Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Escapee

I have a truly disgusting story to share with you, and I don't think that it even needs to be shared, but i'm gonna share it anyway.

It's a little story I call: The Escapee... Tampon

Once upon a time, there was a girl. A girl on her rag. It had crept up on her the night before, so she was day 1 into her flow.. Any girl out there knows that the first day of Flo-Time is like Nigara falls, but rather than a waterfall. its a vagina. and rather than water. its a vagina. and rather than marilyn monroe shooting 'Niagra'... its a vagina.

So... day 1..... get up.. tampon goes in. Girl goes to work (a mainly sedentary position) and gets up to go for a walk around lunchtime.. She goes to the bank, to the post-office, past the biscuits in the bakery. She goes into the cafe to buy a coffee. When she feels it.

HELLO! I am your tampon! I have had enough!! I'm warm, slimy, and full, and I want out!! Out Out Out. I dont care that you're standing around ordering a drink. I'm leavin!

And you feel it sliiiiiiding out.. and touching your knickers. So its not really in. And its not really out. It's just there, and its wrong.

So you give the coffee maker a deathstare which he should really interpret as "hurry the fuck up, my tampon is doing Clint Eastwood on me. In that the Tampon is Clint Eastwood, and my vagina is Alcatraz"

And you walk back to the office. Weirdly. And horribly. And its like you're pooping out the front. And its not good. And it plops into the toilet, and you thank god you wore underpants today, as how are you gonna explain that to the kind people at the IGA?

Yeah......... G.I.R.L.T.A.L.K.. girltalk.....'you've been talkin trash again, oh no.. you're up and down the halls, writing on the walls, everybody knows its you. show me what you're made of.." - The Donnas.


leis said...

oh.... fuck!

chaitee said...

hahahha, man, i know that feeling. i've never lost it before, but have sure had some panic attacks thinking that i was about to.

always refreshing to hear women actually speak of this kind of thing, 'cos it happens, and it's hilarious.

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

Lol yes, god it's awful. But who can you whinge to except the internet?

Gam said...

inquiring minds want to know which days you don't wear underpants.

Anonymous said...

LOL i am really laughing out loud!!!! first time someones blog post has made me do that. that was sooooooooooooo funny and well written. I use pads so no worries for me :) thank goddddddd you had undies on imagine it falling onto the floor while getting coffee LOLLLLLLLLLLLL.

Thanks for the laugh girl.


etoilee8 said...

You have described this scenerio to a t. It always happens in public, in a place where you don't want it to happen. . . it happened to someone I knew once while she was getting pulled over by a cop. Since she already knew she was getting a ticket and there was no way out. .. she looked him dead in the eye and said "can you hurry up? My tampon is full and I'm bleeding in my pants". He may have ruined her day. .. but I assure you, she ruined his too.