Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Witness Protection Program

I just don't think the Witness Protection Program is ever going to work for me.

Whilst I have many dreams of grandeur about being whisked away in a private jet to the Amalfi Coast, and spending the rest of my days soaking up the rays on a yacht, the reality is that the prosecution would probably send you somewhere a lot less exotic.... like Coffs Harbour.

Personally I would rather be shot in the head or be fitted for some cement boots to sleep with the fishes than live in Coffs Harbour.. Coffs Harbour is like a gigantic retirement village, and surely I would find it incredibly difficult to live incognito in such a drab place, the defense would find me and I would end up dead in a ditch, but had to live with the misfortune of having lived in Coffs Harbour.

Small town living just aint for me, for one thing I have such a big mouth that I wouldnt be hidden very long.. If even the slightest exciting thing happens to me I am on the phone within 20 seconds phoning and texting everyone "guess what I just saw!!!!" I couldnt keep a secret like being under witness protection for long.. Specially if I was living in Coffs Harbour where nothing interesting ever happens, the whole town would know within a day when I organise my "this town sucks, who wants to hear about my exciting news" parade.

I just don't know how I would also deal with a name change.. unless it was something really spectacular like ANGEL MONROE, I dont think I could live life as a BARB SMITH, who is BARB SMITH?? whoever she is, she aint me. I'm sure she likes the incessant Banana Festivals of Coffs Harbour, and she probably makes and sells her own Banana Jam and knits bonnets in the shapes of Bananas, but I cant handle that.. Again, i'd rather be shot with a poison arrow through the neck than live my life as BARB SMITH.

So basically if I am ever a witness to a crime you commit can we just work it out now?? I wont testify against you in return for you not making me go mental in a small town where there is one 'Main' street, the only place to shop is Target Country.

1 comment:

redcap said...

Barb Smith is pretty dismal, but what if some perverse prick said your new name was going to be Doris Lillecrappe? I think I'd rather be eat my own feet.