Thursday, September 18, 2008

Against my Religion

I'm not a typically religious person per se, aside from knowing the words to a few 'lamb of god' hymns.. I would really like to latch onto a religion that was against a lot of useless things just so I could say "thats against my religion", unfortunately most religions are against things I enjoy, like being bad, slutty, and gay.

Pythagoreanism is one such religion that appeals, and follows such laws as:

Do not, under any circumstances, eat beans
Smooth out all bodily indents on pillows and/or beds
Do not walk on highways

I'm down with all these things. For one, 3 bean salad is just fucking disgusting

Every time you go to someones house for a BBQ, fucking 3 Bean salad makes its heinous appearance. Gross. Finally someone who understands where I am coming from in my diversion to these clearly evil beans.

As for the making the bed neat policy, well thats all good and well for me (I am fairly anal about having a made bed) and I rarely walk anywhere, let alone walk on highways.

Before becoming a convert however, I would like to research more into what sort of Heaven Pythagoreans go to, because if its sitting around measuring triangles and working out angles and doing maths for eternity... count me out.

Down with Maths
Down with Beans

There is just no religion out there that suits, they should have one where the following things were abhorrent.

It would be nice being able to show up at work at midday, never having to get up earlier than 10.30am, because it’s against your religion.

It’s against my religion to pay more than $10 for movie tickets, tight-ass Tuesday should be tight-ass everyday for the devout.

It’s totally against my religion to give money at weddings, whenever I open one of those stupid ‘give us your money’ poems, a little bile rises and I vow to give nothing but a handful of change or a vile heirloom.

It’s against my religion to attend family get-togethers, where everyone gets drunk and yells at each other.

It’s against my religion to accept ugly gifts from my mother-in-law, it should also be said that it is totally against my religion to listen to/partake in, anything my mother-in-law says, does or gives.

It is against my religion to pay $250 a head at a restaurant, I don’t care how good the chef is, unless that meal comes with a week of free rent and ticket to Thailand.

It is against my religion to care about how many calories are in a quadruple cheeseburger, I don’t care if it kills me. It tastes good.

It’s against my religion to enjoy typical Australian things – ie: cricket, meat pies, and the sun. We enjoy dark rooms, olive tapenade and watching Celebrity Rehab.

Open for new recruits, pass the collection plate around, we meet on Tuesdays, BYO own bong and money to throw at homeless people.


Epskee said...

Now THAT sounds like one I could really go for!

Funnily enough, i had a discussion with someone today that ended with fits of laughter and the comment that it was so going to go on my blog, but i think its more apt here.

Apparently there is a sect of the sunni muslim religion where amongst other forms of insanity, it is their religion to not eat eggs or honey. Why, I hear you ask? Well, thats because the hen and the rooster arent married when they produce eggs, and the pollen used by the bees to make the honey is stolen goods.

Yes i know its a long comment (sorry) and TOTALLY oversimplified, but hey, it sure did float my boat as far as religion goes! Even better than scientology and Jehovas witness'!

KittyMeow said...

Sign me up!!! Sheesh - I fuckin hate religion but if you're starting up this one, then I'm joining! :-D

Jobe said...

Is that fucking zucchini in there?

Fuck that off for a joke.

If it's cucumber, it's not that much more acceptable.

xl said...

I'm with you on the new religion. Except that I like Aussie meat pies. May I have an exemption on that?

Memphis Steve said...

I like the idea of forming my own new religion. I'd join yours, but I like math. And the sun. But I'm with you on the 3 bean salad. Maybe I could be a "reform" Pythagoreanist? Although, typically with religions anyone calling themselves a 'reform' anything really just means they like going to meetings, but don't believe in the fundamental religion itself at all. They would just go to a bar, but they like dressing up in ugly hats or old suits and suiting in hard wooden benches while listening to someone else talk on and on while they pretend to be listening, so a bar really isn't suited to them.

Maybe I should just stick with the one I've got then? But it was fun to think about.