Monday, August 11, 2008

On a very special OPRAH: Things I learnt in "the hunner"

Anyone from Australia will know what i'm talkin about when I refer to "the hunner".. The Hunner refers to 'The Hunter Valley" land of wine, cheese, and nature.

So I grape touched. I sniffed cheese. I rode a horse.

anyone who lives in a make believe land where you buy into the myth that australia is overrun with kangaroo's.. well here I am with said roo's (small tiny dots in the background).. albeit in a yes, they do exist like you think they do.

Now what did I learn in "The Hunner"

First up: when you order a seafood pasta, you kinda don't expect it to show up with little vaginas cooked all the way through. Vaginas in black spaghetti? i dont know what freak thought up this vagina/pube pasta dish.. but I would like to get to know them.

Issues arising whilst watching OPRAH, after a long day in about 200 wineries:

Oprah should really just start a new racist program called "Paanies" (cos she is incapable of saying 'panties' like a regular person) "Paanies" would be a show for really angry people, and racists.. ie: black people who hate white people. (Spike Lee and Oprah would feature on every episode) On the first Episode I would like to see a feature presentation on "whatever happened to Lisa Bonet".. who did she date? and who is she dating now?

It would be nice to also get Bill Cosby on the program, but we thought he may actually be dead, in which case you just could just get a hold of "Oprahs Medium TV" - on which she can speak to the dead... Hey its Oprah people.. she can do whatever she wants. She's fucking rich Ok.

Next up: we would discuss 'is Bill Cosby a Hutu or a Tutsi?' and is it too soon to have the new band 'the tutsi slayers' on the program??

Other guests would include Ramian Henderson (distant relative or maybe just possible stalker of Martin Henderson) he is white however so Spike Lee and Oprah would probably just white-bash him with a sock filled with quarters.

One pivotal part of any Oprah show is when she fixes some idiots lifelong dream of meeting hack David Cassidy, or helps you after you were just raped by 400 bears... so I plan on writing to Oprah:

"Dear Oprah.. is my dad gay??" (she loves the gays)
I think he might be.. every day after school he would come home with his buddies from the construction site and watch Bold & the Beautiful. I don't care if he is gay. But I would like a million dollars. Pls send a cheque so I can open my lifelong dream "The Centre for gays who live in the closet but like to watch B&B in mass groups". Thanks Oprah. PS - I am black. Where's my cheque?

"PAANIES" - Oprahs new show.. coming never to a TV near you.


blokeman said...

Roos do exist. I now live in a place where driving certain places around dusk and night-time is considered a good way to write off your car due to Kangaroo collisions.

Ahh country life. I drove to Aldi yesterday and went the back way, and since the Cane had just been cut out the back of Urraween I saw.

1 - An Eastern Brown Snake on the road
2 - Cows
3 - Horses

This was like 300 metres from Aldi.

I have almost forgotten what it was like to live in the City.

I thought you learned your lesson with muscles years ago!

surfercam said...

That pasta does look like it has little vage's all through it!!!

Helen said...

The medium TV would be a great idea - you'd never have to worry about ratings because you could list all the viewers in "a better place"

Anonymous said...

ah aren't you a Newcastle Bogan? pretentious cow!

Rach said...

hmm "technically" I wouldnt clarify myself as a Newcastle Bogan.. then again I can get myself from Glebe Road to just about anywhere in NC town.. "technically"

Anonymous said...

what a pretty pink scarf

Anonymous said...

blokeman gave me a woody