Friday, March 28, 2008

Massive Fucking Spider in the Bathroom Club


INT: Bedroom. Nighttime.
2 people sleep soundly in the bed, there is a cat in the middle and he is hogging most of the room. A digital clock on the nightstand blinks 2.34am

Suddenly the noise of a car approaching and drunken youths stumbling about awakens the girl who was sleeping

LOUDCUNT: *incoherant drunken rambling*
DISAFFECTED MALE YOUTHS: *drunken rambling*

The car is put on idle and the YOUTHS stand around being loud jerks.

LOUDCUNT runs down the alley towards her unit. CLIP CLOP CLIP CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP. She is running in high heels. She is clearly very inebriated.



LOUDCUNT: omg you have to come back inside, there is the biggest massive fucking spider I have ever seen in the bathroom right now


LOUDCUNT: Are you kidding@!! its enormous. There's no way i'm going back in there



Sounds of screaming and thumping permeate up through the unit to the unit above where the now awake girl is having an aneurysm.

THUMP. SCREAM. THUMP THUMP. SCREAM. The Spider is clearly being thwarted with a mop or broom


LOUDCUNT: omg you wont belive it. I just killed that fucking massive spider in the bathroom.

DISAFFECTED MALE YOUTHS clearly don't give a shit, but they turn the car off and walk at a normal quiet pace back to the confines of their now Spider-Free-Unit



As much as I really wanted to thump loudcunt for being a loudcunt, I really have to applaud her efforts at thwarting said massive fucking gigantic spider in the bathroom. I am President of Massive Fucking Spider In The Bathroom Club, and would like to extend an invitation to this chick for her heroic efforts, unaided by her blase male counterpart. Cheers to you!! But next time take off your high heels.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

My Wart

I check my body for lumps and bumps all day long. Constantly checking and scanning, and rubbing and inspecting. Often all for nothing, but success!!! I found something.

Something hard.

Something different.

Something gross.

What are you little bump on my heel? why are you in the only spot on my body that it is impossible to contort myself into to look at your properly under a magnifying glass. Why must you grow there? Why not on my hand where I could tend to you and pick you all day long and show my friends.

Hello Wart.

Alas, Warts are disgusting and foul, no doubt picked up from that ONE TIME I didnt wear thongs in the shower at the gym. Going to the gym really isn't worth it. None of my jeans fit me anymore, I have the constant guilt from not going to the gym, and now I have a hideous wart on my foot. Awesome.

Oh well, I will burn you off with glee at the doctors this coming saturday. Farewell Wart. We shared good times together..

What I have to wonder is, if I am all over the tiniest bump on my body the first day it grows, then what the fuck is this guy doing with his spare time??

how did you not notice that growing on your foot? it looks like an enchanted wonderland. I expect to see Smurfs or Elves running amok in that thing. I suppose if I had Smurfs living in my toe I wouldnt get rid of them either. Touche' disgusting toe-man.. Touche..

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Long Weekends..... the nectar of the gods

Long weekends are the bomb. how much better is life when you only have 4 days to work? Ace. It's Ace. That's my official stance on the notion: Ace.

How does one pass 4 excellent days of nothing spread out in front of you?

Day 1. Writing Music. Have you heard my recent debut single? Hard Yakka the commerical remix. Wow. Its probably the best hardcore trance remix of the Hard Yakka commercial ever. I challenge anyone to do a better remix. I award myself 10 points and an ARIA award for this. Category: most pointless release of the year.

Day 2. Livin it Large with the Fams... Fams are weird.. sorry I dont want your hideous candle, I tried to be suave at the wedding by throwing it out the window, but you somehow had the wits to find it and try and palm it off on me again. No I still dont want it. It's nothing to cry about, we just have different opinions on candles. And whilst we're at it, try to be less sauced so that when you give us our bag of eggs we dont get a peepshow of your knickers when your pants fall down. Good Times. Good Times.. it's almost worth the drive out to Farawayland for the memories.

Day 3. Watching The Lord of The Rings Trilogy. Ever notice how that Lambas Bread the elves gave Frodo and Sam seem to make them very paranoid and red-eyed?? yeah magic elf bread.."hash bread" more like... "yeah use this cape it'll make you invisible".... whatever you crazy stoner elves.

Day 4. Birthday Frivolity in Woolloomooloo, I will not pay $18 for a salad. but I will pay $5 for a Harrys Cafe De Wheels Pie. Money well spent.

ahhhh long weekends... why do you tempt me so??

Jesus 4evs.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

8 Points

What is more annoying??

Being the Beacon-Lighter inbetween Gondor and Rohan. That would be the most annnoooying job ever. Every morning, get up and stare at the beaon.. Ooh today might be the day that we get to light the beacon.. But for the rest of the those 2000 days you don't light it?? lame.

Being Legolas and having mismatched hair to eyebrows.

Having to listen to Pippin sing his lame song to the King.

It's really hard to decide. But if I was forced to make a decision.. I would go with being a beacon lighter, and living with Pippin who happens to break into song, and be neighbours with Legolas and have to look at those eyebrows everyday whilst you wait in vain for the beacon light to be lit, and when its finally lit, you probably die in the war anyway.


Lord of the Rings Return of the King. 8 out of 10. Minus two points for the excessive singing and eyebrows.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Witness Protection Program

I just don't think the Witness Protection Program is ever going to work for me.

Whilst I have many dreams of grandeur about being whisked away in a private jet to the Amalfi Coast, and spending the rest of my days soaking up the rays on a yacht, the reality is that the prosecution would probably send you somewhere a lot less exotic.... like Coffs Harbour.

Personally I would rather be shot in the head or be fitted for some cement boots to sleep with the fishes than live in Coffs Harbour.. Coffs Harbour is like a gigantic retirement village, and surely I would find it incredibly difficult to live incognito in such a drab place, the defense would find me and I would end up dead in a ditch, but had to live with the misfortune of having lived in Coffs Harbour.

Small town living just aint for me, for one thing I have such a big mouth that I wouldnt be hidden very long.. If even the slightest exciting thing happens to me I am on the phone within 20 seconds phoning and texting everyone "guess what I just saw!!!!" I couldnt keep a secret like being under witness protection for long.. Specially if I was living in Coffs Harbour where nothing interesting ever happens, the whole town would know within a day when I organise my "this town sucks, who wants to hear about my exciting news" parade.

I just don't know how I would also deal with a name change.. unless it was something really spectacular like ANGEL MONROE, I dont think I could live life as a BARB SMITH, who is BARB SMITH?? whoever she is, she aint me. I'm sure she likes the incessant Banana Festivals of Coffs Harbour, and she probably makes and sells her own Banana Jam and knits bonnets in the shapes of Bananas, but I cant handle that.. Again, i'd rather be shot with a poison arrow through the neck than live my life as BARB SMITH.

So basically if I am ever a witness to a crime you commit can we just work it out now?? I wont testify against you in return for you not making me go mental in a small town where there is one 'Main' street, the only place to shop is Target Country.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Great Bagel Siege

When I have something on my mind, I find it hard to concentrate on other things. Including but not limited to, an armed robbery and a hostage situation.

Yesterday I reallllly had a hankering for bagels. Bagels and cream cheese and smoked salmon. Yeahhhh baby, that's what i'm talking about! I left my place of work and sauntered to downtown Bondi Beach on my bagel mission.

Alas... no bagels in my first attempts. There were however many many police on the streets. Whilst seeing practically the whole policeforce on the street might stop a better person to question what is going on, not me! I wanted bagels!

Seriously, I think every policeman in Sydney was down here. There were Policemen at the Bank, Policemen on the Roof, Sniper-Policemen with Rifles, Policeman in Balaclavas... but not one place I went into sold Bagels.

Unfortunately I can't really elaborate on why the place was swarming with police, word on the street was that there was an armed robbery at the Commonwealth Bank, and that the robber had taken someone hostage in an apartment. I walked past that apartment about 3 times in my trips between IGA supermarkets. Hostage Shmoshtage, unless you're holding the bagel-maker hostage I really had no time for this breaking news story.

Alas, I read this morning that noone was seriously injured, and in further news I did not find one bagel in all of Bondi Beach, and had to settle for a seriously sub-par vienna roll....... stinks.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Maths.. who needs it

I often tend to lez out over the ladies. My number one crush is Adrianne Curry. Shut Up. I like her, I think she's funny and we would have a great time together in a spa bath chain smoking, listening to NIN, and being all suggestive and doing Peter Brady's head in.

Which is why I really have to start some sort of petition to stop hot chicks from doing math.

Rememeber Winnie Cooper?

yeah not sooo hot back in the day, but holy flaming hell. She aint such a dweeb now.

Hoo-Rah.... holy hell lady, you got the fine hawtness happening!!! You know what is disappointing though, she decided to stay home and do MATHS and write quantum maths physics papers rather than strut around half naked in peepshow magazines for our pleasure.

I know right!

What gives with that??

What a waste.... damn you X=Yx 3 Pi.
(i'm not suggesting that women shouldnt be both hot and smart - Girl Power, Spice Girls n all that - but if you are going to put doing maths as a priority over posing half naked and embracing your hotness... well I can't get on board with that)

Winnie Forevs!!!!!!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Put that on a shirt.

Quite often, i see or hear things and i'm like "oooh put that on a shirt", and today quite literally I saw the best shirt ever, that made me stop. walk past. walk back. laugh. and take a photo to share with you fine people.

This is GENIUS.

I feel that like that. All. The. Time.

Seriously, I want that shirt. I need that shirt. I gotta have that shirt.

(To be honest I would feel like a major dweeb walking actually walking around in that shirt, but fuck it! It's the most awesome shirt in existance.)

Maybe they make badges?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Code of Husband and Wife

You hate who I hate. This part of marriage is great. It's nice having a back-up at all times. I hate you you hate, and you hate who I hate. No questions asked. Ofcourse if you start liking them again, then I will start liking them again too. One for all. And so forth.

Do you like the new version or the old version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?? OLD FOREVER. In my opinion the second remake never happened, and it's good that you feel the same way too..otherwise... DIVORCE. I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who rates the remake over the original.

Willing to follow each others dreams. If it's my dream to move to Astoria (where The Goonies was set), and become a ticketline girl and stand there going "next... next.... next.... next" then that's what we will do. Then we will follow your dream and go to Byron and open up a Boost Juice and become millionaires (the juicebars in Byron at the moment are substandard at best..... banana does not make for a refreshing juice)

Duel hatred of Bananas. There are just toooo many Banana themed places and Banana stands in northern NSW. Get over it already. Luckily we both feel this way and given the opportunity, would open up a roadside stand selling NO BANANAS. That's right, we sell No Bananas, here have an empty box.. $5.

Thats what a marriage is. (like i'm such the expert.. woo yeah 13 days in and i'm the King of Marriage, I could write a book, infact I'm gonna write a book: The First 13 Days.. the highs and the pitfalls.... Chapter 1: what to do when you get your period on your honeymoon)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

All Growed Up

There are pivotal moments in one's life when you are offically, all growed up. Perhaps getting married, Perhaps having a baby, for me however, the crux of being a grown up falls into two categories:

Home Phone: The 'landline', only grown up people have home phones, granted I have had the actual line in place for about 6 months, but couldn't be bothered buying a phone to get use of it, thanks to our wedding money we now have a shiny red phone that can put me in contact with people all over the world. I can't wait for it to ring. Unfortunately noone knows my phone number, so the dream of answering a call could be a long-term dream.

Joint Bank Account: yeah, this is what being married is all about, a joint bank account. Now we know what each person is buying at all times, but there goes the surprise as well, as you can't really go out and sneakily buy a present for the other person if they are looking at the same bank statement as you.

So that's me, i'm gonna celebrate my grown-upness by making prank phone calls, specially to my bank.

Sunday, March 09, 2008


One of the gifts we received for our wedding was a $300 voucher for "Rae's on Wategos" (some exxy prestigious restaurant in Byron). Entree's were $32 each, and Mains $45.. we got a $60 bottle of red, and some $20 cocktails.. now where do I start that Rae's is.................shit.

Two Words: Pina Colada. If you can't get that right, then get the fuck out of the restauranting business. Pina Colada's aren't just Pineapple Juice and Rum.. Strike 1.

Let alone the fact that all the dishes were put together by some wank chef who thinks if he's charging $45 for a main, then people will eat anything. Newsflash: I won't eat duck's legs no matter how much you garnish it with red curry powder. Nor will I eat a pigs stomach. WTF? Strike 2.

And finally, Rae's is probably so exxy and wankery because it's on a beach, and we all know that Beach = Great.. so Mark and I are practising our posing for our couple photo that the waitress said she would take, and she takes the camera, goes outside, and takes the photo of us inside the restaurant with the fugly wall and waiter and other patrons behind us.. what was the point of that? I came here for the view of a beach at sunset, not some stupid wall. Strike 3.

Overall. Rae's is Over-Rae-Ted. I would never go back, even if I did have a $300 voucher, actually if I did have another voucher I would go back, order a pigs stomach and then walk it down to the beach and chuck it in the ocean.

(FYI - that bottle of FIJI water that usually goes for about $1.95 at IGA was $10.. that's right. $10.. for water.. oh my god, I think Rae's just started to suck just a little bit more)

Thursday, March 06, 2008

F*cken Hippies

hmmm, one thing I didnt think of when I was booking my rancho-relaxo honeymmoon in the hills of Byron is that I really cant stand hippies. Yet here I find myself in the most hippy infested city in the world.

Note: soap and deoderant aren't the works of the devil.

I was gonna go see the Byron film festival, but couldnt handle sitting in the dark next to so many smelly hippies, so we rented Pootie Tang instead.

How good are hills? I would totally give our neighbours $50 for an hour on their land to run around naked and play with their animals (in a non-beastiality way)

Note: no-one is impressed by you hippies and your bongo's and twirly ribbon things. Get a job and do some laundry.

Went to Nimbin (more hippies) couldnt walk 15 meters without somebody offereing us a bag of weed or some cookies.... and whilst I cant stand hippies, I did partake in the buying of said drugs from the locals (support local business and all that). So we'll see what happens there.

Byron is cool. Very Inspiring. I plan on writing the following book when I return:

ACT I: Who is Herb Pubesman
ACT II: Being Herb Pubesman
ACT III: Killing Herb Pubesman.


Saturday, March 01, 2008

Who is that Baglady?


They're fun if they're someone elses.. they're pretty fucking hectic if they're your own.

All week I have felt nothing in the lead-up to my wedding. Nothing. Not Happy, or Sad, or Excited or Nervous. I was beginning to suspect I might have Asbergers.

But at the end of the day, I got married. Now I can get an English passport, and Mark and I will always be seated next to each other on planes.. we got the Family Guy boxset, and a pretty sweet painting i've had my eye on for years.

Famous last words of the Photographer: Ok, just do one more

Quote of the night: Who the fuck is that baglady?? (in reference to the disgusting alcoholic who is henceforth banned from any social gatherings)

The Next Spice Girls: Nothing rounds off a night like doing a group performance to 'Hit me Baby, One more Time'.. Britney Spears is awesome, but we owned that song... so much so that my mum was like "wowwwww. you guys could be the next Spice Girls"... sick.

Next time i'll serve Duro Tuss instead of champagne, next time i'll know to elope, next time i'll get married in a bikini, next time i won't spend 4 months working on the best playlist to have old fogies complain about it being too loud... (turn your hearing aid off or get fucked old people!) next time.. well there just won't be a next time.

Honeymoon now!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Would I rather have my wisdom teeth taken out again or have a wedding ?? hmm well it's a pretty tough call.....