Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Bigger Picture

Woke up... fell out of Bed... dragged a comb across my head.. Not exactly, but I did stub my toe pretty bad. Soooo annoyed.. The last thing I want on my wedding day is a goddam stubby scabbed up toe! scabs! so not hot. So I took that goddam powerboard that accosted me from nowhere and threw it into the deepest darkest regions of the kitchen cupboard, never to see the light of day again.

Then I remembered this doco I saw on UKTV a few months ago called "weddings from hell" and in one particular story, a woman was riding on the back of a motorbike(ish) contraption to the church, when her legs got caught in the gears, and she ended up having both legs amputated.. yeahh.. scabby toe.. no legs... I really need to get over myself.

So I am just going to deal with the scab. Maybe I can put some glitter on it or something and 'own it'.

And secondly, what is with people and their inability to say 'sorry' for the greater good. I think Feb 13 (Sorry Day) should really be for everyone, now that we have made the most important sorry of all.

"Sorry you misconstrued what I was saying, Sorry I got so hammered I left without saying goodbye, Sorry I was Maggotron and needed your friends to babysit me all night, Sorry I went Psycho on the phone because I am unable to see the Big Picture, and would rather focus on a tiny speck in the canvas of issues."

Is it that hard to say Sorry? I say Sorry all the time. Tis a shame that the next Sorry Day won't be for a whole year and you will now inadvertently, due to your own stubbornness, miss out on my most important day of all. Aids.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Organic Peanut Butter

What gives with Organic Food?

Organic Peanut Butter is the worst. It's like they stopped following the recipe half way through making it and fucked off to do something better. Peanut Butter under normal circumstances, is a rather dangerous food to eat (dry throat/choking syndrome) but Organic Peanut Butter should come with a warning label.

Like: Don't eat this nasty shit alone or your larynx will close up and you'll probably die alone in your kitchen.

Fucken Hippies.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The RCR Foundation

Hello and welcome to The Rangacunt Removal Foundation (RCRF). We have been in the business for over 20 years working in the field of removing Rangacunt from the lives of people inflicted with this very serious affliction.

Rangacunt is a highly ridiculed and sad disease, where many people have literally been thrown out of a bedroom buck-naked when taking off their underpants because and I quote "noone wants to touch that shit"

Luckily, here at The Rangacunt Removal Foundation, we have devised some very serious measures for the total reversal of Rangacunt, so people can live normal lives in an otherwise mean and prejudiced world.

Step One, in the process of Rangacunt Reversal. Our highly skilled technicians will take you into a safe room and then systematically beat the shit out of you for 18 hours with our specialised Rangacunt Bashers. We will yell at you for those 18 hours telling you that your gingy pubes are gross.

Step Two. You will be taken into the auditorium, strapped into a chair, have your eyeballs lubed up and stare at a screen with normal coloured pubes for 2 days. Hopefully by the end of these procedures, your body will have fixed the abnormality, and your pubes will henceforth grow out in a nice shade of brown or black.

This highly controversial procedure has come under flack by certain organisations in the past, but we stand by our beliefs, and hope to change the lives of those living in the shadows for the better.

One of our most prominent members of the Rangacunt Removal Foundation, and biggest success stories is that of Ms Nicole Kidman.

As you can see, before the Rangacunt Foundation stepped in Ms Kidman was heading down a sorry road of ridicule and sniggering behind her back. Yet after many years of therapy , she is today one of our most shining sucess stories.

Sign up today! and recieve your free Rangacunt Home Basher in the post.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

No Credit. No Excuse

As far as excuses go.... "I have no credit" is up there with the worst.
I have many excuses... "If I didnt see the STOP sign, then it doesn't exist"
But the whole "no credit" excuse for palming your friends off is fucking ass.

No matter where I am, and what financial situation i'm in, I always find the time, money and means to phone my friends.

Especially when there is a 'situation' unfolding, and one person isn't answering their phone, or messages, yet has "no credit and no money" so therefore cant manage to get their shit together to call you.

Ever heard of borrowing a friends phone? your boyfriends phone? scrounging $3 from change in the couch and going to a payphone? scamming the work phone. There are ways.

No Credit people are in the same tier as the Germans who turned a blind eye to the Jews being persecuted. Excuses Excuses.

Well I won't stand for it.

Either send me a courier pigeon, some smoke signals, ESP, or a message in a bottle, or rob a bank for $5, either way. I gots to be hearin from ya'll.

(Otherwise I may have to rethink the Bridal Table Seating Arrangement..... Yes. Shit went down at the Hens Night that is unresolved. I need resolution. I need it bad.)

Poo Plater Acceptance Speech....

Wow, thanks, this is really such an honour, I really didnt expect this..
When I was a little kid, I used to watch people driving their cars and think "one day.. I too could be a driver"
When I was 16 I took my L's test, and failed. Then I failed again, and again, and again... Then I decided to actually read the Road User Handbook... and I failed... but then I passed!!!!!!! And 3 years on, and I am now a Licensed driver.

First Time and I Passed!!!!

I was highly surprised, considering the testing man was like "I dont pass people.. I did 10 tests yesterday and I failed 8 of em"
and "i'm not sexist.. but women just cant drive... dont even get me started on asian women".. ok... lucky for me, I was wearing pants and manly sneakers and didnt have any bok choi in my purse, so he probably thought I was a useless woman driver, but at least a cautious useless woman driver.

When he told me I passed I jumped up and down and hugged my driving instructor.. the License guy thought we were a couple and he was like "nice one buddy.." and my instructor said "yeah we aren't a couple", and the license guy gave me his best sexy eyes.

So now I can drive... although I really hope that the urge to put my foot down at traffic lights and mow down pedestrians passes. (1 point for regulars.. 2 points for old ladies and children)


Sunday, February 17, 2008

does it count if it was just balls??

Well..as far as Hens Nights go, mine was fairly enjoyable and hopefully there is nothing I did that will end up on the Society Pages....

Phase 1: Belgian Beer
No they won't take your discount card for the German Pub in Fox Studios, you know why, cos its a different country... Jackass.. Belgia? Germany, its all the same shit.
I'm not usually one for beer drinkin, but I downed a few cold strawberry beers, and passionfruit beer, and laid my stomach with some nice canneloni as to ensure I didnt puke my guts up at a later stage... noone wants to see what walnuts look like in reverse.

Phase 2: Karaoke World
I am just glad that all my friends are in agreement that Britney Spears is fucking awesome, and we all love her till the death. It's also good that we are in agreement that only the first verse and chorus are all thats needed for a song. I had no idea that singing could be so tiring, no wonder today i'm sounding like a hobo, my poor vocal chords...

Phase 3: Maggotron Time
It's funny how one person's drunkness can just creep up on you, one of my friends was soooo drunk that she couldnt get into any of the clubs we tried going to, and rubbing the bouncers shoulder did nothing to sway them either: Note to Maggots - never try to give a bouncer a massage, you will never get in after that. Either way,
I got in. Yay for Me.

Phase 4: Park Time
Gettin high in the Hyde Park, and thankfully some lovely young men went past and mooned us, so I technically saw a nutsack and the hints of a helmet.. my Goal is achieved!

Phase 5: 4 hours go missing
Mansions in Kings Cross..... what were we doing for 4 hours in here?? I don't know, the music was pretty bad and the couches were far too comfy.

Phase 6: Vagina in the Face
Leisa and I decide to avoid all the drama's unfolding at Mansions and look for some snatch, we weren't going to pay for snatch, so we walked along the strip looking for something affordable.. although we did find a brothel, and the girls were very nice, but we decided we didnt have enough money to pay for so much snatch in one go, so we settled for Showgirls. Showgirls is fucking awesome, the guy at the door told me to "go in.. she's in neutral" vrooooooom.

The girls got progressively fuglier as the shows wore on, and they really needed to repaint the pole in the middle, who wants to wrap their snatch around a chipped pole? However, there were two fairly hot strippers in the vacinity, so Leisa and I grabbed our Pink Lemonades and scored a front seat and paid 'Sasha' to do what she does best. I really liked her, she was hot and she had 3 clit rings and could do this amazing bouncy move with her arse, I was impressed. Money well spent! Thanks Sasha.

The second girl was wearing a britney spears schoolgirl dress and really hot Fuck Me boots, so we got her over as well.. then we realised she was definitely part-midget, but fuck it! who doesn't want to see Midget snatch?? she was pretty awesome and could work the pole well (she had some special moves she learnt in the UK which were far superior to the moves the skanks noone was paying for were doing) Again lovely girl, I really think I could be friends with these strippers, sure i've seen your asshole upclose and personal, maybe i'll show you mine, then we'll be even.

The only thing I did that night that I guess would be considered kind of disgusting, was after the midget was done playing herself she wanted to give me a hug and shake my hand, only after did I realise that I just shook the hand she had all up in her.. ah well, whats a little midget snatch germs between friends??

All in all a lovely evening was had by all.
(except my friend who got punched in the face and ended up in Hospital with a broken nose.. ahhh hens nights... they should come with warning labels)

Friday, February 15, 2008

Stop! Penis Time!

yeahhhhhh baby, the hens night is tomorrow and you know what that means! Dick in the Face.
Not only that, but finally the candy bra I brought 2 years ago that I thought would be racy and cute (but sat in the drawer) will gets it day in the sun!

Wooo Hoooo

One part of the planned celebrations is to go to a Karaoke Bar, now I looove karaoke, and have been practising my best moves in the kitchen, doing a bit of Britney and flashing the refrigerator and so forth.... I really hope though that the Karaoke place has "Detachable Penis" because dammit! its all about the dick and I want to sing about penis'

Although in actual fact, penis' are quite gross and unhygenic, so whilst I don't really want some guys helmet in my eyeball socket, I wouldnt mind a flash of some randoms package (which I will trade off for the opportunity to gnaw on my candy bra) so that is the aim of the evening.

It will be quite a relief when this wedding is over, never before in my life have I been obsessed about running all over sydney to find the right shiny paper to print menus on, never before have I stood at a counter for 30 mins whilst the retards phoned managers around the city so I could pay for my $17 nail polish, never before have I gone through a bargain bin of 'dick-straws' to find the biggest and bendiest, never before have I purposely chased down someone so I could pay them $10,000.

and NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!

(Unless I hook up with Daniel Johns, in which case the wedding is off.)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

It's never too late to be right

INT: Bedroom - Nighttime

It's bedtime, and Rachel and Mark have been up for ages playing the 'hum the tv show tune' game... (Mark doesn't get it when I hum the whooollllllle 'Family Ties' tune btw.. how lame can you get!)

"What would you if I sang out of tune".... yeah how good was The Wonder Years.. Pretty great, we are were in agreeance...

Did you know that the Narrator was the guy who was the thief in Home Alone??
No he wasn't
Um, Yes he was.
No he wasn't.. the Narrator was Judge Reinhold.
Are you retarded Ringu-Face?? It was Daniel Stern!!!
Prove it.

So up I get, out of the warm bed, to look up IMDB to prove once and for all, at a really late hour of the night.. that I.WAS.RIGHT.

In your face, Judge Reinhold.... whoever you are....

Note: never play the 'guess the tv show theme humming game' when its really late and an argument could ensue, unless you have swift access to the internet. Ahh the internet... one my true love.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Beatles?? War??

Ok - I have seen some pretty stupid news stories in my time, but today's space aliens story takes the cake. (mmm cake)

Astronauts are blasting some Beatles music into space towards the North Star (specifically "Across the Universe") and nerd-burger earthbound scientists are saying we should stop because aliens might interpret it as a battle-cry and blow earth up.


The Beatles??

I would agree with them if we were hastily pumping some Rammstein or some hideous Nickelback (cos they make me want to blow up the world too) but The Beatles? if anything we would make some new friends with the Aliens of the North Star.

Stupid Scientists.

Should I be on high alert just incase, make my phone calls now to all my loved ones? leave my extensive CD collection behind to the surviving race of super-zombies??

Aliens are cool, it'd be a lot cheaper to be anal probed than it would to get a colonic, so I welcome the attack. Just stay away from my eyeballs with your lasers and giant injecting needles. I like my eyes the way they are.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Bridal Rant

ok ok, I said I truly have nothing better to write about. This is what I think about being a Bride.

To be blunt: It fucking sucks.

I went to pick up and try on my dress tonight, granted I have lost about 3kg from nowhere... my married friends tell me this normal - the prewedding anorexia.. I don't understand, but then again i'm not complaining. And the dress doesn't fit. Now this is obviously why they have you try on the dress before the day, but seriously, WHY would you make the top part of my dress a size 14? I don't have that massive jugs. I don't want any baggy shit under my armpits. What the fuck?? Fix that shit up now please.

So now I have to go back agaaaaaain and try it on agaaaaain, and fork out more money for something stupid, could they not have just made it right the first time?? I do believe we had a tape measure out, I think the designers just make it too big so you have to have alterations, that's my bridal conspiracy theory anyway.

Next up.. I don't trust these women. I sat there listening to them harp on to these total butterfaces (as in - she's got a hot body, but her face...) anyway, if you're going to tell these fugs they look like a million dollars - why should I believe you when you tell me I look like a million dollars? One girl literally had her backfat seeping out from from the ribbons at the back.. this did not look good.. she looked like a smoked ham. Did they not see these chicks?? seriously, you should wear a veil down over your face.. for the entire ceremony. God i'm a bitch.. but I'm really hungry and I am so over trying on dresses and running around the whole city doing boring wedding shit.

Imagine how hard life would be, being a celebrity and having to go through all this crap every single awards ceremony.. and even then you cant get it right.

wtf?? Did anyone pull her aside before the left the house and ask if her cornea's fell out when she picked that outfit? or were they all standing around telling her how fantastic she looked??

Trust Noone.

Are You Excited??!!! ... yeah no

sorry for all the banal wedding posts - but to be honest, there isnt much else happening in my life right now..

You know what's really getting on my goat, everytime I see someone they ask me the inevitable question: Are You Excited!!??!!

Not Really.

Does that make me Dead Inside?? I'm too busy worrying about getting myself organised and stressing about things going well on the day to really be excited right now.

It doesn't really go down well with people... Perhaps I should take some exstacy every morning so I can be as exuberant as people expect me to be.

When you deadpan back to someone with a "yeah.... whatevs" you just know they are thinking "well there's a marriage that's not going to last"...

Sorry, but we cant all be like Richard Simmons all the time.

Another thing grinding my gears is the 'wedding dance'.. I hate slow dancing, I hate public displays of affection. I dont want to be like two drugged up koalas pawing all over each other. At any rate - the song we are dancing to is an Aerosmith song, so perhaps we'll just blow up a beach-ball, paint it brown and pretend we are hiding from a Killer Asteroid.

Friday, February 01, 2008

I disagree

Ever feel like you're just watching "The News" in the making?

TMZ has since reported that Spears's classificiation - one of the criteria for involuntary commitment - means that she is unable to care for basic needs such as the acquisition of food, clothing or shelter.

I disagree.




See. I rest my case... and Laxative Abuse?? whatevs..... maybe she was just bored. "I wonder what would happen if I took 10 boxes of Laxatives?"...Sometimes you really don't have anything better to do. What else is there to do when you're a multi-millionaire in your spare time??