their ashes scattered around the place to be part of the wind, the ocean, a tree. That's boring. The only good thing about becoming dust is that you will be able to fly into someones lungs and haunt them from inside by giving them a nasty cough for the rest of their life.

I personally want to be buried and have my corpse rot and decompose over a decade or two, so that when some evil wizard raises us all from the dead, I can fight in the ultimate war of stupid humans VS the ultimate skeleton army.

Yeahhhh. That's gonna be a great day.

Too bad if you're a dusty hippie in the wind and a breeze blows past and you miss the whole thing.

Corpse Forever.
Dust Never.

Monday, December 08, 2008


I saw Australia this weekend. What a great movie

There are tonnes of haters out there, people who won't even give the film a chance

"why'd they call it Australia??? that's stupid"
"I hate Nicole Kidman"

First, a movie is about more than just its title, second, a movie is bigger than one actress.

Australia was captivating and beautifully shot, it made me want to take a trip out to the middle of Australia, for someone who has lived in this country my whole life its pretty pathetic that I've seen about 5% of the countryside.

However, the most important part of seeing this film is I feel the window it gives us into Aboriginal Culture, something that has been swept under the rug for too long. After walking out of this film I felt ashamed to be Australian. I learned that we were still stealing children from their parents as late as 1973. That is fucked up. That means that some of the girls I went to highschool with, their older sisters might have been taken from their families and sent to whitey missions. Awful.

Go and see this film.
See it for the beauty of the countryside
See it for Hugh's manly stubble
See it for Nicole Kidman's hilarious performance
Most Importantly - Go see it for the Aboriginies.
We owe it to them.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Dolly Doctor

Dear Dolly Doctor,

A friend of mine has a question.... so last weekend she had a huuuuge night, and went out with a girlfriend of hers who was packing cheese massively (read: hectic thrush) at the end of the night my friend passed out in the bathroom naked, blacked out, and crawled into bed with thrush-girl, and they both slept nude together till morning.

Is it possible for taco cheese to somehow crawl up someones leg onto my friends face?? Or maybe when she was passed out in the bathroom she was face down in her underpant funk and she got fungal transferrance like that?

I ask this because my friend now has this weird red patch on her face, which I think is fungal. She doesn't think its possible to get thrush on ya face, but hey them's the breaks when you're a dirty ho-bag who sleeps in the nude with your face in someone elses vagina.

Pls advise.

Not Me.. this is for a friend.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Beautiful Bruise

Beautiful Bruise

With your breathtaking hues

You touch my heart like a sunset
You sting my skin like a bee

Friday, December 05, 2008

Evil Smell Test

Look carefully at this picture

Now read this

And tell me that you can't smell French Fries emanating from the screen.


I'm having total olfactory hallucinations. Are McDonalds that evil a corporaton that they have rigged their webpages with magical html code that seeps out burger smells to the unknowing reader?? I think yes.

Ok. Grimace. WTF is that thing?? a big purple triangle monster. Why would this fat tub of lard make me want to eat burgers?? and 'Grimace'.. for enticing you to eat. They should have kept this advertising campaign going, as turning into Grimace is a good enough reason to not buy McDonalds.

Mayor McCheese forever!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Lamepoint Tower

When I was a kid in the 80's we moved to Sydney when I was 8 years old. Upon my arrival in Sydney one mystical tower enthralled and excited me beyond belief.

Centrepoint Tower

Wow. Talk about a lame overrated piece of shit building these days.

Centrepoint is sooooooooo 80's. I'm not impressed anymore.

Once upon a time this building was probably pretty tall. I remember it being an adventurous occasion to go in the lift. ZOMG!!! we're going up 30 stories!!! no way!!

However, we have built bigger and better buildings since 1981. I think i've been in higher buildings at Westfield Bondi.

One thing I do miss about the 80's in the city, was they used to have these siiiiiic Lego Exhibitions, usually in Centrepoint or David Jones and you'd go into a whole floor and EVERYTHING was made out of Lego. Lego Mermaid, Lego Pirate Ship, Lego Ocean.. Why did this stop? Lego is fucking awesome. I would pay to see this again.

Centrepoint Tower however, I spit in your general direction.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Cat Abuse

I have a new game. Well its not NEW new, I have had it a week, and yes I do have arthritis in my hand now.

Guitar Hero World Tour.. can I get a hell yeah!

Last year when we got Guitar Hero III for christmas I played the game for about 15 hours straight and my hand cramped up so much that I thought i'd have to go to the emergency room to get help. That's dedication.. what can I say? that damned 'Knights of Cydonia' by MUSE was really hard to beat.

This year we have had Guitar Hero 'World Tour' brought for us, and this time it includes a drum kit, an extra guitar and a microphone. Bascially it will turn any family gathering into an episode of the Partridge Family. Or in a general party setting, you're bound to make friends with everyone in the room as its hard to be anti-social when you're trying to beat a really hard song together. That's the definition of teamwork.

You might notice that yes, it is the first week of December and I have unpacked my new toy. What can I say?? I have no self-control. But rest assured I will spend these hot summer nights trying to crack the new setlist, whilst getting massive cramps and causing serious damage to my tendons.

Plus its a good excuse to abuse the cat.

Goooo Lenny! kicking ass on Medium!

Once you get him on, you can't get him off..Will you shut up! you sound like... well like a cat. If only they had 'lovecats' by the Cure, then at least he could be relevant. We'll never finish the game at this rate.