Thursday, October 02, 2008

Summer.

Summer. Stinks.

You know what really gets on my goat? How everyone harps on about summer. “Oh I cant wait till summer” “only one month till summer”… whatever. Summer is Lame. Lets take a good look at all the great things that summer supposedly thrusts upon us for those 3 months a year.

Sweat: yeah those soaring high 30’s temperatures are a dream! If you relate dreaming to having a nightmare. I don’t know about you, but I break out into a sweat by answering my phone, let alone in summer when the mere act of blinking induces a waterfall of sweat to pour down my face.

Tanning: when will people get it into their heads that tans are bad for you? It’s called Cancer, and furthermore when I’m 55 I don’t want to look like a wrinkly old handbag left out in the rain. Summer just amplifies the fact that I have glow in the dark white skin, they can seriously see my white skin from space. I don’t need 3 months of people running away from me blocking their eyes from the rays bouncing off my porcelain limbs.

Sleeping: forget it. There is no such thing as sleeping in summer. Especially if you share your bed with another human and cat. It’s like an inferno in there! I keep having recurring dreams for 16 weeks straight that I’m stuck on the surface of the sun and wake up in a pool of sweat with my blanket stuck to me like superglue. Oh yeah. Summer is rad.

Clothing: or lack of. Hey maybe for the pervs and the ho’s summer is a great time to freely ogle the boobs on constant display, and it’s a good a time as any to get your vadge out in a non-existent skirt. I remember last summer there was a craze of shirts and no pants. None. Uh last time I checked pants were kinda pivotal to putting an outfit together. I bet the Norwegians never have this problem. No pants is an eyesore, specially when half the naked chicks out there look the exact opposite of Kate Moss.

Social Life: I’m lazy. I admit it, I would rather spend 18 hours on my couch inside watching a Heroes marathon than outside talking shit to strangers at the pub. But in summer spending time indoors is the biggest sin you can commit (next to being white) I hate feeling guilty about not doing anything, I hate feeling obliged to go out and have “fun” when I could be sprawled out in the nude spraying myself with a bottle and using a bag of frozen peas to cool down my nether regions.

And finally, the worst thing about summer is having had that mundane conversation everyday “isn’t it hot!” yes. Yes it’s hot. It was hot yesterday and it’s going to be hot tomorrow. Its called summer. Did the heat shrink your brain or something? cos I recall us having this conversation every single day for the past 8 weeks.

Bragh. Summer. Next year, I’m moving to the North Pole.

6 comments:

Laura Parker said...

Haha that last bit is so true man. Everyone ALWAYS goes 'Oh man, it's so hot today', for like every day of the summer. WTF.

Anyway, read MY blog now so we can be friends on the internets.

Sarah said...

I'm only really happy when it's warm enough for me to bum around in my underwear and I get depressed when I don't get enough sun.

Every winter my feet turn into these soft, pale, scary-looking things with blue toenails from the cold- I only see them once a day for 10 minutes when I shower and as soon as the weather warms up they get blisters from every single pair of footwear I own except the ones I wore all winter, because the skin on them is all soft and pathetic and can't cope with the change. Plus I get back pimples in winter from having to wear clothes all the damn time, even though I exfoliate like crazy. As soon as I can wear singlet-tops or a bikini and get some sun, they disappear.

Summer rocks. Winter sucks. You can have your North Pole, I'm dreaming of Cairns :P

Rach said...

Sarah - you sound really sexy in winter.

i agree that this winter did suck. I know a girl who actually got FROSTBITE!!! i know! like? wtf was she doing? outside rescuing Polar Bears or some shit?

and i am going to Cairrrrrns at Christmas...

woO!! i'm gonna sit in a hammock on top of a sprinker.. one - cos its gonna be 45 degrees, and two - because sitting on a waterjet feels good.

Laura - yeah i'll stalk you good. Then when the internet becomes self aware it will come knocking on your door

"sarah connor?"......

Mex said...

i dont mind summer but i REALLY hate people whinging about the weather. in winter "oh my its so cold today" YES YOU MORON, in winter it gets COLD thats just what happens and guess what?? in Summer it gets hot!

Sarah said...

Make me jealous, why don't you! I loved your frog-in-the-bathroom post from your last trip :D

Plank said...

For fuck's sake stop talking about moving and fucking leave already, no one wants you here anyway, trashy douche hole